Token

I have always been the token black girl in almost every situation that I encountered.  What does that mean? Basically, I've always been the only black in the room.  I was in integrated classes until high school.  In high school, I was often the only black in my class.  I was ostracized by my own race. 

I was told from early childhood that I acted and talked like a white girl.  I still to this day do not no what that means.  I guess it's because I didn't talk in the local black dialect of the blacks in my town.

I grew up in a blended neighborhood.  When I was little most of my friends were black. But then for some reason that I still do not know, they turned on me.  I was bullied to the point that they were spitting on my door. I at one point thought they were trying to kill me. This is another piece of the puzzle that contributed to my sense of guilt, shame and loneliness. 

So I went outside of my neighborhood, just a few blocks away really.  I met a couple of new girlfriends.  All were white.  I went over their houses, they never came over to mine.  But still, I didn't mind.  I just wanted someone to play with.  The black kids in my neighborhood then accused me of trying to be white.  What did that mean!?  I really don't know.  It's not like I took to wearing different clothes or fixing my hair differently.  I was just being myself.  Again, this contributed to my lack of self worth.  

I had to suffer with this inner racial segregation all through elementary school.  I wish I knew what I did or said to make the others treat me that way.  But it was what it was.  By the time I got to middle school, all my friends were white.  I hung out with them, went on sleepovers with them, and ate lunch with them.  The black kids seemed to hate me even more.  I hated them right back.  I could not help the way I talked, walked and dressed.  It was not my fault that I didn't know the current slang, or sway my hips.  I don't have much of a butt to begin with, so how was I supposed to sway.  I had good posture and got good grades.

It was in high school where I really became the token. I was the only black in ALL of my classes.  The white kids liked me a lot. A few even said that I didn't act or sound black.  That seemed to provide them with some sense of relief. You see, call me ignorant but I still have no idea of how a black person is supposed to talk or act.  If it's like the people of the inner cities, or low income people that I see on the news, then no I don't talk or act like them.  I have even developed my own dislike of black people.  I don't trust a group of young black men any more than a white woman would.  The difference is, I don't cross the street.  I walk by and smile and say hello.  I do know this much about black people, we have an unwritten code of conduct which includes acknowledgement of each other. I have never been accosted by a group of black men, they just smile back and say "how you doin'?"

My singular representation of blacks followed me to college, where I was one of two in our class.  Contrary to what other people thought, we did not become instant friends.  We did not show signs of solidarity.  She was an individual unknown to me, plus we were in different dorms. Should we have sought each other out?  In hindsight, that probably would have been a good idea.  At least then I wouldn't have to explain my hair to anyone. My room mate in college had never actually met a black person before.  We had started writing to each other before school started.  It was an effort to get to know each other better before school started.  We exchange pictures, and she was surprised to learn that I was black and proceeded to tell me why.  She lived in an Irish neighborhood in the city, and blacks simply didn't go there. 

I still represent black people everywhere today.  I am catholic. I go to a an predominately white church.  I think I've seen three other blacks there.  I just assume they are because they have brown skin, they could be Latino.  At any rate, I took a look around at mass tonight and thought, here I am again, the only black in the room.  When we get to the part in the mass where we wish each other peace, I can honestly say I was never met with hostility.  I am greeted with enthusiasm. It is the same with job interviews. I have a mini interview on the phone.  When I go to the office for the official interview, the human resource person seems so happy to see me. I have caught a couple of double takes.  I always get jobs I apply for, because I am black, a woman, and can speak well.  I fulfill two of the requirements for diversity being a black, and being a woman.  The ability to carry on an intelligent conversation is just a bonus. 

Sometimes, I get tired of being the token black.  Sometimes, I wish there were other black people that are exactly like me.  I'm sure they are out there, I just don't see them hanging around the library.  I suppose I should widen my scope.  I have two other black people in one of my classes, but they are in their early twenties.  Quite frankly, twenty year olds annoy me.  I want to find some black people my own age, who are smart, well-spoken and share similar beliefs.  I have no idea what to do.  

You'll notice that I refer to myself as black, not African-American.  I at no time in my life or for that matter any of my earlier ancestors lived on the continent of Africa.  I am an American.  I happen to be black, so if you must label me, please just say that I am black.  Thank you, I just wanted to get that off my chest. If anyone reading this can relate, please comment.  As the only black in the room, I need all the help I can get.

Bev