Well, things kind of got away from me this week. I was anxious and weepy on Monday. On Tuesday, I was tired and wanted to sleep all day. On top of that, I couldn't regulate my blood glucose levels. It kept falling below 70 no matter what I did. Then my shoulders locked up. So, I only worked 5 hours. This morning was just bad. I fed the kids, and just vegetated on the couch. I didn't work today. I know it's just me sabotaging myself again. I was doing really well for quite a while. This week just isn't good. I couldn't figure out why, but then I remembered my mom's birthday is on Saturday. She would have been 86 yrs old.
I've known this day was coming, I even thought I was prepared. I wasn't however. I was ready for a big emotional swing, but not the little things that have crept up on me. I would be doing something in the kitchen and suddenly I would remember how my mom did it. I was making myself a chicken sandwich the other day, and I just remember thinking that my mom made great sandwiches. I wasn't feeling well this morning, I was dizzy and nauseous. It flashed in my mind that my mom would have made me tea and toast and I would feel better. She would massage my shoulders to help with the pain.
I really wanted to talk to my mom this week. I wanted a hug. It's all well and good to think about her and the things she would do and say, but it's not the same as having her here in the flesh. I can hardly wait to see her again. I went over an inventory in my head of the things I remember about her. The touch of her hands, the way she smelled. Her laughter that was infectious and the way she looked after everyone in the family. Especially the way she looked after me. I have now been on my own for 6 years, and let me tell you, being an adult is highly over-rated. I thought I'd get to go and do whatever I wanted. I couldn't wait to stay up late. Now, I just want to go to bed at 9 pm.
I remember how limber I was. Now, I can barely put on my underwear on without falling down. When I was young, I could drop something and immediately pick it up. Now, if I drop something, I have to ask myself how much I really need it. Getting down on the floor is now a physically challenge. I have to make sure i have a plan to get back up. I used to be able to literally dance all night. Now, if I sleep in the wrong position, my back is messed up for a week or more.
I need to talk to my mom about all this. I need to know why she didn't warn me. I want to know why I need to take pain relievers in order to do the laundry. I need to ask my dad why I have to turn the radio down in the car when I have trouble reading the street signs.
I just wish I could go back in time and have these conversations. I need to tell my parents that I'm sorry for chuckling at their aches and pains. I need to say sorry for making fun of wearing socks and sandals and not being able to eat certain foods after 8 pm.
I wish I could go back, but only if I was able to know everything I know now. Life would be hella different. I'd still be old and my parents may still be gone, but I would KNOW.
Peace, Joy, Love -B
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