Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Sitting in a Dirty Diaper

 

I had a good session this morning with my therapist. At the end of my sessions, she normally leaves me with a thought for the day to think about and change my behavior. Today's thought was that I sometimes sit in a dirty pamper or diaper. I thought to myself, "how disgusting, yet true." 

I do sometimes choose to sit and wallow in my own psychological filth. I let the guilt, shame and disgust about the choices I've made in my life overwhelm me to the point that I get stuck and cannot move. My grief about the loss of my mom still creeps up on me and slaps me dead in the mouth. I become paralyzed with fear, thinking that I cannot possible go on without her. 

I've learned a lot about myself and the tools that I have at my disposal over my many years in therapy. But sometimes, I just forget everything and stew in my emotions. I don't want to. I have dreams like everyone else. I have goals. However, I tend to put them on the back burner because in my mind I'm still 30 years old and think I have time. In fact, I'm 61 and rapidly running out of time. 

I have often said that I never thought I would live past 45, so sometimes I get confused and overwhelmed by the fact that I am still alive and expected to participate in society. I really am perplexed regarding my life. I often want to run away and become someone else because the life I have now is not what I planned. I was going to be a doctor once. I was going to be a veterinary nurse. I was going to be a psychologist. I was going to be a wife and mother. None of that worked out in my favor. 

The fact that I still don't have a bachelor's degree grates on me. I am still in pursuit of it. I plan on going back for the spring semester having pulled out of the last 2. But this time, I will be different. I will pull myself out of the muck and mire, and follow my dream. I still have a job, so I guess I will do it. I've applied for other things, but so far nothing has come of it. I will continue to work on my book. I only have a few more chapters to go. Once I finish it, I will try to self publish. I don't know what will come of it, but it will be a goal accomplished. 

So, today, I am changing my diaper. Still a disgusting thought but the metaphor fits. I have got to move on from my mom's death. She's not physically here anymore, but the things she taught me are still in my heart and mind. I will try to remember that she is still cheering me on and guiding my steps. Sure, she was flawed. Aren't we all? I'll be honest, sometimes I still get mad at her for being sick. But, it wasn't her fault. She did love me. She loved me a lot. She was my ride or die. Now that I'm on my own, I will try to make her proud. It's time to grow up finally and put on some big girl panties. 

Peace, Joy, Love- B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Road to Normal

 

Things are looking up. At least it feels that way. It's true we are still broke, but we came up with a remedy to our rent troubles. We are splitting the payments with a Flex program. I just found out about it today. We'll see how it works out. I won't be back to work until November. I'm having surgery on my right shoulder on Oct. 9th. I have a torn rotator cuff. I did something intentional today. I submitted my disability claim for it. 

I was supposed to go back to work from my depression on Oct. 19th, but I'll still be recovering from surgery. I don't want to go back to work for Delta. I am actively looking for a new job. I've sent out 4 resumes this week. I don't know how that's going to work, but something will break, I can feel it. 

I guess you could say I'm feeling better. I've been waking up early everyday. I feed the animals and walk Kyber. Then, I have my breakfast. I'm still having trouble taking a shower. I just don't feel like it. I don't smell or anything. I take a shower twice a week. I wash my face and brush my teeth. I just hate getting into the shower. I don't go anywhere, so I don't think about to often. 

I had my pre-op visit today. I'll be out of commission for about 3-4 weeks. It's arthroscopic surgery, so they don't have to cut me open to fix my shoulder. The pain is constant and it's pretty severe. I don't take anything for it but Tylenol. I'll get something stronger on the day of surgery. 

Anyway, I guess I'm getting back to normal. I haven't thought about dying lately. Of course, I feel a lot better now that the weather has changed. It rained the other day and the temperature dropped 20 degrees. So, fall has arrived. I hope it stays cool. It should, I mean it is the end of September. 

Once I get back to work, I'm going to start saving. I have to catch up of course. So, this Christmas won't be much. I wish we could move. I want a Christmas tree. Of course the animals would probably take it down. Kyber would be scared of it, and Zelda would probably climb in it. Oh well, I guess I can't have a tree. 

I'm trying to figure out what to do for a hobby. I mean, I have my writing, but I haven't written anything in 2 months. I need to try to write something this weekend. I've been thinking of the sex scene I wrote. I think I'm going to take it out and keep things PG. It's kind of explicit. It kind of goes against the overall tone of the story. I think I'll work on it tomorrow. 

I need to write a couple of letters this weekend too. I just sent one out this week to my friend in Italy. I need to write to MJ in Ohio and Julie in Australia. I have plenty of stamps. I bought some before the price went up. 

I think we are food shopping tomorrow. I don't know for sure. I gave April my money so she could pay the bills. The car payment will be late again. I hope it doesn't get repossessed, but if it does, oh well. We'll work something out. I guess that's all for now. I finally feel like a whole person again. I feel connected. For now anyway. 

Peace - B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: No Rest for the Weary

 

It's 4 am and I'm wide awake. This is the second night in a row. My gut is churning and I am a nervous wreck. I have no idea what's going on with me. Yesterday was a bad day. I did nothing. I have to take a shower today. I have a doctor's appointment today for my annual check-up. I don't want to go, but I need refills for my meds. 

I listen to music when I can't sleep. Sometimes, it helps to calm me down. Sometimes, it doesn't like tonight. If I lived alone, I could clean or something. I wish I had some money, I'd gas up my car and go for a drive. I wish I could run away. I'd go to some small town somewhere and start over. But I guess that only works in the movies. 

I need to get out of my head. It's getting crowded in there. I retreat to my fantasies when things get hard. I always dream that I'm married or in a serious relationship with men that I knew in my past. I regret some decisions I've made regarding them. I should have paid more attention. I realize now that a couple of them actually liked me and wanted to go out with me, but I was too stupid and their attentions went right over my head. 

I could be married now. There was a guy in love with me when I was 18. However, I was so focused on going to college and being with friends that I let him pass me by. I only realized later that I loved him. He went on in his life and had a family with someone else. I recently learned he is getting married again. If this was a soap opera, I'd stop the wedding. we've kept in touch, and I know he still loves me. I think now I'm just way too complicated for him. He knows all about my troubles, and I guess he doesn't want to deal with it. I guess I'll never know for sure. 

I'm running out of time. I will be one of those people who lived a life unfulfilled. Ever since I was little, I've always thought of my life as a dream I am having as a baby. I keep waiting to wake up and live my life knowing what I know now. It suddenly hit me that this is my life and it's not a dream. It's up to me to start living, and I don't know if I can. 

Peace - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Where Do I Go from Here?

 

Well, I am starting to feel a little better. I'm still somewhat disconnected from the world, but I feel like I am finally starting to wake up from a stupor. I have a daily schedule that I follow. It tells me what to do and when to do it. It seems kind of silly I know, but if I don't follow it, I get stuck. I'm still having difficulties doing my activities of daily living. 

To people who have no idea what mental illness is about, the idea of activities of daily living sounds a little foolish. However, the mind would rather do nothing than be active. For me, activities of daily living are the first thing that goes by the wayside when I am experiencing a bipolar episode. My depression tells me that I am not worthy of being clean, or living in a nice space, or eating good food. I feel like garbage and I treat myself like garbage. 

I have to convince myself every moment of every day that I am worthy. I am worthy of combing my hair and putting on clean clothes. If I didn't, I would become a blob sitting in bed contemplating my death. I still think of dying everyday, but not by suicide. Ok, I do think of suicide from time to time, but it's not serious. However, I don't think I'll be around in 10 years. I passively let myself get sick this time. I wasn't taking care of myself as far as my diabetes is concerned, and my blood sugar soared to 450. After a scolding from my doctor, I went back on the sensor and my insulin pump, so now things are back under control. I didn't do any damage to my vital organs. My liver and kidney functions remain normal. 

I'm now trying to decide what I want the rest of my life to be. Where do I go from here? It's a cinch that I can't go back to Delta Dental as a customer advocate. When ever I think of doing that job, I get a blinding headache and palpitations. If I could go back in another capacity I would. Hell, I'd even work in the mailroom. I guess I'll have to ask about it, if I ever get my nerve up again. 

My therapist says I should look for another job, and I have been. But nothing seems to fit. I could get a job in a front office somewhere. She thinks I would be good as a senior companion. I don't know how much something like that pays, but I need at least 3500 a month to make ends meet. 

Plus, there's school. I would like to go back and finish my English degree. I had to skip the last 2 semesters. I'd like to go back in the spring. But there's the whole issue with my concentration and having the time to study. With my Monday-Thursday schedule, I couldn't study very well. But, I don't think I could work 5 days a week. I would like to go to school full-time, but that's not feasible. 

I've been having dreams that I hit the lottery for some obnoxious amount of money, and everything would be taken care of financially. However, in the dream, I'm still not happy. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I don't go on a spending spree, in fact, I make modest purchases, invest and give to charity. But, I'm still unfulfilled. I guess I'm having an existential crisis. 

Maybe I am supposed to give my life over to God. Let Him point me in the direction I should go. I'm too chicken to do it though. I'm such a coward about things. too afraid to try and unsure of myself. Let's face it, in the grand scheme of things, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. 

Peace - B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Guilt, Shame and Despair

 

It's official, I have hit bottom, well almost I think. But I am broke as fuck. I just had to borrow 2k from my aunt to pay this months rent. I used to go to my brother when I needed help. I guess I owe him about 25k. 

Unfortunately, my brother now has emphysema and COPD is on disability also. So, in the matter of 3 months all 3 of us have been out of work. I'm supposed to get shoulder surgery in October, but I don't think I'll be able to have it done. I'm supposed to go back to work on 10/17. The surgery is supposed to be on 10/9. That's not enough recovery time. 

I am filled to the brim with guilt and shame. My gut is churning from it. I am worth more dead than alive. However, suicide is not an option. I can only hope that I get into a car accident and die instantly. That way my family will get money from my life insurance and the car insurance. 

Why is my life so hard? Why am I always struggling? I have prayed for relief. I have prayed for healing. But things still remain the same. I keep having dreams that I have given my life for service to God. Is that a calling? What am I supposed to do? Should I, at 61 years old, become a nun? I don't think I'm religious enough for that. 

I haven't been to church in about a month. I'm too ashamed. I feel like a failure in every aspect of my life. My job has become the enemy. My health is failing, and I have no control over my finances. 

On a positive note, I am in contact with my pen pal MJ. She made some biscotti for me. It should be here on Tuesday. I can't wait. I finally have something to look forward to, even if it is just a package of cookies. 

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Cobwebs on My Eyes

 

Well, things are pretty much the same. My brain has decided to take an extended vacation. I have no motivation to do anything. For example, I am trying to make a schedule for my day in order to find some purpose in every day. It's exhausting trying to think of things to do. I got stuck after making time for breakfast. I suppose I better put down time to bathe. That's the only way it's going to get done. 

I wanted to shower today, but I was running late for a doctor appointment, so I had to go as I was. I was semi-clean. I took a shower yesterday. I washed my hair last weekend. I'm having a lot of trouble with my teeth however. I just can't seem to remember to do it. I usually run some toothpaste over them at night. 

After I shower, I still have nothing on the schedule to do. Usually, I take a nap. The point of making a schedule is to have a list of things to do. I suppose I could look for another job. I could find some volunteer opportunities. I need to get back to school. That's my preference. I think I would like to go to school fulltime. I like learning and studying. Unfortunately, I need money, so I have to work. I was thinking I could apply for disability again. I mean it's clear I can't hold a job. 

It's weird, I feel like I have cobwebs all over my eyes. It's like I pull them off during the day, but then they come back. Each morning they are thicker and more blinding. Some mornings, I feel like I can't see at all. They are back on my eyes right now. I feel like I could take a nap. 

I went to the endocrinologist today. I had bloodwork done, and got a small scolding from my doctor because I haven't been using my glucometer sensor or using my insulin pump. Right now my blood sugar is 400. Normal is 100-120. So my sugar is really high. I suppose I should go to the hospital, but I don't want to. I hate hospitals now. I hate all the noise and the smells. Hospitals really aren't restful. 

I don't know how I feel. I am disconnected from the world. I don't really care about too much. The rent is late, and I got a notice about the car. I have to pay $950 on Friday, otherwise it will be repossessed. Fortunately, April gets paid this week. I get my $450 std benefit. I'm behind on everything. We're in a real financial mess. As much as I love Erica, and want her to fulfill her dreams, I need her to get a job.  

I may need to contact my Aunt D for some financial assistance, but I am just too consumed with guilt and shame. I need to go to the food bank tomorrow. I suppose that will be my goal for tomorrow. God, I'm tired. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Treading Lightly

 

So, I've been in a depression for a few weeks. Actually, it started in July. It just gradually got worse until it came to a head on August 19th, 2 days after my birthday. My birthday was quiet, nothing special, but I was pretty disconnected by then. I called my therapist in a full blown panic. She put me on STD immediately. I haven't been to work since August 13th. It came with a little relief, but I am not feeling better. 

I am still disconnected. The 2 halves of my brain are fighting for control. Right now, the left side is winning which is evident because I am now able to put some words together. I also have a tremendous headache on the left side of my head. I am a little confused and have poor concentration. 

I am taking one day at a time. I've set very small basic goals for myself everyday. For example, I took a shower today. I had not taken in shower in a week. It took so much effort to do it. I just barely was able to lift my arms and wash my body. I did feel better once I bathed and put on clean clothes. That enabled me to complete my second goal, which was going to get cat food. 

After that, I made myself a turkey sandwich and took a nap. Even though these goals are very small and doable, I am tired after doing something so simple. I did do a little cleaning because the house was in disarray. No one really cleans but me, and I have not been in much of a mood to clean. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. Believe me when I say, this is taking a lot of effort from me. 

So, I've been sleeping a lot, and watching a little television. I found myself watching Murder, She Wrote for the past week. It's harmless and mildly entertaining. 

Well, I guess that's all for now. I need to take another nap. 

B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Birthday Girl

 

On Monday, if I'm still here, I will have completed my 60 revolution around the sun and will begin my 61st year of life. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Usually my birthday is a good time for me. I'm happy and feel good about life. This year though, it's not the case. I'm very tired. 

I've been fighting a depressive episode for about a month now. I have no motivation to do anything. I don't eat much, I don't take care of myself like I used to do. I haven't been able to do any creative writing. My concentration is bad, and I've been mediocre in my job. I just don't seem to care about anything. 

I don't have any money and am behind in all my bills. But even that doesn't bother me right now. I just want to go away and sleep. I don't sleep very well because my body hurts all the time. I don't really watch television, it more or less watches me. It hurts to play with my cat, Zelda. She likes to sit with me and on me, but her 12 lbs. feels more like 100 lbs. on my skin. 

I have an appointment with a neurologist on the first of September. I'm hoping to get a full work up so someone can finally tell me what's wrong. I'm still getting acupuncture treatments and it does help a bit. I don't have that shooting pain in my left shoulder anymore. My right shoulder is still painful, but that's due to my torn rotator cuff. I'm getting surgery on that on October 9th. Hopefully, it goes well. 

 April went back to work yesterday. She's working from home. Erica is still unemployed. I feel like I just can't move sometimes. I have numbness in my hands sometimes, and my legs hurt and feel really heavy. It's crazy, but I am hoping that the doctor tells me I have some type of debilitating disease. At least I'd know what was wrong. 

I don't have any real goals this year. I would like to go to another concert or to play. Maybe I will see the Nutcracker this year. I'd also like to go out of town for a weekend. I guess I'll have to catch up on my bills first before I can plan anything like that. 

I got my promotion to level 2 in June, but I'm not getting paid for it. The company still has me in the system as a level 1. I've been talking to my supervisor about it for over a month. Still, nothing has changed. I'm a little pissed off about it, but then again, I'm having trouble really caring. I don't really care about the job anymore. I don't feel that urge to help people in this capacity. 

I applied for client coordinator job at VEG today. It's an emergency pet clinic. I'll see what happens. Maybe I'll get it. Who the hell knows anymore. I need money, and I need something stimulating to do. I'm bored, and tired. Maybe I'll feel better on my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. 

Peace-B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Lurking

 

The one thing about being bipolar is that there is always the threat of a breakdown lurking in the back of your mind. I mean I could be going along with my day and suddenly I have a thought about driving my car into a tree. It's nothing serious, just a random thought will flitter across my brain. Sometimes, I get a sudden shudder and feel sad for no apparent reason. I can't explain it. It just happens. 

The trick is in managing these random, intrusive thoughts. You can't let them take root. Otherwise, I would have found that tree a couple of weeks ago. I suppose you could say that I am a bit depressed. I'm tired all the time and my body still hurts. It's draining. It's exhausting, it's maddening. 

I reached my breaking point a couple of weeks ago and in desperation I found an acupuncturist. Fortunately, my health insurance pays for it. I went there twice now, and some of my pain has actually gone down a bit. I discovered a few things about my body. I am in a constant state of inflammation. There are not too many spots on my body that aren't tender to the touch. I had close to 100 needles inserted on my back alone.  

I volunteered at the zoo yesterday. It wasn't a lot of fun. I was in the contact yard, aka Children's Petting Zoo. I am not a person who likes being around children. They are loud and chaotic. I'm not mean by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just quiet. I spent most of the time sweeping up goat turds, which is part of the job. It's also part of the job to interact with the guest. It was an okay time. It just wasn't the fun I had pictured. So, I was disappointed. I have to sign up again for another shift next month. I'm supposed to volunteer at least 4 hours a month. The only good thing was that I got 4000 steps in. So, I ended up walking 2.5 miles yesterday. I came home and took a nap. I slept most of last night too, which is a good thing. I was actually in my bed instead of on the couch. 

I have a session with my therapist today at noon. I guess I'll talk about these suicidal thoughts I've been having. Lately, I've been thinking I'm worth more dead than alive. The rent will be late again this month. I'm late on my car payment and the electric bill. I'm sad about it, and I don't see a way out. I can't ask my brother for money, since he was on disability too. 

I'm kind of out of it. I don't feel like putting a positive spin on things right now. I know I should count my blessings and be grateful for the things I have, but I'm tired of being positive right now. I just want to go away somewhere and sleep for a while. I have to clean today, since no one else seems to know how to clean the bathroom or mop the floors. I'm feeling resentful towards April and Erica. They aren't making much effort to help around the house. I know April is limited in what she can do, but Erica isn't and all she does is draw and watch TV. I wish I had enough money to live on my own. I'm tired of living with them. 

In 2 weeks, I will turn 61. I don't know how I feel about it. I usually look forward to my birthday. But since I will be working this month for nothing, I'm not feeling very enthusiastic. I'm just so tired. 

B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: State of the Union

 

Ok, so things have become dire. Moneywise we are broke. I mean broke, no money, no mas dinero, nada. I just had to ask my brother for money, again, for food. Erica is still without a job, and April hasn't gotten her disability check because her employers are nincompoops. They sent in the wrong information to MetLife, her disability carrier. Last week she got a check for a whopping $23.90. We were like, what the flippity fuck!!?? So, now we are waiting for the second payment which is supposed to be a direct deposit, but it will probably be a paper check. 

We have nothing to eat. We have breakfast, but the rest of the day and the next few days, we have nothing. I pulled $480 out of my 401K, but it wasn't enough. We had to pay the internet bill, which I need for work and the phone bill, also needed for work. I have the enormous sum of $10.73 in my checking account. I'm out of cigarettes. I know I should skip the smokes, but quite frankly, it's one of the few things holding my emotional well-being together. I try to remain upbeat, and think positive, but I tell you if I couldn't smoke I don't think I could do it. Addiction sucks. 

Anyway, about Erica. Is she looking for a job. I don't think so. She's working on her business project. She has a shop on Etsy that sells Beyonce related products. She has some bags for sale currently, and is making her 1st keychain design. So, she's been assembling them. She's been developing this for about a year or so, and it's finally coming together. I don't want to discourage her or push her because she needs to focus. But damn girl, we need cash. 

April is coming along okay with her hip surgery recovery although she is starting to get on my nerves a bit. She can get up and do things for herself, but she just mostly sits in the chair and asks for stuff. I'm going to start saying no. Get up and get it. She still uses the walker. She supposed to go back to work next month, but we'll see. 

My brother is still on disability too, which makes me feel like shit to ask him for money help. He has emphysema. Right now the northeast is experience air quality issues because of fires in Canada. So, he can't go outside. Anyway, I always feel like shit when I have to ask him for stuff. But especially today since yesterday was his birthday. 

I wish I won just $50k. That would solve all my problems. They say money can't buy happiness, but I'll tell you this much, money would solve 99.99% of my problems and then I could concentrate on being happy. 

My job is okay. I had a very hard couple of days. My pain is getting to me, and I burst into tears the other day. I'm just so fucking frustrated. Anyway, I'm exploring eastern medicine and went for my first acupuncture treatment. I'm sore, but she said I would be. I'm going to do some research today into a couple of my medications and acupuncture. I need to get off some of these meds. I think they are making me sick. 

Speaking of my job and money. I was supposed to get a raise when I made level 2, but my last paycheck reflected my old pay grade. So, I sent a message to my supervisor. I haven't heard back yet. I will be looking into this further on Monday. 

So there you have it. The state of the union is not good. In fact we are teetering close to the edge. But then we always are. I'm so tired of being poor. Can't afford, food, gas, rent, medicine. Everything is a bunch of bullshit. Right now, at this second I hate my life. But the day will get better. It usually does. 

Peace out- B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Cute Shoes

 

I've noticed something lately. I can't wear cute shoes anymore. I can't wear heels, not even kitten heels. If I want to wear something with a heel, it has to be a wedge heel and no higher than an inch. I wonder when this happened, but I realize that it happened after my car accident in 2012 when my ankle got messed up. Eventually it had to be fused together, so now I can't even bend it. On bad days, I walk with a limp, which is just so sexy. I have to sort of drag my right leg behind me. 

Come to think of it, I don't even wear cute clothes anymore. When I turned 55, I started dressing for comfort. All my t-shirts are at least a size too big. I can't find pants that fit anymore. Everything is either too baggy or too tight. I wear a lot of yoga pants. I have 4 pairs of sneakers. I do have a pair of pink UGG boots, which are cute to me. Mostly this summer I've been wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I have a black pair of slides that I wear all the time. A lot of times I wear them with socks. Stylish I know, but that's how everybody wears them. I do have a pair of Boho sandals, but I haven't worn them a lot because my feet are ugly. I used to have pretty feet. My right foot has big scars on it from my multiple ankle surgeries. My left foot is still cute. But, I haven't had a pedicure in a long while, so my toes are kind of janky. 

I did give myself a mani-pedi today. It's not professional by any means, but at least my nails are painted. I painted my fingernails cobalt blue and my toes are hot pink. I think they look cute. I may try and look cute tomorrow. I put makeup on today, which I hardly ever do anymore. I usually makeup my eyes because I think they are my best feature, but with my lack of sleep for the last 6 months, my eyes are very dry and scratchy. I usually end up rubbing my makeup off. I don't wear lipstick anymore. I don't like the way it makes me look. As I've gotten older, it just looks cheap. I am trying to find a natural lipstick. I have one, but it's kind of old. 

I guess I need to try harder to look cute. people have told me that I am beautiful, but I think I'm more cute than beautiful. I must admit, I've let my hair go. I usually pin it up because I hate braiding it in order to wear it out and wavy. Maybe I'll try this week. I have to wash my hair tomorrow, so maybe I'll braid it until blow drying it straight. That way I'll have some nice waves. 

Unfortunately, I don't have anywhere to go when I look cute. I don't go clubbing, and I have no friends. I suppose I should call Angela from upstairs, but she doesn't have any teeth. She's nice though. Maybe if a movie comes out that I want to see, I'll ask her if she wants to go, although she rarely goes anywhere without her dog, Toby. 

I used to be so cute. I wonder why I stopped trying. Mostly I just want to be really comfortable. Unfortunately, you can't do both in this day and age. I miss my cute shoes though. I miss a lot of stuff. As Bette Davis said "Getting old ain't for sissies.!" 

 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Unquiet Mind and the Restless Heart

 

I'm feeling a lot of emotions today. I'm feeling a bit depressed, anxious and lonely. I've done my weekend chores already. I cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom, did my laundry and mopped the floor. That's not unusual. That's what I normally do on the weekends. Cleaning usually calms me down, but not today. Today, I want more. 

I went to the Publix for some groceries and to pick up April's prescriptions. It was very crowded. Which is not unusual the day before a holiday. However, there were a lot of families and couples shopping today. I guess they were getting ready for the family gatherings this weekend. It made me feel kind of sad. I want to have a family gathering. Not just with my usual family, but I want a family of my own. 

I have a churning in my gut, and I'm on the verge of tears. I haven't felt this in a long while. I'm feeling bad about myself because I don't have anyone. I've never had anyone. I used to think that it was because I was too fat and no one wanted to be with me. But that's not it. It's just me. I guess it's something about my personality or the way I come across to the opposite sex. I can't figure it out. I think that I'm friendly and approachable, but no one talks to me. I go out a lot more than I ever did before. I make myself look attractive, but still nothing happens. I exchange pleasantries and smile. I just don't get it. 

I'm not so fat. I have cute clothes. I do need to do something with my hair. I have a lot of grays and I always wear it pinned up. I suppose I should try to wear make up more often. I think I need to embrace myself and just tell the world fuck you I'm beautiful. It's all about attitude I guess. 

I haven't felt like having a man in my life for about a year. I tried to convince myself that I didn't want want. I don't need a man, I think it would just be nice to have someone who thinks I'm special. I guess I've been watching too many rom-coms. I just finished watching a series called Survival of the Thickest. It stars Michelle Buteau. She's a big girl who is simply fabulous. She has great friends and a great sense of herself. She knows she's incredible and let's everyone know it. I wish I were more like her. She created the perfect man in the series. He's Italian. I've always wanted to go to Italy. Maybe I'll meet someone overseas. 

By the way, my Aunt Delores invited me to go with her to Italy and Greece next year. I just have to save up for it and get my passport. I claim it now and put it out there in the universe. I AM going to Italy and Greece next year. Even if I have to go alone. 

Hopefully by then, I'll have had all my medical issues taken care of. I found out that I have a torn rotator cuff in my right shoulder. Last year was the left side. I'm having surgery in September. I have to pay off a few bills before then. I can do it if I put my nose to the grindstone. No missing work unless absolutely necessary. For instance, I have to go to the doctor on the 14th to see about the bulging discs in my neck, so I have to go in late since I don't have any PTO. After that, it's all work work work. 

Funny thing, I'm getting all these notices about claims examiner jobs now that I got my level 2. Where were all these jobs 6 months ago. I don't know what to do really. I could check them out, but I feel guilty just looking at the posts let alone applying for them. But then again, I can't hold back my life for Delta Dental. I have to do what's best for me. Anyway, I have to get my shoulder done before I get a new job, maybe my neck too. I have bills to pay off too. 

I've been speaking to the universe about the house I'm going to win. I am talking about it and thinking about it as if I live there. That's supposed to be the law of attraction. Speak it into existence. 

I guess I'll speak my husband into existence too. I don't want just anyone. I want Tracy. He's supposed to get married in November, but I've been speaking against it. He's supposed to be with me. That much I know for sure. It will happen. 

Of course, I may just be living in a life in my mind. All I know is that I'm tired of being alone. It's my time, my season. If I don't go after what I want, I won't get it. So, I'm going after it. 

Peace - B