The past week has been a nightmare. I am in a full blown depressive episode. I sleep all the time, and when I am not sleeping, I am crying. My mom says it's just post-holiday blues, but it's bigger than that. I don't want to be here. I wish I had never been born.
I am in physical pain as well as mental. Every muscle in my body hurts. My joints ache. I wish I could just make the pain go away. The only good thing is that I am not hallucinating. I had to miss the first class of the new semester at school because I am basically non-functional. I finally took a bath last night after 5 days of not bathing or brushing my teeth. I have worn the same clothes for a week. It just takes too much effort.
I am isolating like crazy. I spend most of my time in my darkened room. I have ventured out for meals and to talk and cry to my mom. Other than that, I am alone. I hate myself right now. There is a group on Facebook for people with bipolar, so I've been posting there. I have seen my therapist this week, and my doctor today. There has been a medication change. I go back to my therapist next week and my doctor in 2 weeks. So much for being stable.
I saw my medical doctor this week also. My diabetes is well managed, but I have an eye infection on top of everything else. So, I am on antibiotics until that clears up. This downward spiral began at the end of November, and has just gotten worse. There wasn't anything I could do about it because I was broke. That's 3 months in a row I have mismanaged my money. It's so stressing that it's making me sick. I had a panic attack yesterday. It took my mom a half hour to talk me down. My aunt doesn't get it, so she's no comfort.
There are some days that I actually feel good. But, they are few and far between. I had wanted 2017 to start out on a really positive note, but that didn't happen. Even when I visited my father, I was so depressed. I isolated from him too. I feel a lot of guilt about that. All I did most of the time is sleep.
Once in a while, we went out to the store. Mostly, we just stayed in because Michigan is so cold and windy, and we got snow. The snow was nice.
I applied for 2 part-time jobs online the other day. I don't know why I did it, as I am in no way ready to work and go to school. I have an assignment due tomorrow for my online class, but I don't have the book yet. I had to order it. I have no motivation to get it done anyway. I really don't care at this point if I get a zero on it. I'm too busy fighting for my life.
I haven't been to mass in 6 weeks. I just feel like my spirit is dying. I pray all the time, but I don't think God is listening to me right now. I guess I am being punished. I'll do my best to make it to Adoration tomorrow night, and mass this week. I have to go to confession. I did commit a sin. I stole a bottle of laxatives from the store. I wonder what my penance will be.
I'm tired. Just bone tired. I don't know what to do anymore. Suicide is not an option, but I think about it lately, which is never a good sign. I'm not going to the hospital, that's all I know. I've been here too many times to count, and have weathered the storms. I guess I'll get through this one too.
Peace, Joy, Love - B
No comments:
Post a Comment