Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Treading Lightly

 

So, I've been in a depression for a few weeks. Actually, it started in July. It just gradually got worse until it came to a head on August 19th, 2 days after my birthday. My birthday was quiet, nothing special, but I was pretty disconnected by then. I called my therapist in a full blown panic. She put me on STD immediately. I haven't been to work since August 13th. It came with a little relief, but I am not feeling better. 

I am still disconnected. The 2 halves of my brain are fighting for control. Right now, the left side is winning which is evident because I am now able to put some words together. I also have a tremendous headache on the left side of my head. I am a little confused and have poor concentration. 

I am taking one day at a time. I've set very small basic goals for myself everyday. For example, I took a shower today. I had not taken in shower in a week. It took so much effort to do it. I just barely was able to lift my arms and wash my body. I did feel better once I bathed and put on clean clothes. That enabled me to complete my second goal, which was going to get cat food. 

After that, I made myself a turkey sandwich and took a nap. Even though these goals are very small and doable, I am tired after doing something so simple. I did do a little cleaning because the house was in disarray. No one really cleans but me, and I have not been in much of a mood to clean. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. Believe me when I say, this is taking a lot of effort from me. 

So, I've been sleeping a lot, and watching a little television. I found myself watching Murder, She Wrote for the past week. It's harmless and mildly entertaining. 

Well, I guess that's all for now. I need to take another nap. 

B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Birthday Girl

 

On Monday, if I'm still here, I will have completed my 60 revolution around the sun and will begin my 61st year of life. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Usually my birthday is a good time for me. I'm happy and feel good about life. This year though, it's not the case. I'm very tired. 

I've been fighting a depressive episode for about a month now. I have no motivation to do anything. I don't eat much, I don't take care of myself like I used to do. I haven't been able to do any creative writing. My concentration is bad, and I've been mediocre in my job. I just don't seem to care about anything. 

I don't have any money and am behind in all my bills. But even that doesn't bother me right now. I just want to go away and sleep. I don't sleep very well because my body hurts all the time. I don't really watch television, it more or less watches me. It hurts to play with my cat, Zelda. She likes to sit with me and on me, but her 12 lbs. feels more like 100 lbs. on my skin. 

I have an appointment with a neurologist on the first of September. I'm hoping to get a full work up so someone can finally tell me what's wrong. I'm still getting acupuncture treatments and it does help a bit. I don't have that shooting pain in my left shoulder anymore. My right shoulder is still painful, but that's due to my torn rotator cuff. I'm getting surgery on that on October 9th. Hopefully, it goes well. 

 April went back to work yesterday. She's working from home. Erica is still unemployed. I feel like I just can't move sometimes. I have numbness in my hands sometimes, and my legs hurt and feel really heavy. It's crazy, but I am hoping that the doctor tells me I have some type of debilitating disease. At least I'd know what was wrong. 

I don't have any real goals this year. I would like to go to another concert or to play. Maybe I will see the Nutcracker this year. I'd also like to go out of town for a weekend. I guess I'll have to catch up on my bills first before I can plan anything like that. 

I got my promotion to level 2 in June, but I'm not getting paid for it. The company still has me in the system as a level 1. I've been talking to my supervisor about it for over a month. Still, nothing has changed. I'm a little pissed off about it, but then again, I'm having trouble really caring. I don't really care about the job anymore. I don't feel that urge to help people in this capacity. 

I applied for client coordinator job at VEG today. It's an emergency pet clinic. I'll see what happens. Maybe I'll get it. Who the hell knows anymore. I need money, and I need something stimulating to do. I'm bored, and tired. Maybe I'll feel better on my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. 

Peace-B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Lurking

 

The one thing about being bipolar is that there is always the threat of a breakdown lurking in the back of your mind. I mean I could be going along with my day and suddenly I have a thought about driving my car into a tree. It's nothing serious, just a random thought will flitter across my brain. Sometimes, I get a sudden shudder and feel sad for no apparent reason. I can't explain it. It just happens. 

The trick is in managing these random, intrusive thoughts. You can't let them take root. Otherwise, I would have found that tree a couple of weeks ago. I suppose you could say that I am a bit depressed. I'm tired all the time and my body still hurts. It's draining. It's exhausting, it's maddening. 

I reached my breaking point a couple of weeks ago and in desperation I found an acupuncturist. Fortunately, my health insurance pays for it. I went there twice now, and some of my pain has actually gone down a bit. I discovered a few things about my body. I am in a constant state of inflammation. There are not too many spots on my body that aren't tender to the touch. I had close to 100 needles inserted on my back alone.  

I volunteered at the zoo yesterday. It wasn't a lot of fun. I was in the contact yard, aka Children's Petting Zoo. I am not a person who likes being around children. They are loud and chaotic. I'm not mean by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just quiet. I spent most of the time sweeping up goat turds, which is part of the job. It's also part of the job to interact with the guest. It was an okay time. It just wasn't the fun I had pictured. So, I was disappointed. I have to sign up again for another shift next month. I'm supposed to volunteer at least 4 hours a month. The only good thing was that I got 4000 steps in. So, I ended up walking 2.5 miles yesterday. I came home and took a nap. I slept most of last night too, which is a good thing. I was actually in my bed instead of on the couch. 

I have a session with my therapist today at noon. I guess I'll talk about these suicidal thoughts I've been having. Lately, I've been thinking I'm worth more dead than alive. The rent will be late again this month. I'm late on my car payment and the electric bill. I'm sad about it, and I don't see a way out. I can't ask my brother for money, since he was on disability too. 

I'm kind of out of it. I don't feel like putting a positive spin on things right now. I know I should count my blessings and be grateful for the things I have, but I'm tired of being positive right now. I just want to go away somewhere and sleep for a while. I have to clean today, since no one else seems to know how to clean the bathroom or mop the floors. I'm feeling resentful towards April and Erica. They aren't making much effort to help around the house. I know April is limited in what she can do, but Erica isn't and all she does is draw and watch TV. I wish I had enough money to live on my own. I'm tired of living with them. 

In 2 weeks, I will turn 61. I don't know how I feel about it. I usually look forward to my birthday. But since I will be working this month for nothing, I'm not feeling very enthusiastic. I'm just so tired. 

B