My brain has been spinning out of control for 3 weeks. I've have experienced racing thoughts, irritability, and suicidal ideations continuously. Fortunately, the suicidal ideations and thoughts of self harm have stopped for the time being. Also, I am not paranoid or experiencing hallucinations or delusions. I'm just here in a desperate attempt to keep my mind occupied.
Why am I spinning? I don't know. But, my thoughts don't always go around. Sometimes, they go laterally or horizontally. I'm travelling through time in my thoughts. I have vivid dreams of my family members running in all directions. I can see them, but they can't see me. I can hear them, but they can't hear me. I'm trying to figure out if I am actually still a member of this family or if I have finally been left behind.
The other night, I had a dream about my mom. She was on her death bed and I was saying goodbye. It ended tenderly, but I woke up talking to her. I didn't feel her when I woke up. I have not felt her by my side for quite some time.
I have also been dreaming about my past holidays. Joyous occasions where everyone is gathered, laughing and talking, exchanging gifts. I stand there watching, but there are no gifts for me. I am a shade watching the activities, like Scrooge.
I don't want to be a shade. But that's exactly what reality would be if I did succeed in my suicide attempt. Maybe that is how my eternity would be spent, my own version of hell. I would be surrounded by family only to them I don't exist.
Does it make me regret it? I honestly can't say yes. Those last days of April were not to long ago, yet it seems life a lifetime ago. I guess it was my old life. My new life is spent keeping a gratitude journal, writing my book, and writing letters. Writing, always writing. I exercise my brain this way, I want to keep it sharp and prepared. Prepared for what? I don't know. I've always thought I was a good conversationalist once I get past my social anxiety. I've been trying to push past that. The truth is I like to talk. It's just that I'm not one to talk for hours on end about the mundane.
I've been trying to read more as well as write. My concentration, however, has been damaged and my memory as well. I can watch maybe 20 minutes of a TV program or movie. I can only sit still when I write. I can remember what I did yesterday, but not what I did or said 3 days ago. Part of it's the damage done by ECT all those years ago. Some is just the course of the disease. It may also have something to do with the medications I'm on right now. I would like to see an MRI of my brain just to see which parts are lit up when I feel good as opposed to depressed.
I meditated today for about 45 minutes. It was very nice, but as soon as I was done, my brain was looking for something else to do. So, hence this blog entry. The unquiet mind is a terrible thing. I will continue to try and find peace for the rest of today.
Peace, Joy, Love - B
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