Sometimes, well, a lot of times I look at people, and I wonder what their lives are like. I see them with their happy faces, watch them with animated conversations, or just walking along. I wonder where their going, where they've been, what their thinking about. I don't judge them, but I often wonder what's beneath the surface.
Are they as unhappy as I am? Is there pain and longing in their lives too? I'm certain that the answers to these questions is yes, but what makes them go on with their lives? What's the secret? I read the posts of my Facebook friends, and I get so jealous. Why does she have a love and I don't? What gives that person a right to be so happy and have children and pets and a good job, when I know some of the darkest deeds they have committed? When is it going to be my turn to find such fulfillment?
Am I undeserving of love? Am I so undesirable, that no one can look at me? Am I invisible? I like to think that I am a good person. Yet, day after day, I end up alone in my room pondering the mistakes that I've made, and listening to the voices in my head. I have told myself that these voices are liars. I know that I am not an ugly, stupid person with nothing to give. I can feel my heart overflowing with the emotions that rage inside me. I would be a wonderful wife, friend and lover. I have something to give.
But, what if I am just fooling myself and the voices are true. Will I die alone? Am I destined to be untouched by the warmth of a hand in mind or kissed with tenderness? I honestly don't know. I have tried to be friendly and courteous to people I meet. I have shared smiles and flirted when I see an attractive man. I have made casual conversation to other people in hopes of making a friendship connection. But, nothing has come of it.
Sometimes, I think to myself, I will just go to a bar and pick up some stranger like a whore. But, that's not what I want. Besides, I am limited on what I can drink, and I don't really like bars. Maybe I will go to a sports bar for the Superbowl. I like football a lot, even though there are somethings I don't understand. I could meet some people that way. I could try one of those meet up sites where you find a group of people who share common interests.
Sometimes, I think about going back to partial hospitalization just so I could have some people to talk to. Yes, that's how lonely I am. I have been spending a lot of my days living in my fantasy world. It passes the time. In my daydreams, I am beautiful, I am brilliant and I have a husband and six children. My first pregnancy was quadruplets, twin girls and twin boys. My second pregnancy resulted in twins also, a girl and a boy. My husband and I want a very large family, so we are going to get pregnant again. My name is Primrose, and my husband is Henry.
Henry is tall, gentle, kind, athletic, funny, smart and loyal. He thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world. We have fabulous sex. It is tender, passionate and spontaneous. We often get lost in each others eyes, tuning out the whole world. Most people comment that they have never seen two people so in love. Our children are very gifted and polite. Victoria loves music. Lorelai loves to dance. Jared likes to build things, and Darius just wants to fly. The two youngest, Skylark and Sebastian love to paint and read.
Henry is a world renowned cardiothoracic surgeon, and Primrose is an astrophysicist. She has been nominated for a Nobel Prize, and has worked with Stephen Hawking. While they are very busy people, both enjoy spending as much time with the family as possible. The do have two nannies and a housekeeper, and live in a 12 bedroom estate in the country. There is a lake, a fountain and a glorious garden. There is also a stable and barnyard. They have 2 dogs, 2 cats and a bird.
Sounds perfect doesn't it? Well, it is. That's why I spend so much time there. I'd rather be there than here. My world is cold, lonely and dark. There, everyone is shiny and happy. Sure, Primrose and Henry have disagreements, and the children misbehave, but it always works out in the end. Not like real life where things can fall apart around you and your left standing by yourself feeling like a complete fool.
I've never told anyone about my fantasy life before. I don't know why I am telling you now, except for the fact that I so want it to be true. Is it the Cinderella complex? I don't think so. My other world is not magical, it's just happier and full of the things that I desire . They say is you believe in a thing you can achieve it. Well, I believe in love. How long do I have to wait to achieve it? Oh well, I guess I'll step into the real world for a moment. I have to pee. After that, a little time on the porch with Henry and the children as I have my cigarette. I leave you all to lead your own lives, where ever they may be. Peace, Joy, Love - B
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