Well, here it is March 10th 2017. I have finally pulled out of this depressive episode that left me bed-ridden. This episode started on November 30th 2016. That's a little over 3 months of lies, trickery and negative thoughts running through my head. I probably should have been in the hospital for the better part of it. I hit rock bottom. I no longer cared for myself or anyone else. I held the pill bottles in my hand on more than one occasion.
But, I put them away, and managed to get through it. I saw my doctor, my therapist and communicated with my support group. I also have come to terms with the fact that I will have this disease for the rest of my life. There is no cure. So, I will have to battle the demons in my mind again. I can only hope it will not be for a long time.
In the meantime, I am making plans. I am actively seeking employment. I have applied for 12 jobs. I've heard back from 4. Most of them thank me for applying, and they will get back to me. I know I won't hear from them, but it's better than nothing. There is a great job I would love if it existed. I would love to be the office manager for Speak for Animals. But, they run strictly on volunteer basis.
I have decided that I want to live on my own. I have applied for housing assistance, but I am on the waiting list.
I want a job that pays at least $35k per year, with health, dental, vision and a 401K plan. That is not a fantasy to my way of thinking, but around here you'd think I was asking to be paid in gold. I want enough money to have a nice clean apartment, pay my bills, and have food, cable, internet and some furniture. Is that asking too much? I don't think so. I truly believe I am worth that much.
Oh boy! I almost forgot to tell you that I had lunch with someone. I actually have a friend! Her name is Susan, and she's near my age. We had lunch at Panera Bread, and I had such a good time talking with her. We talked about my illness mostly. I don't mind talking about my illness, the more I talk about it the less power it has over me.
I have to call my dad today. He had an MRI on his hip last week. He may need surgery. If he does, then I am going up there to take care of him. He'll tell me he doesn't need any help, but I don't care, I'm still going. Hopefully, it won't be until next week or the week after. I get my disability on the 15th, so it will have to wait until then.
I know that the Michigan family will look out for him, but this time he is alone in the house without Gail, so he's going to need someone. I won't pack a whole suitcase, just an extra pair of jeans and a couple of shirts and underwear. Plus, I have to take my medication. I love being around my dad, he is so easy going. Not like here,where I have to be on guard all the time. I have been calling my aunt "the bitch" in my head. I know it's terrible, but something about her I don't trust. That's why I hardly talk to her. She has a way of putting things that tear down my self esteem.
Well, I guess that's all for now. It's Lent and I am gradually weaning myself off cigarettes. I hope to be smoke free for Easter. It will be a year on March 26th that I was baptized into the catholic faith.
It's been a rocky road. But, I am back to praying the rosary, and reading my bible everyday. It brings with it a sense of peace. Maybe I should have become a nun. Oh well, I guess not, because I have a feeling God is going to bring love into my life this year. Can't wait to meet him, I hope he's tall.
Peace, Joy, Love - B
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