The Lion Rages

There is a rage inside of me and I don't understand where it's coming from.  I wanted to hurt someone yesterday.  I wanted to feel the blood dripping from my hands.  I let curse words flow through my mouth like angry vomit.  I was irrational and out of control.  It scared me.

The day started out well enough.  I was in a pretty good mood.  Then, I took my mom to the doctor.  She had a 12:30 appointment.  We got there at 12:05.  I sat in the car listening to Sonatas and Soundscapes on the public radio station.  When she hadn't come out by 1:45, I went in to investigate.  She hadn't even been seen yet!!  Well, I lost it.  We ended up leaving without her being seen by the doctor.  She was just there for a follow-up visit, so it wasn't anything crucial.  

I, however, was boiling mad.  This is a good doctor, but 2 hours wait is ridiculous.  I ought to charge her for my time.  It would be different if this was the first time, but it has happened before on many occasions.  Yesterday, I just got fed up.

Then, one of my psych meds went from $10 to $55.  That was the absolute end.  I drove to the store like a wild woman, cursing everyone and everything.  I don't know why the price went up, and frankly I don't care.  I know it's my insurance company.  In addition to that, my psychiatrist does not accept my insurance, so I have to pay $70 a visit.  So, I either start over with a new doctor and therapist or eat it.  Right now, I am eating it, but I am going to have to cut down on my visits.  Which, given my present mental health, isn't a good idea.  

I started seeing a chiropractor and a massage therapist.  Let's see how the insurance roulette falls on these two things.  I'll probably get screwed on those also.  Quite frankly, I am sick of all this fucking bullshit.  I hate taking all this medicine.  I hate going to the doctor.  I hate being on disability.

I applied for a couple of part-time jobs to help make ends meet, but who wants a fat, dumpy, disabled person who hasn't worked since 2010.  I certainly wouldn't.   I hate myself,  I wish I had killed myself last week.  Then all this fucking nonsense would be over.

My aunt started squawking about the rent last week.  I want to tell her to go fuck herself and throw all my pill bottles and diabetic supplies at her.  Here's your fucking rent you dumpy bitch!! You don't want me here just say the word, I don't even like you you old cunt.  I'm only here because of my mom anyway.  I'll have to talk to my dad about living with him.  I don't forsee any problems, but you never know.  Maybe I'll end up homeless.  Living on the street, talking to myself.  One of the forgotten people.  

If I had a gun, there would be a murder suicide here.  Maybe not, maybe just murder.  I am not well.  Maybe I will send an email to my doctor.  I have to send one anyway about my ambien and klonopin.  I have had such trouble sleeping, that I have been taking 2 pills instead of one.  I'll be out soon, then I'll have nothing to help me sleep.  Of course, I could always drink some wine.  But, I can't afford that either.  

Life, right now, fucking sucks!! I don't know what kind of sick game God is playing with me, but I wish He would knock it off.  FUCK YOU!!!

Acceptance and Hope

After careful deliberation and planning, I have abandoned the idea of taking my life.  It was pretty close there for the past week.  I have closed myself off to all human contact and communication.  I avoided touching people, I could not look anyone in the eye.  I truly wanted to die.  But something happened today that gave me a new perspective.  I went to confession for the first time in 2 months.

I told the priest of my pain and anguish and how I felt God had forsaken me.  He told me in very simple terms that it was me that failed to open my heart to God, and it's true.  I did not trust Him to answer my prayers.  He told me that God listens to our hearts and hears our sufferings.  Sometimes, however, God leaves us to carry our cross for our own good.  I am not exactly sure why God left me so over-burdened, but apparently he has a plan for my life.  It may be that it is my lot in life to suffer so that I may reach out to others and help them.  If that's what it is, I accept that.

So, I have decided to stop fighting the bipolar.  I will take each episode as it comes and do what I can to make it through.  Maybe my life will be a lesson to someone else with this horrible illness.  Maybe that person will look at me and know that through my darkest times, I did not give up.  Maybe I am supposed to be alive for that purpose.

Jesus did not promise us paradise on earth, but only in the next life when He returns.  Until then, I will just have to bide my time and reach out for little scraps of happiness.  I will try to face each day with expectation instead of dread.  If I can function that day, great! If not, I will try to fulfill my activities of daily living the best I can.  It's okay to sleep all day, and it's okay if I cry a lot.  There will be those kinds of days.  Truth be told, I am tired of trying to meet everyone's expectations of me.  I must learn to accept myself as I am and be satisfied.  I will try to participate in the world, but the world will have to just suck it up if I would rather be alone.  

I am still in a deep depressive episode, and I don't know when it will end.  I am trying to engage.  For instance, going to confession today was huge for me.  I just want to make it to mass tomorrow.  I will not be dressed well.  I'll be lucky to remember to brush my hair, but that is tomorrow's goal.  I will take my meds as prescribed and hope for the best.  That's all I have right now is hope.  My name is Beverly, and I have a mental illness.  I hope tomorrow is better than today.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Shiny Happy People

Sometimes, well, a lot of times I look at people, and I wonder what their lives are like.  I see them with their happy faces, watch them with animated conversations, or just walking along.  I wonder where their going, where they've been, what their thinking about.  I don't judge them, but I often wonder what's beneath the surface.

Are they as unhappy as I am?  Is there pain and longing in their lives too?  I'm certain that the answers to these questions is yes, but what makes them go on with their lives?  What's the secret?  I read the posts of my Facebook friends, and I get so jealous.  Why does she have a love and I don't?  What gives that person a right to be so happy and have children and pets and a good job, when I know some of the darkest deeds they have committed?  When is it going to be my turn to find such fulfillment?

Am I undeserving of love?  Am I so undesirable, that no one can look at me?  Am I invisible?  I like to think that I am a good person.  Yet, day after day, I end up alone in my room pondering the mistakes that I've made, and listening to the voices in my head.  I have told myself that these voices are liars.  I know that I am not an ugly, stupid person with nothing to give.  I can feel my heart overflowing with the emotions that rage inside me.  I would be a wonderful wife, friend and lover.  I have something to give.  

But, what if I am just fooling myself and the voices are true.  Will I die alone?  Am I destined to be untouched by the warmth of a hand in mind or kissed with tenderness?  I honestly don't know.  I have tried to be friendly and courteous to people I meet.  I have shared smiles and flirted when I see an attractive man.  I have made casual conversation to other people in hopes of making a friendship connection.  But, nothing has come of it.

Sometimes, I think to myself, I will just go to a bar and pick up some stranger like a whore.  But, that's not what I want.  Besides, I am limited on what I can drink, and I don't really like bars.  Maybe I will go to a sports bar for the Superbowl.  I like football a lot, even though there are somethings I don't understand.  I could meet some people that way.  I could try one of those meet up sites where you find a group of people who share common interests.  

Sometimes, I think about going back to partial hospitalization just so I could have some people to talk to.  Yes, that's how lonely I am.  I have been spending a lot of my days living in my fantasy world.  It passes the time.  In my daydreams, I am beautiful, I am brilliant and I have a husband and six children.  My first pregnancy was quadruplets, twin girls and twin boys.  My second pregnancy resulted in twins also, a girl and a boy.  My husband and I want a very large family, so we are going to get pregnant again.  My name is Primrose, and my husband is Henry.  

Henry is tall, gentle, kind, athletic, funny, smart and loyal.  He thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world.  We have fabulous sex.  It is tender, passionate and spontaneous.  We often get lost in each others eyes, tuning out the whole world.  Most people comment that they have never seen two people so in love.  Our children are very gifted and polite.  Victoria loves music. Lorelai loves to dance.  Jared likes to build things, and Darius just wants to fly.  The two youngest, Skylark and Sebastian love to paint and read.

Henry is a world renowned cardiothoracic surgeon, and Primrose is an astrophysicist.  She has been nominated for a Nobel Prize, and has worked with Stephen Hawking.  While they are very busy people, both enjoy spending as much time with the family as possible.  The do have two nannies and a housekeeper, and live in a 12 bedroom estate in the country.  There is a lake, a fountain and a glorious garden.  There is also a stable and barnyard.  They have 2 dogs, 2 cats and a bird.  

Sounds perfect doesn't it?  Well, it is.  That's why I spend so much time there.  I'd rather be there than here.  My world is cold, lonely and dark.  There, everyone is shiny and happy.  Sure, Primrose and Henry have disagreements, and the children misbehave, but it always works out in the end.  Not like real life where things can fall apart around you and your left standing by yourself feeling like a complete fool.

I've never told anyone about my fantasy life before.  I don't know why I am telling you now, except for the fact that I so want it to be true.  Is it the Cinderella complex?  I don't think so.  My other world is not magical, it's just happier and full of the things that I desire .   They say is you believe in a thing you can achieve it.  Well, I believe in love.  How long do I have to wait to achieve it?  Oh well, I guess I'll step into the real world for a moment.  I have to pee.  After that, a little time on the porch with Henry and the children as I have my cigarette.  I leave you all to lead your own lives, where ever they may be.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Depressive Episode #500

The past week has been a nightmare.  I am in a full blown depressive episode.  I sleep all the time, and when I am not sleeping, I am crying.  My mom says it's just post-holiday blues, but it's bigger than that.  I don't want to be here.  I wish I had never been born.

I am in physical pain as well as mental.  Every muscle in my body hurts.  My joints ache.  I wish I could just make the pain go away.  The only good thing is that I am not hallucinating.  I had to miss the first class of the new semester at school because I am basically non-functional.  I finally took a bath last night after 5 days of not bathing or brushing my teeth.  I have worn the same clothes for a week.  It just takes too much effort.

I am isolating like crazy.  I spend most of my time in my darkened room.  I have ventured out for meals and to talk and cry to my mom.  Other than that, I am alone.  I hate myself right now.  There is a group on Facebook for people with bipolar, so I've been posting there.  I have seen my therapist this week, and my doctor today.  There has been a medication change.  I go back to my therapist next week and my doctor in 2 weeks.  So much for being stable.

I saw my medical doctor this week also.  My diabetes is well managed, but I have an eye infection on top of everything else. So, I am on antibiotics until that clears up.  This downward spiral began at the end of November, and has just gotten worse.  There wasn't anything I could do about it because I was broke.  That's 3 months in a row I have mismanaged my money.  It's so stressing that it's making me sick.  I had a panic attack yesterday.  It took my mom a half hour to talk me down.  My aunt doesn't get it, so she's no comfort.

There are some days that I actually feel good.  But, they are few and far between.  I had wanted 2017 to start out on a really positive note, but that didn't happen.  Even when I visited my father, I was so depressed.  I isolated from him too.  I feel a lot of guilt about that.  All I did most of the time is sleep.

Once in a while, we went out to the store.  Mostly, we just stayed in because Michigan is so cold and windy, and we got snow.  The snow was nice.  

I applied for 2 part-time jobs online the other day.  I don't know why I did it, as I am in no way ready to work and go to school.  I have an assignment due tomorrow for my online class, but I don't have the book yet.  I had to order it.  I have no motivation to get it done anyway.  I really don't care at this point if I get a zero on it.  I'm too busy fighting for my life.

I haven't been to mass in 6 weeks.  I just feel like my spirit is dying.  I pray all the time, but I don't think God is listening to me right now.  I guess I am being punished.  I'll do my best to make it to Adoration tomorrow night, and mass this week.  I have to go to confession. I did commit a sin. I stole a bottle of laxatives from the store.  I wonder what my penance will be.  

I'm tired.  Just bone tired.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Suicide is not an option, but I think about it lately, which is never a good sign.  I'm not going to the hospital, that's all I know.  I've been here too many times to count, and have weathered the storms.  I guess I'll get through this one too. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Diamonds on the Ground

The ground is sparkling

The air is still, except for the occasional rustling of the wind

The musical glass chimes sing their song

A song of winter and ice

The streets are quiet, noises cancelled by a blanket of white

People are still snuggled deep under the covers

Not stirring from the warmth of their beds

Breathing the soft air of sleep

The birds will be out soon

pecking the ground for signs of seed

A lucky few will find nourishment at the hands of humans

Bird feeders full to the brim

With the sun, comes the drip of melting ice

Plop, plop, plop on the ground outside the window

Some people will rise with the sun

Coffee brewing as they clean off their cars

The world will awaken and trod on the virgin snow

Dirty slush where the white purity used to be

The diamonds on the ground will fade

Melting away and leaving damp earth behind.

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Smoke-filled Hazy Days and Charlie

Okay, the quitting smoking thing is hard.  I say that because I couldn't overcome my anxiety and went to buy a pack on my last day in Michigan.  My father, bless his heart, bought a whole carton for me.

I know  I could have said no thanks, but I couldn't. So, now I am just trying to limit myself to 6 cigarettes a day.  So far, I am not doing very well.  I feel a little bad about it, but at the same time I am relieved.  I will quit, I just don't know when.  I had announced my quit date as Jan. 3rd, but here it is the 5th and I am still puffing away.

Yesterday was a depressive day, so all I did was sleep and smoke.  Today, I feel much better, and am not so anxious.  I think, no I know I will be leaving the house this afternoon.  I have to get gas and go to Walmart to pick up some meds.  I may even actually comb my hair.  I know, big deal right?  Well considering I haven't washed my hair in 3 weeks it is a big deal.  Which reminds me, I need to call the salon for a cut.

I ran out of testing strips for my diabetes, so I haven't tested since yesterday morning. My sugar levels have been good, so I am not too concerned.  I need laxatives too.  I must confess, I am dependent on them.  I take 5 or 6 at night.  It does give me diarrhea the next morning, but it makes me feel so much lighter.  I hate feeling bloated.  I know I am probably doing damage to my colon, but I had a colonoscopy last January, and everything was normal.

I am going to try a chiropractor this month.  Hopefully, they have massage therapy too.  I could really use a deep tissue massage. I used to get them all the time, when I went to a chiropractor back in the '90s.  I would get a massage, drink a lot of water and take a hot shower.  I could feel all the toxins flushing out of my body.  My adjustments made me feel better too.  I carry all my tension in my shoulders and thoracic region of my back.  I think one good crack would do me quite well.

Oh well, that's all that's on my mind right now.  That and Keanu Reeves.  In my dreams, we meet on The View when I am a guest co-host because of my best selling book.  We really click, and he asks me to lunch.  Only problem is, I can't call him Keanu.  It makes me feel all starstruck, so I call him Charlie, since Charles is his middle name.  Anyway, he totally gets me.  He is gentle, kind, funny, doesn't freak out because of my bipolar, and really listens and talks to me.  Naturally, we fall in love and get married after a 2 year relationship.  We adopt 3 biracial siblings, have 2 dogs and a cat and live in Malibu and Michigan.  We are fixing up a Victorian townhouse in New York to be our main home.  The Malibu house was his, and the Michigan cottage was mine. Both of us are deliriously happy because we have been waiting so long to find someone special.  Stupid, isn't it?  But that's the dream that puts me to sleep at night.  It doesn't hurt anyone, so I'll just keep dreaming.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

New Year's Day 2017

Well, it is the first day of a new year. I give a warm welcome to 2017, and a kick in the ass to 2016.  Not that I regret 2016. It just didn't start very well (depression) or end very well (depression).  Today, however, I woke up in a great mood and a ball of energy in my belly. Ah, the joys of being bipolar.  I don't know how the rest of the day will go, but I am determined to make it a good one.

I will not rehash the bad times of 2016, but will instead focus on the good things. Number 1, I lost 55 pounds!! Number 2, out of 4 courses I took in college this year, I got 3 A's and a C+.  The C+  was a computer science course. I would have done better, but all the tests were timed, and I don't do well in those situations.  Number 3, I became a card carrying catholic.  My faith is a little shaky right now, but I am praying for strength and guidance.  Number 4, I am now working with a volunteer organization called Speak for Animals.  I've been working with them on some marketing stuff. So far, it's very exciting and interesting.

As for 2017, there are a couple of big things I want to happen. I want to get on a stable medication regime.  I was feeling really normal for a while, but  things have started to get unsteady again.  I can't concentrate like I want to, and all I really want to do is sleep most of the time. I have a new semester starting on the 9th, so I need to get it together. Next thing I'd like to do is get a job so I can move out on my own.  This would enable me to get a pet and live my life the way I want. Maybe, I will make a few good friends, and even meet Mr. Right.  Of course, I know the last 2 things aren't really anything I can do to facilitate them.  I just have to do the best I can.  I will continue to do the best I can in school, and not strive for perfection.  I am taking 2 courses again, Nonprofit Admin: Human Resource Management, and an online course; Introduction to Art.  I hope both courses are interesting and that I do well.

Anyway, that is all for now.  Aside from the usual resolutions to get healthier and quit smoking, I have nothing else to report. I am still smoking, but I only have one pack left,and I think that will be it.

I'll let you know how everything goes. I am going to try to post more regularly to help clear my head.  I think I'll go take a shower now and get all squeaky clean. Peace, Joy, Love - B

Holiday Blues

It's been a while since my last blog.  I've been feeling a little lost.  My classes are over and I did well.  I got an A in both classes. I'm in Michigan at my dad's house. I thought I would feel better once I got out of South Carolina for a while, but I don't.  I've been sleeping a lot and isolating myself in the guest room.  Even the dog has failed to pick up my spirits.

I wrote out a proposal for my mom and aunt to get a cat and left it for them to read while I'm gone.  I attached articles about the benefit of having a pet, especially for the mentally ill.  I hope it gets approved.  Anyway,  I guess you're wondering why I had to go to such lengths.  I really don't know.  All I know is that I need something to love. I need to give affection and love to another living thing.  I've already given in to having a dog.  But a cat doesn't need to be walked. Don't get me wrong, I know a cat is just as much responsibility as a dog. But, a cat can pretty much entertain himself.  

I am looking for an older cat, loving,affectionate, and likes to cuddle. Plus, I want it to sleep with me. She/he will have access to the main living area during the day, but the litter box, food and water would be in my room.  That way she won't have to wander around the apartment at night.

All in all, I'd have to say 2016 was a successful year.  I completed a year of school, lost 55 pounds, and joined the catholic church. There are somethings that didn't happen;  I didn't find any friends to hang out with, I didn't meet my special someone. I guess there is just something about me that sends out a desperation pheromone. I have my family, but it is not enough. I am lonely. I am hungry for companionship. I don't know what to do. I am looking forward to next year, maybe things will be different. Maybe, I will make friends, and go on a date. Maybe my classes will be exciting. I will continue my healthy eating plan, and lose another 35 pounds.  I wish I loved myself today. Right now, I am full of self doubt, and anxiety. Maybe I will feel better after lunch, anyway that's all for now. I wish I had something more exciting to talk about. Until then, Peace, Joy, Love - B

Overdrawn...again

I'm overdrawn at the bank again.  This is only the second time in 3 years, but still I was overdrawn $161.00.  That is a big chunk of money for a person on disability.  That could have paid off one of my medical bills. or I could have used that money to by my medication.  I was out of almost everything, so I paid $107 for my medications today.  My insulin alone cost $56.  

Can someone please explain to me why medication costs so much?!  It's not like the drugs I take are new or somehow magical.  The patents on them are long expired, and all my drugs are generic because that's how my insurance works.   

So, I did get my check today, and I paid my bills.  I couldn't make my usual payments, and have to make sure I have enough money to get by until next month.  I may need to put out a may-day call to my dad for $100 to get by until then.  I'm maxed out on my MasterCard and Visa, too.  I had a couple of manic days and did some online shopping.  I had a lot of fun, and got some really nice stuff at a good sale price.  I don't regret any of my purchases, presents are bought, and I am set for fall and winter.  I bought clothes that will take me season to season without a problem and can be considered classic pieces.

I guess I'm just making excuses, trying to justify my bad judgment in handling my money.  I really need to find a part-time job when I get back from Michigan.  I don't know what to do.  I should try to get a job with a nonprofit, as that is my education major.  It can only be part-time, because I am very uncertain about my mental stability as far as trying to balance everything.  

I guess I should run it by my therapist, see what she thinks.  I've only been on my new medication cocktail for a month now.  I don't want to do too much too soon.  I'll have to think on it some more.

We should be getting a cost of living increase in 2017 for disability payments.  But, I am getting a supplemental medical policy that will cost me $45 a month.  It will pay for the co-pays etc., that Medicare doesn't pay.  Hopefully, it will be worth the money. 

I went to the OB/GYN last Wednesday about my cramping.  I was convinced something was happening to me, like I had uterine cancer.  Fortunately, everything turned out normal.  I may be cramping due to low back problems.  I have been having some sciatic nerve pain, but I didn't know the pains were related.  I will wait until January to see an orthopaedic doctor.  I've had 2 back surgeries, so I know how it's going to go. First, physical therapy, if that doesn't work cortisone shots, then after all that I'm back in the operating room.  I hope that medicine has advanced enough since 2001, that all this can be done on an outpatient basis.

What I really need is to win the sweepstakes.  Just $10,000 would help me out beyond measure.  Of course, I want to win the multi-million dollar prize.  But, I am trying to remain slightly realistic.

Oh well, I'll count my pennies and say my prayers.  God is my provider, so He'll make sure I have everything I need.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Cigarettes

Okay, this time I mean it.  I am going smokeless.  I know I've said it before, and I've tried it before.  This time I have no choice.  It's quite simple, really.  I am flat broke.  I have no money until Wednesday.  That's when I get my disability check.  I'm already overdrawn at the bank.  I had to ask my mom for money today so I could get 2 of my medications.  I would be ashamed to ask her for cigarette money.
It's my own fault.  I went a little nuts this month with my spending.  I had a couple of manic days, and I like to shop online.  Everything was on sale, but still, I should have known better.  I have to be extra careful this month, because I even spent my savings.  I have nothing in reserve, and my credit cards are maxed out.  I feel so stupid.
I smoke Pall Mall menthol 100s at $4.31 a pack.  I smoke a pack a day, so that's around $25 a week. That means I could be saving $100 a month!!  I could use that money to buy something worth while, or put it in an emergency fund.  I am also trying to raise money for charity, so I think I should make the sacrifice.  Sure, I will be kind of crabby for a week or so, and my coffee won't taste as good.  But, I need to cut back on my caffeine as well.  Lately, I've been drinking 3 to 4 large cups a day.
My biggest problem is what to do when I'm bored.  I used to eat, now I smoke.  I'm down to 217 lbs, from a high in May of 265 lbs.  I still have a way to go to reach my goal weight of 175 lbs.  but I don't want to blow it.  I guess I'll have to break down and exercise.  I really hate exercise.  I like walking enough, but it's much better with someone else.  But, I don't have a dog or any friends still, so I guess I'll have to put on some tunes and hit the pavement.
I'm down to my last pack. There's about 16 cigarettes left.  Maybe I could ration them out.  Maybe I should try the patch again.  I'd try Chantix, but with my mental health I don't want to risk it.  I'm finally at a place where I feel so well.  I have been feeling great for the past 3 weeks.  At my last appointment, my psychiatrist made a medication change.  That, along with an attitude adjustment, has me feeling like a regular person.  I haven't had any panic attacks, or depression for a while.  It feels kind of weird but I like it.
My classes are going very well also.  I am sure I am getting an A in one class, and I have a strong B in the other as of midterms.  We just had a test last week, but it hasn't been graded yet, but I feel I did well.  I am not putting any pressure on myself to get straight As.  It would just be nice to do it.
I am also feeling pretty good, because I feel I have found my calling in the nonprofit world.  I started a petition on Change.org.  It's called "Make animal abuse a felony".  I am trying to get the legislature to make animal cruelty offenses a felony and punishable by serious jail time, instead of misdemeanor charges and fines.  I am also calling for a animal abuse registry, to keep offenders from ever having an animal in their care again.  So take a look on www.change.org and look for my petition to help end animal abuse.
My brother is coming down for Thanksgiving.  I'm very excited about it. I haven't seen him in 3 years.  We don't talk a lot as we have a complicated history.  But I love him very much and am really looking forward to spending some time with him.  Then, on December 13th, it's off to Michigan to see my dad!!!  I will be there for 3 weeks.  I am beyond excited.
Well, I guess that's all for now.  You'll have to excuse me, I'm not used to being happy.  So, I'm not sure what to write about half the time.  Most of my life has been turmoil, so these are new feelings for me.  I'll talk to you soon.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Busy Girl

Oh! Where to start since my last post?  Well, I guess first off, I am still cramping.  My pap smear came back normal.  But, I made an appointment with a gynecologist anyway.  Pap smears can only tell you about your cervix.  I think there is something going on with my ovaries or uterus.  My appointment is November 9th.  I'm a new patient, so I have to wait. 

I have seen my psychiatrist and therapist twice since I last posted.  My psychiatrist changed my meds and I am feeling better already.  I have been in a depression for quite a while, and just wasn't seeing any improvement.  I was falling behind in school, not bathing or eating as I should.  I lost 5 lbs.  Which is a good thing.  I now weigh 222.5 lbs.  I am still a long way off from my goal, but every little bit helps.  I hope to get down to 175 lbs. by next year.  I started my eating program in May of this year, so I have time.  I really need to go walking.  I stopped walking this summer because it was just too darn hot.  Now that the temperature has dropped, and the days are crisp, I have no excuse.

My therapist, Mary, is simply the best.  She is proud of the way I have been able to recognize and deal with my symptoms.  I have dealt with most of my issues through prayer.  I was ready my bible everyday, and doing daily devotions.  I say was, because I have slacked off as late.  I don't know what happened.  Well, yes I do. Everytime I get depressed, I turn my back to God.  You would think that I would run to Him at those times. But instead, the old tapes play in my head that no one loves me, not even God.  So, I shut everybody out.

My mom was very ill last week.  I had to rush her to the ER. She was dizzy, nauseated, weak, slurring her speech and had terrible pain in her feet and legs.  At first, I thought she might be having a heart attack or stroke.  They did a Cat Scan, MRI, took x-rays, blood work, urinalysis.  Everything came back normal.  They didn't have a clue what was happening with her.  Anyway, they put her on fluids and pain meds, and a couple of days in the hospital she was better. She went in on Monday night and was home Wednesday afternoon.  She is almost back on her feet.  She has to use a walker, because her back is hurting from the hospital bed.

My favorite uncle was in the hospital last week too.  He has 2 lesions on his brain, and was in excruciating pain.  They wanted to operate but he is on a blood thinner for a heart condition, so they couldn't operate.  He is at home now and resting comfortably.  Both my mom and my uncle have home health care coming in.  My mom needs physical therapy and a nurse.  She had one before she got sick.  It will probably start up again after I take her to the doctor on Wednesday.  Did I forget to mention that while all this was going on, my aunt was out of town?  She went to California for 2 weeks, so I am my mom's sole caregiver right now.  I don't mind.  I asked God to give me the privilege of caring for my parents because I see it as a sacred duty.  It is exhausting though.  I've never been so tired.  Fortunately, I have been able to handle everything.  My issues became non-existing when my mom got sick.  I was just so focused on her, I forgot about my fears and depression.  I think I grew up a little bit during this time.  I am more mature.  I had to call the family, and explain calmly and clearly what was going on with mom.  I am a little proud of myself, if I do say so.  I give all thanks, praise and glory to God for helping me pass this test.  I did not panic, I did not cry and I did not take to my bed.   Things needed to be done and I did them.

School is going well, I got my midterm grades and I have a solid B in my online class and an A in my on campus class.  We have a project instead of a final paper or test in my on campus class.  We are helping out a nonprofit organization get better developed.  I took on the challenge of coming up with marketing strategies.  So far, so good.  The executive director of the organization is very happy with my work so far.  I like the organization so much I became a monthly donor.  It's called Speak for Animals.  They provide low to no cost spay/neuters to low income and disabled people in impoverished neighborhoods.  I am so excited about this project, it was just the thing I needed to get my creative juices flowing. 

I've got all my Christmas shopping done already.  I am waiting for one more thing to come in the mail, and then I will have everything wrapped packed and ready to mail.  I am spending this Christmas with my dad again this year, and got him a big screen TV for his birthday which is December 21st.  I got him a couple of little things for Christmas as well.  I only want one thing for Christmas; some lace handkerchiefs. Just a little feminine thing to dab my eyes or blow my nose. I can't think of anything else I want.  I'm a simple girl with simple tastes.  I like seeing the look on everyone's faces as they open their gifts.  That's the best part of Christmas for me.  I like to give.  Sometimes, people think I give too much, but that is how I show my love.  I pay attention to people, and listen for clues for what they might like or want.

Well, I guess that catches you up for now.  I am so tired of this election nonsense I can't stand it anymore. I have a doctor appointment on election day, but I will exercise my right and vote.  Then maybe all the ads will stop and we can get on with life.  No matter who wins, he/she will have a nation to repair in attitude and policy. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to live in another country, but then I think I would have to remain a US citizen.  No matter what, this is still the best country in the world.  Besides, I wouldn't know where to go.  Take Care.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I should be doing my homework right now.  But, I am not.  I have 3 assignments due tomorrow night by midnight.  I printed them up, but they remain safely nestled in my class folder sitting on my bed.  Why am I not doing them?  Because, quite frankly, I do not care.  I have other things on my mind.
About 2 weeks ago, I started having menstrual cramps.  But, I have not bled.  This is unusual, because I have not had a period for 4 years.  I let it go a week, then I called the doctor.  I had my appointment this past Tuesday.  They examined me, did a full pelvic exam and pap smear.  She also screened my urine for a possible urinary tract infection.  She said she should hear something by today, Thursday.  But, so far nothing.
I had to take my mom to her this morning.  She is having more debilitating pain in her left knee.  While I was there, I asked about my lab work.  Nothing back yet, I was told.  So, I called at at 3:45pm, right before they close.  Nothing back yet, the nurse said again.  Okay, I am freaking out now.  My doctor is not in tomorrow, so that means I have to wait until Monday.
I don't know if they know this, but you don't tell a person with an anxiety disorder to wait.  It is truly killing me.  The worst possible diagnosis has engraved in my brain.  Something bad came back with my pap smear.  I have cervical cancer.  I just know there is something wrong with me.  Otherwise, the tests would have come back already.
I am so wrapped up in this, I cannot concentrate on anything else.  Of course, I am worrying over nothing, right?  The lab is just slow.  They are backed up.  I am trying to convince myself that is the case.  But, in my heart, I know it's not true.  I just need it confirmed. What will I do if I have cancer?
First, I have to figure out a way to tell my mom, as I did not tell her about the cramping.  It's still going on by the way.  I bought some specialized medical insurance several months ago.  It covers heart attack, stroke and cancer.  So, I think I am okay financially.  It's the chemotherapy that scares me.  I don't want to be sick.  I want to finish school, go to church, visit my father and a million other things.  I know that cancer treatment has advanced, but I've always heard the cure is worse than the disease.
This is all my fault for not taking good care of myself.  If only...
But, I can't turn back time.  I can't change anything I've done.  I can change the future.  So, I have been praying for healing of an unknown illness, and strength to go through whatever God has planned for me.  I know, you are probably saying, she is blowing this way out of proportion.  It's true, I have a tendency to do that.  But, I know my body, I know when something isn't right.  There is something going on within me.  Besides, I had originally thought ovarian cancer.  I was one of those women who put baby powder in her underwear everyday.  Plus, both are rather difficult to diagnose.  So, how can I be sure?
So, I wait and worry, worry and wait.  I have a feeling I won't get my homework done this weekend.  I'll do it for tomorrow night, but it won't be my best effort.  How could it?  I don't really care.
I'll keep you posted on how everything goes.  In the meantime, you'll probably see a couple of more posts from me.  All I'll be doing is waiting and wondering and thinking too much.  Please pray for me.
Peace, Joy, Love
Bev