I am hating myself today. It's been going on for a few days now. This feeling of mediocracy and uselessness. I've been avoiding myself. I've been ignoring the phone. I spend my mornings in bed watching TV. I get up around 2 pm to shower and make my bed so it looks like I've done something. I have no drive. I feel like crying all the time. So, this is what my depression feels like. It looks like messy hair, an unwashed body and tooth crud. Why does this keep happening? Why can't I be a regular person who has a bad day and can go on living? Why does my world stop with one sad mood?
I've come to accept the fact that I am not regular. I do not have regular moods or regular days. For those who have the regular or normal emotional states, it's a matter of some positive affirmations or shrugging off a feeling. For me, not so simple. Positive affirmations don't work for me so much. Sure, I know I am worthy of love and a good life. I've never doubted that. It's just that I have a hard time seeing it in the distance.
I called my therapist yesterday, and we had a good session. A lightbulb did flash over my head. I've said many times that I hate my job. But, the truth is, I would hate any type of job because all I want to do is be creative. I want to act and I want to write. I have given myself until the end of August to complete my plan of finding a relatively easy job that will allow me to pursue my acting career. I am going to search for open auditions and try to pursue stage acting and rejoin Actor's Access so I can submit for background and day actor jobs. There's my task for today. Search for open auditions. It will be a little tough without headshots, but I don't care. Who knows, I may be discovered.
I should cry today. I feel it building up. I should let it out and just get it over with. I also should take a shower and wash my hair, but quite frankly, I don't want to. I'll spend a little time trying to do my search, then I don't know. I don't have any food, so I guess I can't eat today. Oh well. I'm tired now.
Maybe I'll go through my workbooks from all my hospital stays. Yippee.
Peace, Joy, Love - B
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