Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Negative Monster

 

So, it's been 4 days since my sister's hip replacement surgery. So far everything is going well. She's getting around better with her walker. She can get herself to the bathroom and doesn't need a whole bunch of help. However, I am bothered. It's my niece, Erica. I'm not too fond of her attitude about the whole thing. She is acting like this is a great inconvenience to her. 

Granted, the situation has got the household a bit chaotic, but that's what happens. She acts like taking care of her mother is a burden and I don't appreciate it. In fact, it's fucking pissing me off. She's not working right now, and she has little prospects, so what else has she got to do. It's not like she has to help her mom to the bathroom or bathe her. April is not senile or incontinent. She is a relatively healthy person. She has Parkinson's, but that's not a factor in this situation. 

Erica is tired, I understand that. Hell, I'm tired. April is tired and in pain. Does she think she is so special? All she wants to do is listen to her audiobooks and draw. Sorry buttercup, but you can't do that. This isn't about you it's about your mother. Stop acting like a spoiled brat. She acts like this when I'm sick too. When I was home for a week with a severe migraine, the only thing she could think of was how it was impacting her. Not am I okay, just the fact that she would have to take care of the house and the animals. 

Let's get this straight, for the past 8 weeks she stays up until the wee hours drawing on her little pad. She doesn't get up until 10 or 11 am. Who has been walking the dog in the morning? Me, that's who. I do it because he has to go to the bathroom and it's not fair to him to have to wait for her to get up. But, I go back to my regular hours next week, so I won't be able to do it anymore. I wouldn't mind so much but Kyber is actually her dog, and she is supposed to take care of him. She gets a pissy attitude when she has to walk him. Keep in mind, she is not working. I am. 

She is a negative person. She is always angry, or surly about something. She doesn't try to put a good spin on things. She simply wallows in her misery. I'm not seeing much effort on her part to improve her lot. She doesn't want to work for a corporation, but bitches about not having benefits and little pay per hour. Got news for you chicky, the mom and pops don't pay well. 

Sometimes, I just want to smack her across the face. They both get upset with me when I get depressed or am not happy. Yet, she gets away with a bad attitude. I'm quite sick of her. I love her, and she can on rare occasions be a great person to be around. But those moments are few and far between. She is a big negativity monster, and I hate it. 

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Hello, Shady Pines?

 

So this past week, I've been in a haze of migraines and medication. I took all my migraine meds, nothing worked. I had a headache for 4 days straight. I slept a lot because my meds make me sleepy. I woke up with a headache and went to bed with one. Needless to say, I couldn't work. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Noise and light was torture. I couldn't even listen to any music. I was a wreck. 

I don't think I am depressed about anything. I mean Father's Day is tomorrow, but it didn't bother me. I thought about my dad several times, but that was just because I saw his favorite movie was on, and I heard the song that always reminds me of him. Those are happy thoughts, though. Plus, he visited a few times this week. I saw a red cardinal was outside the window. Cardinals and butterflies men someone you lost is visiting you. Mom hasn't visited in a while though. But, I've been thinking about her a lot with all the health shit we've been going through. 

My brother was in the hospital for a week. He was diagnosed with early stage emphysema and COPD, flaring. He was home for a week on oxygen therapy and steroids. He's doing fine now. I'm sure he's bored out of his mind. 

April is having hip surgery on Monday. She'll be home a few weeks convalescing. It ought to be very interesting with them both here while I'm trying to work. I may have to go into the office just to get some peace and quiet. 

We went to tour the dreamhouse today that I entered to win. It's just inconvenient enough that makes it almost ours. The house is located about 40 minutes from us. We have to go on the highway to get any place, and I will need to change all my doctors. See, inconvenient. It's a nice house. There are some things we'd change. It's not my dreamhouse, but I'll take it. It has stairs, so that's not really great, but the laundry is upstairs. 

So, with all of our aches and pains and surgeries, why not win a brand new house. I'll be having shoulder surgery again, this time on my right shoulder. I also have bulging discs at C6 and C7, so I'll probably be having surgery on my neck this year too. We should probably be resting in a home somewhere like Shady Pines. April has to walk around someplace safe without cats and dogs laying around. I need to do physical therapy for my shoulder, again. This home physical therapy won't work because our apartment is just too small. 

Well, I guess that's all for now. Peace - B    

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Daily Journey through the Fog

 

So, this week was a bit of challenge at work. Actually, the past 2 weeks have been a challenge. We've been in class these 2 weeks. I've struggled with some simple concepts and basic math. This is a concern for me because it is something new. Well, that's not exactly true with math. I had a very hard time with word problems when I was a child. I struggled with them in math class. Eventually, I figured out how to make it make sense in my brain. I would figure out the formula and simply plug in the numbers. This worked out very well for me, and I got top grades in math through middle and high school. 

Lately though, my brain has done a hard stop on my thinking processes. We've been studying coordination of benefits regarding claims and we've had to do the calculations. I understand and can explain the concept just fine. But when it came to the calculations, my brain was like "what, wait, what?" I couldn't figure the problems out to save my life. I ended up with massive headaches and had nightmares that I was being chased by huge numbers. 

At the end of these 2 weeks, I'm still having trouble with the calculations. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been going through things in a fog. I can't seem to make my way through it. I have to make lists of what I need to do in the day. I have sticky notes all over my calendar and desk to remind me to do this, call that person, and what to ask April and Erica so I don't forget. 

I started an anti-inflammatory diet this week, so I've been eating a lot of protein, fruit and veggies. I cut out sugar and bread for the most part. The diet is going well, and I do feel better. My pain has subsided a bit. But it hasn't helped with my brain fog, however. I still forget why I walk into rooms, and get easily distracted by things. It's concerning. 

I have an appointment with my neurologist on the 1st of July. I don't really like him, so I want to see another one. I got a referral from April to her neurologist, but I have to jump through a few hoops to see him. I'm still having electric pulses in my arms and legs for no apparent reason. It's not positional or anything, it just happens. Also, I've had numbness in my forearms and hands. I cramp up a lot and my balance is a joke. I walk into walls and fall off my feet. Not shoes or anything, I can just be standing or walking and I fall off my feet. It's like I'm having trouble figuring out where to put them. 

Sleeping is a hit or miss situation. Sometimes, I sleep all night, and other times I'm up at 3 am. Mostly, I manage to get back to sleep, but a lot of times I just lay there for an hour or so. There are times I can't sleep in my bed at all and have to sleep sitting up on the couch. It's been almost a year now. I am hoping to get a complete neurological workup with the new doctor because my current doctor tends to dismiss my concerns. 

So, that's me. Living in a fog by no choice of my own. I hope I find out what's wrong soon. I know I'm not crazy. Something is definitely wrong with me. 

My brother went in the hospital yesterday. They are evaluating him for COPD. He had fluid in his chest, and his blood oxygen levels were below 90. So, now there's that to worry/think about. Getting old really sucks. It ain't for wimps that's for sure. I wish my mom was here. She could make sense out of everything. I've been thinking about her a lot this week. I need a cheerleader. We all do. 

Well, I guess that's all. I see my therapist tomorrow morning. I have to change the time. 8 am is not a respectable time to talk about life. It's a time for coffee. I still smoke too. Oh well, I'll work on that next month. My butt hurts. This sitting all day is for the young. 

Peace - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I Would, But I Don't Want to

 

So, I've been in training for 3 weeks now for the level 2 position, which is now just call Customer Advocate. I have 3 more weeks to go. I normally enjoy learning new things, but the class has turned out to be frustrating. We spend a lot of time going over things that we may never need to use in everyday work. At least that's how I felt yesterday. 

This week we learned a lot about overpayments, recoupment and finding fees. I know that means nothing to most of you, but it was a lot of material. I felt like my head was being crammed with information. I remember most of it, but I'm not retaining it as much as I like. I think I may need to get some memory supplements. I have notes and cheat sheets, but jeezaloo, it's just so much to remember. 

The class is so much pressure on me that I had to withdraw from the summer semester at school. I just didn't have the time to do the work. Training is from 10:30 am to 7:15 pm Monday through Friday. Let me tell you, but the time I clock out for the day, my brain has been cooked thoroughly. All I want to do after work is go to bed. 

Of course, with the pressure I've been feeling, my anxiety is going through the roof. I nearly had a panic attack yesterday, and last night I got a whole 4 hours of sleep. My legs and back are acting up again. I get this weird cramping and shockwaves in my legs. I guess I will discuss it with my doctor when I see him on the 10th of July. I've been looking up my symptoms, and I do have a lot of the markers for MS. Which would explain a lot of how I've been feeling the past several months. However, I am hesitant to talk to my neurologist about it, because he has a tendency to dismiss me as hysterical. 

Mentally, I'm stable. I mean, I am having anxiety and a little depression, but that's because I've been in pain for so long. I'm beginning to question my ability to do some things. I've fallen off my feet a few times, and I've walked into a couple of walks because of my balance. I'm wondering if I will be able to do my zoo volunteering like I planned. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I have my first shift on July 3rd. It's in the contact zoo, aka children's zoo. I'm not really looking forward to it as I am not that fond of children. But that's where everyone starts out. I really want to work in the vet clinic or do animal husbandry. I'm more of a behind the scenes type of person. 

The problem right now with everything is motivation. I made a lot of plans for myself this year, but I'm really having trouble getting jazzed about them. Even things like taking a shower or cleaning the kitchen it's like I would do it, but i don't want to right now. It's strange, but I've been feeling discouraged by my age lately. I am 60 years old, soon to be 61 in August. A lot of times I say to myself things like, I should take a long walk everyday, but then stop and think why? I don't want to. I'm too old for all this shit. I get easily frustrated and sometimes overwhelmed. Especially about my job. I mean I feel like I should be doing something else, maybe get a new job. But then I stop and think, 1 you're too old to start a new position, and 2 you're too old for a company to look at you twice. So, I guess I'm stuck at Delta Dental until the day I die. Since, I have no retirement savings, I'll probably die at my desk in the middle of a phone call. 

I put in an entry for the St. Jude's Dream House in the area. I like the house, but it's just okay. I'll probably win the thing just because I'm pretty indifferent. Oh well, there it is. Maybe I'll talk to my therapist about it tomorrow morning. I hope I can get some rest this weekend. The only thing I have planned is to mop the kitchen floor, laundry and washing my hair. I know, so exciting, right. That's my life now. Cleaning is my only exercise. Most things I'm like, what's the point? I hope I break out of this mood soon. Maybe I'm a bit depressed. I should try to get out this weekend, maybe go to the library. We'll see. 

Peace, Joy, Love -B

Happy Pride Month!!!!

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Making Plans

 

So, it's Memorial Day. It is the day that we, as Americans, take the time to honor our war dead. It has become more than that though. It has become a day that we honor all of our dead. People visit the graves of loved ones and place flowers and/or flags. It's a day of remembrance. It's kind of a somber day. 

I've been thinking a lot about final arrangements lately, especially since the funeral of my Uncle Pree. I went to Pennsylvania for a week for the services. It was a very nice service. There was a viewing and church service. The burial was the next day because he was cremated. His ashes are buried at Whitemarsh Memorial Park. That's also where my grandparents on my mom's side are buried. Another uncle and aunt are there. I've been thinking about it because I still have my mom and dad's ashes. 

My mom wants her ashes to be scattered over her parent's graves, but that's not allowable. So, I decided the best thing to do was lay her to rest in the same cemetery as her family. I looked into it and the cost is outrageous. It would be like 17k to bury her ashes, so I decided to get a niche in the granite wall in the crematory garden. I decided to get 2 niches, one for me and mom and one for my dad and either my brother or sister. April isn't making any plans at this point. But my brother is thinking very seriously about it. He was very upset at my uncle's funeral. I sent him a text message about Whitemarsh and he sent a very long text message. 

At any rate, he wants to be cremated and his ashes scattered in the woods near the house where we grew up in Ambler. He also feels that mom and dad should remain together since 1) mom never stopped loving dad and was Mrs. Briggs until the day she died and 2) Dad never said he wanted to be in Michigan with Gail, and also they sent his ashes to me. So, I would really like to have dad's ashes scattered at the old Willow Grove Naval Air station but I don't know how to go about it. I suppose I will mention it to my brother and he could look into it. 

My uncle Dave wants to have a service for mom, but I'm like, no. I want a quiet family graveside service for her and we can go to lunch or dinner afterwards. Most of my mom's close friends have already passed away. So, I want to just have a nice little service to place her in the niche and I will join her when my time comes. 

It will cost a few thousand to open up the niche and get the plaque, etc. I will text him on Wednesday, my brother I mean, in response to his lengthy message. So, that's what's been happening. Making plans for the future. 

I got my level 2 raise and promotion by the way. I started training on 5/18. I will be in class until 6/29. I don't mind being off the phones. We do get on the phones for part of the time, but it's okay. The provider calls are easy because that's what I've been doing. The member calls are always a crap shoot because you never know what to expect. But, I will deal with it. 

I'm also in school this summer. I'm not doing very well in my sociology class. I just want to pass. I've given up on being an A student. It's not a healthy way to think, not anymore anyway. My brain doesn't function as fast anymore now that I'm 60. Maybe if I was 40, I'd try a lot harder. But, even when I do graduate, I won't be getting another job. I plan on retiring at Delta. I'm too old to start a new job now. I just don't care anymore. All I want is the money. 

That's all for now. My left knee is killing me. I'm going to tape it up in a few minutes. Take it easy and ask yourself, what are your life plans? 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Keep My Love Alive

 

Well, I'm back home. I came home yesterday after a week of traveling. I drove from here to Georgia to South Carolina last Monday to my Uncle Dave's house. From there we went to North Carolina to pick up my cousin Shavonne and from there we drove up to Pennsylvania for my Uncle Pree's funeral. 

It was a good trip even though spending all those hours in the car did nothing for my back. But, I didn't really pay to much attention. I was just glad to see my family. Sure, the circumstances of the gathering were sad, but it was really great to see everyone. 

My uncle was laid out in royal blue, down to his shoes. I didn't kiss him goodbye, but I did touch him. It was as I expected, stiff and cold. I did a reading for his service. I think it went pretty well. It was a catholic service, so I got to take communion. The service was very lovely and dignified. We even laughed a few times. 

We all stayed together at an AirBnB that my cousin Zachery found. It was a grand old house that reminded me of my grandmom's house. So, it felt like home. Shavonne and I shared a room, which was fun. We both snore, so I think we rattled some walls. We all had breakfast and dinner together. We were there until Thursday, and everyone hit the road going in their separate directions. The only person that flew in was Spencer as he came from Colorado. 

I got to see my brother. He looked okay. He doesn't seem too happy. I think he is lonely. I don't imagine that he has many friends. He's a registered offender, so he can't just pick up and leave the state whenever he wants. He said he may retire at 67, he's 62 now. I ask him to consider moving closer to us when he does retire. I would like to have him closer, just so he's not so alone. 

I was going to try and see my other aunt and uncle in Willow Grove, but there just wasn't enough time. Erica has a wedding in September, so maybe I'll go with her on her road trip and see my Aunt Gloria and Uncle George. 

So, here I am, back home doing the same shit. I missed a level 2 class while I was gone, so I'm still a level 1. Who knows when the next level 2 class will be. God, I hope I have another job by then. This job is a pain in the ass. 

I did my orientation at the zoo today. I have to take some classes online before I become active. School starts tomorrow. I didn't get my book yet, I ordered it before I left. Hopefully it will be here before the end of the week. I think we are reading the  Odyssey. I'm going to be up late at night doing schoolwork. But, I will work it out. I'm still taking my Spanish classes. I'm doing things that on paper sound great and positive, but I have to make a concerted effort to maintain my positivity.  

I'm trying to keep my love of life alive. I need to constantly remind myself that I'm good, and I feel okay. But there are times when I just think I'd like to lay down and sleep uninterrupted for several hours. Oh well, Back to the old grindstone. There's a shift bid tomorrow. I think I'll try to keep the same shift. I like having Friday's off. 

That's all for now. I'm actually doing pretty well hence my posts aren't quite so riveting. Who knows, maybe next week I'll have a nervous breakdown. 

Peace - B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Passages

 

When I was young, I couldn't wait to be a grown up. I thought that it would be great to do what I want, have a job, make money and stay up as long as I wanted. You know what? Being an adult sucks balls. 

I can't do what I want when I want. I work all week to have a few days off to get things done, run errands and relax. Then, Sunday comes and I have to start all over again. I go to the same boring job every week. I don't make enough money to make ends meet. I am constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul, and my body is rebelling against me. Then to top it all off, when you get older your loved ones begin dying off. 

I suppose I am more fortunate than most. I grew up with all 4 of my grandparents. They all lived to a ripe old age. Their deaths were hard but not unexpected. Then I lost my parents and my whole world collapsed. They also lived a good long life, but their deaths were not expected and they were sudden. I just remember waking up one day and I was an orphan. I was 54 years old. Too old to feel like an orphan? Not at all. I don't care how old you are, when you lose a parent you are suddenly a small child wandering around in the dark. You feel alone and scared. Suddenly you are on your own desperately trying to remember all of the advice your parents gave you. The world becomes too big, and very cold. No one is there to catch you when you fall. You have to start taking care of yourself. Alone and on your own. 

I am reminded of all of this because my favorite uncle died on May 5th. I was at a concert when I got the news. The text from my cousin Spencer simply said, "Dad passed about an hour ago." 

My first thought was Fuck. Then I just texted back "Damn, I'm so sorry, hugs and prayers for all of you." I went to see the Eagles in concert. It was great, but a dark cloud did hang over my head. 

I'm going to PA for the services. I've been asked to do a reading. I kind of thought I would be asked. It is truly an honor. I read for Aunt Berta's service. If we ever get around to doing anything for my mom, I'll do a reading for her as well. Speaking of mom, I finally got her ashes out of the storage unit, Dad's too. I really need to lay them to rest somewhere. The urns just sitting around the house seems kind of disrespectful. I'll figure it out. 

I don't know if I'm dealing with this. Maybe it will probably hit me when I get up there. I feel for my cousins though. I'm going to prepare a reading just in case. 

So, it is the way things are. You're born, you live, then you die. Kinda sucks. But there you go. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A Little Respect

 

A little respect is all I ever wanted. I do a lot around the house. Let's face it, I keep the place livable. I clean the bathroom and the kitchen. I dust, vacuum and mop the floors. For a very long time, I've done these things without prompt or discussion. I do them quietly of my own volition. I've never asked for it, but I would have liked to be acknowledged somehow. 

Well, yesterday was a typical weekend day. I woke up early and took care of the animals. I then had a little breakfast and took the dog outside for his morning walk. I did my laundry. By this time it's 9 am or 9:30 am. April and Erica are just getting up. They take about 20 mins in the bathroom each, and then they fix their breakfast. I make my bed and put my Saturday clothes on because there is cleaning to do. 

After breakfast, they scroll through their phones looking at Tik Tok and talking about the videos etc. I do not usually go on Tik Tok. Besides, there's housework to be done. I have to point out that I hate a messy house. While they are able to go about their business when there are dishes in the sink, I cannot. Clutter makes me nervous. So, like I said, I clean because that is what helps me calm down. So, I start to clean up the kitchen. My clothes are in the dryer. I put the dishes in the dishwasher, wipe down the refrigerator, stove, microwave and countertops. The floor was gross, so I swept and mopped. Then I cleaned the kitty litter area and scooped the litter box so the cats won't rebel and go outside the box. So the kitchen area is clean. Since they are still sitting around scrolling through their phones, I start on the bathroom. I clean the bathroom until everything is germ free and sparkling. Then, I gather all the trash and take that out. 

I tried to sit down, but The living room is dusty, and there are small clumps of pet hair on the floor. So I swept and dusted the living room and foyer. Finally, I can relax and have my coffee. Everything is clean as I could manage, and the house smells good. That's when it happened. 

My sister got up from the table and went into the kitchen for something. I was sitting on the couch listening to my music (Heart radio on Pandora). She said something to me, so I took out my ear bud and looked at her. She said "Thank you". 

I said " your welcome."

 And then she said "Do you know what I'm saying thank you for?" I shook my head. She said, " I'm thanking you for the cleanup job, The kitchen looks great, you did a good job!" 

I was dumbstruck for a minute. She had never thanked me for cleaning up before now. I had just figured since I did it, it was my job. But here she was acknowledging my efforts. I felt kind of giddy inside. '

"Your welcome," I said. 

Then things kind of went back to the usually Saturday morning activities. I've spoken out before to April and Erica about the fact that clutter and mess makes me very anxious. To me, mess means chaos. Chaos means everything is going wrong and my world will somehow end. So, I think they just expect it from me. I must acknowledge that they do clean up from time to time. However, me being me, I don't think they do it as well as I do. LOL

But, I have noticed lately that they are thanking me for doing stuff. Erica thanks me for taking Kyber for his walks and feeding him and the cats. The thing is, these things have become part of my daily routine, and it provides structure for me. I know that I have to do certain things at a certain time. It keeps me on an even keel. They have also noticed that I pace around if I don't have anything to do. Hence, April sent me to the store yesterday afternoon because the chores were done and my laundry was done and put away. I was just kind of sitting around looking anxious. So, she made a short list, and off to Kroger I went. Erica did ask why she didn't just Instacart it. April told her I looked bored, so she was giving me something to do. 

It was kind of true. I don't mind going to the store. I go to only 3 particular stores anyway. I'm comfortable at them, because I know the layout. I go to the Kroger, Publix and Walmart. That's it. It's important to note that I only go to the stores in my neighborhood, not just any Kroger or Publix. I go to the ones near the house. 

So, I went to the store pretending I was a housewife shopping for my family. I do that a lot, pretend. Otherwise, it's just me trying to not to look desperately lonely. Anyway, I got back, and she thanked me again. Once again, I felt good. I am a people pleaser after all. Just to know what I do makes someone happy or  makes their life easier is all I've ever wanted. I just want a little acknowledgment and a little respect. This weekend, I got both. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Being Thankful?

 

I had a therapy session today. Nothing special about it. It was just my regularly scheduled station break from life that I do every week. Today, I think I bitched and moaned a little too much. Stephanie, my therapist, said that I was coming across with an attitude. The "I don't care what you think, you don't know how I feel, and my life sucks!" I guess I am feeling that way lately. I am of 2 thoughts right now. A check for $100,000 would solve all my problems right now. And 2, no one has the slightest idea of what I've been dealing with for the past 6 months. This pain is breaking my spirit. I have nothing more that I can say about it. 

Here, I am again writing in the wee hours, not because I have something profound to say, but because my body is screaming at me. I tried to lay down in my bed to sleep. That lasted about 2 hours. I came out to the living room as usual and I sat up on the couch and grabbed a few ZZZZs. I guess I slept for 3 hours. Then I had to get up again. Zelda is the only person who seems to like this arrangement. We cuddle as I try to sleep. He body is nice and warm and feels good against my joints. 

I saw the doctor today. I have a feeling that he is stumped. According to the MRI of my neck that I had in January, I don't need surgery. However, the pain remains. The intense burning sensations and weakness are still there. He ordered another MRI, and I may see a orthopaedic doctor to check out my shoulders. Then April goes and asks me if I have been evaluated for fibromyalgia or multiple sclerosis. I think I was when I had the work up from the rheumatologist, but I am not sure. So, I sent her a message asking her if I did get those tests. It turns out I have an appointment with my neurologist on May 12th, so I will bug him about the multiple sclerosis. 

Erica is just like "Go to the Mayo Clinic!!!" I would if I could. I would just like to get a full body scan and someone pointed out all my areas where things are breaking down. Then, I would know what to do. 

Right now, things are up in the air again. Stephanie says I need to concentrate on God and being thankful because things could be worse. Of course they could be worse!! I'm not stupid. But it is hard to be thankful when you are in pain all day, everyday and sleeping has become some kind of challenge. I'll work on it, I guess. But I'll tell you my heart ain't in it. 

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Promise to Try

 

So the past 2 weeks have been pretty awful. I felt myself unraveling and I was so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted I could not stop it. So, I just let it happen. It started with little things as always. I didn't make my bed. My hygiene went out the window, and I stopped eating. Everything tasted like wood and I had no appetite. I lost about 4 lbs. , which is good I guess. My hair was a mess, and I didn't get dressed. I managed to get to work but I worked in my pajamas, or whatever I wore to bed. 

I guess I was upset. I really don't know why. My mom's birthday came and went without much disturbance. Honestly, I tried not to think about it. I didn't really want to think about her, so I thought about everything but her. Which is why I got depressed I think. I also was worried about money. Erica got laid off so she has no money coming in. Her dick faced boss, just fired her and Steffanie saying he couldn't afford them anymore. He blamed his poor money management for the situation. Ok, but he just screwed over my family. I tried not to panic, but it didn't work. I held it all in because I didn't want Erica to feel any worse than she already did. 

Fortunately, I had managed to pay off 2 accounts before the hammer fell. Now I have to worry about the car payment and the rent and buying cat food. I also get to deal with this neck and shoulder pain on top of it. I just got so tired. I'm still spending most nights on the couch, sleeping sitting up. If I lay down I compress the nerves in my neck and burning pain shoots into my arms to the elbow. I started physical therapy, and it feels better afterward most of the time. But then, I end up in pain again because I did the extreme motion of trying to get a glass out of the cabinet. To top it off, I'm stuck in this chair trying to work and getting stiff. I pushed my monitors back a bit so I'm not holding my head at an angle so much. But, after 10 hours, my neck hurts. I only get maybe 3 hours of sleep a night. I usually fall asleep around 11, and wake up at 2 or 3 pm. Sometimes, I can dose off again, but most of the time I'm just up trying to alleviate the pain. 

Today, I washed my hair. So, my neck and shoulders are screaming at me. In fact, typing this blog is causing pain, but it doesn't really matter. It would hurt anyway. I have to feed the animals in a minute. Then I'll take a couple of pain pills. Then I'll try to take a nap. 

I started feeling better yesterday. I finally took a shower and brushed my teeth. I put on some clean clothes and combed my hair. I almost looked presentable. I had a doctor's appointment, physical therapy and had to have an MRI of my liver. I know, big fun on my day off. All I did today was my laundry and my hair. I'd like to do my nails, but my feet are in need of professional health. They need to be scaled. I haven't had a pedicure in 6 months, so I've got some rough skin. I could do it under ordinary circumstances, but with my neck the way it is, I don't dare. 

I though about just letting myself go, but I had made myself a promise when I was in the hospital last time. I promised that no matter what, I wouldn't give up. I would just try to keep it together. So, far I've managed. Of course, there are times when I'd like nothing better than a good hard cry, but it doesn't happen like before. I cried before Christmas. Haven't since. So, I will continue to try. 

Peace, Joy, Love- B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Hella Different

 

Well, things kind of got away from me this week. I was anxious and weepy on Monday. On Tuesday, I was tired and wanted to sleep all day. On top of that, I couldn't regulate my blood glucose levels. It kept falling below 70 no matter what I did. Then my shoulders locked up. So, I only worked 5 hours. This morning was just bad. I fed the kids, and just vegetated on the couch. I didn't work today. I know it's just me sabotaging myself again. I was doing really well for quite a while. This week just isn't good. I couldn't figure out why, but then I remembered my mom's birthday is on Saturday. She would have been 86 yrs old. 

I've known this day was coming, I even thought I was prepared. I wasn't however. I was ready for a big emotional swing, but not the little things that have crept up on me. I would be doing something in the kitchen and suddenly I would remember how my mom did it. I was making myself a chicken sandwich the other day, and I just remember thinking that my mom made great sandwiches. I wasn't feeling well this morning, I was dizzy and nauseous. It flashed in my mind that my mom would have made me tea and toast and I would feel better. She would massage my shoulders to help with the pain. 

I really wanted to talk to my mom this week. I wanted a hug. It's all well and good to think about her and the things she would do and say, but it's not the same as having her here in the flesh. I can hardly wait to see her again. I went over an inventory in my head of the things I remember about her. The touch of her hands, the way she smelled. Her laughter that was infectious and the way she looked after everyone in the family. Especially the way she looked after me. I have now been on my own for 6 years, and let me tell you, being an adult is highly over-rated. I thought I'd get to go and do whatever I wanted. I couldn't wait to stay up late. Now, I just want to go to bed at 9 pm. 

I remember how limber I was. Now, I can barely put on my underwear on without falling down. When I was young, I could drop something and immediately pick it up. Now, if I drop something, I have to ask myself how much I really need it. Getting down on the floor is now a physically challenge. I have to make sure i have a plan to get back up. I used to be able to literally dance all night. Now, if I sleep in the wrong position, my back is messed up for a week or more. 

I need to talk to my mom about all this. I need to know why she didn't warn me. I want to know why I need to take pain relievers in order to do the laundry. I need to ask my dad why I have to turn the radio down in the car when I have trouble reading the street signs. 

I just wish I could go back in time and have these conversations. I need to tell my parents that I'm sorry for chuckling at their aches and pains. I need to say sorry for making fun of wearing socks and sandals and not being able to eat certain foods after 8 pm. 

I wish I could go back, but only if I was able to know everything I know now. Life would be hella different. I'd still be old and my parents may still be gone, but I would KNOW. 

Peace, Joy, Love -B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Other Shoe

 

Well, I have had a lot , well maybe not a lot, but I have had an increase in my anxiety levels lately. I don't know exactly why. I think it's because everything is going pretty well. I have been able to pay my bills. And I've worked almost 2 straight weeks without taking time off, which is a major accomplishment for me. I only missed 1 hour. I could have missed more because I was worn out and cranky by Thursday. 

Actually, my new schedule is working out better than I thought it would. The idea of having a 3 day weekend every week is enough to bolster my spirits. The hardest day is Wednesday. Not because of a particular reason, it's just like hurry up and be over so I can have 3 days off. Thursdays are pretty good for the most part. It's like HOORAY, the end of the week is here. 

Working a 10 hour day isn't too bad. I get a break every 2 hours. That includes my 1 hour lunch. Sometimes, I take a little power nap. I have 2 more breaks after lunch, so I feel pretty good. The last hour from 6 to 7:15 tend to drag. Every once in a while I get a last minute phone call. April and Erica think I should go into personal for the last 3 minutes, but I can't do that. It would be considered call avoidance which is a serious offense. People have been fired because of it. I am being watched every second that I am at work. The even know how many keystrokes I make during a call and what screens I access. It's very creepy if I stop and think about it. Most of the time, I just merrily type away and do my job. 

Anyway, about my anxiety. I've been living in survival mode for so long, that my body and brain aren't used to not having anything to worry about. I guess I could worry, but I have learned to live in the moment so I'm not stressed all the time. But since my brain isn't used to it, it invents things to worry about. I've been having anxiety-ridden dreams and a couple of nightmares. I had a very serious nightmare a couple of weeks ago. I was being stalked by Pennywise. I kept my eyes closed and covered my head incase I woke up and he was really there. Like a little kid, I thought as long as I don't see him I'm safe. Eventually, he went away and I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep. 

I also had a very weird dream about my dog Smokey, who died like 20 years ago. I was taking care of him and everyone was telling me to put him down. People kept coming up to me and telling me that he was just a dog. But, he was more than just a dog. He was my baby and he was sick. It was my job to take care of him. So, I did. Eventually, in the dream I carried him away from everyone, and he and I lived off by ourselves. 

Those are the only dreams I remember. In some others, I was running from someone. I don't know who or why, but I remember waking up not being able to breath. I suppose all of these dreams are my subconscious self telling me that I need to take control of my life. I think I am. I have a lot going on and coming up soon. I think my old brain is bracing me for the other shoe to drop. But so far, it hasn't happened. Things are always working out. Sometimes not like I thought, but always to my benefit. I'm trying to redirect the anxiety so it doesn't set up housekeeping in my brain. 

My old brain was constantly ready for the worst case scenario. It didn't always happen, but I was in such bad shape that I couldn't appreciate when things went well. I was not a great person to be around. I don't know how I am now. I really don't care what other people think about me. I'm doing okay in my little corner of the world. I am much happier nowadays. 

So, the other shoe hasn't dropped. Things are going well and I am rejoicing in it. Well, I guess that's all. 

Peace, Joy, Love- B