Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Coming Out of the Dark

 

Well, the past few days have been dark for me. I'm not really sure why, but I think it has to do with the fact that I am lonely. I long for the touch of another human. Talking online is fine, but I need a hug once in a while. My body is actually starving for it. 

It started on Saturday. I was supposed to go to a skating party with some people from work. I was really looking forward to it. But when I go there the place looked run down and janky. I got there on time, but had to wait for 45 minutes until someone showed up from work. Of course, by that time my anxiety reared it's ugly head and I ended up leaving without going in. 

This was my second attempt at being social and it failed. I had wanted to volunteer with the Atlanta Food Bank, but I got all discombobulated driving in the city and couldn't find it, and parking was expensive. So, I just ended up driving home. That was my first attempt. I thought I do something for my community and be social, but no go. The second attempt was the skating thing. I am so ashamed of myself, and feel so bad that I couldn't accomplish my goal. 

Thirdly, I decided that I wanted to stop smoking. I lasted a whole 48 hours before caving in and buying a pack of cigarettes. Another failure, more shame. 

I got a life coach on this program they have at work. I'm trying to get more support to stop smoking and manage my weight. I managed to put on another 6 pounds from my week long smoke free existence. That was a few weeks ago. As a result, I ate everything to satisfy my oral fixation. It didn't work, and now I'm back up to 220 pounds. About 2 months ago I was 199 pounds. I'm going to speak to my endocrinologist about getting back on Ozempic. It worked well. 

I also have to get off my ass and start walking more. I got a fitness watch. So, I've been tracking my steps. My daily goal is 3000. I've only met it once. I got 4500 steps in last Saturday. I took a walk to Starbucks. It's about a mile or so up the road. 

So, you know, I know perfectly well how to pull myself out of dark places. It just talks so much effort. I just don't understand why I can't just do things like most people. I have to switch my whole mindset if I want to do even the slightest thing. I have talk myself into bathing. I have to get in the mood to cook nutritious meals. I have to put my mind on go just to walk the dog. 

I've decided to try something different. I'm going to date myself. I'm going to see a play and take myself to dinner. I'm going to see if I can find a club or something for people my age and go listen to some music maybe dance in the corner by myself. lol. I'm tired of being Miss Lonely Jeans. I want to have a few friends, and if I meet someone, okay. Meeting a man is not in my top ten priorities. 

There are times I miss Brad, my fuck buddy. We were good in bed together, but I had to spoil it but saying the "R" word. You guessed it; relationship. I just should have kept my mouth shut. 

I also am still trying to get my butt to church. I'm just going to go on Saturdays I think. I can't seem to make Sunday happen. April and Erica do things without me all the time. So, I guess I'll have to do things and not think about them so much. 

I want to reach a place of loving myself and being comfortable with myself within the next few months. I've been trying to plan a trip for us, but I'm not getting much input. I'll just have to plan the trip for me. I think I'll look up a singles travel group today. Then I'll look for some plays to see in my area. It's time I spent my days in the light, and save the dark for sleeping. 

Peace, Joy, Love-B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Never Ending Feeling

 

Okay, so for the past couple of months, I've been in my emotions. I've been depressed, I've been euphoric and I've been angry. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what's wrong, but I figured it out yesterday in my session with my therapist, Stephanie. 

The biggest reason I've been so emotionally over the place is simply because of all the dates that have reminded me of those I have lost over the past 4 years. I thought I was moving passed my grief, but it came up behind me and punched me in the head. 

December 21st is my father's birthday. I used to go and visit him for his birthday and stay until the new year. Christmas was very lackluster last year. Since we're in a tiny apartment, we couldn't decorate like we used to do. 

January 6th is the date of my dad's death. My Aunt Berta's birthday is January 10th. She was my favorite aunt. My mom died on February 26 and her birthday is April 4th. So, I have been bombarded with all of these memories. I thought I was doing okay, but apparently not so much. 

I've been having dreams about my mother. They are not pleasant dreams. They start out fine, but in the end we always end up fighting. I wake up angry. I feel bad because I'm not looking at these dreams as a beautiful visitation, but as a confrontation with her about her dying. I am still angry at her for leaving me. I don't blame her, you understand, I'm just angry because I didn't have time to prepare. I didn't get a chance to say a proper goodbye when she was alive. 

Stephanie says I need to forgive her and change my perspective. I need to look at my life now and compare it to how it was when my mom was still here. I had an extremely co-dependent relationship with my mom. I used to call her everyday, most of the time crying or feeling sad. I depended on her financially, emotionally and spiritually. Now that she's gone, I've had to depend on myself. I have to say it's been tough going. I have only now figured out how to manage my money at the age of 58. I have only now figured out how to bring myself out of a depression. I have only now begun to view myself as an adult. I fought it for the past 4 years but I think I'm making progress. 

The one thing I still need to work on is forgiveness of her. I can't look at her death with anger anymore. I simply must come to realize that she was 80 yrs old and she was sick. She did not leave me on purpose. She simply died. 

Stephanie also gave me a checklist to go over when I'm feeling overwhelmed and emotional. 

1. Relationship issues or lack thereof: I would like to be married, but it's no longer crucial to my happiness. I'm feeling alright. If I meet someone, that would be great, but if not, that's okay too. 

2. Finances and work issues: Like I said, I finally figured out my money. I'd like to make more money which is why I am being intentional at work because I want to be promoted. I am still a level 1 at work, and I want to be a level 2. However, I was just placed on verbal warning at work because of my call quality. I have taken steps to work on it, and feel I'm getting better. I still have work to do, but I am taking steps to be more aware of my job and what is expected of me. It's up to me to put in the work. I am excited to go to work now. I go into the office twice a week now. Mostly because of the quality issue, but also I find that I enjoy it. I have a better time talking to real people and not just listening to people on TV. 

3. Grief and Loss: I know that the grief I feel will always be with me. I know that the beginning of the year is difficult for me. I have to anticipate it going forward and adjust my feelings accordingly. 

4. Health: Oh my God, I need to just go in for a full body makeover. Something always hurts and the chronic pain is exhausting and depressing. There are days when I just don't want to get out of bed. But, I force myself to get up and take a hot shower on those days to get my blood pumping. I can take better care of myself I know. Like I could walk more, drink more water, start taking my vitamins again, etc. I would like nothing better than to stop taking my diabetes med, and blood pressure meds, but until I get off my butt and do something about it, it's going to be my routine. The trouble is that I'm just plan lazy. Self motivation is not my strong suit. 

5. Social Interactions or lack thereof: Let's face it, I have no friends. I know of a couple of people in the complex that I say hello to, but that's it. I have my coworkers, but I am not a friend of any of them. I suppose I could reach out to Arlita. She's about my age, and she's very sweet. I could also get off my ass and go to church every week. I don't know what the issue is there, but I haven't been to mass in several months. I am going to volunteer at the food bank this Saturday, I'm hoping to do it at least once a month. Also, our team is having a skating party on the 20th. I'm going, but I can't skate. I'll just play a few games and sit around and talk. I'm going to have a good time. 

So, there you go. Those are the things I discovered in my therapy session yesterday. It's a lot but it was very useful information. I'm going to write down some things I remember about my mom and dad, since I am beginning to fade on those things. Stephanie said to write it down in a letter or poem and keep it so that if I ever feel like I am losing my connection to them I can pull it out and feel better and not miss them so much. 

That is my struggle and it's a real struggle that I have to deal with every minute of my life. Each second thoughts crowd my mind, and I have to fight off the negative thoughts and bask in the glow of the positive thoughts. It's a beautiful day here today. I may take a walk. I'll let the sun shine on me for a while. Today is a good day. 

Peace, Love, Joy - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Off Center

 

It's 4:51 am EST. The rest of the world around me is still fast asleep. I can hear the sound of distant thunder from the Amazon Echo in the bedroom. Both my sister and niece are cocooned in their blankets, just hours to beginning another day. For me, yesterday never ended. One day has bled into the next and here I am, body aching and eyes strained from lack of sleep. I'll just take a hot shower and have a couple of cups of coffee. That will be my morning after they've left for work. 

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 84 yrs old. She's been gone 4 years now. I'm used to the idea of her not being here, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. Sometimes, when I dream about her, I wake up angry. I still get mad at her for leaving. In my mind, I both love her to infinity and  hate her with all of the intensity of a spoiled brat. 

I know that she is the reason I have been up all night. For the past month, I have been feeling this day creep it's way into the crevices of my brain. Feelings of worthlessness and doubt have popped into an otherwise routine life. I don't really have much to look forward to anymore. There is no family except for April and Erica, and there are times when I am still left out of the conversation. I don't mind really, the brief sprinkling of topics that I do hear them talk about are of no consequence to me and I find them to be quite silly. 

My brother is speaking to me again. Well, we actually haven't had a conversation, but I'm off of his shit list. I suppose I should thank him, because if it wasn't for him shutting me out, I wouldn't have learned to stand on my own. I'm doing an okay job. I still have no friends, and money is tight, but the rent is paid, we have electricity, car insurance and water. Our food is not as glamorous as it once was, as a loaf of bread now costs $4 or more. We have 3 animals to feed too. We did have 4, but one of our cats died a couple of weeks ago. Each of us grieved in our own way. I cried for a day. 

I've been feeling a little off for the past month or so. The chronic pain is depressing and I'm tired of going to doctors. I have an appointment with my therapist on Saturday just to talk things out. I haven't been able to concentrate until tonight as a matter of fact regarding my feelings and emotions. I can't quite figure out what's wrong with me. I suppose I am missing my parents but that doesn't feel like the issue. I miss my dad a lot, but I don't get angry thinking about him. 

There is an issue that is bothering me. I'm starting to forget little details about them. I still remember a lot, but somethings aren't as vivid. I can still hear my mom and my dad laugh, and that makes me smile because they both had a boisterous laugh as well as a very corny sense of humor. I remember my mom baking in the kitchen and the smell of vanilla and butter permeating the house. I see my self running down the stairs when I saw my dad drive in from work to great him at the door. There were family dinners and Sunday morning waffles. Trips to the mall were a Saturday night outing. But it the little stuff I'm having trouble recalling. 

I can't remember exactly what my mom's hands looked like. I forgot her favorite perfume. The only flower I know she liked were hydrangeas and I'm not positive about that. It's crap like that that has me feeling low. I didn't expect it to happen so soon. I suppose it would help if I had all my photo albums and letters, but they are locked up in the storage unit. That reminds me to call about the price of a garage. However, I want us to blow this place when our lease is up. I'm having some premonitions about winning the Powerball. If that's the case, I think I will stay here, and let April and Erica go on their merry way. 

My job is okay. I'm getting better at it. I'm still learning stuff. I'll be there 2 years in June. I'd like to be a level 2 by then. I was supposed to start training this month, but the powers that be decided that I was not ready. I must work on my consistency. I know how to do the job, and I'm good at it. It's just that I get lazy and don't try to keep all my balls in the air. I've done it before, so they know I can. Right now I'm on verbal warning for quality so I have to go to the office 2 days a week. It's not bad. It gets me out of the house at least. 

That's all for now. I guess it is. I guess I'll make myself some coffee. Today I will center myself and take my time. I will do my best in each moment. No one will be able to say that I didn't try. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Top? of the Morning

 

It's March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. I'm not Irish, so this holiday has never been a big deal for me. It has always seemed like a day where all people do is eat and drink beer. It's supposed to be a day of celebration for a saint, but I don't see it. 

My family is Scottish. my last name is Scottish. However, now that I think of it, I think my mom's maiden name is Irish. I'll have to do a little more investigation. So, maybe I'm Scots-Irish. In that case, top of the morning to you. 

The past 2 months have flown by, which after January is a rather nice surprise. I thought we would never get out of the first month of the year. There was a very large, dark cloud hanging over my head. I'm still kind of depressed. I'm just in a rut. I still have no friends, nothing to do in my free time. My niece gave me a couple of books to read, and I started them, but I'm also experiencing anxiety, which I haven't had in a few months. My anxiety has manifested itself orally. Meaning that I'm either eating, smoking or chewing bubblegum. My mouth is constantly moving. I can't stop. I feel so restless if I'm not doing something with my mouth. 

I ran out of my anti-psychotic for about a week and a half, and I'm taking meloxicam for pain. Meloxicam can increase appetite and decrease the sense of taste. So, as a result I've been craving sugar and spicy foods. I also ran out of Ozempic, so I gained back 5 pounds of the 20 I had lost. I see my doctor, endocrinologist, on the 22nd of April. 

I went to my orthopedist a couple of weeks ago and it turns out that the pain in my left shoulder is due to a rotator cuff problem. So, I'm in physical therapy. It's going okay, but my shoulder is really throbbing. It's also causing me problems in bed. I can't sleep on my left side because of my shoulder, I can't sleep on my right side, because it causes abdominal pain. I did something to my sacrum last week, so I can't sleep on my back, because that causes my legs to get numb. If I was a horse, I think I would have been put down by now. I had an endoscopy about my abdominal pain, I still have to look at the results, they sent them to my online patient portal. I kinda don't care anymore. I don't want anymore pills or shots or surgery. But something tells me that my back and shoulder will be going under the knife sometime this year. Like I said, getting old is a bitch. 

We had another death in the family. Our cat Zuko died on Thursday. He was lying in the sun on my bed and he died. He'd been sick for a while, and we knew it was coming, but it was still a shock. I took the day off. I called my sister when he died, and she called Erica. We all miss him a lot. He was very talkative, so it's eerily quiet around here, especially in the morning. He was our alarm clock. So, now we have 2 cats and a dog. my cat Zelda is missing her playmate and eating buddy. Zaybra doesn't seem phased, but Kyber isn't sure of his place. He was second banana to Zuko. Kyber is our dog. He's the youngest of our pets. He will be 3 in August. Zelda is going to be 4 on May 4th. Zaybra will be 10 in the fall. 

I finally got my budget straightened out. Fortunately, I got my taxes back early to pay for my March rent before they started eviction proceedings. I had to borrow $400 from my brother, but I'm paying him back this week. Yes, my brother is talking to me again. It's been about a year, but I don't bother him unless it's a last resort, plus it was only $400 and not $1400. At any rate, April's rent will be on time. Of course, I'm still behind on my car insurance and electric bill, but those will be paid this week too. 

My mom's birthday is on the 4th of April. I've been thinking of her off and on. The anniversary of her death came and went without any emotional upheaval. In fact, I didn't realize it until the next day. Which is good I guess. After last year, I'm not dwelling too much on the past. I'm just concentrating on each day as it comes. The anniversary of my dad's death went by without any stirrings either. It was just another day. 

I'm still waiting for my state taxes to come in the mail. For some unknown reason I indicated that I wanted a check, which is stupid. But it hasn't come yet, and waiting for that money so I can buy a new bed. Right now, I'm sleeping on a twin air mattress. It's a good air mattress, but it's not a real bed. 

Work is going well. I start training class for a level 2 agent on April 1st. Hopefully, it will lead to a promotion and a raise, which I hear is a pretty nice chunk of change. I've doing more and more level 2 stuff. My supervisor likes me a lot, and I simply adore her. I can talk to her about anything, and she knows about all my medical problems. She is so supportive and encouraging. 

I think I'm hitting the road next month to visit my Aunt Delores and Uncle Pree. I can only go for a weekend, but it will be nice to get out of the house and sleep in a real bed. 

Oh well, I guess that's all for now. It's time for coffee and a cigarette. I got up early and took the dog for walk and fed the cats. I also scooped the kitty litter. I do that when ever it gets too full, as our cats are rather finicky and don't like to use a dirty litter box. So I keep it fresh and clean for them. Sometimes, I think I work to make sure my pets have a certain lifestyle. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I'd like to come back as a pet that is treated as well as we treat ours. 

Take it easy, stay safe, and don't drink too much green beer. Peace, Joy, Love-B

 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The 75th day of January

 

Okay, is it just me, or is this the longest month ever? I feel like this month just keeps going on and on. Everyday is just spitting out the same thing from the day before. Nothing is different. I was kind of hopeful on New Year's Day that I would be able to accomplish some things this year but it doesn't look or feel like it. 

I'm constantly broke. I think I'm going to break down and see a financial advisor to help me budget. I've stayed away from Doordash and Amazon for a month and I still don't have enough money. I'm going to need money for rent, and I won't have enough because I missed a day at work due to this fucking abdominal pain that's been going for year. I went to the emergency room on the 10th, but everything came back normal, they even did a Cat Scan. All my internal organs are normal looking. The only thing that came back abnormal was my magnesium was low so I had IV magnesium given. 

The whole thing is really getting on my nerves, meaning that I've been depressed for the past 3 weeks. The weather hasn't helped. It's been extremely cold and grey here for a while, and then this week it just rained the whole time. I didn't shower all week last week. I washed my hair today. I guess that's something. I'm doing a deep condition too. I think I'm going to trim the ends today too. I looked up a salon nearby that has great ratings. I want to get my hair cut in a bob. I'm going to get a silk press, which is a straightening process that doesn't involve chemicals. I'm never chemically treating my hair again. 

We did a deep clean of the apartment yesterday. I clean the bathroom. Mainly because I know it's clean when I do it. Erica did the vacuuming, dusting and mopped the floor for me because I can't bend a lot anymore. Ah, the trials of getting old. She just turned 40 on the 23th. I can't believe my little niece is that old. It kind of makes me sad. 

I'm so tired all the time. I'm not sleeping too great. My left shoulder has arthritis and I have bursitis too. I need to get another cortisone shot. I'm so sick of doctors, I just don't want to call. I have a MRI of my right hip on Wednesday to see if anything in my hip is causing my pain since all the muscles, ligaments etc are all connected. I almost hope they find something to explain this pain I have. I almost wish it's something serious. Not terminal, just something. 

Oh well, I'm watching the Chiefs and the Ravens play now for the AFC or is it the NFC championship. I'm hoping the Ravens win. I'm tired of the Chiefs. Oh well, that's all for now. 

 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: True Grit

 

There's a song by a group called Soul II Soul. The first line is "Back to life, back to reality." Well, That about sums up things for me. I'm back at work. I found us a new home. I'm also starting school tomorrow for medical billing and coding. It's a certificate program. It lasts 9 months, so I will be done in August. 

Getting here was tough. It took a lot of self control, determination and grit. I had to fight off anxiety attacks, creeping depression and my all around fear of chaos. Our house was in such disarray of which I had no control. I hate a mess. I hate clutter. For a solid month, I had to live with it. It's a wonder I made it out of the situation without some kind of breakdown. 

To top it all off, I was put in charge of finding us an apartment. We had kind of been evicted from the old place. We just couldn't afford it anymore, especially with my employment status being unstable. However, my credit was the only one good enough to rent an apartment. The only problem was that the apartment communities to which I applied kept saying I didn't have enough income. Apparently, there is some kind of arbitrary rule that states you should make about 3 times the rental amount per month to rent an apartment. I feel that that is bullshit. No wonder Atlanta has the highest eviction and foreclosure rate in the state. It's very expensive to live here. 

But after jumping through hoops and doing a dance for the apartment people, I secured a 1 bedroom apartment for us. It's something I can pay on my own if I must. Rent is $1711 per month. I'm also paying the electric bill. We are all responsible for 1/3 of the rent and our own phone bills. I added my sister and niece along with the car to my insurance policy. We split the bill. We also split the rent 3 ways since we are all working. 

Work is going okay. I was in training for a month, but I'm back on the phone this week at my normal hours on Tuesday. We have a shift bid on Nov. 6th and I'm hoping to get the 9 am to 5:45pm shift. I don't have any place to work in privacy anymore, so I'm set up in the dining room. April and Erica get home around 6 pm, and my hours end at 8 pm. It's going to be very inconvenient. 

If you haven't done the math, there are 3 people and 4 animals in a 1 bedroom apartment. It's very cozy, but so far we haven't had any blowouts or screaming matches. I am very grateful that we are all still together and safe. The apartment is okay, we had to leave a lot of stuff in the storage unit that we had rented when we got the eviction notice. Of course, we packed in a hurry, so we don't know where a lot of things are. As we've needed things we've gone back to the unit and looked for things, like winter clothes. 

Summer left without a word and Fall rushed in so faced and chilly. So, we had to go get our hoodies and scarves. The complex has a lot of trees and it's sort of woodsy, so it gets chilly when the sun goes down. 

I see my psychiatrist every 3 weeks, and I still see my therapist once a week. It's going pretty well. Last week wasn't good. I was very down, and just  wanted to pull the covers over my head, so that's what I did for 3 days. I didn't tell April and Erica. I didn't want them to get mad at me. But, they did notice I was feeling down. One day last week I was completely unfocused and unable to concentrate. I got lost going to the store, and I kept forgetting what I was doing. My psychiatrist told me  to check with my doctor to get some liver tests run, because I was also having abdominal pain and fatigue. I am hoping to get an appointment on the 10th of November, since I'm off that day. 

Well, I guess that's all. It's back to this thing called life. There are times when my mind still wanders as I wonder if this is really all there is. Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am. I am truly grateful to God for all He has done for me. I just wonder, you know. 

Peace Joy Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Happiest Unhappy Girl

 

Today, I have completed my second full week at work. I went back to work on September 1st. We had off for labor day. Yes, I'm still at Delta Dental. They didn't fire me, and since I haven't found another job, I didn't quit. 

My disability insurance finally came through, which is a blessing. I'm still looking for a new job, but I feel kind of guilty about it. My supervisor has been so loyal and supportive, I'd hate to tell her I'm quitting. However, we've talked quite often about me finding a position that makes me happy, and being on the phone is not something I want to do. 

My next step is to move up to a level 2 associate. That will probably happen in the next 6 months if I keep performing like I'm currently doing in training. My supervisor got me back into training, so I wasn't thrust back on the phones. I'll be in training until October 24th. I am so happy about that, I could spit. 

My brother still is not speaking to me, but he sends me money every week or so for gas money. I don't send him any messages or anything, as I am blocked. He communicates through April. I've been paying him $250 a month for my car and I pay on the 10th or 11th so he has it by the 15th when it's due. I can't say I miss him much. I really don't think about him much. 

I don't think about my parents too much either. I still talk to them at night when I see their stars outside. I wonder how it got to be that way. 4 months ago I was suicidal with grief. But now I'm doing quite well. My doctor got me on the right meds and I see my therapist once a week. I do daily affirmations, and positive self talk. I haven't had any intrusive thoughts. I have a suicidal thought every so often, and get an auditory hallucination from time to time. But I can call either my doctor or therapist at any time. 

Now for the bad news. We got evicted. We got the notice the beginning of last month, but we don't have a hearing date yet so  we are still in our apartment. I've been trying desperately to find a new apartment, but I either get denied for income or credit. We are all so frustrated and tired of living in limbo. I applied for another apartment today, so keep your fingers crossed. 

The funny thing is, I am surprisingly upbeat. While my circumstances aren't great, I remain hopeful and positive that everything will work out for the better. I believe that God has tested me and is looking at my faith in Him. Whenever I get a little blue, I pray. I know that God loves me and is by my side always. I suppose that's why I'm happy now.  

Peace Joy Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I Don't Want to Thanks

     

I wish I could say that I was doing exciting things, but the fact is, I'm not. A kind of boredom has crept into my life that is not unfamiliar. It's one of the symptoms of depression. Loss of interest and lack of motivation are plaguing me right now. I have things to do. I just don't feel like it. This of course, causes people to think that I am just lazy. I was starting to think that about myself, but it's not true. 

I start each day at 7:30 am when my alarm goes off. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I take Kyber to doggy daycare. After that, I have breakfast. Sometimes it's good and healthy, sometimes it's crap like I had this morning. I make my bed, take a shower (not today) and get dressed for my day. I try to look good everyday by fixing my hair and putting on a cute outfit, but lately, I just  don't seem to give a rat's ass. Today, it's a t-shirt and pajama pants. 

I did paint my nails and gave myself a facial, so I'm not a total mess. I had to make the bed today, otherwise I would have climbed back in and slept the day away like I did yesterday. It was April's birthday yesterday. I got her an official Eagles jersey. She loved it. Didn't get a hug though. I think my sister hates being touch in an affectionate manner. But that's her issue not mine. 

As far as things I can do with myself, I can always clean or write another chapter in my book. I have a scrapbook of my aunt to finish. I can clean out my closet and give some clothes to the Good Will. I have muffins I could bake for tomorrow's breakfast. I could read, pray or take a way. I just don't have any motivation to do any of those things. My concentration is so bad, I can't even watch TV. Not that there's much on anyway. 

Here's something that has me perplexed. My brother cut me off last month, right. How about he sent me $75 twice. I haven't spoken to him since that infamous email, but he sent me money. Isn't that wild? 

I've a few job interviews, but nothings happening. There is a job I would like a pharmaceutical company that starts in September. I applied for it through a headhunter. I'm hoping I get it. Pay starts at $20/hour. Otherwise, it's back to Delta Dental for me. I do not want to go back, but I may have to as rent must be paid. 

I'm filing for bankruptcy this week. I have over $20K in debt I have to pay off. I spend more that I make. Oh well, I don't really care anymore. But then again, I could win the billion dollar Mega Millions tomorrow. Wouldn't that be a dream come true? I'd still have problems, but money wouldn't be one. I'd pay off all our bills, and then disappear for a year. Maybe we'll move to Wyoming. Hmm. I could start my store Stuff-n-Things, Erica could open her comic book shop, and I could start my fund for pets in need of medical care. 

I'm not giving my family money, except for Jerald to pay back the car loan, and the rent he's paid for us. Otherwise that's it. I'm going to by a storybook cottage for myself and get a new Rogue. Finally, I'll be able to get a dog and another cat. Hmm, it's nice to think about anyway. 

That's all for now. Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Unquiet Mind

 

My brain has been spinning out of control for 3 weeks. I've have experienced racing thoughts, irritability, and suicidal ideations continuously. Fortunately, the suicidal ideations and thoughts of self harm have stopped for the time being. Also, I am not paranoid or experiencing hallucinations or delusions. I'm just here in a desperate attempt to keep my mind occupied.

Why am I spinning? I don't know. But, my thoughts don't always go around. Sometimes, they go laterally or horizontally. I'm travelling through time in my thoughts. I have vivid dreams of my family members running in all directions. I can see them, but they can't see me. I can hear them, but they can't hear me. I'm trying to figure out if I am actually still a member of this family or if I have finally been left behind. 

The other night, I had a dream about my mom. She was on her death bed and I was saying goodbye. It ended tenderly, but I woke up talking to her. I didn't feel her when I woke up. I have not felt her by my side for quite some time. 

I have also been dreaming about my past holidays. Joyous occasions where everyone is gathered, laughing and talking, exchanging gifts. I stand there watching, but there are no gifts for me. I am a shade watching the activities, like Scrooge. 

I don't want to be a shade. But that's exactly what reality would be if I did succeed in my suicide attempt. Maybe that is how my eternity would be spent, my own version of hell. I would be surrounded by family only to them I don't exist. 

Does it make me regret it? I honestly can't say yes. Those last days of April were not to long ago, yet it seems life a lifetime ago. I guess it was my old life. My new life is spent keeping a gratitude journal, writing my book, and writing letters. Writing, always writing. I exercise my brain this way, I want to keep it sharp and prepared. Prepared for what? I don't know. I've always thought I was a good conversationalist once I get past my social anxiety. I've been trying to push past that. The truth is I like to talk. It's just that I'm not one to talk for hours on end about the mundane. 

I've been trying to read more as well as write. My concentration, however, has been damaged and my memory as well. I can watch maybe 20 minutes of a TV program or movie. I can only sit still when I write. I can remember what I did yesterday, but not what I did or said 3 days ago. Part of it's the damage done by ECT all those years ago. Some is just the course of the disease. It may also have something to do with the medications I'm on right now. I would like to see an MRI of my brain just to see which parts are lit up when I feel good as opposed to depressed. 

I meditated today for about 45 minutes. It was very nice, but as soon as I was done, my brain was looking for something else to do. So, hence this blog entry. The unquiet mind is a terrible thing. I will continue to try and find peace for the rest of today. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Banished

 

The text call at 3:22pm today. It was my brother. He has cut me out of his life. 

i was told to get a job, any job

I wasn't allowed to have this illness anymore. 

I'm supposed to get over myself and take care of things on my own 

Mom and Dad are dead and he refuses to help me anymore

if I keep having trouble living then I should go to a permanent living facility.

he accused me of killing them by draining them

apparently if you are unable to work you are a drain on society

So here I am trying to process this information. Right now I am just stunned by this development.

It will probably hit me later on, maybe around his birthday. I'm constantly numb. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl : A Day in the Life

    

I am hating myself today. It's been going on for a few days now. This feeling of mediocracy and uselessness. I've been avoiding myself. I've been ignoring the phone. I spend my mornings in bed watching TV. I get up around 2 pm to shower and make my bed so it looks like I've done something. I have no drive. I feel like crying all the time. So, this is what my depression feels like. It looks like messy hair, an unwashed body and tooth crud. Why does this keep happening? Why can't I be a regular person who has a bad day and can go on living? Why does my world stop with one sad mood? 

I've come to accept the fact that I am not regular. I do not have regular moods or regular days. For those who have the regular or normal emotional states, it's a matter of some positive affirmations or shrugging off a feeling. For me, not so simple. Positive affirmations don't work for me so much. Sure, I know I am worthy of love and a good life. I've never doubted that. It's just that I have a hard time seeing it in the distance. 

I called my therapist yesterday, and we had a good session. A lightbulb did flash over my head. I've said many times that I hate my job. But, the truth is, I would hate any type of job because all I want to do is be creative. I want to act and I want to write. I have given myself until the end of August to complete my plan of finding a relatively easy job that will allow me to pursue my acting career. I am going to search for open auditions and try to pursue stage acting and rejoin Actor's Access so I can submit for background and day actor jobs. There's my task for today. Search for open auditions. It will be a little tough without headshots, but I don't care. Who knows, I may be discovered. 

I should cry today. I feel it building up. I should let it out and just get it over with. I also should take a shower and wash my hair, but quite frankly, I don't want to. I'll spend a little time trying to do my search, then I don't know. I don't have any food, so I guess I can't eat today. Oh well. I'm tired now. 

Maybe I'll go through my workbooks  from all my hospital stays. Yippee. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Family Way

 

Something is happening with my family. It seems they notice me. I mean they know I'm alive. I'm not just some haunted figure floating in the background of their conversations. I, it seems, have something to say, and they want to hear it. I know that to some it may seem like this is what I wanted all along, but it's not. I have never lacked attention from my family until recent years with my sister. I did at times feel unheard by the world, but never by my family. They've all been a phone call away. 

I suppose this new revelation has come about because I am finally speaking up. I'm doing more things with April and Erica because I make myself present. I approach them with conversations and participate in some of the things they do. I think because I ask them, they are now more open to the idea of me coming along. I'm no longer an albatross around their necks. I am getting help for my illness and it is starting to show. 

I had 2 conversations with relatives today. The first was with my beloved Aunt Gloria. I was sitting on the couch falling into a depressed mood, when I suddenly thought of her. It's been a week since I talked to her, so I called just to hear a friendly voice and an encouraging word. She never disappoints. We talked for about 20 minutes. I relax when I hear her voice. It's like a tonic. It reminds me of my parents. They, too, were always glad to hear from me. The second call was a return call to my Uncle Dave. I don't hear from him too often, but he wanted to see how I was doing. At first, we talked about him and his health journey and his retirement. But then, the topic came around to me. He had read my posts and wanted to talk to me about it. At first, I was a bit hesitant. But then, I thought "why not?" 

So we talked about me and my grief over my parents and my subsequent suicide attempt. He was a little taken aback, but he was okay with it. I am really transparent when it comes to talking about my illness. I figure it removes the stigma and it tends to make other people feel more comfortable when they see that I'm not embarrassed. 

We had a nice conversation about life and God. I need to to lay down my burdens and stop carrying the responsibility for the world on my shoulders. He told me I am not supposed to follow the word of God but to live it. For it is through God's grace and mercy that we are here. Jesus paid for my sin already, so I need to put down my burdens, confess and acknowledge my sins and then ask for forgiveness. He reminded me that we are supposed to live in the spirit not in the flesh. I've been so busy trying to be perfect in the flesh, that it's no wonder I get so tired. So, I'm laying it all at God's feet. I give up the flesh and will live in the spirit of God. Maybe then I can finally get some rest. 

I suppose, if I stop and think about it, that's what my family has been trying to tell me my whole life. Do not live for yourself but live through Christ. That is why He died for us. I know all this really, but like most things I know when it comes to my emotions, I have a hard time translating what my head knows to what my heart believes. I think I'll stop being a scientist all the time and become a more spiritual person.