Right now it is the middle of night, and I have an overwhelming desire to clean the refrigerator. I mean an intense need. I'm fighting it with all my might. The fridge does need to be cleaned out. I should have done it earlier but I kept putting it off. Now, it's all I can think about.
I'm in a manic state. I can't sleep, I have no appetite. I barely ate today. I kept sweeping the floors, and polishing the furniture. I managed to convince Erica to get out the Halloween decor from the garage. I put up the decorations. I cleaned up the kitchen 3 or 4 times, I forget. I will do it again tomorrow. I will clean out the fridge and mop the floor.
I don't know what else to do. I went out for a walk 3 times today. I took Kyber out in the morning and this evening, and walked to the mail box. I even took some trash to the dumpster. I was out of cigarettes, so I was pacing around the house driving everyone crazy. I did my laundry today. I folded it and put it away as soon as it was done.
I watched a movie; The Towering Inferno. I couldn't finish it. I was too restless. I just had to keep moving. I would love to take a drive right now. I would love to walk right now. However, it's past midnight so I'm kind of stuck. I'm thinking that if I'm really quiet, I can clean out the fridge without waking up anyone.
I could file my paperwork. I have a file that I keep all my papers in until I put it in the accordion file. Maybe I'll do that. Of course, I should save it for the weekend. It's supposed to storm all day on Saturday, so maybe I should do everything then. Maybe I'll clean out my car tomorrow. It's rather messy. Okay, so that's a plan for tomorrow. I have to take April to the doctor at 8:45. I don't know if I'll get any sleep. I'm wide awake.
I Have something to do for therapy. I'm supposed to figure out what my life would be like if my mom was still alive. I think I'd be much happier. I'd visit her once a month and talk to her on the phone everyday. I'd tell her about my job and school. She'd cheer me on telling me I can do anything I set my mind to. She'd tell me to relax and talk me down from my panic attacks.
I think I'd have a different life. I wonder what I want my life to be like. I had thought about being a nun, but I like things too much. Of course, I would make the sacrifice to give up worldly possession. I don't know if I could do that. I applied for a job at another vet hospital. I'm really hoping to hear from them next week. I'd like to start right away. I don't know if I will give Delta any notice. They might just say no, you can quit today. I have to have an exit interview I think.
I'll find out when I go back to work what my position is. If I'm still listed as a associate customer advocate, I'm not going to do level 2 work anymore or take the calls. Put me back on the provider only phone queue. So, far my pay rate is still $18.37 an hour. The animal hospital pays $19.
Okay, my brain is starting to slow down. I downloaded an audiobook, maybe I'll listen to it. I like listening to music too. I don't know what I'm doing. My shoulder is killing me. I just popped some Tylenol. I hope it works soon. I need another cigarette. God, I hate being manic. At least with depression I get my rest. lol
Peace - B
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