Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: State of the Union

 

Ok, so things have become dire. Moneywise we are broke. I mean broke, no money, no mas dinero, nada. I just had to ask my brother for money, again, for food. Erica is still without a job, and April hasn't gotten her disability check because her employers are nincompoops. They sent in the wrong information to MetLife, her disability carrier. Last week she got a check for a whopping $23.90. We were like, what the flippity fuck!!?? So, now we are waiting for the second payment which is supposed to be a direct deposit, but it will probably be a paper check. 

We have nothing to eat. We have breakfast, but the rest of the day and the next few days, we have nothing. I pulled $480 out of my 401K, but it wasn't enough. We had to pay the internet bill, which I need for work and the phone bill, also needed for work. I have the enormous sum of $10.73 in my checking account. I'm out of cigarettes. I know I should skip the smokes, but quite frankly, it's one of the few things holding my emotional well-being together. I try to remain upbeat, and think positive, but I tell you if I couldn't smoke I don't think I could do it. Addiction sucks. 

Anyway, about Erica. Is she looking for a job. I don't think so. She's working on her business project. She has a shop on Etsy that sells Beyonce related products. She has some bags for sale currently, and is making her 1st keychain design. So, she's been assembling them. She's been developing this for about a year or so, and it's finally coming together. I don't want to discourage her or push her because she needs to focus. But damn girl, we need cash. 

April is coming along okay with her hip surgery recovery although she is starting to get on my nerves a bit. She can get up and do things for herself, but she just mostly sits in the chair and asks for stuff. I'm going to start saying no. Get up and get it. She still uses the walker. She supposed to go back to work next month, but we'll see. 

My brother is still on disability too, which makes me feel like shit to ask him for money help. He has emphysema. Right now the northeast is experience air quality issues because of fires in Canada. So, he can't go outside. Anyway, I always feel like shit when I have to ask him for stuff. But especially today since yesterday was his birthday. 

I wish I won just $50k. That would solve all my problems. They say money can't buy happiness, but I'll tell you this much, money would solve 99.99% of my problems and then I could concentrate on being happy. 

My job is okay. I had a very hard couple of days. My pain is getting to me, and I burst into tears the other day. I'm just so fucking frustrated. Anyway, I'm exploring eastern medicine and went for my first acupuncture treatment. I'm sore, but she said I would be. I'm going to do some research today into a couple of my medications and acupuncture. I need to get off some of these meds. I think they are making me sick. 

Speaking of my job and money. I was supposed to get a raise when I made level 2, but my last paycheck reflected my old pay grade. So, I sent a message to my supervisor. I haven't heard back yet. I will be looking into this further on Monday. 

So there you have it. The state of the union is not good. In fact we are teetering close to the edge. But then we always are. I'm so tired of being poor. Can't afford, food, gas, rent, medicine. Everything is a bunch of bullshit. Right now, at this second I hate my life. But the day will get better. It usually does. 

Peace out- B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Cute Shoes

 

I've noticed something lately. I can't wear cute shoes anymore. I can't wear heels, not even kitten heels. If I want to wear something with a heel, it has to be a wedge heel and no higher than an inch. I wonder when this happened, but I realize that it happened after my car accident in 2012 when my ankle got messed up. Eventually it had to be fused together, so now I can't even bend it. On bad days, I walk with a limp, which is just so sexy. I have to sort of drag my right leg behind me. 

Come to think of it, I don't even wear cute clothes anymore. When I turned 55, I started dressing for comfort. All my t-shirts are at least a size too big. I can't find pants that fit anymore. Everything is either too baggy or too tight. I wear a lot of yoga pants. I have 4 pairs of sneakers. I do have a pair of pink UGG boots, which are cute to me. Mostly this summer I've been wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I have a black pair of slides that I wear all the time. A lot of times I wear them with socks. Stylish I know, but that's how everybody wears them. I do have a pair of Boho sandals, but I haven't worn them a lot because my feet are ugly. I used to have pretty feet. My right foot has big scars on it from my multiple ankle surgeries. My left foot is still cute. But, I haven't had a pedicure in a long while, so my toes are kind of janky. 

I did give myself a mani-pedi today. It's not professional by any means, but at least my nails are painted. I painted my fingernails cobalt blue and my toes are hot pink. I think they look cute. I may try and look cute tomorrow. I put makeup on today, which I hardly ever do anymore. I usually makeup my eyes because I think they are my best feature, but with my lack of sleep for the last 6 months, my eyes are very dry and scratchy. I usually end up rubbing my makeup off. I don't wear lipstick anymore. I don't like the way it makes me look. As I've gotten older, it just looks cheap. I am trying to find a natural lipstick. I have one, but it's kind of old. 

I guess I need to try harder to look cute. people have told me that I am beautiful, but I think I'm more cute than beautiful. I must admit, I've let my hair go. I usually pin it up because I hate braiding it in order to wear it out and wavy. Maybe I'll try this week. I have to wash my hair tomorrow, so maybe I'll braid it until blow drying it straight. That way I'll have some nice waves. 

Unfortunately, I don't have anywhere to go when I look cute. I don't go clubbing, and I have no friends. I suppose I should call Angela from upstairs, but she doesn't have any teeth. She's nice though. Maybe if a movie comes out that I want to see, I'll ask her if she wants to go, although she rarely goes anywhere without her dog, Toby. 

I used to be so cute. I wonder why I stopped trying. Mostly I just want to be really comfortable. Unfortunately, you can't do both in this day and age. I miss my cute shoes though. I miss a lot of stuff. As Bette Davis said "Getting old ain't for sissies.!" 

 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Unquiet Mind and the Restless Heart

 

I'm feeling a lot of emotions today. I'm feeling a bit depressed, anxious and lonely. I've done my weekend chores already. I cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom, did my laundry and mopped the floor. That's not unusual. That's what I normally do on the weekends. Cleaning usually calms me down, but not today. Today, I want more. 

I went to the Publix for some groceries and to pick up April's prescriptions. It was very crowded. Which is not unusual the day before a holiday. However, there were a lot of families and couples shopping today. I guess they were getting ready for the family gatherings this weekend. It made me feel kind of sad. I want to have a family gathering. Not just with my usual family, but I want a family of my own. 

I have a churning in my gut, and I'm on the verge of tears. I haven't felt this in a long while. I'm feeling bad about myself because I don't have anyone. I've never had anyone. I used to think that it was because I was too fat and no one wanted to be with me. But that's not it. It's just me. I guess it's something about my personality or the way I come across to the opposite sex. I can't figure it out. I think that I'm friendly and approachable, but no one talks to me. I go out a lot more than I ever did before. I make myself look attractive, but still nothing happens. I exchange pleasantries and smile. I just don't get it. 

I'm not so fat. I have cute clothes. I do need to do something with my hair. I have a lot of grays and I always wear it pinned up. I suppose I should try to wear make up more often. I think I need to embrace myself and just tell the world fuck you I'm beautiful. It's all about attitude I guess. 

I haven't felt like having a man in my life for about a year. I tried to convince myself that I didn't want want. I don't need a man, I think it would just be nice to have someone who thinks I'm special. I guess I've been watching too many rom-coms. I just finished watching a series called Survival of the Thickest. It stars Michelle Buteau. She's a big girl who is simply fabulous. She has great friends and a great sense of herself. She knows she's incredible and let's everyone know it. I wish I were more like her. She created the perfect man in the series. He's Italian. I've always wanted to go to Italy. Maybe I'll meet someone overseas. 

By the way, my Aunt Delores invited me to go with her to Italy and Greece next year. I just have to save up for it and get my passport. I claim it now and put it out there in the universe. I AM going to Italy and Greece next year. Even if I have to go alone. 

Hopefully by then, I'll have had all my medical issues taken care of. I found out that I have a torn rotator cuff in my right shoulder. Last year was the left side. I'm having surgery in September. I have to pay off a few bills before then. I can do it if I put my nose to the grindstone. No missing work unless absolutely necessary. For instance, I have to go to the doctor on the 14th to see about the bulging discs in my neck, so I have to go in late since I don't have any PTO. After that, it's all work work work. 

Funny thing, I'm getting all these notices about claims examiner jobs now that I got my level 2. Where were all these jobs 6 months ago. I don't know what to do really. I could check them out, but I feel guilty just looking at the posts let alone applying for them. But then again, I can't hold back my life for Delta Dental. I have to do what's best for me. Anyway, I have to get my shoulder done before I get a new job, maybe my neck too. I have bills to pay off too. 

I've been speaking to the universe about the house I'm going to win. I am talking about it and thinking about it as if I live there. That's supposed to be the law of attraction. Speak it into existence. 

I guess I'll speak my husband into existence too. I don't want just anyone. I want Tracy. He's supposed to get married in November, but I've been speaking against it. He's supposed to be with me. That much I know for sure. It will happen. 

Of course, I may just be living in a life in my mind. All I know is that I'm tired of being alone. It's my time, my season. If I don't go after what I want, I won't get it. So, I'm going after it. 

Peace - B