I have a friend. His name is Chan. He lives in Colorado now. He is in deep trouble. He left a video on his Facebook page telling all of his friends goodbye. He tried to commit suicide today. I hope he did not succeed.
I met him on an October day in Pennsylvania. It was during one of my hospital stays for depression. I noticed him right away. He has an open, warm inviting face, a shy smile. He was 20 then, not more than a boy. He has been battling anxiety and depression for most of his short life. From what I understand, he did not have a good childhood. None of us did.
Chan likes to draw. He is very talented. I told him he should go to graphic arts school. He just laughed it off. He doesn't think he is worth the trouble, but he is worth it. He has a kind, generous, loving spirit. It has just been hurt a lot. People with the biggest hearts are often hurt the most. We care too much, we love too much and we are too kind. So people take advantage.
I didn't talk much when I was in the hospital with Chan, but when I did speak, he listened. He told me that I was a good person. This was very hard to accept giving what I felt of myself. But it started a spark within me.
Chan is a very handsome young man. He reminds me of my nephew a lot. The way he walks, talks and laughs. So, I grew to love Chan. I think of him as the son I could never have. I only wish he would talk more about his feelings. I don't have his number, and he doesn't have mine. I only know him through space and time on Facebook.
He has a room mate, whom I hope found out in time. I want Chan to be some place safe, where he can sit and read all the messages on his wall. I want Chan to wake up tomorrow and say Fuck! Pardon the language, but I want him to get mad and fight the demons in his mind that have forced him into such a dark place. I want him to see the sun, and know that he is part of that light. Like it or not, we have illnesses, and our particular illness talk to us when we are alone and say bad things. I want to teach Chan how not to believe the lies his mind tells him.
He said in his video that he was a coward until the very end. That is not true. A coward does not fight like he fights. Cowards go down and stay down, but that is not Chan. He packed up and moved to Colorado several months ago and got a good job. That is not a coward. He had a girlfriend. Cowards don't put their hearts out there.
I want him to know that I think he is very special. I told him, but I don't think I said it enough. In the end, it is all up to Chan. I hope he survives, because if he doesn't, one of the stars in my night sky will go out. I hope this pray is not too late, but Father God, send Chan back to us. It is not his time. He has too much life to live yet. Please be with him on this journey, give him the strength, the courage and the will to fight one day at a time. I will help in any way I can. In Jesus Holy name I pray
Amen
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