Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A Little Respect

 

A little respect is all I ever wanted. I do a lot around the house. Let's face it, I keep the place livable. I clean the bathroom and the kitchen. I dust, vacuum and mop the floors. For a very long time, I've done these things without prompt or discussion. I do them quietly of my own volition. I've never asked for it, but I would have liked to be acknowledged somehow. 

Well, yesterday was a typical weekend day. I woke up early and took care of the animals. I then had a little breakfast and took the dog outside for his morning walk. I did my laundry. By this time it's 9 am or 9:30 am. April and Erica are just getting up. They take about 20 mins in the bathroom each, and then they fix their breakfast. I make my bed and put my Saturday clothes on because there is cleaning to do. 

After breakfast, they scroll through their phones looking at Tik Tok and talking about the videos etc. I do not usually go on Tik Tok. Besides, there's housework to be done. I have to point out that I hate a messy house. While they are able to go about their business when there are dishes in the sink, I cannot. Clutter makes me nervous. So, like I said, I clean because that is what helps me calm down. So, I start to clean up the kitchen. My clothes are in the dryer. I put the dishes in the dishwasher, wipe down the refrigerator, stove, microwave and countertops. The floor was gross, so I swept and mopped. Then I cleaned the kitty litter area and scooped the litter box so the cats won't rebel and go outside the box. So the kitchen area is clean. Since they are still sitting around scrolling through their phones, I start on the bathroom. I clean the bathroom until everything is germ free and sparkling. Then, I gather all the trash and take that out. 

I tried to sit down, but The living room is dusty, and there are small clumps of pet hair on the floor. So I swept and dusted the living room and foyer. Finally, I can relax and have my coffee. Everything is clean as I could manage, and the house smells good. That's when it happened. 

My sister got up from the table and went into the kitchen for something. I was sitting on the couch listening to my music (Heart radio on Pandora). She said something to me, so I took out my ear bud and looked at her. She said "Thank you". 

I said " your welcome."

 And then she said "Do you know what I'm saying thank you for?" I shook my head. She said, " I'm thanking you for the cleanup job, The kitchen looks great, you did a good job!" 

I was dumbstruck for a minute. She had never thanked me for cleaning up before now. I had just figured since I did it, it was my job. But here she was acknowledging my efforts. I felt kind of giddy inside. '

"Your welcome," I said. 

Then things kind of went back to the usually Saturday morning activities. I've spoken out before to April and Erica about the fact that clutter and mess makes me very anxious. To me, mess means chaos. Chaos means everything is going wrong and my world will somehow end. So, I think they just expect it from me. I must acknowledge that they do clean up from time to time. However, me being me, I don't think they do it as well as I do. LOL

But, I have noticed lately that they are thanking me for doing stuff. Erica thanks me for taking Kyber for his walks and feeding him and the cats. The thing is, these things have become part of my daily routine, and it provides structure for me. I know that I have to do certain things at a certain time. It keeps me on an even keel. They have also noticed that I pace around if I don't have anything to do. Hence, April sent me to the store yesterday afternoon because the chores were done and my laundry was done and put away. I was just kind of sitting around looking anxious. So, she made a short list, and off to Kroger I went. Erica did ask why she didn't just Instacart it. April told her I looked bored, so she was giving me something to do. 

It was kind of true. I don't mind going to the store. I go to only 3 particular stores anyway. I'm comfortable at them, because I know the layout. I go to the Kroger, Publix and Walmart. That's it. It's important to note that I only go to the stores in my neighborhood, not just any Kroger or Publix. I go to the ones near the house. 

So, I went to the store pretending I was a housewife shopping for my family. I do that a lot, pretend. Otherwise, it's just me trying to not to look desperately lonely. Anyway, I got back, and she thanked me again. Once again, I felt good. I am a people pleaser after all. Just to know what I do makes someone happy or  makes their life easier is all I've ever wanted. I just want a little acknowledgment and a little respect. This weekend, I got both. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Being Thankful?

 

I had a therapy session today. Nothing special about it. It was just my regularly scheduled station break from life that I do every week. Today, I think I bitched and moaned a little too much. Stephanie, my therapist, said that I was coming across with an attitude. The "I don't care what you think, you don't know how I feel, and my life sucks!" I guess I am feeling that way lately. I am of 2 thoughts right now. A check for $100,000 would solve all my problems right now. And 2, no one has the slightest idea of what I've been dealing with for the past 6 months. This pain is breaking my spirit. I have nothing more that I can say about it. 

Here, I am again writing in the wee hours, not because I have something profound to say, but because my body is screaming at me. I tried to lay down in my bed to sleep. That lasted about 2 hours. I came out to the living room as usual and I sat up on the couch and grabbed a few ZZZZs. I guess I slept for 3 hours. Then I had to get up again. Zelda is the only person who seems to like this arrangement. We cuddle as I try to sleep. He body is nice and warm and feels good against my joints. 

I saw the doctor today. I have a feeling that he is stumped. According to the MRI of my neck that I had in January, I don't need surgery. However, the pain remains. The intense burning sensations and weakness are still there. He ordered another MRI, and I may see a orthopaedic doctor to check out my shoulders. Then April goes and asks me if I have been evaluated for fibromyalgia or multiple sclerosis. I think I was when I had the work up from the rheumatologist, but I am not sure. So, I sent her a message asking her if I did get those tests. It turns out I have an appointment with my neurologist on May 12th, so I will bug him about the multiple sclerosis. 

Erica is just like "Go to the Mayo Clinic!!!" I would if I could. I would just like to get a full body scan and someone pointed out all my areas where things are breaking down. Then, I would know what to do. 

Right now, things are up in the air again. Stephanie says I need to concentrate on God and being thankful because things could be worse. Of course they could be worse!! I'm not stupid. But it is hard to be thankful when you are in pain all day, everyday and sleeping has become some kind of challenge. I'll work on it, I guess. But I'll tell you my heart ain't in it. 

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Promise to Try

 

So the past 2 weeks have been pretty awful. I felt myself unraveling and I was so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted I could not stop it. So, I just let it happen. It started with little things as always. I didn't make my bed. My hygiene went out the window, and I stopped eating. Everything tasted like wood and I had no appetite. I lost about 4 lbs. , which is good I guess. My hair was a mess, and I didn't get dressed. I managed to get to work but I worked in my pajamas, or whatever I wore to bed. 

I guess I was upset. I really don't know why. My mom's birthday came and went without much disturbance. Honestly, I tried not to think about it. I didn't really want to think about her, so I thought about everything but her. Which is why I got depressed I think. I also was worried about money. Erica got laid off so she has no money coming in. Her dick faced boss, just fired her and Steffanie saying he couldn't afford them anymore. He blamed his poor money management for the situation. Ok, but he just screwed over my family. I tried not to panic, but it didn't work. I held it all in because I didn't want Erica to feel any worse than she already did. 

Fortunately, I had managed to pay off 2 accounts before the hammer fell. Now I have to worry about the car payment and the rent and buying cat food. I also get to deal with this neck and shoulder pain on top of it. I just got so tired. I'm still spending most nights on the couch, sleeping sitting up. If I lay down I compress the nerves in my neck and burning pain shoots into my arms to the elbow. I started physical therapy, and it feels better afterward most of the time. But then, I end up in pain again because I did the extreme motion of trying to get a glass out of the cabinet. To top it off, I'm stuck in this chair trying to work and getting stiff. I pushed my monitors back a bit so I'm not holding my head at an angle so much. But, after 10 hours, my neck hurts. I only get maybe 3 hours of sleep a night. I usually fall asleep around 11, and wake up at 2 or 3 pm. Sometimes, I can dose off again, but most of the time I'm just up trying to alleviate the pain. 

Today, I washed my hair. So, my neck and shoulders are screaming at me. In fact, typing this blog is causing pain, but it doesn't really matter. It would hurt anyway. I have to feed the animals in a minute. Then I'll take a couple of pain pills. Then I'll try to take a nap. 

I started feeling better yesterday. I finally took a shower and brushed my teeth. I put on some clean clothes and combed my hair. I almost looked presentable. I had a doctor's appointment, physical therapy and had to have an MRI of my liver. I know, big fun on my day off. All I did today was my laundry and my hair. I'd like to do my nails, but my feet are in need of professional health. They need to be scaled. I haven't had a pedicure in 6 months, so I've got some rough skin. I could do it under ordinary circumstances, but with my neck the way it is, I don't dare. 

I though about just letting myself go, but I had made myself a promise when I was in the hospital last time. I promised that no matter what, I wouldn't give up. I would just try to keep it together. So, far I've managed. Of course, there are times when I'd like nothing better than a good hard cry, but it doesn't happen like before. I cried before Christmas. Haven't since. So, I will continue to try. 

Peace, Joy, Love- B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Hella Different

 

Well, things kind of got away from me this week. I was anxious and weepy on Monday. On Tuesday, I was tired and wanted to sleep all day. On top of that, I couldn't regulate my blood glucose levels. It kept falling below 70 no matter what I did. Then my shoulders locked up. So, I only worked 5 hours. This morning was just bad. I fed the kids, and just vegetated on the couch. I didn't work today. I know it's just me sabotaging myself again. I was doing really well for quite a while. This week just isn't good. I couldn't figure out why, but then I remembered my mom's birthday is on Saturday. She would have been 86 yrs old. 

I've known this day was coming, I even thought I was prepared. I wasn't however. I was ready for a big emotional swing, but not the little things that have crept up on me. I would be doing something in the kitchen and suddenly I would remember how my mom did it. I was making myself a chicken sandwich the other day, and I just remember thinking that my mom made great sandwiches. I wasn't feeling well this morning, I was dizzy and nauseous. It flashed in my mind that my mom would have made me tea and toast and I would feel better. She would massage my shoulders to help with the pain. 

I really wanted to talk to my mom this week. I wanted a hug. It's all well and good to think about her and the things she would do and say, but it's not the same as having her here in the flesh. I can hardly wait to see her again. I went over an inventory in my head of the things I remember about her. The touch of her hands, the way she smelled. Her laughter that was infectious and the way she looked after everyone in the family. Especially the way she looked after me. I have now been on my own for 6 years, and let me tell you, being an adult is highly over-rated. I thought I'd get to go and do whatever I wanted. I couldn't wait to stay up late. Now, I just want to go to bed at 9 pm. 

I remember how limber I was. Now, I can barely put on my underwear on without falling down. When I was young, I could drop something and immediately pick it up. Now, if I drop something, I have to ask myself how much I really need it. Getting down on the floor is now a physically challenge. I have to make sure i have a plan to get back up. I used to be able to literally dance all night. Now, if I sleep in the wrong position, my back is messed up for a week or more. 

I need to talk to my mom about all this. I need to know why she didn't warn me. I want to know why I need to take pain relievers in order to do the laundry. I need to ask my dad why I have to turn the radio down in the car when I have trouble reading the street signs. 

I just wish I could go back in time and have these conversations. I need to tell my parents that I'm sorry for chuckling at their aches and pains. I need to say sorry for making fun of wearing socks and sandals and not being able to eat certain foods after 8 pm. 

I wish I could go back, but only if I was able to know everything I know now. Life would be hella different. I'd still be old and my parents may still be gone, but I would KNOW. 

Peace, Joy, Love -B