Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Other Shoe

 

Well, I have had a lot , well maybe not a lot, but I have had an increase in my anxiety levels lately. I don't know exactly why. I think it's because everything is going pretty well. I have been able to pay my bills. And I've worked almost 2 straight weeks without taking time off, which is a major accomplishment for me. I only missed 1 hour. I could have missed more because I was worn out and cranky by Thursday. 

Actually, my new schedule is working out better than I thought it would. The idea of having a 3 day weekend every week is enough to bolster my spirits. The hardest day is Wednesday. Not because of a particular reason, it's just like hurry up and be over so I can have 3 days off. Thursdays are pretty good for the most part. It's like HOORAY, the end of the week is here. 

Working a 10 hour day isn't too bad. I get a break every 2 hours. That includes my 1 hour lunch. Sometimes, I take a little power nap. I have 2 more breaks after lunch, so I feel pretty good. The last hour from 6 to 7:15 tend to drag. Every once in a while I get a last minute phone call. April and Erica think I should go into personal for the last 3 minutes, but I can't do that. It would be considered call avoidance which is a serious offense. People have been fired because of it. I am being watched every second that I am at work. The even know how many keystrokes I make during a call and what screens I access. It's very creepy if I stop and think about it. Most of the time, I just merrily type away and do my job. 

Anyway, about my anxiety. I've been living in survival mode for so long, that my body and brain aren't used to not having anything to worry about. I guess I could worry, but I have learned to live in the moment so I'm not stressed all the time. But since my brain isn't used to it, it invents things to worry about. I've been having anxiety-ridden dreams and a couple of nightmares. I had a very serious nightmare a couple of weeks ago. I was being stalked by Pennywise. I kept my eyes closed and covered my head incase I woke up and he was really there. Like a little kid, I thought as long as I don't see him I'm safe. Eventually, he went away and I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep. 

I also had a very weird dream about my dog Smokey, who died like 20 years ago. I was taking care of him and everyone was telling me to put him down. People kept coming up to me and telling me that he was just a dog. But, he was more than just a dog. He was my baby and he was sick. It was my job to take care of him. So, I did. Eventually, in the dream I carried him away from everyone, and he and I lived off by ourselves. 

Those are the only dreams I remember. In some others, I was running from someone. I don't know who or why, but I remember waking up not being able to breath. I suppose all of these dreams are my subconscious self telling me that I need to take control of my life. I think I am. I have a lot going on and coming up soon. I think my old brain is bracing me for the other shoe to drop. But so far, it hasn't happened. Things are always working out. Sometimes not like I thought, but always to my benefit. I'm trying to redirect the anxiety so it doesn't set up housekeeping in my brain. 

My old brain was constantly ready for the worst case scenario. It didn't always happen, but I was in such bad shape that I couldn't appreciate when things went well. I was not a great person to be around. I don't know how I am now. I really don't care what other people think about me. I'm doing okay in my little corner of the world. I am much happier nowadays. 

So, the other shoe hasn't dropped. Things are going well and I am rejoicing in it. Well, I guess that's all. 

Peace, Joy, Love- B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Blessings

 

Well, it's 3 am and here I am again. I had an interesting therapy session yesterday morning. I didn't have anything bad to report. Mostly, we talked about my successes. I know right!! I have successes!? Amazingly, I have set some things in motion that are pointing to a well lived life. 

This past Monday, I took a vacation day to do a background role on Tulsa King. It was an airport seem and I was one of about 300 people on set. It was hard work because I had to do a lot of walking while carrying a suitcase. I was worried that my back would be screaming with pain, but actually I felt pretty good. 

I met a few people on set. Of course, they were all younger than me, but they were very nice women. I got a very nice boost to my ego from the wardrobe, hair and makeup people. We were supposed to come dressed for a day of travel. I wore a pair of purple and pink tie-dye yoga pants, a purple t-shirt and my pink and purple swoop Nikes. The wardrobe mistress said she liked my look a lot, and I didn't need to change. The makeup person said I did a good job on my makeup, and the hair person said my hair looked good. I thought I looked cute. I topped of the look with a denim jacket. 

I was there for 8 hours, but the shoot only took 2 1/2 hours. As an extra, you spend most of the time sitting around waiting for them to set up the shot. Lunch was served, but I ate what I brought since I wasn't sure about the looks of the food. After, Erica's food poisoning experience, I wasn't taking any chances. I had a good time and it definitely lit a fire under me. I'm going to try to get more background roles and hopefully get an agent. 

The only bad part was that I had to drive to downtown Atlanta. I stayed off the highway because there was a big accident that morning. So, it took about an hour and half to get there. The route took me through some sketchy areas, but it was uneventful. I was in the new Rogue. That's right, we have a new car. Well, it's a 2023 Nissan Rogue. I still have my 2010 Rogue, but I bought my sister a used car last Sunday. Why? I have no clear idea except that it was needed and I could get it done. I withdrew from my 401k. I figure, I'll never retire. I'll just die on the phone. 

At any rate, it made me feel good. I booked my trip to Ohio to meet my pen pal, MJ. I will be there from May 26 to May 30th. I booked the flight and the hotel. I was going to rent a car, but that's too expensive. I will using LYFT to get to the Atlanta airport and from the Akron airport to the hotel. I don't mind really. The only hitch in my plans is that I have a 2 hour layover in Chicago. I have to change planes. Which is a bummer. But, I'm only taking carryon bag. I'm really looking forward to it. I hope everything goes well. 

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday about my pain. He gave me a 2 trigger point injections in my shoulders, which has helped. The pain isn't totally gone, but at least my shoulders aren't on fire. The pain was so horrible last night. He said he doesn't think I will need surgery, hence the injections, and I'm getting pain meds and muscle relaxants. I also have to go back to physical therapy, which is going to be difficult with my new schedule. 

I go my TB test for my zoo volunteer job. Orientation is April 12th. I'm really excited about that too. I'm hopping to work in the kitchen preparing animal meals. On March 27, I go to the library for a Spanish lesson. It a free beginner's class. I'm hoping that I get to practice what I've learned on Duolingo. I read it pretty well, but I struggle with speaking. 

So, I've got some irons in the fire. Emotionally things are going well. I dealt with the anniversary of Mom's death well. Mainly, I was too busy to wallow. I thought about her sure, but I didn't get depressed. 

I have to take the car to the dealer later today. It needs some tweaking. I really like the car. It only has 26k miles. It was more that I wanted to spend, but between the 2 of us, we'll be able to afford it. I paid off some bills with my 401k money, so I won't be so strapped for cash.

Oh well, I guess that's all for now. I wanted to take the time to acknowledge my blessings. I'm a very fortunate person even if I don't have a lot of money. I still play the lottery, you never know. lol 

I have to go to confession tomorrow, I haven't been to church in a while. Been to tired and in too much pain. Hopefully, I'll be able to go to Easter services. I need a new dress. I think I'll do a little shopping now. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B