Love

I want to be in love. Being loved was a constant struggle for me. I never thought myself worthy.

Who would want a fat, ugly, stupid girl like me anyway? I even thought that God couldn't love me. But I was wrong. I am worthy of love, I may be fat but I am not ugly, and definitely not stupid. I have a pretty heart-shaped face, I nice nose, slightly flat but not wide, nice plump lips, that are naturally dark rose in color. I have a great, and easy smile. So why is it that I can't find someone to love me. I mean a true love, the kind that leaves you breathless. Point of fact, I want a husband. I want to hold hands, kiss, snuggle, give and get hugs and good sex is a must. But why do I always seek and never find? It is a question that has perplexed me since I was 14. All my friends seemed to matched up with somebody, but I was always the cheese that stood alone. I've never had a real boyfriend. So, I've never been married, engaged or gone steady. 

I've had 5 lovers in my life. None of them were good men. They were all liars, boastful and full of hatred towards women. Why did I choose these men? I can only say that I was so desperate to be loved by someone, I convinced myself that they had better qualities than they possessed. One guy was verbally abusive. Fortunately, I got out from under his thumb very quickly. I had been abused enough in my life, I didn't want anymore. 

I have been in love once in my life. I was 15. He really liked me a lot, but I was too caught up in  my dysfunction to notice. A part of me will always love him. We still keep in touch, but I am strictly in the friend zone. I even sent him flowers for Valentine's Day, but that was a bust. So, I am like a lioness on the move again, searching for her next kill. 

Maybe men can smell my hunger. It exudes from me like an odor. Or maybe it is in my eyes, saying "please love me". I don't know. I see some couples and wonder why in the world are those two together? I try to keep my heart open to all possibilities, I don't want to exclude anyone. 

I do have my standards. He must be at least 6 ft. tall, have nice teeth, and be well groomed. I am open to long hair, beards, dreads, or bald. He must be Catholic for I want to be married in the Church. He can be any ethnicity, and fairly good looking. I am a little wary when it comes to finances. I would like him to have a well paying job, but right now, I am a part-time student on disability. So, I can't really say much. 

I would have loved to have children. I always saw myself with 4 boys. But now it is too late. The cruelty of time has dried up my reproductive system. Unless, I can be like St. Elizabeth and conceive in my old age through a miracle from God. I don't count it out, you never know what He can do. I am certainly open to adoption. My husband and I could adopt a couple of siblings.

I must admit, I do have my eye on someone. He goes to my church. I was thrilled last week, when we shook hands and said "peace be with you". He always comes alone, and there is no ring on his finger. Maybe if God allows it I will introduce myself or be bold and sit next to him. Yikes!!!

So there you have it, I am a middle aged woman on the prowl. Spread the word if you know anyone who is in need of an overweight, pretty, smart, creative and loving, caring, bipolar girl. I ask you to pray for me too. I need all the help I can  get. Have a great night. Talk atcha tomorrow!

Bev