Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: No Rest for the Weary

 

It's 4 am and I'm wide awake. This is the second night in a row. My gut is churning and I am a nervous wreck. I have no idea what's going on with me. Yesterday was a bad day. I did nothing. I have to take a shower today. I have a doctor's appointment today for my annual check-up. I don't want to go, but I need refills for my meds. 

I listen to music when I can't sleep. Sometimes, it helps to calm me down. Sometimes, it doesn't like tonight. If I lived alone, I could clean or something. I wish I had some money, I'd gas up my car and go for a drive. I wish I could run away. I'd go to some small town somewhere and start over. But I guess that only works in the movies. 

I need to get out of my head. It's getting crowded in there. I retreat to my fantasies when things get hard. I always dream that I'm married or in a serious relationship with men that I knew in my past. I regret some decisions I've made regarding them. I should have paid more attention. I realize now that a couple of them actually liked me and wanted to go out with me, but I was too stupid and their attentions went right over my head. 

I could be married now. There was a guy in love with me when I was 18. However, I was so focused on going to college and being with friends that I let him pass me by. I only realized later that I loved him. He went on in his life and had a family with someone else. I recently learned he is getting married again. If this was a soap opera, I'd stop the wedding. we've kept in touch, and I know he still loves me. I think now I'm just way too complicated for him. He knows all about my troubles, and I guess he doesn't want to deal with it. I guess I'll never know for sure. 

I'm running out of time. I will be one of those people who lived a life unfulfilled. Ever since I was little, I've always thought of my life as a dream I am having as a baby. I keep waiting to wake up and live my life knowing what I know now. It suddenly hit me that this is my life and it's not a dream. It's up to me to start living, and I don't know if I can. 

Peace - B