Dreams

Maybe Dreams isn't a good title for this post. Maybe it should have been goals. Anyway, I think I'll leave it as it stands. It's about what I wanted to be when I was younger. I look at my high school yearbook picture, and I think "what a pretty girl, so young, so innocent, her eyes filled with hope for the future." I think of it now, and just shake my head. I wish I knew then what I know now. If I could go back in time with my 50 year old wisdom and 16 year old dreams I would. Who wouldn't? For a lot of my dreams it's too late. Remember, I didn't think I'd live past 45. But, I'm still here, and I'm still trying to figure out my life.
When I was 8 years old, I decided that I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be an OB/GYN. I thought of nothing else but bringing babies into the world. I had declared it and it gave my parents a lot of joy. It came with the knowledge that I would be the first one on my father's side of the family to go to college. That was a lot of pressure on a young person, but I took it on myself to make it come true.
I excelled at school. All of my classes were advanced classes. All except math. I didn't care to much for math. I finally figured it out in algebra. Don't think about so hard, just plug in the formulas and let the numbers do what they may. From then on, I got straight A's. I graduated with honors, was inducted into the National Honor Society, and was recognized by the Natiional Merit Foundation as an Outstanding Negro Student. There was a press release in the paper and everything. I was on my way.
I got accepted to Wellsley, but didn't go because I didn't get enough scholarship money or student loans to cover it. It is a regret that carry to this day.
I went to Immaculata University where I was a pre-med major. I did great with all my classes the first year, but the bipolar reared it's ugly head in the middle of my sophomore year. So, came home and never went back. I stayed in the house for 6 months. That was one dream down. So, what to do?
I got a job as a bank teller, and was doing okay, until I found a better offer paying claims for an insurance company. It was fun because I got to use the medical jargon I had learned in anatomy class. I did pretty well, made a best friend, and generally liked my job. Then my parents were splitting up and I was caught in the middle, so I ran. All the way to Washington state. My sister who was married to a Navy man was station up there. I called her from work, bawling my eyes out asking her if I could come live with her, her husband and daughter. She checked it all out and told me I could come.
I packed up all my belongings in my car and made the trek from Pennsylvania to Washington. It took a week, but it was the best trip of my life. It broke my mother' heart that I left, but I had to get away.
I got a job with another insurance company, discovered Starbucks vanilla lattes. I met a couple of men who used me like toilet paper, but I moved on. Then another depression hit and and I locked my self in my tiny apartment for eight weeks. I had to go to the hospital. It didn't help, all they did was fill me up with drugs. I spent 4 years at tat job and had to take 2 leaves of absence for that job.
My sister then informed me that her husband had been transferred to Georgia. I tried to find an apartment in the city where I worked but it was a bust. Another dream down.
So I down to Georgia, for a job just across the state line in Jacksonville. I got my own place and lived there happily for 5 years. Then the bipolar kicked in with a vengeance and this time the employer wasn't so kind. After 2 cycles of mania and an explosion of depression I left that job and went back. to Pennsylvania. I met a few guys, but all they wanted was sex. So, our affairs lasted 3 months tops. My dreams of marriage ad family started to fade.
I had always picture my life ask having a nice guy and four beautiful boys. That dream is over. But I am going back to school to get my bachelor's degree. So that dream was delayed. Hopefully, more of my dreams will come true. I can only hope and pray, but that is enough for now.

Bev