Acceptance and Hope

After careful deliberation and planning, I have abandoned the idea of taking my life.  It was pretty close there for the past week.  I have closed myself off to all human contact and communication.  I avoided touching people, I could not look anyone in the eye.  I truly wanted to die.  But something happened today that gave me a new perspective.  I went to confession for the first time in 2 months.

I told the priest of my pain and anguish and how I felt God had forsaken me.  He told me in very simple terms that it was me that failed to open my heart to God, and it's true.  I did not trust Him to answer my prayers.  He told me that God listens to our hearts and hears our sufferings.  Sometimes, however, God leaves us to carry our cross for our own good.  I am not exactly sure why God left me so over-burdened, but apparently he has a plan for my life.  It may be that it is my lot in life to suffer so that I may reach out to others and help them.  If that's what it is, I accept that.

So, I have decided to stop fighting the bipolar.  I will take each episode as it comes and do what I can to make it through.  Maybe my life will be a lesson to someone else with this horrible illness.  Maybe that person will look at me and know that through my darkest times, I did not give up.  Maybe I am supposed to be alive for that purpose.

Jesus did not promise us paradise on earth, but only in the next life when He returns.  Until then, I will just have to bide my time and reach out for little scraps of happiness.  I will try to face each day with expectation instead of dread.  If I can function that day, great! If not, I will try to fulfill my activities of daily living the best I can.  It's okay to sleep all day, and it's okay if I cry a lot.  There will be those kinds of days.  Truth be told, I am tired of trying to meet everyone's expectations of me.  I must learn to accept myself as I am and be satisfied.  I will try to participate in the world, but the world will have to just suck it up if I would rather be alone.  

I am still in a deep depressive episode, and I don't know when it will end.  I am trying to engage.  For instance, going to confession today was huge for me.  I just want to make it to mass tomorrow.  I will not be dressed well.  I'll be lucky to remember to brush my hair, but that is tomorrow's goal.  I will take my meds as prescribed and hope for the best.  That's all I have right now is hope.  My name is Beverly, and I have a mental illness.  I hope tomorrow is better than today.  Peace, Joy, Love - B