It's official, I have hit bottom, well almost I think. But I am broke as fuck. I just had to borrow 2k from my aunt to pay this months rent. I used to go to my brother when I needed help. I guess I owe him about 25k.
Unfortunately, my brother now has emphysema and COPD is on disability also. So, in the matter of 3 months all 3 of us have been out of work. I'm supposed to get shoulder surgery in October, but I don't think I'll be able to have it done. I'm supposed to go back to work on 10/17. The surgery is supposed to be on 10/9. That's not enough recovery time.
I am filled to the brim with guilt and shame. My gut is churning from it. I am worth more dead than alive. However, suicide is not an option. I can only hope that I get into a car accident and die instantly. That way my family will get money from my life insurance and the car insurance.
Why is my life so hard? Why am I always struggling? I have prayed for relief. I have prayed for healing. But things still remain the same. I keep having dreams that I have given my life for service to God. Is that a calling? What am I supposed to do? Should I, at 61 years old, become a nun? I don't think I'm religious enough for that.
I haven't been to church in about a month. I'm too ashamed. I feel like a failure in every aspect of my life. My job has become the enemy. My health is failing, and I have no control over my finances.
On a positive note, I am in contact with my pen pal MJ. She made some biscotti for me. It should be here on Tuesday. I can't wait. I finally have something to look forward to, even if it is just a package of cookies.
Peace - B
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