Sunday, April 10, 2016
Suicide's Child
There is a saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That is true. The problem is temporary. But the feelings behind the problem can seem terminal. There is nothing else like mental illness. It does not just happen. It creeps up on you like a stalking predator. Other diseases are definite and acknowledged by the public. Other disease receive support and have multi-million dollar corporations behind them. But not mental illness. The research is not there, the government support is not as much as say diabetes or cancer. For those illnesses one becomes prepared for the outcome. The effects are well documented; the symptoms are more defined and treatment is well known. But not mental illness.
The mentally ill are social pariahs. They are the lost, disenfranchised people of the medical world. It is difficult to diagnose mental illness. It's symptoms vary from person to person. What's more,m a person can have two or more diagnoses at the same time. It is possible to have depression, general anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder at the same time. Furthermore, mental illness is hard to treat. There are limited drugs to treat it. Plus finding the right one or combination of drugs is hard to find.
It's really a roll of the dice, finding the right drug combination. I am currently on seven different medications to treat my disorders. That's another thing. Mental illnesses aren't seen as diseases. They are called disorders, as if by some magic power the disease can just be dismissed as something not real. I have rapid cycling bipolar II, general anxiety, PTSD and auditory hallucinations. Sometimes, I have visual hallucinations, but that depends on what is happening in my mind. I call them the Shadow People.
I have even tried ECT or electric convulsive therapy. Also know as electro-shock therapy to the ignorant. Contrary to many movies and TV shows, ECT is a painless treatment. The patient is sedated and there is an nurse and anesthesiologist on hand to make sure everything goes according to plan. The electrodes are placed on the side and/or top of your head, and the doctor gives a shock that convulses your body, giving you a seizure. The electric shock is supposed to transmit signals to your brain, in effect "rebooting" your brain, so that the neurotransmitters proceed in normal brain waves. The worst effect I ever had was a bad headache. This stopped the hallucinations and negative thought patterns for a year. I had sixteen treatments. Some people have a series of treatments, then have maintenance treatments once a month.
Despite what people think it is not a barbaric treatment anymore that chemotherapy is. It is often considered as a last resort for those occasions when drug therapy shows no result. However, it is not a cure. I wish it was.
I have tried to kill myself 3 times. Each time in the middle of an unbelievable crushing depression. It wasn't just because I had sad thoughts. It was because I felt nothing. I was so empty, and hollow inside that I felt there was no reason to go on. I didn't love anyone, least of all myself. I felt myself a burden to my family, and a hopeless case as far as my treatment was concerned. I felt that suicide would be better for everyone. It would be better for me, because the paralyzing pain would stop, and better for the people who knew me, because they wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. People don't commit suicide because they are cowards or selfish. They commit suicide because there seems to be no end to their pain.
The pain is unending. It is mental, emotional and physical. Your body is racked with a pain so intense that it hurts to breathe. Your mind is full of the most horrible thoughts of guilt and shame, and an anxiety so intense that you can swear the people around you can feel it. Mentally, your mind is a roller coaster. One minute you can see the slightest glimmer of hope, only to fall into the black hole of memory. Suicide is often non-violent. It is not a mad man shooting up the room, but it is the calm decision of an individual who has simply had enough. The lone person inhabiting the planet.
The problem with being mentally ill, is that there are no news making marches to raise awareness. There is the month of September which is mental illness awareness month, but it is not a news worthy item. No celebrity wears the green ribbon. Mental illness is still a taboo subject. Those who are mentally ill are still subject to abuse, ridicule and discrimination. People would just like us to go away. But instead of doing that, you should open your arms and give someone with a mental illness a hug. Even though we may shy away from you, all we really want is some kind of human contact.
Right now of this moment, I am stable. But it is a struggle to carry-on with the daily activities of life. Getting out of bed is a struggle. Remembering to bathe is often met with resentment. Sometimes, when I am manic, I forget to eat. It is really a never ending choice to remain alive.
Suicide is no longer an option for me. I can only hope that the drug combinations remain as they are, somewhat affordable, and working. I have lifelines now. Support people that I know I can rely on when the bad times come; and they will come. But, I am better equipped to handle them now through therapy. I know how to recognize my symptoms, and what my triggers are. Sometimes I can beat them back, sometimes I can't. But I won't let the plunge me into the cold abyss of depression or the confusion and terrifying mania. I am a suicide survivor, and I have chosen to live.
Bev
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