It's 4:51 am EST. The rest of the world around me is still fast asleep. I can hear the sound of distant thunder from the Amazon Echo in the bedroom. Both my sister and niece are cocooned in their blankets, just hours to beginning another day. For me, yesterday never ended. One day has bled into the next and here I am, body aching and eyes strained from lack of sleep. I'll just take a hot shower and have a couple of cups of coffee. That will be my morning after they've left for work.
Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 84 yrs old. She's been gone 4 years now. I'm used to the idea of her not being here, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. Sometimes, when I dream about her, I wake up angry. I still get mad at her for leaving. In my mind, I both love her to infinity and hate her with all of the intensity of a spoiled brat.
I know that she is the reason I have been up all night. For the past month, I have been feeling this day creep it's way into the crevices of my brain. Feelings of worthlessness and doubt have popped into an otherwise routine life. I don't really have much to look forward to anymore. There is no family except for April and Erica, and there are times when I am still left out of the conversation. I don't mind really, the brief sprinkling of topics that I do hear them talk about are of no consequence to me and I find them to be quite silly.
My brother is speaking to me again. Well, we actually haven't had a conversation, but I'm off of his shit list. I suppose I should thank him, because if it wasn't for him shutting me out, I wouldn't have learned to stand on my own. I'm doing an okay job. I still have no friends, and money is tight, but the rent is paid, we have electricity, car insurance and water. Our food is not as glamorous as it once was, as a loaf of bread now costs $4 or more. We have 3 animals to feed too. We did have 4, but one of our cats died a couple of weeks ago. Each of us grieved in our own way. I cried for a day.
I've been feeling a little off for the past month or so. The chronic pain is depressing and I'm tired of going to doctors. I have an appointment with my therapist on Saturday just to talk things out. I haven't been able to concentrate until tonight as a matter of fact regarding my feelings and emotions. I can't quite figure out what's wrong with me. I suppose I am missing my parents but that doesn't feel like the issue. I miss my dad a lot, but I don't get angry thinking about him.
There is an issue that is bothering me. I'm starting to forget little details about them. I still remember a lot, but somethings aren't as vivid. I can still hear my mom and my dad laugh, and that makes me smile because they both had a boisterous laugh as well as a very corny sense of humor. I remember my mom baking in the kitchen and the smell of vanilla and butter permeating the house. I see my self running down the stairs when I saw my dad drive in from work to great him at the door. There were family dinners and Sunday morning waffles. Trips to the mall were a Saturday night outing. But it the little stuff I'm having trouble recalling.
I can't remember exactly what my mom's hands looked like. I forgot her favorite perfume. The only flower I know she liked were hydrangeas and I'm not positive about that. It's crap like that that has me feeling low. I didn't expect it to happen so soon. I suppose it would help if I had all my photo albums and letters, but they are locked up in the storage unit. That reminds me to call about the price of a garage. However, I want us to blow this place when our lease is up. I'm having some premonitions about winning the Powerball. If that's the case, I think I will stay here, and let April and Erica go on their merry way.
My job is okay. I'm getting better at it. I'm still learning stuff. I'll be there 2 years in June. I'd like to be a level 2 by then. I was supposed to start training this month, but the powers that be decided that I was not ready. I must work on my consistency. I know how to do the job, and I'm good at it. It's just that I get lazy and don't try to keep all my balls in the air. I've done it before, so they know I can. Right now I'm on verbal warning for quality so I have to go to the office 2 days a week. It's not bad. It gets me out of the house at least.
That's all for now. I guess it is. I guess I'll make myself some coffee. Today I will center myself and take my time. I will do my best in each moment. No one will be able to say that I didn't try.
Peace, Joy, Love - B
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