There is a rage inside of me and I don't understand where it's coming from. I wanted to hurt someone yesterday. I wanted to feel the blood dripping from my hands. I let curse words flow through my mouth like angry vomit. I was irrational and out of control. It scared me.
The day started out well enough. I was in a pretty good mood. Then, I took my mom to the doctor. She had a 12:30 appointment. We got there at 12:05. I sat in the car listening to Sonatas and Soundscapes on the public radio station. When she hadn't come out by 1:45, I went in to investigate. She hadn't even been seen yet!! Well, I lost it. We ended up leaving without her being seen by the doctor. She was just there for a follow-up visit, so it wasn't anything crucial.
I, however, was boiling mad. This is a good doctor, but 2 hours wait is ridiculous. I ought to charge her for my time. It would be different if this was the first time, but it has happened before on many occasions. Yesterday, I just got fed up.
Then, one of my psych meds went from $10 to $55. That was the absolute end. I drove to the store like a wild woman, cursing everyone and everything. I don't know why the price went up, and frankly I don't care. I know it's my insurance company. In addition to that, my psychiatrist does not accept my insurance, so I have to pay $70 a visit. So, I either start over with a new doctor and therapist or eat it. Right now, I am eating it, but I am going to have to cut down on my visits. Which, given my present mental health, isn't a good idea.
I started seeing a chiropractor and a massage therapist. Let's see how the insurance roulette falls on these two things. I'll probably get screwed on those also. Quite frankly, I am sick of all this fucking bullshit. I hate taking all this medicine. I hate going to the doctor. I hate being on disability.
I applied for a couple of part-time jobs to help make ends meet, but who wants a fat, dumpy, disabled person who hasn't worked since 2010. I certainly wouldn't. I hate myself, I wish I had killed myself last week. Then all this fucking nonsense would be over.
My aunt started squawking about the rent last week. I want to tell her to go fuck herself and throw all my pill bottles and diabetic supplies at her. Here's your fucking rent you dumpy bitch!! You don't want me here just say the word, I don't even like you you old cunt. I'm only here because of my mom anyway. I'll have to talk to my dad about living with him. I don't forsee any problems, but you never know. Maybe I'll end up homeless. Living on the street, talking to myself. One of the forgotten people.
If I had a gun, there would be a murder suicide here. Maybe not, maybe just murder. I am not well. Maybe I will send an email to my doctor. I have to send one anyway about my ambien and klonopin. I have had such trouble sleeping, that I have been taking 2 pills instead of one. I'll be out soon, then I'll have nothing to help me sleep. Of course, I could always drink some wine. But, I can't afford that either.
Life, right now, fucking sucks!! I don't know what kind of sick game God is playing with me, but I wish He would knock it off. FUCK YOU!!!
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