Well, I have had a lot , well maybe not a lot, but I have had an increase in my anxiety levels lately. I don't know exactly why. I think it's because everything is going pretty well. I have been able to pay my bills. And I've worked almost 2 straight weeks without taking time off, which is a major accomplishment for me. I only missed 1 hour. I could have missed more because I was worn out and cranky by Thursday.
Actually, my new schedule is working out better than I thought it would. The idea of having a 3 day weekend every week is enough to bolster my spirits. The hardest day is Wednesday. Not because of a particular reason, it's just like hurry up and be over so I can have 3 days off. Thursdays are pretty good for the most part. It's like HOORAY, the end of the week is here.
Working a 10 hour day isn't too bad. I get a break every 2 hours. That includes my 1 hour lunch. Sometimes, I take a little power nap. I have 2 more breaks after lunch, so I feel pretty good. The last hour from 6 to 7:15 tend to drag. Every once in a while I get a last minute phone call. April and Erica think I should go into personal for the last 3 minutes, but I can't do that. It would be considered call avoidance which is a serious offense. People have been fired because of it. I am being watched every second that I am at work. The even know how many keystrokes I make during a call and what screens I access. It's very creepy if I stop and think about it. Most of the time, I just merrily type away and do my job.
Anyway, about my anxiety. I've been living in survival mode for so long, that my body and brain aren't used to not having anything to worry about. I guess I could worry, but I have learned to live in the moment so I'm not stressed all the time. But since my brain isn't used to it, it invents things to worry about. I've been having anxiety-ridden dreams and a couple of nightmares. I had a very serious nightmare a couple of weeks ago. I was being stalked by Pennywise. I kept my eyes closed and covered my head incase I woke up and he was really there. Like a little kid, I thought as long as I don't see him I'm safe. Eventually, he went away and I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep.
I also had a very weird dream about my dog Smokey, who died like 20 years ago. I was taking care of him and everyone was telling me to put him down. People kept coming up to me and telling me that he was just a dog. But, he was more than just a dog. He was my baby and he was sick. It was my job to take care of him. So, I did. Eventually, in the dream I carried him away from everyone, and he and I lived off by ourselves.
Those are the only dreams I remember. In some others, I was running from someone. I don't know who or why, but I remember waking up not being able to breath. I suppose all of these dreams are my subconscious self telling me that I need to take control of my life. I think I am. I have a lot going on and coming up soon. I think my old brain is bracing me for the other shoe to drop. But so far, it hasn't happened. Things are always working out. Sometimes not like I thought, but always to my benefit. I'm trying to redirect the anxiety so it doesn't set up housekeeping in my brain.
My old brain was constantly ready for the worst case scenario. It didn't always happen, but I was in such bad shape that I couldn't appreciate when things went well. I was not a great person to be around. I don't know how I am now. I really don't care what other people think about me. I'm doing okay in my little corner of the world. I am much happier nowadays.
So, the other shoe hasn't dropped. Things are going well and I am rejoicing in it. Well, I guess that's all.
Peace, Joy, Love- B
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