I'm feeling a lot of emotions today. I'm feeling a bit depressed, anxious and lonely. I've done my weekend chores already. I cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom, did my laundry and mopped the floor. That's not unusual. That's what I normally do on the weekends. Cleaning usually calms me down, but not today. Today, I want more.
I went to the Publix for some groceries and to pick up April's prescriptions. It was very crowded. Which is not unusual the day before a holiday. However, there were a lot of families and couples shopping today. I guess they were getting ready for the family gatherings this weekend. It made me feel kind of sad. I want to have a family gathering. Not just with my usual family, but I want a family of my own.
I have a churning in my gut, and I'm on the verge of tears. I haven't felt this in a long while. I'm feeling bad about myself because I don't have anyone. I've never had anyone. I used to think that it was because I was too fat and no one wanted to be with me. But that's not it. It's just me. I guess it's something about my personality or the way I come across to the opposite sex. I can't figure it out. I think that I'm friendly and approachable, but no one talks to me. I go out a lot more than I ever did before. I make myself look attractive, but still nothing happens. I exchange pleasantries and smile. I just don't get it.
I'm not so fat. I have cute clothes. I do need to do something with my hair. I have a lot of grays and I always wear it pinned up. I suppose I should try to wear make up more often. I think I need to embrace myself and just tell the world fuck you I'm beautiful. It's all about attitude I guess.
I haven't felt like having a man in my life for about a year. I tried to convince myself that I didn't want want. I don't need a man, I think it would just be nice to have someone who thinks I'm special. I guess I've been watching too many rom-coms. I just finished watching a series called Survival of the Thickest. It stars Michelle Buteau. She's a big girl who is simply fabulous. She has great friends and a great sense of herself. She knows she's incredible and let's everyone know it. I wish I were more like her. She created the perfect man in the series. He's Italian. I've always wanted to go to Italy. Maybe I'll meet someone overseas.
By the way, my Aunt Delores invited me to go with her to Italy and Greece next year. I just have to save up for it and get my passport. I claim it now and put it out there in the universe. I AM going to Italy and Greece next year. Even if I have to go alone.
Hopefully by then, I'll have had all my medical issues taken care of. I found out that I have a torn rotator cuff in my right shoulder. Last year was the left side. I'm having surgery in September. I have to pay off a few bills before then. I can do it if I put my nose to the grindstone. No missing work unless absolutely necessary. For instance, I have to go to the doctor on the 14th to see about the bulging discs in my neck, so I have to go in late since I don't have any PTO. After that, it's all work work work.
Funny thing, I'm getting all these notices about claims examiner jobs now that I got my level 2. Where were all these jobs 6 months ago. I don't know what to do really. I could check them out, but I feel guilty just looking at the posts let alone applying for them. But then again, I can't hold back my life for Delta Dental. I have to do what's best for me. Anyway, I have to get my shoulder done before I get a new job, maybe my neck too. I have bills to pay off too.
I've been speaking to the universe about the house I'm going to win. I am talking about it and thinking about it as if I live there. That's supposed to be the law of attraction. Speak it into existence.
I guess I'll speak my husband into existence too. I don't want just anyone. I want Tracy. He's supposed to get married in November, but I've been speaking against it. He's supposed to be with me. That much I know for sure. It will happen.
Of course, I may just be living in a life in my mind. All I know is that I'm tired of being alone. It's my time, my season. If I don't go after what I want, I won't get it. So, I'm going after it.
Peace - B
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