Well, I am starting to feel a little better. I'm still somewhat disconnected from the world, but I feel like I am finally starting to wake up from a stupor. I have a daily schedule that I follow. It tells me what to do and when to do it. It seems kind of silly I know, but if I don't follow it, I get stuck. I'm still having difficulties doing my activities of daily living.
To people who have no idea what mental illness is about, the idea of activities of daily living sounds a little foolish. However, the mind would rather do nothing than be active. For me, activities of daily living are the first thing that goes by the wayside when I am experiencing a bipolar episode. My depression tells me that I am not worthy of being clean, or living in a nice space, or eating good food. I feel like garbage and I treat myself like garbage.
I have to convince myself every moment of every day that I am worthy. I am worthy of combing my hair and putting on clean clothes. If I didn't, I would become a blob sitting in bed contemplating my death. I still think of dying everyday, but not by suicide. Ok, I do think of suicide from time to time, but it's not serious. However, I don't think I'll be around in 10 years. I passively let myself get sick this time. I wasn't taking care of myself as far as my diabetes is concerned, and my blood sugar soared to 450. After a scolding from my doctor, I went back on the sensor and my insulin pump, so now things are back under control. I didn't do any damage to my vital organs. My liver and kidney functions remain normal.
I'm now trying to decide what I want the rest of my life to be. Where do I go from here? It's a cinch that I can't go back to Delta Dental as a customer advocate. When ever I think of doing that job, I get a blinding headache and palpitations. If I could go back in another capacity I would. Hell, I'd even work in the mailroom. I guess I'll have to ask about it, if I ever get my nerve up again.
My therapist says I should look for another job, and I have been. But nothing seems to fit. I could get a job in a front office somewhere. She thinks I would be good as a senior companion. I don't know how much something like that pays, but I need at least 3500 a month to make ends meet.
Plus, there's school. I would like to go back and finish my English degree. I had to skip the last 2 semesters. I'd like to go back in the spring. But there's the whole issue with my concentration and having the time to study. With my Monday-Thursday schedule, I couldn't study very well. But, I don't think I could work 5 days a week. I would like to go to school full-time, but that's not feasible.
I've been having dreams that I hit the lottery for some obnoxious amount of money, and everything would be taken care of financially. However, in the dream, I'm still not happy. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I don't go on a spending spree, in fact, I make modest purchases, invest and give to charity. But, I'm still unfulfilled. I guess I'm having an existential crisis.
Maybe I am supposed to give my life over to God. Let Him point me in the direction I should go. I'm too chicken to do it though. I'm such a coward about things. too afraid to try and unsure of myself. Let's face it, in the grand scheme of things, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Peace - B
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