Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Lessons in Compassion

 

Compassion is the emotional response of recognizing suffering and feeling a strong desire to alleviate it. It goes beyond simple empathy. It is understanding the other person's pain and discomfort and taking action. It is love in motion.

Some people have been described as being very compassionate and some as having none. I like to think that I have compassion. Sometimes, I believe I have too much. I am an empath. I absorb energy from others. I often take on other's problems as my own and do whatever I can to solve them. Sometimes to my detriment. I find it very difficult to be in tense and angry situations because it upsets me because I take on those emotions and have no way to process them because they are not my own. Being an empath is not all bad. I like being in happy situations. I like being with people who are positive because I can share in their joy. 

I've been thinking about this all recently because of my sister's surgery. I feel her pain. Often to the point where I feel physical pain myself because I know what she is going through. I haven't had hip surgery, but I have had 5 back surgeries, 3 ankle surgeries and a very complicated knee surgery as a result of a severe car accident I had in 2012. Erica and I have been taking care of her during her convalescence. Sometimes I get angry with Erica because she sometimes acts as if this is a burdensome situation. It is sometimes trying, but I feel that it is also a privilege because she has a mother to take care of and should look at it as an opportunity to give something back to her mother. 

The situation often takes me back to the time of my accident where my mom took care of me. My mom was the most caring, kind and compassionate person I've ever known. She took such care of me, bathing me, feeding me etc. She was almost relentless in her care. I told my sister about her bathing me. I was confined to the lower part of the house because I couldn't get up the stairs. I was confined to a hospital bed for 3 weeks. My mom gave me sponge baths everyday. I couldn't really take care of myself because my injuries were severe enough that I was drugged most of the time. So, I slept a lot. I couldn't have gotten through it without my mom, even though I had a home health aide too. 

I suppose most people will think that is what a mom is supposed to do. I think that way too, but not everyone has a mom like the one I had. Not everyone has compassion. It's something that I believe all people are born with, but it has to be nurtured. It has to be developed. I suppose there are some people born without an once of compassion. I think they become serial killers. But, most people have something inside them that makes them want to help others. 

As we get older, compassion tends to grow. We live our lives in stages where as young people we are a little self centered. As we age, and have families of our own, the seed of compassion grows and blossoms. We look after our children and then our parents. At least we do if we are decent human beings. 

I don't know what I will do if I'm ever in a situation where I need care. I think I will just see if I can find a convalescent home or hire someone to come in my home. I don't have any kids, and I don't think I want Erica or Sean to take care of me. Not that I don't think they would, it's just it's a lot of work and I don't want to burden anyone. That's the one sucky thing about being single. There's no one to look after you as you get old. Maybe I'll have a compassionate friend or maybe I'll actually find a husband one day. Haha. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Negative Monster

 

So, it's been 4 days since my sister's hip replacement surgery. So far everything is going well. She's getting around better with her walker. She can get herself to the bathroom and doesn't need a whole bunch of help. However, I am bothered. It's my niece, Erica. I'm not too fond of her attitude about the whole thing. She is acting like this is a great inconvenience to her. 

Granted, the situation has got the household a bit chaotic, but that's what happens. She acts like taking care of her mother is a burden and I don't appreciate it. In fact, it's fucking pissing me off. She's not working right now, and she has little prospects, so what else has she got to do. It's not like she has to help her mom to the bathroom or bathe her. April is not senile or incontinent. She is a relatively healthy person. She has Parkinson's, but that's not a factor in this situation. 

Erica is tired, I understand that. Hell, I'm tired. April is tired and in pain. Does she think she is so special? All she wants to do is listen to her audiobooks and draw. Sorry buttercup, but you can't do that. This isn't about you it's about your mother. Stop acting like a spoiled brat. She acts like this when I'm sick too. When I was home for a week with a severe migraine, the only thing she could think of was how it was impacting her. Not am I okay, just the fact that she would have to take care of the house and the animals. 

Let's get this straight, for the past 8 weeks she stays up until the wee hours drawing on her little pad. She doesn't get up until 10 or 11 am. Who has been walking the dog in the morning? Me, that's who. I do it because he has to go to the bathroom and it's not fair to him to have to wait for her to get up. But, I go back to my regular hours next week, so I won't be able to do it anymore. I wouldn't mind so much but Kyber is actually her dog, and she is supposed to take care of him. She gets a pissy attitude when she has to walk him. Keep in mind, she is not working. I am. 

She is a negative person. She is always angry, or surly about something. She doesn't try to put a good spin on things. She simply wallows in her misery. I'm not seeing much effort on her part to improve her lot. She doesn't want to work for a corporation, but bitches about not having benefits and little pay per hour. Got news for you chicky, the mom and pops don't pay well. 

Sometimes, I just want to smack her across the face. They both get upset with me when I get depressed or am not happy. Yet, she gets away with a bad attitude. I'm quite sick of her. I love her, and she can on rare occasions be a great person to be around. But those moments are few and far between. She is a big negativity monster, and I hate it. 

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Hello, Shady Pines?

 

So this past week, I've been in a haze of migraines and medication. I took all my migraine meds, nothing worked. I had a headache for 4 days straight. I slept a lot because my meds make me sleepy. I woke up with a headache and went to bed with one. Needless to say, I couldn't work. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Noise and light was torture. I couldn't even listen to any music. I was a wreck. 

I don't think I am depressed about anything. I mean Father's Day is tomorrow, but it didn't bother me. I thought about my dad several times, but that was just because I saw his favorite movie was on, and I heard the song that always reminds me of him. Those are happy thoughts, though. Plus, he visited a few times this week. I saw a red cardinal was outside the window. Cardinals and butterflies men someone you lost is visiting you. Mom hasn't visited in a while though. But, I've been thinking about her a lot with all the health shit we've been going through. 

My brother was in the hospital for a week. He was diagnosed with early stage emphysema and COPD, flaring. He was home for a week on oxygen therapy and steroids. He's doing fine now. I'm sure he's bored out of his mind. 

April is having hip surgery on Monday. She'll be home a few weeks convalescing. It ought to be very interesting with them both here while I'm trying to work. I may have to go into the office just to get some peace and quiet. 

We went to tour the dreamhouse today that I entered to win. It's just inconvenient enough that makes it almost ours. The house is located about 40 minutes from us. We have to go on the highway to get any place, and I will need to change all my doctors. See, inconvenient. It's a nice house. There are some things we'd change. It's not my dreamhouse, but I'll take it. It has stairs, so that's not really great, but the laundry is upstairs. 

So, with all of our aches and pains and surgeries, why not win a brand new house. I'll be having shoulder surgery again, this time on my right shoulder. I also have bulging discs at C6 and C7, so I'll probably be having surgery on my neck this year too. We should probably be resting in a home somewhere like Shady Pines. April has to walk around someplace safe without cats and dogs laying around. I need to do physical therapy for my shoulder, again. This home physical therapy won't work because our apartment is just too small. 

Well, I guess that's all for now. Peace - B    

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Daily Journey through the Fog

 

So, this week was a bit of challenge at work. Actually, the past 2 weeks have been a challenge. We've been in class these 2 weeks. I've struggled with some simple concepts and basic math. This is a concern for me because it is something new. Well, that's not exactly true with math. I had a very hard time with word problems when I was a child. I struggled with them in math class. Eventually, I figured out how to make it make sense in my brain. I would figure out the formula and simply plug in the numbers. This worked out very well for me, and I got top grades in math through middle and high school. 

Lately though, my brain has done a hard stop on my thinking processes. We've been studying coordination of benefits regarding claims and we've had to do the calculations. I understand and can explain the concept just fine. But when it came to the calculations, my brain was like "what, wait, what?" I couldn't figure the problems out to save my life. I ended up with massive headaches and had nightmares that I was being chased by huge numbers. 

At the end of these 2 weeks, I'm still having trouble with the calculations. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been going through things in a fog. I can't seem to make my way through it. I have to make lists of what I need to do in the day. I have sticky notes all over my calendar and desk to remind me to do this, call that person, and what to ask April and Erica so I don't forget. 

I started an anti-inflammatory diet this week, so I've been eating a lot of protein, fruit and veggies. I cut out sugar and bread for the most part. The diet is going well, and I do feel better. My pain has subsided a bit. But it hasn't helped with my brain fog, however. I still forget why I walk into rooms, and get easily distracted by things. It's concerning. 

I have an appointment with my neurologist on the 1st of July. I don't really like him, so I want to see another one. I got a referral from April to her neurologist, but I have to jump through a few hoops to see him. I'm still having electric pulses in my arms and legs for no apparent reason. It's not positional or anything, it just happens. Also, I've had numbness in my forearms and hands. I cramp up a lot and my balance is a joke. I walk into walls and fall off my feet. Not shoes or anything, I can just be standing or walking and I fall off my feet. It's like I'm having trouble figuring out where to put them. 

Sleeping is a hit or miss situation. Sometimes, I sleep all night, and other times I'm up at 3 am. Mostly, I manage to get back to sleep, but a lot of times I just lay there for an hour or so. There are times I can't sleep in my bed at all and have to sleep sitting up on the couch. It's been almost a year now. I am hoping to get a complete neurological workup with the new doctor because my current doctor tends to dismiss my concerns. 

So, that's me. Living in a fog by no choice of my own. I hope I find out what's wrong soon. I know I'm not crazy. Something is definitely wrong with me. 

My brother went in the hospital yesterday. They are evaluating him for COPD. He had fluid in his chest, and his blood oxygen levels were below 90. So, now there's that to worry/think about. Getting old really sucks. It ain't for wimps that's for sure. I wish my mom was here. She could make sense out of everything. I've been thinking about her a lot this week. I need a cheerleader. We all do. 

Well, I guess that's all. I see my therapist tomorrow morning. I have to change the time. 8 am is not a respectable time to talk about life. It's a time for coffee. I still smoke too. Oh well, I'll work on that next month. My butt hurts. This sitting all day is for the young. 

Peace - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I Would, But I Don't Want to

 

So, I've been in training for 3 weeks now for the level 2 position, which is now just call Customer Advocate. I have 3 more weeks to go. I normally enjoy learning new things, but the class has turned out to be frustrating. We spend a lot of time going over things that we may never need to use in everyday work. At least that's how I felt yesterday. 

This week we learned a lot about overpayments, recoupment and finding fees. I know that means nothing to most of you, but it was a lot of material. I felt like my head was being crammed with information. I remember most of it, but I'm not retaining it as much as I like. I think I may need to get some memory supplements. I have notes and cheat sheets, but jeezaloo, it's just so much to remember. 

The class is so much pressure on me that I had to withdraw from the summer semester at school. I just didn't have the time to do the work. Training is from 10:30 am to 7:15 pm Monday through Friday. Let me tell you, but the time I clock out for the day, my brain has been cooked thoroughly. All I want to do after work is go to bed. 

Of course, with the pressure I've been feeling, my anxiety is going through the roof. I nearly had a panic attack yesterday, and last night I got a whole 4 hours of sleep. My legs and back are acting up again. I get this weird cramping and shockwaves in my legs. I guess I will discuss it with my doctor when I see him on the 10th of July. I've been looking up my symptoms, and I do have a lot of the markers for MS. Which would explain a lot of how I've been feeling the past several months. However, I am hesitant to talk to my neurologist about it, because he has a tendency to dismiss me as hysterical. 

Mentally, I'm stable. I mean, I am having anxiety and a little depression, but that's because I've been in pain for so long. I'm beginning to question my ability to do some things. I've fallen off my feet a few times, and I've walked into a couple of walks because of my balance. I'm wondering if I will be able to do my zoo volunteering like I planned. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I have my first shift on July 3rd. It's in the contact zoo, aka children's zoo. I'm not really looking forward to it as I am not that fond of children. But that's where everyone starts out. I really want to work in the vet clinic or do animal husbandry. I'm more of a behind the scenes type of person. 

The problem right now with everything is motivation. I made a lot of plans for myself this year, but I'm really having trouble getting jazzed about them. Even things like taking a shower or cleaning the kitchen it's like I would do it, but i don't want to right now. It's strange, but I've been feeling discouraged by my age lately. I am 60 years old, soon to be 61 in August. A lot of times I say to myself things like, I should take a long walk everyday, but then stop and think why? I don't want to. I'm too old for all this shit. I get easily frustrated and sometimes overwhelmed. Especially about my job. I mean I feel like I should be doing something else, maybe get a new job. But then I stop and think, 1 you're too old to start a new position, and 2 you're too old for a company to look at you twice. So, I guess I'm stuck at Delta Dental until the day I die. Since, I have no retirement savings, I'll probably die at my desk in the middle of a phone call. 

I put in an entry for the St. Jude's Dream House in the area. I like the house, but it's just okay. I'll probably win the thing just because I'm pretty indifferent. Oh well, there it is. Maybe I'll talk to my therapist about it tomorrow morning. I hope I can get some rest this weekend. The only thing I have planned is to mop the kitchen floor, laundry and washing my hair. I know, so exciting, right. That's my life now. Cleaning is my only exercise. Most things I'm like, what's the point? I hope I break out of this mood soon. Maybe I'm a bit depressed. I should try to get out this weekend, maybe go to the library. We'll see. 

Peace, Joy, Love -B

Happy Pride Month!!!!