Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Making Plans

 

So, it's Memorial Day. It is the day that we, as Americans, take the time to honor our war dead. It has become more than that though. It has become a day that we honor all of our dead. People visit the graves of loved ones and place flowers and/or flags. It's a day of remembrance. It's kind of a somber day. 

I've been thinking a lot about final arrangements lately, especially since the funeral of my Uncle Pree. I went to Pennsylvania for a week for the services. It was a very nice service. There was a viewing and church service. The burial was the next day because he was cremated. His ashes are buried at Whitemarsh Memorial Park. That's also where my grandparents on my mom's side are buried. Another uncle and aunt are there. I've been thinking about it because I still have my mom and dad's ashes. 

My mom wants her ashes to be scattered over her parent's graves, but that's not allowable. So, I decided the best thing to do was lay her to rest in the same cemetery as her family. I looked into it and the cost is outrageous. It would be like 17k to bury her ashes, so I decided to get a niche in the granite wall in the crematory garden. I decided to get 2 niches, one for me and mom and one for my dad and either my brother or sister. April isn't making any plans at this point. But my brother is thinking very seriously about it. He was very upset at my uncle's funeral. I sent him a text message about Whitemarsh and he sent a very long text message. 

At any rate, he wants to be cremated and his ashes scattered in the woods near the house where we grew up in Ambler. He also feels that mom and dad should remain together since 1) mom never stopped loving dad and was Mrs. Briggs until the day she died and 2) Dad never said he wanted to be in Michigan with Gail, and also they sent his ashes to me. So, I would really like to have dad's ashes scattered at the old Willow Grove Naval Air station but I don't know how to go about it. I suppose I will mention it to my brother and he could look into it. 

My uncle Dave wants to have a service for mom, but I'm like, no. I want a quiet family graveside service for her and we can go to lunch or dinner afterwards. Most of my mom's close friends have already passed away. So, I want to just have a nice little service to place her in the niche and I will join her when my time comes. 

It will cost a few thousand to open up the niche and get the plaque, etc. I will text him on Wednesday, my brother I mean, in response to his lengthy message. So, that's what's been happening. Making plans for the future. 

I got my level 2 raise and promotion by the way. I started training on 5/18. I will be in class until 6/29. I don't mind being off the phones. We do get on the phones for part of the time, but it's okay. The provider calls are easy because that's what I've been doing. The member calls are always a crap shoot because you never know what to expect. But, I will deal with it. 

I'm also in school this summer. I'm not doing very well in my sociology class. I just want to pass. I've given up on being an A student. It's not a healthy way to think, not anymore anyway. My brain doesn't function as fast anymore now that I'm 60. Maybe if I was 40, I'd try a lot harder. But, even when I do graduate, I won't be getting another job. I plan on retiring at Delta. I'm too old to start a new job now. I just don't care anymore. All I want is the money. 

That's all for now. My left knee is killing me. I'm going to tape it up in a few minutes. Take it easy and ask yourself, what are your life plans? 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Keep My Love Alive

 

Well, I'm back home. I came home yesterday after a week of traveling. I drove from here to Georgia to South Carolina last Monday to my Uncle Dave's house. From there we went to North Carolina to pick up my cousin Shavonne and from there we drove up to Pennsylvania for my Uncle Pree's funeral. 

It was a good trip even though spending all those hours in the car did nothing for my back. But, I didn't really pay to much attention. I was just glad to see my family. Sure, the circumstances of the gathering were sad, but it was really great to see everyone. 

My uncle was laid out in royal blue, down to his shoes. I didn't kiss him goodbye, but I did touch him. It was as I expected, stiff and cold. I did a reading for his service. I think it went pretty well. It was a catholic service, so I got to take communion. The service was very lovely and dignified. We even laughed a few times. 

We all stayed together at an AirBnB that my cousin Zachery found. It was a grand old house that reminded me of my grandmom's house. So, it felt like home. Shavonne and I shared a room, which was fun. We both snore, so I think we rattled some walls. We all had breakfast and dinner together. We were there until Thursday, and everyone hit the road going in their separate directions. The only person that flew in was Spencer as he came from Colorado. 

I got to see my brother. He looked okay. He doesn't seem too happy. I think he is lonely. I don't imagine that he has many friends. He's a registered offender, so he can't just pick up and leave the state whenever he wants. He said he may retire at 67, he's 62 now. I ask him to consider moving closer to us when he does retire. I would like to have him closer, just so he's not so alone. 

I was going to try and see my other aunt and uncle in Willow Grove, but there just wasn't enough time. Erica has a wedding in September, so maybe I'll go with her on her road trip and see my Aunt Gloria and Uncle George. 

So, here I am, back home doing the same shit. I missed a level 2 class while I was gone, so I'm still a level 1. Who knows when the next level 2 class will be. God, I hope I have another job by then. This job is a pain in the ass. 

I did my orientation at the zoo today. I have to take some classes online before I become active. School starts tomorrow. I didn't get my book yet, I ordered it before I left. Hopefully it will be here before the end of the week. I think we are reading the  Odyssey. I'm going to be up late at night doing schoolwork. But, I will work it out. I'm still taking my Spanish classes. I'm doing things that on paper sound great and positive, but I have to make a concerted effort to maintain my positivity.  

I'm trying to keep my love of life alive. I need to constantly remind myself that I'm good, and I feel okay. But there are times when I just think I'd like to lay down and sleep uninterrupted for several hours. Oh well, Back to the old grindstone. There's a shift bid tomorrow. I think I'll try to keep the same shift. I like having Friday's off. 

That's all for now. I'm actually doing pretty well hence my posts aren't quite so riveting. Who knows, maybe next week I'll have a nervous breakdown. 

Peace - B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Passages

 

When I was young, I couldn't wait to be a grown up. I thought that it would be great to do what I want, have a job, make money and stay up as long as I wanted. You know what? Being an adult sucks balls. 

I can't do what I want when I want. I work all week to have a few days off to get things done, run errands and relax. Then, Sunday comes and I have to start all over again. I go to the same boring job every week. I don't make enough money to make ends meet. I am constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul, and my body is rebelling against me. Then to top it all off, when you get older your loved ones begin dying off. 

I suppose I am more fortunate than most. I grew up with all 4 of my grandparents. They all lived to a ripe old age. Their deaths were hard but not unexpected. Then I lost my parents and my whole world collapsed. They also lived a good long life, but their deaths were not expected and they were sudden. I just remember waking up one day and I was an orphan. I was 54 years old. Too old to feel like an orphan? Not at all. I don't care how old you are, when you lose a parent you are suddenly a small child wandering around in the dark. You feel alone and scared. Suddenly you are on your own desperately trying to remember all of the advice your parents gave you. The world becomes too big, and very cold. No one is there to catch you when you fall. You have to start taking care of yourself. Alone and on your own. 

I am reminded of all of this because my favorite uncle died on May 5th. I was at a concert when I got the news. The text from my cousin Spencer simply said, "Dad passed about an hour ago." 

My first thought was Fuck. Then I just texted back "Damn, I'm so sorry, hugs and prayers for all of you." I went to see the Eagles in concert. It was great, but a dark cloud did hang over my head. 

I'm going to PA for the services. I've been asked to do a reading. I kind of thought I would be asked. It is truly an honor. I read for Aunt Berta's service. If we ever get around to doing anything for my mom, I'll do a reading for her as well. Speaking of mom, I finally got her ashes out of the storage unit, Dad's too. I really need to lay them to rest somewhere. The urns just sitting around the house seems kind of disrespectful. I'll figure it out. 

I don't know if I'm dealing with this. Maybe it will probably hit me when I get up there. I feel for my cousins though. I'm going to prepare a reading just in case. 

So, it is the way things are. You're born, you live, then you die. Kinda sucks. But there you go. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B