Well, the past few days have been dark for me. I'm not really sure why, but I think it has to do with the fact that I am lonely. I long for the touch of another human. Talking online is fine, but I need a hug once in a while. My body is actually starving for it.
It started on Saturday. I was supposed to go to a skating party with some people from work. I was really looking forward to it. But when I go there the place looked run down and janky. I got there on time, but had to wait for 45 minutes until someone showed up from work. Of course, by that time my anxiety reared it's ugly head and I ended up leaving without going in.
This was my second attempt at being social and it failed. I had wanted to volunteer with the Atlanta Food Bank, but I got all discombobulated driving in the city and couldn't find it, and parking was expensive. So, I just ended up driving home. That was my first attempt. I thought I do something for my community and be social, but no go. The second attempt was the skating thing. I am so ashamed of myself, and feel so bad that I couldn't accomplish my goal.
Thirdly, I decided that I wanted to stop smoking. I lasted a whole 48 hours before caving in and buying a pack of cigarettes. Another failure, more shame.
I got a life coach on this program they have at work. I'm trying to get more support to stop smoking and manage my weight. I managed to put on another 6 pounds from my week long smoke free existence. That was a few weeks ago. As a result, I ate everything to satisfy my oral fixation. It didn't work, and now I'm back up to 220 pounds. About 2 months ago I was 199 pounds. I'm going to speak to my endocrinologist about getting back on Ozempic. It worked well.
I also have to get off my ass and start walking more. I got a fitness watch. So, I've been tracking my steps. My daily goal is 3000. I've only met it once. I got 4500 steps in last Saturday. I took a walk to Starbucks. It's about a mile or so up the road.
So, you know, I know perfectly well how to pull myself out of dark places. It just talks so much effort. I just don't understand why I can't just do things like most people. I have to switch my whole mindset if I want to do even the slightest thing. I have talk myself into bathing. I have to get in the mood to cook nutritious meals. I have to put my mind on go just to walk the dog.
I've decided to try something different. I'm going to date myself. I'm going to see a play and take myself to dinner. I'm going to see if I can find a club or something for people my age and go listen to some music maybe dance in the corner by myself. lol. I'm tired of being Miss Lonely Jeans. I want to have a few friends, and if I meet someone, okay. Meeting a man is not in my top ten priorities.
There are times I miss Brad, my fuck buddy. We were good in bed together, but I had to spoil it but saying the "R" word. You guessed it; relationship. I just should have kept my mouth shut.
I also am still trying to get my butt to church. I'm just going to go on Saturdays I think. I can't seem to make Sunday happen. April and Erica do things without me all the time. So, I guess I'll have to do things and not think about them so much.
I want to reach a place of loving myself and being comfortable with myself within the next few months. I've been trying to plan a trip for us, but I'm not getting much input. I'll just have to plan the trip for me. I think I'll look up a singles travel group today. Then I'll look for some plays to see in my area. It's time I spent my days in the light, and save the dark for sleeping.
Peace, Joy, Love-B
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