Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Sitting in a Dirty Diaper

 

I had a good session this morning with my therapist. At the end of my sessions, she normally leaves me with a thought for the day to think about and change my behavior. Today's thought was that I sometimes sit in a dirty pamper or diaper. I thought to myself, "how disgusting, yet true." 

I do sometimes choose to sit and wallow in my own psychological filth. I let the guilt, shame and disgust about the choices I've made in my life overwhelm me to the point that I get stuck and cannot move. My grief about the loss of my mom still creeps up on me and slaps me dead in the mouth. I become paralyzed with fear, thinking that I cannot possible go on without her. 

I've learned a lot about myself and the tools that I have at my disposal over my many years in therapy. But sometimes, I just forget everything and stew in my emotions. I don't want to. I have dreams like everyone else. I have goals. However, I tend to put them on the back burner because in my mind I'm still 30 years old and think I have time. In fact, I'm 61 and rapidly running out of time. 

I have often said that I never thought I would live past 45, so sometimes I get confused and overwhelmed by the fact that I am still alive and expected to participate in society. I really am perplexed regarding my life. I often want to run away and become someone else because the life I have now is not what I planned. I was going to be a doctor once. I was going to be a veterinary nurse. I was going to be a psychologist. I was going to be a wife and mother. None of that worked out in my favor. 

The fact that I still don't have a bachelor's degree grates on me. I am still in pursuit of it. I plan on going back for the spring semester having pulled out of the last 2. But this time, I will be different. I will pull myself out of the muck and mire, and follow my dream. I still have a job, so I guess I will do it. I've applied for other things, but so far nothing has come of it. I will continue to work on my book. I only have a few more chapters to go. Once I finish it, I will try to self publish. I don't know what will come of it, but it will be a goal accomplished. 

So, today, I am changing my diaper. Still a disgusting thought but the metaphor fits. I have got to move on from my mom's death. She's not physically here anymore, but the things she taught me are still in my heart and mind. I will try to remember that she is still cheering me on and guiding my steps. Sure, she was flawed. Aren't we all? I'll be honest, sometimes I still get mad at her for being sick. But, it wasn't her fault. She did love me. She loved me a lot. She was my ride or die. Now that I'm on my own, I will try to make her proud. It's time to grow up finally and put on some big girl panties. 

Peace, Joy, Love- B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Road to Normal

 

Things are looking up. At least it feels that way. It's true we are still broke, but we came up with a remedy to our rent troubles. We are splitting the payments with a Flex program. I just found out about it today. We'll see how it works out. I won't be back to work until November. I'm having surgery on my right shoulder on Oct. 9th. I have a torn rotator cuff. I did something intentional today. I submitted my disability claim for it. 

I was supposed to go back to work from my depression on Oct. 19th, but I'll still be recovering from surgery. I don't want to go back to work for Delta. I am actively looking for a new job. I've sent out 4 resumes this week. I don't know how that's going to work, but something will break, I can feel it. 

I guess you could say I'm feeling better. I've been waking up early everyday. I feed the animals and walk Kyber. Then, I have my breakfast. I'm still having trouble taking a shower. I just don't feel like it. I don't smell or anything. I take a shower twice a week. I wash my face and brush my teeth. I just hate getting into the shower. I don't go anywhere, so I don't think about to often. 

I had my pre-op visit today. I'll be out of commission for about 3-4 weeks. It's arthroscopic surgery, so they don't have to cut me open to fix my shoulder. The pain is constant and it's pretty severe. I don't take anything for it but Tylenol. I'll get something stronger on the day of surgery. 

Anyway, I guess I'm getting back to normal. I haven't thought about dying lately. Of course, I feel a lot better now that the weather has changed. It rained the other day and the temperature dropped 20 degrees. So, fall has arrived. I hope it stays cool. It should, I mean it is the end of September. 

Once I get back to work, I'm going to start saving. I have to catch up of course. So, this Christmas won't be much. I wish we could move. I want a Christmas tree. Of course the animals would probably take it down. Kyber would be scared of it, and Zelda would probably climb in it. Oh well, I guess I can't have a tree. 

I'm trying to figure out what to do for a hobby. I mean, I have my writing, but I haven't written anything in 2 months. I need to try to write something this weekend. I've been thinking of the sex scene I wrote. I think I'm going to take it out and keep things PG. It's kind of explicit. It kind of goes against the overall tone of the story. I think I'll work on it tomorrow. 

I need to write a couple of letters this weekend too. I just sent one out this week to my friend in Italy. I need to write to MJ in Ohio and Julie in Australia. I have plenty of stamps. I bought some before the price went up. 

I think we are food shopping tomorrow. I don't know for sure. I gave April my money so she could pay the bills. The car payment will be late again. I hope it doesn't get repossessed, but if it does, oh well. We'll work something out. I guess that's all for now. I finally feel like a whole person again. I feel connected. For now anyway. 

Peace - B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: No Rest for the Weary

 

It's 4 am and I'm wide awake. This is the second night in a row. My gut is churning and I am a nervous wreck. I have no idea what's going on with me. Yesterday was a bad day. I did nothing. I have to take a shower today. I have a doctor's appointment today for my annual check-up. I don't want to go, but I need refills for my meds. 

I listen to music when I can't sleep. Sometimes, it helps to calm me down. Sometimes, it doesn't like tonight. If I lived alone, I could clean or something. I wish I had some money, I'd gas up my car and go for a drive. I wish I could run away. I'd go to some small town somewhere and start over. But I guess that only works in the movies. 

I need to get out of my head. It's getting crowded in there. I retreat to my fantasies when things get hard. I always dream that I'm married or in a serious relationship with men that I knew in my past. I regret some decisions I've made regarding them. I should have paid more attention. I realize now that a couple of them actually liked me and wanted to go out with me, but I was too stupid and their attentions went right over my head. 

I could be married now. There was a guy in love with me when I was 18. However, I was so focused on going to college and being with friends that I let him pass me by. I only realized later that I loved him. He went on in his life and had a family with someone else. I recently learned he is getting married again. If this was a soap opera, I'd stop the wedding. we've kept in touch, and I know he still loves me. I think now I'm just way too complicated for him. He knows all about my troubles, and I guess he doesn't want to deal with it. I guess I'll never know for sure. 

I'm running out of time. I will be one of those people who lived a life unfulfilled. Ever since I was little, I've always thought of my life as a dream I am having as a baby. I keep waiting to wake up and live my life knowing what I know now. It suddenly hit me that this is my life and it's not a dream. It's up to me to start living, and I don't know if I can. 

Peace - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Where Do I Go from Here?

 

Well, I am starting to feel a little better. I'm still somewhat disconnected from the world, but I feel like I am finally starting to wake up from a stupor. I have a daily schedule that I follow. It tells me what to do and when to do it. It seems kind of silly I know, but if I don't follow it, I get stuck. I'm still having difficulties doing my activities of daily living. 

To people who have no idea what mental illness is about, the idea of activities of daily living sounds a little foolish. However, the mind would rather do nothing than be active. For me, activities of daily living are the first thing that goes by the wayside when I am experiencing a bipolar episode. My depression tells me that I am not worthy of being clean, or living in a nice space, or eating good food. I feel like garbage and I treat myself like garbage. 

I have to convince myself every moment of every day that I am worthy. I am worthy of combing my hair and putting on clean clothes. If I didn't, I would become a blob sitting in bed contemplating my death. I still think of dying everyday, but not by suicide. Ok, I do think of suicide from time to time, but it's not serious. However, I don't think I'll be around in 10 years. I passively let myself get sick this time. I wasn't taking care of myself as far as my diabetes is concerned, and my blood sugar soared to 450. After a scolding from my doctor, I went back on the sensor and my insulin pump, so now things are back under control. I didn't do any damage to my vital organs. My liver and kidney functions remain normal. 

I'm now trying to decide what I want the rest of my life to be. Where do I go from here? It's a cinch that I can't go back to Delta Dental as a customer advocate. When ever I think of doing that job, I get a blinding headache and palpitations. If I could go back in another capacity I would. Hell, I'd even work in the mailroom. I guess I'll have to ask about it, if I ever get my nerve up again. 

My therapist says I should look for another job, and I have been. But nothing seems to fit. I could get a job in a front office somewhere. She thinks I would be good as a senior companion. I don't know how much something like that pays, but I need at least 3500 a month to make ends meet. 

Plus, there's school. I would like to go back and finish my English degree. I had to skip the last 2 semesters. I'd like to go back in the spring. But there's the whole issue with my concentration and having the time to study. With my Monday-Thursday schedule, I couldn't study very well. But, I don't think I could work 5 days a week. I would like to go to school full-time, but that's not feasible. 

I've been having dreams that I hit the lottery for some obnoxious amount of money, and everything would be taken care of financially. However, in the dream, I'm still not happy. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I don't go on a spending spree, in fact, I make modest purchases, invest and give to charity. But, I'm still unfulfilled. I guess I'm having an existential crisis. 

Maybe I am supposed to give my life over to God. Let Him point me in the direction I should go. I'm too chicken to do it though. I'm such a coward about things. too afraid to try and unsure of myself. Let's face it, in the grand scheme of things, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. 

Peace - B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Guilt, Shame and Despair

 

It's official, I have hit bottom, well almost I think. But I am broke as fuck. I just had to borrow 2k from my aunt to pay this months rent. I used to go to my brother when I needed help. I guess I owe him about 25k. 

Unfortunately, my brother now has emphysema and COPD is on disability also. So, in the matter of 3 months all 3 of us have been out of work. I'm supposed to get shoulder surgery in October, but I don't think I'll be able to have it done. I'm supposed to go back to work on 10/17. The surgery is supposed to be on 10/9. That's not enough recovery time. 

I am filled to the brim with guilt and shame. My gut is churning from it. I am worth more dead than alive. However, suicide is not an option. I can only hope that I get into a car accident and die instantly. That way my family will get money from my life insurance and the car insurance. 

Why is my life so hard? Why am I always struggling? I have prayed for relief. I have prayed for healing. But things still remain the same. I keep having dreams that I have given my life for service to God. Is that a calling? What am I supposed to do? Should I, at 61 years old, become a nun? I don't think I'm religious enough for that. 

I haven't been to church in about a month. I'm too ashamed. I feel like a failure in every aspect of my life. My job has become the enemy. My health is failing, and I have no control over my finances. 

On a positive note, I am in contact with my pen pal MJ. She made some biscotti for me. It should be here on Tuesday. I can't wait. I finally have something to look forward to, even if it is just a package of cookies. 

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Cobwebs on My Eyes

 

Well, things are pretty much the same. My brain has decided to take an extended vacation. I have no motivation to do anything. For example, I am trying to make a schedule for my day in order to find some purpose in every day. It's exhausting trying to think of things to do. I got stuck after making time for breakfast. I suppose I better put down time to bathe. That's the only way it's going to get done. 

I wanted to shower today, but I was running late for a doctor appointment, so I had to go as I was. I was semi-clean. I took a shower yesterday. I washed my hair last weekend. I'm having a lot of trouble with my teeth however. I just can't seem to remember to do it. I usually run some toothpaste over them at night. 

After I shower, I still have nothing on the schedule to do. Usually, I take a nap. The point of making a schedule is to have a list of things to do. I suppose I could look for another job. I could find some volunteer opportunities. I need to get back to school. That's my preference. I think I would like to go to school fulltime. I like learning and studying. Unfortunately, I need money, so I have to work. I was thinking I could apply for disability again. I mean it's clear I can't hold a job. 

It's weird, I feel like I have cobwebs all over my eyes. It's like I pull them off during the day, but then they come back. Each morning they are thicker and more blinding. Some mornings, I feel like I can't see at all. They are back on my eyes right now. I feel like I could take a nap. 

I went to the endocrinologist today. I had bloodwork done, and got a small scolding from my doctor because I haven't been using my glucometer sensor or using my insulin pump. Right now my blood sugar is 400. Normal is 100-120. So my sugar is really high. I suppose I should go to the hospital, but I don't want to. I hate hospitals now. I hate all the noise and the smells. Hospitals really aren't restful. 

I don't know how I feel. I am disconnected from the world. I don't really care about too much. The rent is late, and I got a notice about the car. I have to pay $950 on Friday, otherwise it will be repossessed. Fortunately, April gets paid this week. I get my $450 std benefit. I'm behind on everything. We're in a real financial mess. As much as I love Erica, and want her to fulfill her dreams, I need her to get a job.  

I may need to contact my Aunt D for some financial assistance, but I am just too consumed with guilt and shame. I need to go to the food bank tomorrow. I suppose that will be my goal for tomorrow. God, I'm tired.