I am now 57 years old. I will be 58 years old in 45 days. Let's face it, I'm in the last chapters of my life. It occurred to me today, that this is my last shot to live the life I want. I have to change things now, if I want to enjoy these years, my twilight years.
As I have stated before, I hate my job, so I'm seeking a new job. I also previously stated that I am an actor. No one's heard of me, and I haven't been in anything of note other than a few background jobs. But, this I do know. I am a good actor. I have it in me to do something great. Do I dream of working with some big names? Yes! Do I think of winning awards? Absolutely! However, I know I face some obstacles. But, if I apply myself, I know I can do it.
So, there you go. That's my goal and dream. But what do I do in the meantime? Do I quit my job thereby taking a huge leap faith? My previous thought process tells me, No No Hell No! But it my present mind, I want to place my faith in God, because I believe that that is the path on which He is leading me. Faith is something I have always had in short supply. But, my conversations with Him have become more frequent. He does know my deepest desires and I must, if I call myself a true believer, follow my calling.
How did I come to realize this? Well, I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I went to confession on Friday. I confessed my sins, especially my suicide attempt. When I was done, I felt free. I felt closer to Him than I've ever felt in my life. I want to worship. I want to be a testament to God's mercy and grace. After all, I should have died. But, I forgot that suicide was a grave sin and my eternity would have been exceedingly unpleasant. I wouldn't have seen my parents as I wanted to do. In fact, I would have spent a great deal of time in Hell repenting my sin. That thought didn't occur to me when I took the pills. It is quite the deterrent now.
So, I have decided instead of changing my existing life. I am going to start over. I am going to study acting in earnest. There are some books on Amazon that I want to order. Now that I have a top of the line phone, I can tape my auditions well. Also, I will be more mindful of myself. I am no longer going to be a people pleaser. I give myself the permission to say no if I want. That's a difference, a big difference. Additionally, I'm no longer going to focus on work so much. I'm just looking for a job with a decent paycheck and decent benefits. I had thought I was going to retire at Delta Dental, but no more.
It's been difficult to separate my time at work and my time at home since I work from home. But, I am now ready to leave the house and get out in the world. Starting over means I will no longer look back at things I haven't done or not completed. I don't want a college degree anymore. I mean, I have my associates, but I no longer think I'm a failure for not having a bachelor's. I've met too many people that don't use it or found it worthless in the long run.
Another big change is that I no longer feel the need of having a man. It just doesn't appeal to me right now. I met this guy the other day on Tik Tok. He seemed nice at first but said he couldn't call me on the phone because he may get in trouble on his job. WTF??? I am like, no thank you. Been there done that. Plus, he claimed he was working in Tampa. Anyway, Tampa is not that far from me if he wanted to meet, and if you can't call me on the phone, something stinks. So, I'm not going down that road. I'll just stay to myself and concentrate on my career and God.
I'm still writing my book. I've got 5 chapters and 39 pages. I think it flows quite well. I don't make story notes or map it out. I just write off the top of my head according to how the story tells itself. I've been told many times that I am a good writer, so I'll see how it turns out if I ever get it finished.
Starting over is difficult, but it's something I have to do. I have to put my trauma, my painful memories behind me and move on from my grief. But, if nothing else, it turns out I am a fighter. I never wanted to be, trust me. I get so exhausted from picking up the pieces. But I do, and I manage to put myself back together. So, here's to me, a new woman? No, just a smarter one.
Peace Joy Love - B
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