Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Daily Journey through the Fog

 

So, this week was a bit of challenge at work. Actually, the past 2 weeks have been a challenge. We've been in class these 2 weeks. I've struggled with some simple concepts and basic math. This is a concern for me because it is something new. Well, that's not exactly true with math. I had a very hard time with word problems when I was a child. I struggled with them in math class. Eventually, I figured out how to make it make sense in my brain. I would figure out the formula and simply plug in the numbers. This worked out very well for me, and I got top grades in math through middle and high school. 

Lately though, my brain has done a hard stop on my thinking processes. We've been studying coordination of benefits regarding claims and we've had to do the calculations. I understand and can explain the concept just fine. But when it came to the calculations, my brain was like "what, wait, what?" I couldn't figure the problems out to save my life. I ended up with massive headaches and had nightmares that I was being chased by huge numbers. 

At the end of these 2 weeks, I'm still having trouble with the calculations. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been going through things in a fog. I can't seem to make my way through it. I have to make lists of what I need to do in the day. I have sticky notes all over my calendar and desk to remind me to do this, call that person, and what to ask April and Erica so I don't forget. 

I started an anti-inflammatory diet this week, so I've been eating a lot of protein, fruit and veggies. I cut out sugar and bread for the most part. The diet is going well, and I do feel better. My pain has subsided a bit. But it hasn't helped with my brain fog, however. I still forget why I walk into rooms, and get easily distracted by things. It's concerning. 

I have an appointment with my neurologist on the 1st of July. I don't really like him, so I want to see another one. I got a referral from April to her neurologist, but I have to jump through a few hoops to see him. I'm still having electric pulses in my arms and legs for no apparent reason. It's not positional or anything, it just happens. Also, I've had numbness in my forearms and hands. I cramp up a lot and my balance is a joke. I walk into walls and fall off my feet. Not shoes or anything, I can just be standing or walking and I fall off my feet. It's like I'm having trouble figuring out where to put them. 

Sleeping is a hit or miss situation. Sometimes, I sleep all night, and other times I'm up at 3 am. Mostly, I manage to get back to sleep, but a lot of times I just lay there for an hour or so. There are times I can't sleep in my bed at all and have to sleep sitting up on the couch. It's been almost a year now. I am hoping to get a complete neurological workup with the new doctor because my current doctor tends to dismiss my concerns. 

So, that's me. Living in a fog by no choice of my own. I hope I find out what's wrong soon. I know I'm not crazy. Something is definitely wrong with me. 

My brother went in the hospital yesterday. They are evaluating him for COPD. He had fluid in his chest, and his blood oxygen levels were below 90. So, now there's that to worry/think about. Getting old really sucks. It ain't for wimps that's for sure. I wish my mom was here. She could make sense out of everything. I've been thinking about her a lot this week. I need a cheerleader. We all do. 

Well, I guess that's all. I see my therapist tomorrow morning. I have to change the time. 8 am is not a respectable time to talk about life. It's a time for coffee. I still smoke too. Oh well, I'll work on that next month. My butt hurts. This sitting all day is for the young. 

Peace - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I Would, But I Don't Want to

 

So, I've been in training for 3 weeks now for the level 2 position, which is now just call Customer Advocate. I have 3 more weeks to go. I normally enjoy learning new things, but the class has turned out to be frustrating. We spend a lot of time going over things that we may never need to use in everyday work. At least that's how I felt yesterday. 

This week we learned a lot about overpayments, recoupment and finding fees. I know that means nothing to most of you, but it was a lot of material. I felt like my head was being crammed with information. I remember most of it, but I'm not retaining it as much as I like. I think I may need to get some memory supplements. I have notes and cheat sheets, but jeezaloo, it's just so much to remember. 

The class is so much pressure on me that I had to withdraw from the summer semester at school. I just didn't have the time to do the work. Training is from 10:30 am to 7:15 pm Monday through Friday. Let me tell you, but the time I clock out for the day, my brain has been cooked thoroughly. All I want to do after work is go to bed. 

Of course, with the pressure I've been feeling, my anxiety is going through the roof. I nearly had a panic attack yesterday, and last night I got a whole 4 hours of sleep. My legs and back are acting up again. I get this weird cramping and shockwaves in my legs. I guess I will discuss it with my doctor when I see him on the 10th of July. I've been looking up my symptoms, and I do have a lot of the markers for MS. Which would explain a lot of how I've been feeling the past several months. However, I am hesitant to talk to my neurologist about it, because he has a tendency to dismiss me as hysterical. 

Mentally, I'm stable. I mean, I am having anxiety and a little depression, but that's because I've been in pain for so long. I'm beginning to question my ability to do some things. I've fallen off my feet a few times, and I've walked into a couple of walks because of my balance. I'm wondering if I will be able to do my zoo volunteering like I planned. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I have my first shift on July 3rd. It's in the contact zoo, aka children's zoo. I'm not really looking forward to it as I am not that fond of children. But that's where everyone starts out. I really want to work in the vet clinic or do animal husbandry. I'm more of a behind the scenes type of person. 

The problem right now with everything is motivation. I made a lot of plans for myself this year, but I'm really having trouble getting jazzed about them. Even things like taking a shower or cleaning the kitchen it's like I would do it, but i don't want to right now. It's strange, but I've been feeling discouraged by my age lately. I am 60 years old, soon to be 61 in August. A lot of times I say to myself things like, I should take a long walk everyday, but then stop and think why? I don't want to. I'm too old for all this shit. I get easily frustrated and sometimes overwhelmed. Especially about my job. I mean I feel like I should be doing something else, maybe get a new job. But then I stop and think, 1 you're too old to start a new position, and 2 you're too old for a company to look at you twice. So, I guess I'm stuck at Delta Dental until the day I die. Since, I have no retirement savings, I'll probably die at my desk in the middle of a phone call. 

I put in an entry for the St. Jude's Dream House in the area. I like the house, but it's just okay. I'll probably win the thing just because I'm pretty indifferent. Oh well, there it is. Maybe I'll talk to my therapist about it tomorrow morning. I hope I can get some rest this weekend. The only thing I have planned is to mop the kitchen floor, laundry and washing my hair. I know, so exciting, right. That's my life now. Cleaning is my only exercise. Most things I'm like, what's the point? I hope I break out of this mood soon. Maybe I'm a bit depressed. I should try to get out this weekend, maybe go to the library. We'll see. 

Peace, Joy, Love -B

Happy Pride Month!!!!