I took my final exam in computer science class today. I got 62.9%. I was hoping to pass. I studied the module and did well on my chapter tests. But this was a timed test and I don't do well on timed tests. The test was on Access. I failed. So now I feel stupid. All my life my grades have been important to me. It was how I measured myself. Nothing below an A was acceptable.
I was an honors student all through middle school and high school. I got one bad grade on a paper in my high school psychology class, and my world fell apart. I didn't know it then, but that's where the bipolar started to reveal itself. I had to do everything perfectly or else I was a complete and utter failure. Getting a C on a test was the same as getting a F. I felt like I might as well not even have tried. That attitude followed me to college.
In high school, I was in advanced classes. I got honors all 4 years. I was known as one of the smart kids. When I got to college, things were different. I wasn't so special anymore. There were other students just as smart or smarter than I was. I set myself up for failure. I was determined to get an A on every exam and homework assignment. I was in a constant state of anxiety. The first year was fine, it was just a do over of my senior year of high school. The first semester of my sophomore year was good too. But then, I had to get a job to help pay for school. I was missing my parents. After that, I don't remember too much. I remember crying a lot, and not wanting to leave my dorm. All of my friends were white, and so was the faculty.
The first time I lost control was in religious studies class. I went to a catholic college. For some reason, I started crying and I couldn't stop. I went back to my dorm and told my classmates to tell the teachers I was sick. I managed to pull myself together for a couple of weeks, when I was in English literature class, it all hit the fan. I couldn't concentrate, so I wasn't paying attention. The teacher asked me a question, and when I could answer, she looked me dead in the eye and said "You're slipping". I burst into tears and ran from class. I never went back to her class, and whenever I saw her on campus I turned the other way. I ended up with an incomplete.
I was a pre-med major, and I had to take the make it or break it class of organic chemistry. I was in over my head. I got a D, but to move forward to med school a D in organic chem was not going to cut it. I tried to take it in the summer at community college, but it didn't help. I was drowning in a cesspool of depression. The weight of my failures had gotten to be too much. I dropped out at the end of my sophomore year. I guess now, in hindsight I could have changed majors, but I was going to be a doctor, that's all I had ever known.
I spent the summer in my room, sleeping, reading, listening to Pat Benatar. I felt like such a complete idiot. My parents didn't really know what to do with me. My mom took me to a psychiatrist, but I was misdiagnosed and the antidepressants weren't working.
I have always regretted dropping out. Went I went to collage in 2004 that was for an associates degree. Again, I had to be perfect, and I was. I graduated with honors. But I wanted a bachelors degree. That's why I am back at school now.
Do I still feel the need to be perfect. Yes and no. I want to get As and graduate with honors. But If I don't I guess it will be okay. The biggest thing will be getting the degree. I don't know if I'll ever use it. Not to many companies hire people over 50. I don't know when I'll graduate. Right now, I'm only part-time with 6 credit hours a semester. I'm afraid to carry more than 9 for fear of a manic or depressive episode. But we'll see. You know, I KNOW I'm not stupid. That's just an old thinking pattern that I have to constantly fight off. I know I've got what it takes. It's the fear of a bipolar episode that drags me down. I'm getting better at controlling them, but they still come. Sometimes I know if I've been triggered, sometimes I don't. It's the ones I miss that worry me. This illness is sneaky. It's like walking near the railroad tracks with your headphones on; by the time you hear the train it's too late.
Quite frankly, I'm tired of feeling stupid. It comes with a terrible shame. I wish there was a pill for it. I wish there was a pill for a lot of things in my life right now. But there isn't. I just have to fight it off minute by minute. I don't do day by day or even hour by hour. I take things at the moment because that's all I can handle. More than that and my body goes on high alert.
So, I am not stupid. My head knows that, can somebody find a way to tell my heart?
Peace,Love,Joy
Bev
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