Okay, so for the past couple of months, I've been in my emotions. I've been depressed, I've been euphoric and I've been angry. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what's wrong, but I figured it out yesterday in my session with my therapist, Stephanie.
The biggest reason I've been so emotionally over the place is simply because of all the dates that have reminded me of those I have lost over the past 4 years. I thought I was moving passed my grief, but it came up behind me and punched me in the head.
December 21st is my father's birthday. I used to go and visit him for his birthday and stay until the new year. Christmas was very lackluster last year. Since we're in a tiny apartment, we couldn't decorate like we used to do.
January 6th is the date of my dad's death. My Aunt Berta's birthday is January 10th. She was my favorite aunt. My mom died on February 26 and her birthday is April 4th. So, I have been bombarded with all of these memories. I thought I was doing okay, but apparently not so much.
I've been having dreams about my mother. They are not pleasant dreams. They start out fine, but in the end we always end up fighting. I wake up angry. I feel bad because I'm not looking at these dreams as a beautiful visitation, but as a confrontation with her about her dying. I am still angry at her for leaving me. I don't blame her, you understand, I'm just angry because I didn't have time to prepare. I didn't get a chance to say a proper goodbye when she was alive.
Stephanie says I need to forgive her and change my perspective. I need to look at my life now and compare it to how it was when my mom was still here. I had an extremely co-dependent relationship with my mom. I used to call her everyday, most of the time crying or feeling sad. I depended on her financially, emotionally and spiritually. Now that she's gone, I've had to depend on myself. I have to say it's been tough going. I have only now figured out how to manage my money at the age of 58. I have only now figured out how to bring myself out of a depression. I have only now begun to view myself as an adult. I fought it for the past 4 years but I think I'm making progress.
The one thing I still need to work on is forgiveness of her. I can't look at her death with anger anymore. I simply must come to realize that she was 80 yrs old and she was sick. She did not leave me on purpose. She simply died.
Stephanie also gave me a checklist to go over when I'm feeling overwhelmed and emotional.
1. Relationship issues or lack thereof: I would like to be married, but it's no longer crucial to my happiness. I'm feeling alright. If I meet someone, that would be great, but if not, that's okay too.
2. Finances and work issues: Like I said, I finally figured out my money. I'd like to make more money which is why I am being intentional at work because I want to be promoted. I am still a level 1 at work, and I want to be a level 2. However, I was just placed on verbal warning at work because of my call quality. I have taken steps to work on it, and feel I'm getting better. I still have work to do, but I am taking steps to be more aware of my job and what is expected of me. It's up to me to put in the work. I am excited to go to work now. I go into the office twice a week now. Mostly because of the quality issue, but also I find that I enjoy it. I have a better time talking to real people and not just listening to people on TV.
3. Grief and Loss: I know that the grief I feel will always be with me. I know that the beginning of the year is difficult for me. I have to anticipate it going forward and adjust my feelings accordingly.
4. Health: Oh my God, I need to just go in for a full body makeover. Something always hurts and the chronic pain is exhausting and depressing. There are days when I just don't want to get out of bed. But, I force myself to get up and take a hot shower on those days to get my blood pumping. I can take better care of myself I know. Like I could walk more, drink more water, start taking my vitamins again, etc. I would like nothing better than to stop taking my diabetes med, and blood pressure meds, but until I get off my butt and do something about it, it's going to be my routine. The trouble is that I'm just plan lazy. Self motivation is not my strong suit.
5. Social Interactions or lack thereof: Let's face it, I have no friends. I know of a couple of people in the complex that I say hello to, but that's it. I have my coworkers, but I am not a friend of any of them. I suppose I could reach out to Arlita. She's about my age, and she's very sweet. I could also get off my ass and go to church every week. I don't know what the issue is there, but I haven't been to mass in several months. I am going to volunteer at the food bank this Saturday, I'm hoping to do it at least once a month. Also, our team is having a skating party on the 20th. I'm going, but I can't skate. I'll just play a few games and sit around and talk. I'm going to have a good time.
So, there you go. Those are the things I discovered in my therapy session yesterday. It's a lot but it was very useful information. I'm going to write down some things I remember about my mom and dad, since I am beginning to fade on those things. Stephanie said to write it down in a letter or poem and keep it so that if I ever feel like I am losing my connection to them I can pull it out and feel better and not miss them so much.
That is my struggle and it's a real struggle that I have to deal with every minute of my life. Each second thoughts crowd my mind, and I have to fight off the negative thoughts and bask in the glow of the positive thoughts. It's a beautiful day here today. I may take a walk. I'll let the sun shine on me for a while. Today is a good day.
Peace, Love, Joy - B
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