When I was young, I couldn't wait to be a grown up. I thought that it would be great to do what I want, have a job, make money and stay up as long as I wanted. You know what? Being an adult sucks balls.
I can't do what I want when I want. I work all week to have a few days off to get things done, run errands and relax. Then, Sunday comes and I have to start all over again. I go to the same boring job every week. I don't make enough money to make ends meet. I am constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul, and my body is rebelling against me. Then to top it all off, when you get older your loved ones begin dying off.
I suppose I am more fortunate than most. I grew up with all 4 of my grandparents. They all lived to a ripe old age. Their deaths were hard but not unexpected. Then I lost my parents and my whole world collapsed. They also lived a good long life, but their deaths were not expected and they were sudden. I just remember waking up one day and I was an orphan. I was 54 years old. Too old to feel like an orphan? Not at all. I don't care how old you are, when you lose a parent you are suddenly a small child wandering around in the dark. You feel alone and scared. Suddenly you are on your own desperately trying to remember all of the advice your parents gave you. The world becomes too big, and very cold. No one is there to catch you when you fall. You have to start taking care of yourself. Alone and on your own.
I am reminded of all of this because my favorite uncle died on May 5th. I was at a concert when I got the news. The text from my cousin Spencer simply said, "Dad passed about an hour ago."
My first thought was Fuck. Then I just texted back "Damn, I'm so sorry, hugs and prayers for all of you." I went to see the Eagles in concert. It was great, but a dark cloud did hang over my head.
I'm going to PA for the services. I've been asked to do a reading. I kind of thought I would be asked. It is truly an honor. I read for Aunt Berta's service. If we ever get around to doing anything for my mom, I'll do a reading for her as well. Speaking of mom, I finally got her ashes out of the storage unit, Dad's too. I really need to lay them to rest somewhere. The urns just sitting around the house seems kind of disrespectful. I'll figure it out.
I don't know if I'm dealing with this. Maybe it will probably hit me when I get up there. I feel for my cousins though. I'm going to prepare a reading just in case.
So, it is the way things are. You're born, you live, then you die. Kinda sucks. But there you go.
Peace, Joy, Love - B
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