Introduction

About Me

Hello,

My name is Bev and I am new to this, so please excuse any blunders I make along the way.

I go by Lion Girl because I have always loved lions. I think that they are the most beautifully, dangerous animals. Just the way they move, so proud and liquid. They are honest. If they intend to eat you, you will know it. Not phony acts of friendship or sympathy. Just a ferocious and terrible ending to the hunt. Add to that that I happen to be a Leo, and there you go.

I don't know how much to tell and what to leave out. I guess I'll start with the facts. I am 50 yrs old. I live in South Carolina. I am a spinster having never been married or engaged. I don't know why that is. It just is. I have bipolar II disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD. I also have type II diabetes, and am a smoker. I am trying to quit smoking, but I have nothing else to do with my hands. Once I figure out what to do instead that might make it easier. I don't smoke in the house. I am banished to the porch. You see, I live with my mom and aunt. Both in their 70's. Enough said.

I don't know where my mental illness comes from, but I think it's a combination of genetics and environment. My mom has a disorder, and I had some pretty horrendous things happen to me in my childhood. Since, I was very young, I learned to disappear. I may be in a room with you, but in my mind I am far away. Sometimes I am someone else in my mind, but other times I am just floating around waiting to catch the wisp of a dream. I don't have multiple personality disorder, but if I have a far off look in my eye, I have left you. 

My bipolar moods tend to be more depressive than manic. When I am manic I am extremely energetic, can go without sleep and get a lot of things done. I know when I am manic because it is always accompanied by a tremendous headache and fast speech. Then I crash, and sleep for 2 days.

The depression is worse because it sneaks in the dark spaces of my mind like the Bogey man. I get very tired, don't want to eat, don't want to wash, don't clean up anything and just sleep. Sleeping is easier than moving, because it hurts to breathe let alone do anything. It is an empty hollow feeling. I'm not angry, sad or upset. I am just numb. I feel nothing except a sense of quiet desperation for a chance to feel something. 

I've attempted suicide 3 times in my life by overdosing. Each time I woke up the next day and thought "great, you can't even do this right. I've been hospitalized 10 times in my life that I can remember. I've been in therapy since I was 22 yrs old. I know you're probably thinking that I must have had terrible therapist to be in treatment this long. But it doesn't quite work that way. In the past 2 years, someone has been helping me with emotions and how to deal with them. I am learning life skills, which is what I didn't have before. I've had to go through a lot and learn a lot of lessons about myself before I could reach this point. I have now been stable for a little over a year.

I don't loathe myself anymore. I love who I am, flaws and all. I am short, overweight,and black. I used to hate being black, but that's a story for another time. Well, that's all I can think of right now. I hope it was interesting. I plan on writing something everyday. But if I don't, it's only because I can't think of anything to say. Be at peace.