So the past 2 weeks have been pretty awful. I felt myself unraveling and I was so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted I could not stop it. So, I just let it happen. It started with little things as always. I didn't make my bed. My hygiene went out the window, and I stopped eating. Everything tasted like wood and I had no appetite. I lost about 4 lbs. , which is good I guess. My hair was a mess, and I didn't get dressed. I managed to get to work but I worked in my pajamas, or whatever I wore to bed.
I guess I was upset. I really don't know why. My mom's birthday came and went without much disturbance. Honestly, I tried not to think about it. I didn't really want to think about her, so I thought about everything but her. Which is why I got depressed I think. I also was worried about money. Erica got laid off so she has no money coming in. Her dick faced boss, just fired her and Steffanie saying he couldn't afford them anymore. He blamed his poor money management for the situation. Ok, but he just screwed over my family. I tried not to panic, but it didn't work. I held it all in because I didn't want Erica to feel any worse than she already did.
Fortunately, I had managed to pay off 2 accounts before the hammer fell. Now I have to worry about the car payment and the rent and buying cat food. I also get to deal with this neck and shoulder pain on top of it. I just got so tired. I'm still spending most nights on the couch, sleeping sitting up. If I lay down I compress the nerves in my neck and burning pain shoots into my arms to the elbow. I started physical therapy, and it feels better afterward most of the time. But then, I end up in pain again because I did the extreme motion of trying to get a glass out of the cabinet. To top it off, I'm stuck in this chair trying to work and getting stiff. I pushed my monitors back a bit so I'm not holding my head at an angle so much. But, after 10 hours, my neck hurts. I only get maybe 3 hours of sleep a night. I usually fall asleep around 11, and wake up at 2 or 3 pm. Sometimes, I can dose off again, but most of the time I'm just up trying to alleviate the pain.
Today, I washed my hair. So, my neck and shoulders are screaming at me. In fact, typing this blog is causing pain, but it doesn't really matter. It would hurt anyway. I have to feed the animals in a minute. Then I'll take a couple of pain pills. Then I'll try to take a nap.
I started feeling better yesterday. I finally took a shower and brushed my teeth. I put on some clean clothes and combed my hair. I almost looked presentable. I had a doctor's appointment, physical therapy and had to have an MRI of my liver. I know, big fun on my day off. All I did today was my laundry and my hair. I'd like to do my nails, but my feet are in need of professional health. They need to be scaled. I haven't had a pedicure in 6 months, so I've got some rough skin. I could do it under ordinary circumstances, but with my neck the way it is, I don't dare.
I though about just letting myself go, but I had made myself a promise when I was in the hospital last time. I promised that no matter what, I wouldn't give up. I would just try to keep it together. So, far I've managed. Of course, there are times when I'd like nothing better than a good hard cry, but it doesn't happen like before. I cried before Christmas. Haven't since. So, I will continue to try.
Peace, Joy, Love- B
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