Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Birthday Girl

 

On Monday, if I'm still here, I will have completed my 60 revolution around the sun and will begin my 61st year of life. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Usually my birthday is a good time for me. I'm happy and feel good about life. This year though, it's not the case. I'm very tired. 

I've been fighting a depressive episode for about a month now. I have no motivation to do anything. I don't eat much, I don't take care of myself like I used to do. I haven't been able to do any creative writing. My concentration is bad, and I've been mediocre in my job. I just don't seem to care about anything. 

I don't have any money and am behind in all my bills. But even that doesn't bother me right now. I just want to go away and sleep. I don't sleep very well because my body hurts all the time. I don't really watch television, it more or less watches me. It hurts to play with my cat, Zelda. She likes to sit with me and on me, but her 12 lbs. feels more like 100 lbs. on my skin. 

I have an appointment with a neurologist on the first of September. I'm hoping to get a full work up so someone can finally tell me what's wrong. I'm still getting acupuncture treatments and it does help a bit. I don't have that shooting pain in my left shoulder anymore. My right shoulder is still painful, but that's due to my torn rotator cuff. I'm getting surgery on that on October 9th. Hopefully, it goes well. 

 April went back to work yesterday. She's working from home. Erica is still unemployed. I feel like I just can't move sometimes. I have numbness in my hands sometimes, and my legs hurt and feel really heavy. It's crazy, but I am hoping that the doctor tells me I have some type of debilitating disease. At least I'd know what was wrong. 

I don't have any real goals this year. I would like to go to another concert or to play. Maybe I will see the Nutcracker this year. I'd also like to go out of town for a weekend. I guess I'll have to catch up on my bills first before I can plan anything like that. 

I got my promotion to level 2 in June, but I'm not getting paid for it. The company still has me in the system as a level 1. I've been talking to my supervisor about it for over a month. Still, nothing has changed. I'm a little pissed off about it, but then again, I'm having trouble really caring. I don't really care about the job anymore. I don't feel that urge to help people in this capacity. 

I applied for client coordinator job at VEG today. It's an emergency pet clinic. I'll see what happens. Maybe I'll get it. Who the hell knows anymore. I need money, and I need something stimulating to do. I'm bored, and tired. Maybe I'll feel better on my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. 

Peace-B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Lurking

 

The one thing about being bipolar is that there is always the threat of a breakdown lurking in the back of your mind. I mean I could be going along with my day and suddenly I have a thought about driving my car into a tree. It's nothing serious, just a random thought will flitter across my brain. Sometimes, I get a sudden shudder and feel sad for no apparent reason. I can't explain it. It just happens. 

The trick is in managing these random, intrusive thoughts. You can't let them take root. Otherwise, I would have found that tree a couple of weeks ago. I suppose you could say that I am a bit depressed. I'm tired all the time and my body still hurts. It's draining. It's exhausting, it's maddening. 

I reached my breaking point a couple of weeks ago and in desperation I found an acupuncturist. Fortunately, my health insurance pays for it. I went there twice now, and some of my pain has actually gone down a bit. I discovered a few things about my body. I am in a constant state of inflammation. There are not too many spots on my body that aren't tender to the touch. I had close to 100 needles inserted on my back alone.  

I volunteered at the zoo yesterday. It wasn't a lot of fun. I was in the contact yard, aka Children's Petting Zoo. I am not a person who likes being around children. They are loud and chaotic. I'm not mean by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just quiet. I spent most of the time sweeping up goat turds, which is part of the job. It's also part of the job to interact with the guest. It was an okay time. It just wasn't the fun I had pictured. So, I was disappointed. I have to sign up again for another shift next month. I'm supposed to volunteer at least 4 hours a month. The only good thing was that I got 4000 steps in. So, I ended up walking 2.5 miles yesterday. I came home and took a nap. I slept most of last night too, which is a good thing. I was actually in my bed instead of on the couch. 

I have a session with my therapist today at noon. I guess I'll talk about these suicidal thoughts I've been having. Lately, I've been thinking I'm worth more dead than alive. The rent will be late again this month. I'm late on my car payment and the electric bill. I'm sad about it, and I don't see a way out. I can't ask my brother for money, since he was on disability too. 

I'm kind of out of it. I don't feel like putting a positive spin on things right now. I know I should count my blessings and be grateful for the things I have, but I'm tired of being positive right now. I just want to go away somewhere and sleep for a while. I have to clean today, since no one else seems to know how to clean the bathroom or mop the floors. I'm feeling resentful towards April and Erica. They aren't making much effort to help around the house. I know April is limited in what she can do, but Erica isn't and all she does is draw and watch TV. I wish I had enough money to live on my own. I'm tired of living with them. 

In 2 weeks, I will turn 61. I don't know how I feel about it. I usually look forward to my birthday. But since I will be working this month for nothing, I'm not feeling very enthusiastic. I'm just so tired. 

B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: State of the Union

 

Ok, so things have become dire. Moneywise we are broke. I mean broke, no money, no mas dinero, nada. I just had to ask my brother for money, again, for food. Erica is still without a job, and April hasn't gotten her disability check because her employers are nincompoops. They sent in the wrong information to MetLife, her disability carrier. Last week she got a check for a whopping $23.90. We were like, what the flippity fuck!!?? So, now we are waiting for the second payment which is supposed to be a direct deposit, but it will probably be a paper check. 

We have nothing to eat. We have breakfast, but the rest of the day and the next few days, we have nothing. I pulled $480 out of my 401K, but it wasn't enough. We had to pay the internet bill, which I need for work and the phone bill, also needed for work. I have the enormous sum of $10.73 in my checking account. I'm out of cigarettes. I know I should skip the smokes, but quite frankly, it's one of the few things holding my emotional well-being together. I try to remain upbeat, and think positive, but I tell you if I couldn't smoke I don't think I could do it. Addiction sucks. 

Anyway, about Erica. Is she looking for a job. I don't think so. She's working on her business project. She has a shop on Etsy that sells Beyonce related products. She has some bags for sale currently, and is making her 1st keychain design. So, she's been assembling them. She's been developing this for about a year or so, and it's finally coming together. I don't want to discourage her or push her because she needs to focus. But damn girl, we need cash. 

April is coming along okay with her hip surgery recovery although she is starting to get on my nerves a bit. She can get up and do things for herself, but she just mostly sits in the chair and asks for stuff. I'm going to start saying no. Get up and get it. She still uses the walker. She supposed to go back to work next month, but we'll see. 

My brother is still on disability too, which makes me feel like shit to ask him for money help. He has emphysema. Right now the northeast is experience air quality issues because of fires in Canada. So, he can't go outside. Anyway, I always feel like shit when I have to ask him for stuff. But especially today since yesterday was his birthday. 

I wish I won just $50k. That would solve all my problems. They say money can't buy happiness, but I'll tell you this much, money would solve 99.99% of my problems and then I could concentrate on being happy. 

My job is okay. I had a very hard couple of days. My pain is getting to me, and I burst into tears the other day. I'm just so fucking frustrated. Anyway, I'm exploring eastern medicine and went for my first acupuncture treatment. I'm sore, but she said I would be. I'm going to do some research today into a couple of my medications and acupuncture. I need to get off some of these meds. I think they are making me sick. 

Speaking of my job and money. I was supposed to get a raise when I made level 2, but my last paycheck reflected my old pay grade. So, I sent a message to my supervisor. I haven't heard back yet. I will be looking into this further on Monday. 

So there you have it. The state of the union is not good. In fact we are teetering close to the edge. But then we always are. I'm so tired of being poor. Can't afford, food, gas, rent, medicine. Everything is a bunch of bullshit. Right now, at this second I hate my life. But the day will get better. It usually does. 

Peace out- B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Cute Shoes

 

I've noticed something lately. I can't wear cute shoes anymore. I can't wear heels, not even kitten heels. If I want to wear something with a heel, it has to be a wedge heel and no higher than an inch. I wonder when this happened, but I realize that it happened after my car accident in 2012 when my ankle got messed up. Eventually it had to be fused together, so now I can't even bend it. On bad days, I walk with a limp, which is just so sexy. I have to sort of drag my right leg behind me. 

Come to think of it, I don't even wear cute clothes anymore. When I turned 55, I started dressing for comfort. All my t-shirts are at least a size too big. I can't find pants that fit anymore. Everything is either too baggy or too tight. I wear a lot of yoga pants. I have 4 pairs of sneakers. I do have a pair of pink UGG boots, which are cute to me. Mostly this summer I've been wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I have a black pair of slides that I wear all the time. A lot of times I wear them with socks. Stylish I know, but that's how everybody wears them. I do have a pair of Boho sandals, but I haven't worn them a lot because my feet are ugly. I used to have pretty feet. My right foot has big scars on it from my multiple ankle surgeries. My left foot is still cute. But, I haven't had a pedicure in a long while, so my toes are kind of janky. 

I did give myself a mani-pedi today. It's not professional by any means, but at least my nails are painted. I painted my fingernails cobalt blue and my toes are hot pink. I think they look cute. I may try and look cute tomorrow. I put makeup on today, which I hardly ever do anymore. I usually makeup my eyes because I think they are my best feature, but with my lack of sleep for the last 6 months, my eyes are very dry and scratchy. I usually end up rubbing my makeup off. I don't wear lipstick anymore. I don't like the way it makes me look. As I've gotten older, it just looks cheap. I am trying to find a natural lipstick. I have one, but it's kind of old. 

I guess I need to try harder to look cute. people have told me that I am beautiful, but I think I'm more cute than beautiful. I must admit, I've let my hair go. I usually pin it up because I hate braiding it in order to wear it out and wavy. Maybe I'll try this week. I have to wash my hair tomorrow, so maybe I'll braid it until blow drying it straight. That way I'll have some nice waves. 

Unfortunately, I don't have anywhere to go when I look cute. I don't go clubbing, and I have no friends. I suppose I should call Angela from upstairs, but she doesn't have any teeth. She's nice though. Maybe if a movie comes out that I want to see, I'll ask her if she wants to go, although she rarely goes anywhere without her dog, Toby. 

I used to be so cute. I wonder why I stopped trying. Mostly I just want to be really comfortable. Unfortunately, you can't do both in this day and age. I miss my cute shoes though. I miss a lot of stuff. As Bette Davis said "Getting old ain't for sissies.!" 

 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Unquiet Mind and the Restless Heart

 

I'm feeling a lot of emotions today. I'm feeling a bit depressed, anxious and lonely. I've done my weekend chores already. I cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom, did my laundry and mopped the floor. That's not unusual. That's what I normally do on the weekends. Cleaning usually calms me down, but not today. Today, I want more. 

I went to the Publix for some groceries and to pick up April's prescriptions. It was very crowded. Which is not unusual the day before a holiday. However, there were a lot of families and couples shopping today. I guess they were getting ready for the family gatherings this weekend. It made me feel kind of sad. I want to have a family gathering. Not just with my usual family, but I want a family of my own. 

I have a churning in my gut, and I'm on the verge of tears. I haven't felt this in a long while. I'm feeling bad about myself because I don't have anyone. I've never had anyone. I used to think that it was because I was too fat and no one wanted to be with me. But that's not it. It's just me. I guess it's something about my personality or the way I come across to the opposite sex. I can't figure it out. I think that I'm friendly and approachable, but no one talks to me. I go out a lot more than I ever did before. I make myself look attractive, but still nothing happens. I exchange pleasantries and smile. I just don't get it. 

I'm not so fat. I have cute clothes. I do need to do something with my hair. I have a lot of grays and I always wear it pinned up. I suppose I should try to wear make up more often. I think I need to embrace myself and just tell the world fuck you I'm beautiful. It's all about attitude I guess. 

I haven't felt like having a man in my life for about a year. I tried to convince myself that I didn't want want. I don't need a man, I think it would just be nice to have someone who thinks I'm special. I guess I've been watching too many rom-coms. I just finished watching a series called Survival of the Thickest. It stars Michelle Buteau. She's a big girl who is simply fabulous. She has great friends and a great sense of herself. She knows she's incredible and let's everyone know it. I wish I were more like her. She created the perfect man in the series. He's Italian. I've always wanted to go to Italy. Maybe I'll meet someone overseas. 

By the way, my Aunt Delores invited me to go with her to Italy and Greece next year. I just have to save up for it and get my passport. I claim it now and put it out there in the universe. I AM going to Italy and Greece next year. Even if I have to go alone. 

Hopefully by then, I'll have had all my medical issues taken care of. I found out that I have a torn rotator cuff in my right shoulder. Last year was the left side. I'm having surgery in September. I have to pay off a few bills before then. I can do it if I put my nose to the grindstone. No missing work unless absolutely necessary. For instance, I have to go to the doctor on the 14th to see about the bulging discs in my neck, so I have to go in late since I don't have any PTO. After that, it's all work work work. 

Funny thing, I'm getting all these notices about claims examiner jobs now that I got my level 2. Where were all these jobs 6 months ago. I don't know what to do really. I could check them out, but I feel guilty just looking at the posts let alone applying for them. But then again, I can't hold back my life for Delta Dental. I have to do what's best for me. Anyway, I have to get my shoulder done before I get a new job, maybe my neck too. I have bills to pay off too. 

I've been speaking to the universe about the house I'm going to win. I am talking about it and thinking about it as if I live there. That's supposed to be the law of attraction. Speak it into existence. 

I guess I'll speak my husband into existence too. I don't want just anyone. I want Tracy. He's supposed to get married in November, but I've been speaking against it. He's supposed to be with me. That much I know for sure. It will happen. 

Of course, I may just be living in a life in my mind. All I know is that I'm tired of being alone. It's my time, my season. If I don't go after what I want, I won't get it. So, I'm going after it. 

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Lessons in Compassion

 

Compassion is the emotional response of recognizing suffering and feeling a strong desire to alleviate it. It goes beyond simple empathy. It is understanding the other person's pain and discomfort and taking action. It is love in motion.

Some people have been described as being very compassionate and some as having none. I like to think that I have compassion. Sometimes, I believe I have too much. I am an empath. I absorb energy from others. I often take on other's problems as my own and do whatever I can to solve them. Sometimes to my detriment. I find it very difficult to be in tense and angry situations because it upsets me because I take on those emotions and have no way to process them because they are not my own. Being an empath is not all bad. I like being in happy situations. I like being with people who are positive because I can share in their joy. 

I've been thinking about this all recently because of my sister's surgery. I feel her pain. Often to the point where I feel physical pain myself because I know what she is going through. I haven't had hip surgery, but I have had 5 back surgeries, 3 ankle surgeries and a very complicated knee surgery as a result of a severe car accident I had in 2012. Erica and I have been taking care of her during her convalescence. Sometimes I get angry with Erica because she sometimes acts as if this is a burdensome situation. It is sometimes trying, but I feel that it is also a privilege because she has a mother to take care of and should look at it as an opportunity to give something back to her mother. 

The situation often takes me back to the time of my accident where my mom took care of me. My mom was the most caring, kind and compassionate person I've ever known. She took such care of me, bathing me, feeding me etc. She was almost relentless in her care. I told my sister about her bathing me. I was confined to the lower part of the house because I couldn't get up the stairs. I was confined to a hospital bed for 3 weeks. My mom gave me sponge baths everyday. I couldn't really take care of myself because my injuries were severe enough that I was drugged most of the time. So, I slept a lot. I couldn't have gotten through it without my mom, even though I had a home health aide too. 

I suppose most people will think that is what a mom is supposed to do. I think that way too, but not everyone has a mom like the one I had. Not everyone has compassion. It's something that I believe all people are born with, but it has to be nurtured. It has to be developed. I suppose there are some people born without an once of compassion. I think they become serial killers. But, most people have something inside them that makes them want to help others. 

As we get older, compassion tends to grow. We live our lives in stages where as young people we are a little self centered. As we age, and have families of our own, the seed of compassion grows and blossoms. We look after our children and then our parents. At least we do if we are decent human beings. 

I don't know what I will do if I'm ever in a situation where I need care. I think I will just see if I can find a convalescent home or hire someone to come in my home. I don't have any kids, and I don't think I want Erica or Sean to take care of me. Not that I don't think they would, it's just it's a lot of work and I don't want to burden anyone. That's the one sucky thing about being single. There's no one to look after you as you get old. Maybe I'll have a compassionate friend or maybe I'll actually find a husband one day. Haha. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Negative Monster

 

So, it's been 4 days since my sister's hip replacement surgery. So far everything is going well. She's getting around better with her walker. She can get herself to the bathroom and doesn't need a whole bunch of help. However, I am bothered. It's my niece, Erica. I'm not too fond of her attitude about the whole thing. She is acting like this is a great inconvenience to her. 

Granted, the situation has got the household a bit chaotic, but that's what happens. She acts like taking care of her mother is a burden and I don't appreciate it. In fact, it's fucking pissing me off. She's not working right now, and she has little prospects, so what else has she got to do. It's not like she has to help her mom to the bathroom or bathe her. April is not senile or incontinent. She is a relatively healthy person. She has Parkinson's, but that's not a factor in this situation. 

Erica is tired, I understand that. Hell, I'm tired. April is tired and in pain. Does she think she is so special? All she wants to do is listen to her audiobooks and draw. Sorry buttercup, but you can't do that. This isn't about you it's about your mother. Stop acting like a spoiled brat. She acts like this when I'm sick too. When I was home for a week with a severe migraine, the only thing she could think of was how it was impacting her. Not am I okay, just the fact that she would have to take care of the house and the animals. 

Let's get this straight, for the past 8 weeks she stays up until the wee hours drawing on her little pad. She doesn't get up until 10 or 11 am. Who has been walking the dog in the morning? Me, that's who. I do it because he has to go to the bathroom and it's not fair to him to have to wait for her to get up. But, I go back to my regular hours next week, so I won't be able to do it anymore. I wouldn't mind so much but Kyber is actually her dog, and she is supposed to take care of him. She gets a pissy attitude when she has to walk him. Keep in mind, she is not working. I am. 

She is a negative person. She is always angry, or surly about something. She doesn't try to put a good spin on things. She simply wallows in her misery. I'm not seeing much effort on her part to improve her lot. She doesn't want to work for a corporation, but bitches about not having benefits and little pay per hour. Got news for you chicky, the mom and pops don't pay well. 

Sometimes, I just want to smack her across the face. They both get upset with me when I get depressed or am not happy. Yet, she gets away with a bad attitude. I'm quite sick of her. I love her, and she can on rare occasions be a great person to be around. But those moments are few and far between. She is a big negativity monster, and I hate it. 

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Hello, Shady Pines?

 

So this past week, I've been in a haze of migraines and medication. I took all my migraine meds, nothing worked. I had a headache for 4 days straight. I slept a lot because my meds make me sleepy. I woke up with a headache and went to bed with one. Needless to say, I couldn't work. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Noise and light was torture. I couldn't even listen to any music. I was a wreck. 

I don't think I am depressed about anything. I mean Father's Day is tomorrow, but it didn't bother me. I thought about my dad several times, but that was just because I saw his favorite movie was on, and I heard the song that always reminds me of him. Those are happy thoughts, though. Plus, he visited a few times this week. I saw a red cardinal was outside the window. Cardinals and butterflies men someone you lost is visiting you. Mom hasn't visited in a while though. But, I've been thinking about her a lot with all the health shit we've been going through. 

My brother was in the hospital for a week. He was diagnosed with early stage emphysema and COPD, flaring. He was home for a week on oxygen therapy and steroids. He's doing fine now. I'm sure he's bored out of his mind. 

April is having hip surgery on Monday. She'll be home a few weeks convalescing. It ought to be very interesting with them both here while I'm trying to work. I may have to go into the office just to get some peace and quiet. 

We went to tour the dreamhouse today that I entered to win. It's just inconvenient enough that makes it almost ours. The house is located about 40 minutes from us. We have to go on the highway to get any place, and I will need to change all my doctors. See, inconvenient. It's a nice house. There are some things we'd change. It's not my dreamhouse, but I'll take it. It has stairs, so that's not really great, but the laundry is upstairs. 

So, with all of our aches and pains and surgeries, why not win a brand new house. I'll be having shoulder surgery again, this time on my right shoulder. I also have bulging discs at C6 and C7, so I'll probably be having surgery on my neck this year too. We should probably be resting in a home somewhere like Shady Pines. April has to walk around someplace safe without cats and dogs laying around. I need to do physical therapy for my shoulder, again. This home physical therapy won't work because our apartment is just too small. 

Well, I guess that's all for now. Peace - B    

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Daily Journey through the Fog

 

So, this week was a bit of challenge at work. Actually, the past 2 weeks have been a challenge. We've been in class these 2 weeks. I've struggled with some simple concepts and basic math. This is a concern for me because it is something new. Well, that's not exactly true with math. I had a very hard time with word problems when I was a child. I struggled with them in math class. Eventually, I figured out how to make it make sense in my brain. I would figure out the formula and simply plug in the numbers. This worked out very well for me, and I got top grades in math through middle and high school. 

Lately though, my brain has done a hard stop on my thinking processes. We've been studying coordination of benefits regarding claims and we've had to do the calculations. I understand and can explain the concept just fine. But when it came to the calculations, my brain was like "what, wait, what?" I couldn't figure the problems out to save my life. I ended up with massive headaches and had nightmares that I was being chased by huge numbers. 

At the end of these 2 weeks, I'm still having trouble with the calculations. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been going through things in a fog. I can't seem to make my way through it. I have to make lists of what I need to do in the day. I have sticky notes all over my calendar and desk to remind me to do this, call that person, and what to ask April and Erica so I don't forget. 

I started an anti-inflammatory diet this week, so I've been eating a lot of protein, fruit and veggies. I cut out sugar and bread for the most part. The diet is going well, and I do feel better. My pain has subsided a bit. But it hasn't helped with my brain fog, however. I still forget why I walk into rooms, and get easily distracted by things. It's concerning. 

I have an appointment with my neurologist on the 1st of July. I don't really like him, so I want to see another one. I got a referral from April to her neurologist, but I have to jump through a few hoops to see him. I'm still having electric pulses in my arms and legs for no apparent reason. It's not positional or anything, it just happens. Also, I've had numbness in my forearms and hands. I cramp up a lot and my balance is a joke. I walk into walls and fall off my feet. Not shoes or anything, I can just be standing or walking and I fall off my feet. It's like I'm having trouble figuring out where to put them. 

Sleeping is a hit or miss situation. Sometimes, I sleep all night, and other times I'm up at 3 am. Mostly, I manage to get back to sleep, but a lot of times I just lay there for an hour or so. There are times I can't sleep in my bed at all and have to sleep sitting up on the couch. It's been almost a year now. I am hoping to get a complete neurological workup with the new doctor because my current doctor tends to dismiss my concerns. 

So, that's me. Living in a fog by no choice of my own. I hope I find out what's wrong soon. I know I'm not crazy. Something is definitely wrong with me. 

My brother went in the hospital yesterday. They are evaluating him for COPD. He had fluid in his chest, and his blood oxygen levels were below 90. So, now there's that to worry/think about. Getting old really sucks. It ain't for wimps that's for sure. I wish my mom was here. She could make sense out of everything. I've been thinking about her a lot this week. I need a cheerleader. We all do. 

Well, I guess that's all. I see my therapist tomorrow morning. I have to change the time. 8 am is not a respectable time to talk about life. It's a time for coffee. I still smoke too. Oh well, I'll work on that next month. My butt hurts. This sitting all day is for the young. 

Peace - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I Would, But I Don't Want to

 

So, I've been in training for 3 weeks now for the level 2 position, which is now just call Customer Advocate. I have 3 more weeks to go. I normally enjoy learning new things, but the class has turned out to be frustrating. We spend a lot of time going over things that we may never need to use in everyday work. At least that's how I felt yesterday. 

This week we learned a lot about overpayments, recoupment and finding fees. I know that means nothing to most of you, but it was a lot of material. I felt like my head was being crammed with information. I remember most of it, but I'm not retaining it as much as I like. I think I may need to get some memory supplements. I have notes and cheat sheets, but jeezaloo, it's just so much to remember. 

The class is so much pressure on me that I had to withdraw from the summer semester at school. I just didn't have the time to do the work. Training is from 10:30 am to 7:15 pm Monday through Friday. Let me tell you, but the time I clock out for the day, my brain has been cooked thoroughly. All I want to do after work is go to bed. 

Of course, with the pressure I've been feeling, my anxiety is going through the roof. I nearly had a panic attack yesterday, and last night I got a whole 4 hours of sleep. My legs and back are acting up again. I get this weird cramping and shockwaves in my legs. I guess I will discuss it with my doctor when I see him on the 10th of July. I've been looking up my symptoms, and I do have a lot of the markers for MS. Which would explain a lot of how I've been feeling the past several months. However, I am hesitant to talk to my neurologist about it, because he has a tendency to dismiss me as hysterical. 

Mentally, I'm stable. I mean, I am having anxiety and a little depression, but that's because I've been in pain for so long. I'm beginning to question my ability to do some things. I've fallen off my feet a few times, and I've walked into a couple of walks because of my balance. I'm wondering if I will be able to do my zoo volunteering like I planned. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I have my first shift on July 3rd. It's in the contact zoo, aka children's zoo. I'm not really looking forward to it as I am not that fond of children. But that's where everyone starts out. I really want to work in the vet clinic or do animal husbandry. I'm more of a behind the scenes type of person. 

The problem right now with everything is motivation. I made a lot of plans for myself this year, but I'm really having trouble getting jazzed about them. Even things like taking a shower or cleaning the kitchen it's like I would do it, but i don't want to right now. It's strange, but I've been feeling discouraged by my age lately. I am 60 years old, soon to be 61 in August. A lot of times I say to myself things like, I should take a long walk everyday, but then stop and think why? I don't want to. I'm too old for all this shit. I get easily frustrated and sometimes overwhelmed. Especially about my job. I mean I feel like I should be doing something else, maybe get a new job. But then I stop and think, 1 you're too old to start a new position, and 2 you're too old for a company to look at you twice. So, I guess I'm stuck at Delta Dental until the day I die. Since, I have no retirement savings, I'll probably die at my desk in the middle of a phone call. 

I put in an entry for the St. Jude's Dream House in the area. I like the house, but it's just okay. I'll probably win the thing just because I'm pretty indifferent. Oh well, there it is. Maybe I'll talk to my therapist about it tomorrow morning. I hope I can get some rest this weekend. The only thing I have planned is to mop the kitchen floor, laundry and washing my hair. I know, so exciting, right. That's my life now. Cleaning is my only exercise. Most things I'm like, what's the point? I hope I break out of this mood soon. Maybe I'm a bit depressed. I should try to get out this weekend, maybe go to the library. We'll see. 

Peace, Joy, Love -B

Happy Pride Month!!!!

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Making Plans

 

So, it's Memorial Day. It is the day that we, as Americans, take the time to honor our war dead. It has become more than that though. It has become a day that we honor all of our dead. People visit the graves of loved ones and place flowers and/or flags. It's a day of remembrance. It's kind of a somber day. 

I've been thinking a lot about final arrangements lately, especially since the funeral of my Uncle Pree. I went to Pennsylvania for a week for the services. It was a very nice service. There was a viewing and church service. The burial was the next day because he was cremated. His ashes are buried at Whitemarsh Memorial Park. That's also where my grandparents on my mom's side are buried. Another uncle and aunt are there. I've been thinking about it because I still have my mom and dad's ashes. 

My mom wants her ashes to be scattered over her parent's graves, but that's not allowable. So, I decided the best thing to do was lay her to rest in the same cemetery as her family. I looked into it and the cost is outrageous. It would be like 17k to bury her ashes, so I decided to get a niche in the granite wall in the crematory garden. I decided to get 2 niches, one for me and mom and one for my dad and either my brother or sister. April isn't making any plans at this point. But my brother is thinking very seriously about it. He was very upset at my uncle's funeral. I sent him a text message about Whitemarsh and he sent a very long text message. 

At any rate, he wants to be cremated and his ashes scattered in the woods near the house where we grew up in Ambler. He also feels that mom and dad should remain together since 1) mom never stopped loving dad and was Mrs. Briggs until the day she died and 2) Dad never said he wanted to be in Michigan with Gail, and also they sent his ashes to me. So, I would really like to have dad's ashes scattered at the old Willow Grove Naval Air station but I don't know how to go about it. I suppose I will mention it to my brother and he could look into it. 

My uncle Dave wants to have a service for mom, but I'm like, no. I want a quiet family graveside service for her and we can go to lunch or dinner afterwards. Most of my mom's close friends have already passed away. So, I want to just have a nice little service to place her in the niche and I will join her when my time comes. 

It will cost a few thousand to open up the niche and get the plaque, etc. I will text him on Wednesday, my brother I mean, in response to his lengthy message. So, that's what's been happening. Making plans for the future. 

I got my level 2 raise and promotion by the way. I started training on 5/18. I will be in class until 6/29. I don't mind being off the phones. We do get on the phones for part of the time, but it's okay. The provider calls are easy because that's what I've been doing. The member calls are always a crap shoot because you never know what to expect. But, I will deal with it. 

I'm also in school this summer. I'm not doing very well in my sociology class. I just want to pass. I've given up on being an A student. It's not a healthy way to think, not anymore anyway. My brain doesn't function as fast anymore now that I'm 60. Maybe if I was 40, I'd try a lot harder. But, even when I do graduate, I won't be getting another job. I plan on retiring at Delta. I'm too old to start a new job now. I just don't care anymore. All I want is the money. 

That's all for now. My left knee is killing me. I'm going to tape it up in a few minutes. Take it easy and ask yourself, what are your life plans? 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Keep My Love Alive

 

Well, I'm back home. I came home yesterday after a week of traveling. I drove from here to Georgia to South Carolina last Monday to my Uncle Dave's house. From there we went to North Carolina to pick up my cousin Shavonne and from there we drove up to Pennsylvania for my Uncle Pree's funeral. 

It was a good trip even though spending all those hours in the car did nothing for my back. But, I didn't really pay to much attention. I was just glad to see my family. Sure, the circumstances of the gathering were sad, but it was really great to see everyone. 

My uncle was laid out in royal blue, down to his shoes. I didn't kiss him goodbye, but I did touch him. It was as I expected, stiff and cold. I did a reading for his service. I think it went pretty well. It was a catholic service, so I got to take communion. The service was very lovely and dignified. We even laughed a few times. 

We all stayed together at an AirBnB that my cousin Zachery found. It was a grand old house that reminded me of my grandmom's house. So, it felt like home. Shavonne and I shared a room, which was fun. We both snore, so I think we rattled some walls. We all had breakfast and dinner together. We were there until Thursday, and everyone hit the road going in their separate directions. The only person that flew in was Spencer as he came from Colorado. 

I got to see my brother. He looked okay. He doesn't seem too happy. I think he is lonely. I don't imagine that he has many friends. He's a registered offender, so he can't just pick up and leave the state whenever he wants. He said he may retire at 67, he's 62 now. I ask him to consider moving closer to us when he does retire. I would like to have him closer, just so he's not so alone. 

I was going to try and see my other aunt and uncle in Willow Grove, but there just wasn't enough time. Erica has a wedding in September, so maybe I'll go with her on her road trip and see my Aunt Gloria and Uncle George. 

So, here I am, back home doing the same shit. I missed a level 2 class while I was gone, so I'm still a level 1. Who knows when the next level 2 class will be. God, I hope I have another job by then. This job is a pain in the ass. 

I did my orientation at the zoo today. I have to take some classes online before I become active. School starts tomorrow. I didn't get my book yet, I ordered it before I left. Hopefully it will be here before the end of the week. I think we are reading the  Odyssey. I'm going to be up late at night doing schoolwork. But, I will work it out. I'm still taking my Spanish classes. I'm doing things that on paper sound great and positive, but I have to make a concerted effort to maintain my positivity.  

I'm trying to keep my love of life alive. I need to constantly remind myself that I'm good, and I feel okay. But there are times when I just think I'd like to lay down and sleep uninterrupted for several hours. Oh well, Back to the old grindstone. There's a shift bid tomorrow. I think I'll try to keep the same shift. I like having Friday's off. 

That's all for now. I'm actually doing pretty well hence my posts aren't quite so riveting. Who knows, maybe next week I'll have a nervous breakdown. 

Peace - B