Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Top? of the Morning

 

It's March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. I'm not Irish, so this holiday has never been a big deal for me. It has always seemed like a day where all people do is eat and drink beer. It's supposed to be a day of celebration for a saint, but I don't see it. 

My family is Scottish. my last name is Scottish. However, now that I think of it, I think my mom's maiden name is Irish. I'll have to do a little more investigation. So, maybe I'm Scots-Irish. In that case, top of the morning to you. 

The past 2 months have flown by, which after January is a rather nice surprise. I thought we would never get out of the first month of the year. There was a very large, dark cloud hanging over my head. I'm still kind of depressed. I'm just in a rut. I still have no friends, nothing to do in my free time. My niece gave me a couple of books to read, and I started them, but I'm also experiencing anxiety, which I haven't had in a few months. My anxiety has manifested itself orally. Meaning that I'm either eating, smoking or chewing bubblegum. My mouth is constantly moving. I can't stop. I feel so restless if I'm not doing something with my mouth. 

I ran out of my anti-psychotic for about a week and a half, and I'm taking meloxicam for pain. Meloxicam can increase appetite and decrease the sense of taste. So, as a result I've been craving sugar and spicy foods. I also ran out of Ozempic, so I gained back 5 pounds of the 20 I had lost. I see my doctor, endocrinologist, on the 22nd of April. 

I went to my orthopedist a couple of weeks ago and it turns out that the pain in my left shoulder is due to a rotator cuff problem. So, I'm in physical therapy. It's going okay, but my shoulder is really throbbing. It's also causing me problems in bed. I can't sleep on my left side because of my shoulder, I can't sleep on my right side, because it causes abdominal pain. I did something to my sacrum last week, so I can't sleep on my back, because that causes my legs to get numb. If I was a horse, I think I would have been put down by now. I had an endoscopy about my abdominal pain, I still have to look at the results, they sent them to my online patient portal. I kinda don't care anymore. I don't want anymore pills or shots or surgery. But something tells me that my back and shoulder will be going under the knife sometime this year. Like I said, getting old is a bitch. 

We had another death in the family. Our cat Zuko died on Thursday. He was lying in the sun on my bed and he died. He'd been sick for a while, and we knew it was coming, but it was still a shock. I took the day off. I called my sister when he died, and she called Erica. We all miss him a lot. He was very talkative, so it's eerily quiet around here, especially in the morning. He was our alarm clock. So, now we have 2 cats and a dog. my cat Zelda is missing her playmate and eating buddy. Zaybra doesn't seem phased, but Kyber isn't sure of his place. He was second banana to Zuko. Kyber is our dog. He's the youngest of our pets. He will be 3 in August. Zelda is going to be 4 on May 4th. Zaybra will be 10 in the fall. 

I finally got my budget straightened out. Fortunately, I got my taxes back early to pay for my March rent before they started eviction proceedings. I had to borrow $400 from my brother, but I'm paying him back this week. Yes, my brother is talking to me again. It's been about a year, but I don't bother him unless it's a last resort, plus it was only $400 and not $1400. At any rate, April's rent will be on time. Of course, I'm still behind on my car insurance and electric bill, but those will be paid this week too. 

My mom's birthday is on the 4th of April. I've been thinking of her off and on. The anniversary of her death came and went without any emotional upheaval. In fact, I didn't realize it until the next day. Which is good I guess. After last year, I'm not dwelling too much on the past. I'm just concentrating on each day as it comes. The anniversary of my dad's death went by without any stirrings either. It was just another day. 

I'm still waiting for my state taxes to come in the mail. For some unknown reason I indicated that I wanted a check, which is stupid. But it hasn't come yet, and waiting for that money so I can buy a new bed. Right now, I'm sleeping on a twin air mattress. It's a good air mattress, but it's not a real bed. 

Work is going well. I start training class for a level 2 agent on April 1st. Hopefully, it will lead to a promotion and a raise, which I hear is a pretty nice chunk of change. I've doing more and more level 2 stuff. My supervisor likes me a lot, and I simply adore her. I can talk to her about anything, and she knows about all my medical problems. She is so supportive and encouraging. 

I think I'm hitting the road next month to visit my Aunt Delores and Uncle Pree. I can only go for a weekend, but it will be nice to get out of the house and sleep in a real bed. 

Oh well, I guess that's all for now. It's time for coffee and a cigarette. I got up early and took the dog for walk and fed the cats. I also scooped the kitty litter. I do that when ever it gets too full, as our cats are rather finicky and don't like to use a dirty litter box. So I keep it fresh and clean for them. Sometimes, I think I work to make sure my pets have a certain lifestyle. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I'd like to come back as a pet that is treated as well as we treat ours. 

Take it easy, stay safe, and don't drink too much green beer. Peace, Joy, Love-B

 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The 75th day of January

 

Okay, is it just me, or is this the longest month ever? I feel like this month just keeps going on and on. Everyday is just spitting out the same thing from the day before. Nothing is different. I was kind of hopeful on New Year's Day that I would be able to accomplish some things this year but it doesn't look or feel like it. 

I'm constantly broke. I think I'm going to break down and see a financial advisor to help me budget. I've stayed away from Doordash and Amazon for a month and I still don't have enough money. I'm going to need money for rent, and I won't have enough because I missed a day at work due to this fucking abdominal pain that's been going for year. I went to the emergency room on the 10th, but everything came back normal, they even did a Cat Scan. All my internal organs are normal looking. The only thing that came back abnormal was my magnesium was low so I had IV magnesium given. 

The whole thing is really getting on my nerves, meaning that I've been depressed for the past 3 weeks. The weather hasn't helped. It's been extremely cold and grey here for a while, and then this week it just rained the whole time. I didn't shower all week last week. I washed my hair today. I guess that's something. I'm doing a deep condition too. I think I'm going to trim the ends today too. I looked up a salon nearby that has great ratings. I want to get my hair cut in a bob. I'm going to get a silk press, which is a straightening process that doesn't involve chemicals. I'm never chemically treating my hair again. 

We did a deep clean of the apartment yesterday. I clean the bathroom. Mainly because I know it's clean when I do it. Erica did the vacuuming, dusting and mopped the floor for me because I can't bend a lot anymore. Ah, the trials of getting old. She just turned 40 on the 23th. I can't believe my little niece is that old. It kind of makes me sad. 

I'm so tired all the time. I'm not sleeping too great. My left shoulder has arthritis and I have bursitis too. I need to get another cortisone shot. I'm so sick of doctors, I just don't want to call. I have a MRI of my right hip on Wednesday to see if anything in my hip is causing my pain since all the muscles, ligaments etc are all connected. I almost hope they find something to explain this pain I have. I almost wish it's something serious. Not terminal, just something. 

Oh well, I'm watching the Chiefs and the Ravens play now for the AFC or is it the NFC championship. I'm hoping the Ravens win. I'm tired of the Chiefs. Oh well, that's all for now. 

 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: True Grit

 

There's a song by a group called Soul II Soul. The first line is "Back to life, back to reality." Well, That about sums up things for me. I'm back at work. I found us a new home. I'm also starting school tomorrow for medical billing and coding. It's a certificate program. It lasts 9 months, so I will be done in August. 

Getting here was tough. It took a lot of self control, determination and grit. I had to fight off anxiety attacks, creeping depression and my all around fear of chaos. Our house was in such disarray of which I had no control. I hate a mess. I hate clutter. For a solid month, I had to live with it. It's a wonder I made it out of the situation without some kind of breakdown. 

To top it all off, I was put in charge of finding us an apartment. We had kind of been evicted from the old place. We just couldn't afford it anymore, especially with my employment status being unstable. However, my credit was the only one good enough to rent an apartment. The only problem was that the apartment communities to which I applied kept saying I didn't have enough income. Apparently, there is some kind of arbitrary rule that states you should make about 3 times the rental amount per month to rent an apartment. I feel that that is bullshit. No wonder Atlanta has the highest eviction and foreclosure rate in the state. It's very expensive to live here. 

But after jumping through hoops and doing a dance for the apartment people, I secured a 1 bedroom apartment for us. It's something I can pay on my own if I must. Rent is $1711 per month. I'm also paying the electric bill. We are all responsible for 1/3 of the rent and our own phone bills. I added my sister and niece along with the car to my insurance policy. We split the bill. We also split the rent 3 ways since we are all working. 

Work is going okay. I was in training for a month, but I'm back on the phone this week at my normal hours on Tuesday. We have a shift bid on Nov. 6th and I'm hoping to get the 9 am to 5:45pm shift. I don't have any place to work in privacy anymore, so I'm set up in the dining room. April and Erica get home around 6 pm, and my hours end at 8 pm. It's going to be very inconvenient. 

If you haven't done the math, there are 3 people and 4 animals in a 1 bedroom apartment. It's very cozy, but so far we haven't had any blowouts or screaming matches. I am very grateful that we are all still together and safe. The apartment is okay, we had to leave a lot of stuff in the storage unit that we had rented when we got the eviction notice. Of course, we packed in a hurry, so we don't know where a lot of things are. As we've needed things we've gone back to the unit and looked for things, like winter clothes. 

Summer left without a word and Fall rushed in so faced and chilly. So, we had to go get our hoodies and scarves. The complex has a lot of trees and it's sort of woodsy, so it gets chilly when the sun goes down. 

I see my psychiatrist every 3 weeks, and I still see my therapist once a week. It's going pretty well. Last week wasn't good. I was very down, and just  wanted to pull the covers over my head, so that's what I did for 3 days. I didn't tell April and Erica. I didn't want them to get mad at me. But, they did notice I was feeling down. One day last week I was completely unfocused and unable to concentrate. I got lost going to the store, and I kept forgetting what I was doing. My psychiatrist told me  to check with my doctor to get some liver tests run, because I was also having abdominal pain and fatigue. I am hoping to get an appointment on the 10th of November, since I'm off that day. 

Well, I guess that's all. It's back to this thing called life. There are times when my mind still wanders as I wonder if this is really all there is. Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am. I am truly grateful to God for all He has done for me. I just wonder, you know. 

Peace Joy Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Happiest Unhappy Girl

 

Today, I have completed my second full week at work. I went back to work on September 1st. We had off for labor day. Yes, I'm still at Delta Dental. They didn't fire me, and since I haven't found another job, I didn't quit. 

My disability insurance finally came through, which is a blessing. I'm still looking for a new job, but I feel kind of guilty about it. My supervisor has been so loyal and supportive, I'd hate to tell her I'm quitting. However, we've talked quite often about me finding a position that makes me happy, and being on the phone is not something I want to do. 

My next step is to move up to a level 2 associate. That will probably happen in the next 6 months if I keep performing like I'm currently doing in training. My supervisor got me back into training, so I wasn't thrust back on the phones. I'll be in training until October 24th. I am so happy about that, I could spit. 

My brother still is not speaking to me, but he sends me money every week or so for gas money. I don't send him any messages or anything, as I am blocked. He communicates through April. I've been paying him $250 a month for my car and I pay on the 10th or 11th so he has it by the 15th when it's due. I can't say I miss him much. I really don't think about him much. 

I don't think about my parents too much either. I still talk to them at night when I see their stars outside. I wonder how it got to be that way. 4 months ago I was suicidal with grief. But now I'm doing quite well. My doctor got me on the right meds and I see my therapist once a week. I do daily affirmations, and positive self talk. I haven't had any intrusive thoughts. I have a suicidal thought every so often, and get an auditory hallucination from time to time. But I can call either my doctor or therapist at any time. 

Now for the bad news. We got evicted. We got the notice the beginning of last month, but we don't have a hearing date yet so  we are still in our apartment. I've been trying desperately to find a new apartment, but I either get denied for income or credit. We are all so frustrated and tired of living in limbo. I applied for another apartment today, so keep your fingers crossed. 

The funny thing is, I am surprisingly upbeat. While my circumstances aren't great, I remain hopeful and positive that everything will work out for the better. I believe that God has tested me and is looking at my faith in Him. Whenever I get a little blue, I pray. I know that God loves me and is by my side always. I suppose that's why I'm happy now.  

Peace Joy Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I Don't Want to Thanks

     

I wish I could say that I was doing exciting things, but the fact is, I'm not. A kind of boredom has crept into my life that is not unfamiliar. It's one of the symptoms of depression. Loss of interest and lack of motivation are plaguing me right now. I have things to do. I just don't feel like it. This of course, causes people to think that I am just lazy. I was starting to think that about myself, but it's not true. 

I start each day at 7:30 am when my alarm goes off. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I take Kyber to doggy daycare. After that, I have breakfast. Sometimes it's good and healthy, sometimes it's crap like I had this morning. I make my bed, take a shower (not today) and get dressed for my day. I try to look good everyday by fixing my hair and putting on a cute outfit, but lately, I just  don't seem to give a rat's ass. Today, it's a t-shirt and pajama pants. 

I did paint my nails and gave myself a facial, so I'm not a total mess. I had to make the bed today, otherwise I would have climbed back in and slept the day away like I did yesterday. It was April's birthday yesterday. I got her an official Eagles jersey. She loved it. Didn't get a hug though. I think my sister hates being touch in an affectionate manner. But that's her issue not mine. 

As far as things I can do with myself, I can always clean or write another chapter in my book. I have a scrapbook of my aunt to finish. I can clean out my closet and give some clothes to the Good Will. I have muffins I could bake for tomorrow's breakfast. I could read, pray or take a way. I just don't have any motivation to do any of those things. My concentration is so bad, I can't even watch TV. Not that there's much on anyway. 

Here's something that has me perplexed. My brother cut me off last month, right. How about he sent me $75 twice. I haven't spoken to him since that infamous email, but he sent me money. Isn't that wild? 

I've a few job interviews, but nothings happening. There is a job I would like a pharmaceutical company that starts in September. I applied for it through a headhunter. I'm hoping I get it. Pay starts at $20/hour. Otherwise, it's back to Delta Dental for me. I do not want to go back, but I may have to as rent must be paid. 

I'm filing for bankruptcy this week. I have over $20K in debt I have to pay off. I spend more that I make. Oh well, I don't really care anymore. But then again, I could win the billion dollar Mega Millions tomorrow. Wouldn't that be a dream come true? I'd still have problems, but money wouldn't be one. I'd pay off all our bills, and then disappear for a year. Maybe we'll move to Wyoming. Hmm. I could start my store Stuff-n-Things, Erica could open her comic book shop, and I could start my fund for pets in need of medical care. 

I'm not giving my family money, except for Jerald to pay back the car loan, and the rent he's paid for us. Otherwise that's it. I'm going to by a storybook cottage for myself and get a new Rogue. Finally, I'll be able to get a dog and another cat. Hmm, it's nice to think about anyway. 

That's all for now. Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Unquiet Mind

 

My brain has been spinning out of control for 3 weeks. I've have experienced racing thoughts, irritability, and suicidal ideations continuously. Fortunately, the suicidal ideations and thoughts of self harm have stopped for the time being. Also, I am not paranoid or experiencing hallucinations or delusions. I'm just here in a desperate attempt to keep my mind occupied.

Why am I spinning? I don't know. But, my thoughts don't always go around. Sometimes, they go laterally or horizontally. I'm travelling through time in my thoughts. I have vivid dreams of my family members running in all directions. I can see them, but they can't see me. I can hear them, but they can't hear me. I'm trying to figure out if I am actually still a member of this family or if I have finally been left behind. 

The other night, I had a dream about my mom. She was on her death bed and I was saying goodbye. It ended tenderly, but I woke up talking to her. I didn't feel her when I woke up. I have not felt her by my side for quite some time. 

I have also been dreaming about my past holidays. Joyous occasions where everyone is gathered, laughing and talking, exchanging gifts. I stand there watching, but there are no gifts for me. I am a shade watching the activities, like Scrooge. 

I don't want to be a shade. But that's exactly what reality would be if I did succeed in my suicide attempt. Maybe that is how my eternity would be spent, my own version of hell. I would be surrounded by family only to them I don't exist. 

Does it make me regret it? I honestly can't say yes. Those last days of April were not to long ago, yet it seems life a lifetime ago. I guess it was my old life. My new life is spent keeping a gratitude journal, writing my book, and writing letters. Writing, always writing. I exercise my brain this way, I want to keep it sharp and prepared. Prepared for what? I don't know. I've always thought I was a good conversationalist once I get past my social anxiety. I've been trying to push past that. The truth is I like to talk. It's just that I'm not one to talk for hours on end about the mundane. 

I've been trying to read more as well as write. My concentration, however, has been damaged and my memory as well. I can watch maybe 20 minutes of a TV program or movie. I can only sit still when I write. I can remember what I did yesterday, but not what I did or said 3 days ago. Part of it's the damage done by ECT all those years ago. Some is just the course of the disease. It may also have something to do with the medications I'm on right now. I would like to see an MRI of my brain just to see which parts are lit up when I feel good as opposed to depressed. 

I meditated today for about 45 minutes. It was very nice, but as soon as I was done, my brain was looking for something else to do. So, hence this blog entry. The unquiet mind is a terrible thing. I will continue to try and find peace for the rest of today. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Banished

 

The text call at 3:22pm today. It was my brother. He has cut me out of his life. 

i was told to get a job, any job

I wasn't allowed to have this illness anymore. 

I'm supposed to get over myself and take care of things on my own 

Mom and Dad are dead and he refuses to help me anymore

if I keep having trouble living then I should go to a permanent living facility.

he accused me of killing them by draining them

apparently if you are unable to work you are a drain on society

So here I am trying to process this information. Right now I am just stunned by this development.

It will probably hit me later on, maybe around his birthday. I'm constantly numb. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl : A Day in the Life

    

I am hating myself today. It's been going on for a few days now. This feeling of mediocracy and uselessness. I've been avoiding myself. I've been ignoring the phone. I spend my mornings in bed watching TV. I get up around 2 pm to shower and make my bed so it looks like I've done something. I have no drive. I feel like crying all the time. So, this is what my depression feels like. It looks like messy hair, an unwashed body and tooth crud. Why does this keep happening? Why can't I be a regular person who has a bad day and can go on living? Why does my world stop with one sad mood? 

I've come to accept the fact that I am not regular. I do not have regular moods or regular days. For those who have the regular or normal emotional states, it's a matter of some positive affirmations or shrugging off a feeling. For me, not so simple. Positive affirmations don't work for me so much. Sure, I know I am worthy of love and a good life. I've never doubted that. It's just that I have a hard time seeing it in the distance. 

I called my therapist yesterday, and we had a good session. A lightbulb did flash over my head. I've said many times that I hate my job. But, the truth is, I would hate any type of job because all I want to do is be creative. I want to act and I want to write. I have given myself until the end of August to complete my plan of finding a relatively easy job that will allow me to pursue my acting career. I am going to search for open auditions and try to pursue stage acting and rejoin Actor's Access so I can submit for background and day actor jobs. There's my task for today. Search for open auditions. It will be a little tough without headshots, but I don't care. Who knows, I may be discovered. 

I should cry today. I feel it building up. I should let it out and just get it over with. I also should take a shower and wash my hair, but quite frankly, I don't want to. I'll spend a little time trying to do my search, then I don't know. I don't have any food, so I guess I can't eat today. Oh well. I'm tired now. 

Maybe I'll go through my workbooks  from all my hospital stays. Yippee. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Family Way

 

Something is happening with my family. It seems they notice me. I mean they know I'm alive. I'm not just some haunted figure floating in the background of their conversations. I, it seems, have something to say, and they want to hear it. I know that to some it may seem like this is what I wanted all along, but it's not. I have never lacked attention from my family until recent years with my sister. I did at times feel unheard by the world, but never by my family. They've all been a phone call away. 

I suppose this new revelation has come about because I am finally speaking up. I'm doing more things with April and Erica because I make myself present. I approach them with conversations and participate in some of the things they do. I think because I ask them, they are now more open to the idea of me coming along. I'm no longer an albatross around their necks. I am getting help for my illness and it is starting to show. 

I had 2 conversations with relatives today. The first was with my beloved Aunt Gloria. I was sitting on the couch falling into a depressed mood, when I suddenly thought of her. It's been a week since I talked to her, so I called just to hear a friendly voice and an encouraging word. She never disappoints. We talked for about 20 minutes. I relax when I hear her voice. It's like a tonic. It reminds me of my parents. They, too, were always glad to hear from me. The second call was a return call to my Uncle Dave. I don't hear from him too often, but he wanted to see how I was doing. At first, we talked about him and his health journey and his retirement. But then, the topic came around to me. He had read my posts and wanted to talk to me about it. At first, I was a bit hesitant. But then, I thought "why not?" 

So we talked about me and my grief over my parents and my subsequent suicide attempt. He was a little taken aback, but he was okay with it. I am really transparent when it comes to talking about my illness. I figure it removes the stigma and it tends to make other people feel more comfortable when they see that I'm not embarrassed. 

We had a nice conversation about life and God. I need to to lay down my burdens and stop carrying the responsibility for the world on my shoulders. He told me I am not supposed to follow the word of God but to live it. For it is through God's grace and mercy that we are here. Jesus paid for my sin already, so I need to put down my burdens, confess and acknowledge my sins and then ask for forgiveness. He reminded me that we are supposed to live in the spirit not in the flesh. I've been so busy trying to be perfect in the flesh, that it's no wonder I get so tired. So, I'm laying it all at God's feet. I give up the flesh and will live in the spirit of God. Maybe then I can finally get some rest. 

I suppose, if I stop and think about it, that's what my family has been trying to tell me my whole life. Do not live for yourself but live through Christ. That is why He died for us. I know all this really, but like most things I know when it comes to my emotions, I have a hard time translating what my head knows to what my heart believes. I think I'll stop being a scientist all the time and become a more spiritual person.   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Starting Over

 

I am now 57 years old. I will be 58 years old in 45 days. Let's face it, I'm in the last chapters of my life. It occurred to me today, that this is my last shot to live the life I want. I have to change things now, if I want to enjoy these years, my twilight years. 

As I have stated before, I hate my job, so I'm seeking a new job. I also previously stated that I am an actor. No one's heard of me, and I haven't been in anything of note other than a few background jobs. But, this I do know. I am a good actor. I have it in me to do something great. Do I dream of working with some big names? Yes! Do I think of winning awards? Absolutely! However, I know I face some obstacles. But, if I apply myself, I know I can do it. 

So, there you go. That's my goal and dream. But what do I do in the meantime? Do I quit my job thereby taking a huge leap faith? My previous thought process tells me, No No Hell No! But it my present mind, I want to place my faith in God, because I believe that that is the path on which He is leading me. Faith is something I have always had in short supply. But, my conversations with Him have become more frequent. He does know my deepest desires and I must, if I call myself a true believer, follow my calling. 

How did I come to realize this? Well, I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I went to confession on Friday. I confessed my sins, especially my suicide attempt. When I was done, I felt free. I felt closer to Him than I've ever felt in my life. I want to worship. I want to be a testament to God's mercy and grace. After all, I should have died. But, I forgot that suicide was a grave sin and my eternity would have been exceedingly unpleasant. I wouldn't have seen my parents as I wanted to do. In fact, I would have spent a great deal of time in Hell repenting my sin. That thought didn't occur to me when I took the pills. It is quite the deterrent now. 

So, I have decided instead of changing my existing life. I am going to start over. I am going to study acting in earnest. There are some books on Amazon that I want to order. Now that I have a top of the line phone, I can tape my auditions well. Also, I will be more mindful of myself. I am no longer going to be a people pleaser. I give myself the permission to say no if I want. That's a difference, a big difference. Additionally, I'm no longer going to focus on work so much. I'm just looking for a job with a decent paycheck and decent benefits. I had thought I was going to retire at Delta Dental, but no more. 

It's been difficult to separate my time at work and my time at home since I work from home. But, I am now ready to leave the house and get out in the world. Starting over means I will no longer look back at things I haven't done or not completed. I don't want a college degree anymore. I mean, I have my associates, but I no longer think I'm a failure for not having a bachelor's. I've met too many people that don't use it or found it worthless in the long run. 

Another big change is that I no longer feel the need of having a man. It just doesn't appeal to me right now. I met this guy the other day on Tik Tok. He seemed nice at first but said he couldn't call me on the phone because he may get in trouble on his job. WTF??? I am like, no thank you. Been there done that. Plus, he claimed he was working in Tampa. Anyway, Tampa is not that far from me if he wanted to meet, and if you can't call me on the phone, something stinks. So, I'm not going down that road. I'll just stay to myself and concentrate on my career and God. 

I'm still writing my book. I've got 5 chapters and 39 pages. I think it flows quite well. I don't make story notes or map it out. I just write off the top of my head according to how the story tells itself. I've been told many times that I am a good writer, so I'll see how it turns out if I ever get it finished. 

Starting over is difficult, but it's something I have to do. I have to put my trauma, my painful memories behind me and move on from my grief. But, if nothing else, it turns out I am a fighter. I never wanted to be, trust me. I get so exhausted from picking up the pieces. But I do, and I manage to put myself back together. So, here's to me, a new woman? No, just a smarter one. 

Peace Joy Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

 

There's a song by the Bee Gees with the above title. How can you mend a broken heart? It's a good question. One that I think deserves an answer. How do you heal from grief? I don't think you can. It's just something that you carry with you. It's like a stone in your chest. Sometimes it's small, other times it grows so heavy that you can't breath. 

It was one of those days for me. I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream about my parents. We were in our old house on Knight Road. My parents were happily together. My brother and sister were putting up decorations and my mom was in the kitchen cooking. My dad was outside cleaning up the yard. I was there too. However, no one could see me. Every time I called out to them, no one answered. They were all happy and laughing and talking, but I wasn't included. Slowly, it dawned on me that I was a shade. It was if I had never been. It was a happy family of four. 

I woke up at 4:30 am wondering where I was, who I was. I realized that I was in my room in Georgia. My parents gone, and there was no happy family. So, I got up and went to the bathroom. Then I went and smoked a cigarette on the porch, trying to figure out what the dream meant. I went back to bed and fell asleep. I had two hours before my alarm went off at 6:30. 

The dream I fell into is familiar. I am standing in a wood while a fierce hurricane swirled around me. I saw the faces of my family. Again and again, I called out to them, but no one could hear me. I could hear my mom calling for me, but could not go to her. The winds were so fast. So, I stood there, screaming. I woke up with a powerful headache trying to decide if I wanted to get out of bed. Eventually, I did because I had to take the dog to day care. But the rest of the day I was disconnected and sad. Then the song came on in our processing group. Not the Bee Gees song, but another song that someone chose as there goodbye to the group song. It made me think of my parents and I started to cry. 

The lyrics were powerful. I felt a surge of grief rush upon me, and I wept. God, I want my mom. I want my dad. I'm still not okay. I've come a way, but I don't think it's been long enough. How long will it be before I stop hurting? When will my broken heart mend? I'm tired of hearing that think of happy memories, I do. I'm sick of people who say they understand. No you don't! This is MY pain, my grief, my pain, my heart! 

I think being bipolar amplifies one's emotions to a higher level of feeling. We don't just get angry, we rage inside. We don't just get happy, we become overly happy to the point of mania at times. Sadness runs deep cutting us apart inside. I have put the pieces back together so many times, I don't know if I can mend my heart again. It's just too hard. Who'll show me how? I suppose I must lay it at God's feet and let Him take over. Today, I am tired. I need to rest. I need to learn how to just be. Problem is I never learned how to just be. Adulting sucks. I want to climb into bed with my parents again as a little girl. I felt safe there. I was young and my heart whole. I can't make it whole again on my own. It's too difficult. I don't know how to mend a broken heart. Who'll show me how? 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Connections

 

We make a lot of connections in our lives. I know I have. I've met all kinds of people. Some of them good, some of them confused, and some just plain old creepy. It's not just the men either. I've met some women that gave off bad juju too. 

But what of those connections that stick? You know the ones that have become friendships. How do you keep it going and how do you not lose touch? That's been a problem of mine for sometime. I have made great friends, but the most important I lost in the shuffle. It wasn't their fault. It was mine. I stopped talking. I shut down completely because I didn't want anyone to see the ugly world in my head. 

I lost my very best friend in my 20's. Her name was Pam. I was going through a bad depressive episode and completely cut her off. We are now just Facebook friends having rediscovered each other. We will never be close again which is regrettable because I miss her terribly. I wasn't there when she needed me. I had run away. 

In my 30's, I was in vet tech school and met Eileen, Stephanie, Marge and Rachel. I really loved them. The only one I talk to now is Eileen. In fact, after a year of letters and the occasional text messages, I just got off the phone with her this afternoon. We spoke for a good 40 minutes. She married her longtime boyfriend several years ago and they have 2 fabulous kids. Stephanie died of a drug overdose a few years ago. I think about her often. Rachel is married with at least 1 child, but I haven't heard from her in 2 years or so. Marge is a bit older  than me. We got along great. But, my disease scares her, so I can't really talk to her much. She did send me a nice message on Facebook when I got home a few weeks ago. 

I have no friends locally. As I said before, COVID did some serious damage to my social skills. I stay at home most of the time. I try to be friendly when I'm out but it's kind of hard to be sociable when you have nothing to say. Guys will want to know why you don't have any girlfriends. Some guys like it that way so they can use you and you have no one to talk to about things. They prey on women like me. So, I don't talk to guys very much. I don't trust them much anyway. I am trying to change that behavior so I don't shoo away Mr. Right, if he ever comes around. 

Human beings are social creatures. We need each other or else we'll go mad from loneliness. I've come to learn that I am hungry for interaction. I would love to have a trusted girlfriend to talk to every day, and meet up on the weekends. I guess you could say I'm looking for my best friend, my ride or die friend. 

I even tried going into the office to meet people, but surprise, nearly everyone works at home. There were only about 6 people on our half of the floor. I don't know if I'll go back in right away. I'd like to work from home a little bit more at first. That's if I have a job. I'm not too concerned. I suppose I should be, but there you go. 

The point is, I'm reaching out. So far  the response has been good. I will be keeping in touch with my friends from now on. I'm intent on making some connections with someone. I'm a nice person, I'm kind and considerate. I'm a loyal friend. At least, I try to be. We'll see how it works out going forward. 

Until next time, Peace Joy Love- B