Something is happening with my family. It seems they notice me. I mean they know I'm alive. I'm not just some haunted figure floating in the background of their conversations. I, it seems, have something to say, and they want to hear it. I know that to some it may seem like this is what I wanted all along, but it's not. I have never lacked attention from my family until recent years with my sister. I did at times feel unheard by the world, but never by my family. They've all been a phone call away.
I suppose this new revelation has come about because I am finally speaking up. I'm doing more things with April and Erica because I make myself present. I approach them with conversations and participate in some of the things they do. I think because I ask them, they are now more open to the idea of me coming along. I'm no longer an albatross around their necks. I am getting help for my illness and it is starting to show.
I had 2 conversations with relatives today. The first was with my beloved Aunt Gloria. I was sitting on the couch falling into a depressed mood, when I suddenly thought of her. It's been a week since I talked to her, so I called just to hear a friendly voice and an encouraging word. She never disappoints. We talked for about 20 minutes. I relax when I hear her voice. It's like a tonic. It reminds me of my parents. They, too, were always glad to hear from me. The second call was a return call to my Uncle Dave. I don't hear from him too often, but he wanted to see how I was doing. At first, we talked about him and his health journey and his retirement. But then, the topic came around to me. He had read my posts and wanted to talk to me about it. At first, I was a bit hesitant. But then, I thought "why not?"
So we talked about me and my grief over my parents and my subsequent suicide attempt. He was a little taken aback, but he was okay with it. I am really transparent when it comes to talking about my illness. I figure it removes the stigma and it tends to make other people feel more comfortable when they see that I'm not embarrassed.
We had a nice conversation about life and God. I need to to lay down my burdens and stop carrying the responsibility for the world on my shoulders. He told me I am not supposed to follow the word of God but to live it. For it is through God's grace and mercy that we are here. Jesus paid for my sin already, so I need to put down my burdens, confess and acknowledge my sins and then ask for forgiveness. He reminded me that we are supposed to live in the spirit not in the flesh. I've been so busy trying to be perfect in the flesh, that it's no wonder I get so tired. So, I'm laying it all at God's feet. I give up the flesh and will live in the spirit of God. Maybe then I can finally get some rest.
I suppose, if I stop and think about it, that's what my family has been trying to tell me my whole life. Do not live for yourself but live through Christ. That is why He died for us. I know all this really, but like most things I know when it comes to my emotions, I have a hard time translating what my head knows to what my heart believes. I think I'll stop being a scientist all the time and become a more spiritual person.
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