Holiday Blues

It's been a while since my last blog.  I've been feeling a little lost.  My classes are over and I did well.  I got an A in both classes. I'm in Michigan at my dad's house. I thought I would feel better once I got out of South Carolina for a while, but I don't.  I've been sleeping a lot and isolating myself in the guest room.  Even the dog has failed to pick up my spirits.

I wrote out a proposal for my mom and aunt to get a cat and left it for them to read while I'm gone.  I attached articles about the benefit of having a pet, especially for the mentally ill.  I hope it gets approved.  Anyway,  I guess you're wondering why I had to go to such lengths.  I really don't know.  All I know is that I need something to love. I need to give affection and love to another living thing.  I've already given in to having a dog.  But a cat doesn't need to be walked. Don't get me wrong, I know a cat is just as much responsibility as a dog. But, a cat can pretty much entertain himself.  

I am looking for an older cat, loving,affectionate, and likes to cuddle. Plus, I want it to sleep with me. She/he will have access to the main living area during the day, but the litter box, food and water would be in my room.  That way she won't have to wander around the apartment at night.

All in all, I'd have to say 2016 was a successful year.  I completed a year of school, lost 55 pounds, and joined the catholic church. There are somethings that didn't happen;  I didn't find any friends to hang out with, I didn't meet my special someone. I guess there is just something about me that sends out a desperation pheromone. I have my family, but it is not enough. I am lonely. I am hungry for companionship. I don't know what to do. I am looking forward to next year, maybe things will be different. Maybe, I will make friends, and go on a date. Maybe my classes will be exciting. I will continue my healthy eating plan, and lose another 35 pounds.  I wish I loved myself today. Right now, I am full of self doubt, and anxiety. Maybe I will feel better after lunch, anyway that's all for now. I wish I had something more exciting to talk about. Until then, Peace, Joy, Love - B

Overdrawn...again

I'm overdrawn at the bank again.  This is only the second time in 3 years, but still I was overdrawn $161.00.  That is a big chunk of money for a person on disability.  That could have paid off one of my medical bills. or I could have used that money to by my medication.  I was out of almost everything, so I paid $107 for my medications today.  My insulin alone cost $56.  

Can someone please explain to me why medication costs so much?!  It's not like the drugs I take are new or somehow magical.  The patents on them are long expired, and all my drugs are generic because that's how my insurance works.   

So, I did get my check today, and I paid my bills.  I couldn't make my usual payments, and have to make sure I have enough money to get by until next month.  I may need to put out a may-day call to my dad for $100 to get by until then.  I'm maxed out on my MasterCard and Visa, too.  I had a couple of manic days and did some online shopping.  I had a lot of fun, and got some really nice stuff at a good sale price.  I don't regret any of my purchases, presents are bought, and I am set for fall and winter.  I bought clothes that will take me season to season without a problem and can be considered classic pieces.

I guess I'm just making excuses, trying to justify my bad judgment in handling my money.  I really need to find a part-time job when I get back from Michigan.  I don't know what to do.  I should try to get a job with a nonprofit, as that is my education major.  It can only be part-time, because I am very uncertain about my mental stability as far as trying to balance everything.  

I guess I should run it by my therapist, see what she thinks.  I've only been on my new medication cocktail for a month now.  I don't want to do too much too soon.  I'll have to think on it some more.

We should be getting a cost of living increase in 2017 for disability payments.  But, I am getting a supplemental medical policy that will cost me $45 a month.  It will pay for the co-pays etc., that Medicare doesn't pay.  Hopefully, it will be worth the money. 

I went to the OB/GYN last Wednesday about my cramping.  I was convinced something was happening to me, like I had uterine cancer.  Fortunately, everything turned out normal.  I may be cramping due to low back problems.  I have been having some sciatic nerve pain, but I didn't know the pains were related.  I will wait until January to see an orthopaedic doctor.  I've had 2 back surgeries, so I know how it's going to go. First, physical therapy, if that doesn't work cortisone shots, then after all that I'm back in the operating room.  I hope that medicine has advanced enough since 2001, that all this can be done on an outpatient basis.

What I really need is to win the sweepstakes.  Just $10,000 would help me out beyond measure.  Of course, I want to win the multi-million dollar prize.  But, I am trying to remain slightly realistic.

Oh well, I'll count my pennies and say my prayers.  God is my provider, so He'll make sure I have everything I need.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Cigarettes

Okay, this time I mean it.  I am going smokeless.  I know I've said it before, and I've tried it before.  This time I have no choice.  It's quite simple, really.  I am flat broke.  I have no money until Wednesday.  That's when I get my disability check.  I'm already overdrawn at the bank.  I had to ask my mom for money today so I could get 2 of my medications.  I would be ashamed to ask her for cigarette money.
It's my own fault.  I went a little nuts this month with my spending.  I had a couple of manic days, and I like to shop online.  Everything was on sale, but still, I should have known better.  I have to be extra careful this month, because I even spent my savings.  I have nothing in reserve, and my credit cards are maxed out.  I feel so stupid.
I smoke Pall Mall menthol 100s at $4.31 a pack.  I smoke a pack a day, so that's around $25 a week. That means I could be saving $100 a month!!  I could use that money to buy something worth while, or put it in an emergency fund.  I am also trying to raise money for charity, so I think I should make the sacrifice.  Sure, I will be kind of crabby for a week or so, and my coffee won't taste as good.  But, I need to cut back on my caffeine as well.  Lately, I've been drinking 3 to 4 large cups a day.
My biggest problem is what to do when I'm bored.  I used to eat, now I smoke.  I'm down to 217 lbs, from a high in May of 265 lbs.  I still have a way to go to reach my goal weight of 175 lbs.  but I don't want to blow it.  I guess I'll have to break down and exercise.  I really hate exercise.  I like walking enough, but it's much better with someone else.  But, I don't have a dog or any friends still, so I guess I'll have to put on some tunes and hit the pavement.
I'm down to my last pack. There's about 16 cigarettes left.  Maybe I could ration them out.  Maybe I should try the patch again.  I'd try Chantix, but with my mental health I don't want to risk it.  I'm finally at a place where I feel so well.  I have been feeling great for the past 3 weeks.  At my last appointment, my psychiatrist made a medication change.  That, along with an attitude adjustment, has me feeling like a regular person.  I haven't had any panic attacks, or depression for a while.  It feels kind of weird but I like it.
My classes are going very well also.  I am sure I am getting an A in one class, and I have a strong B in the other as of midterms.  We just had a test last week, but it hasn't been graded yet, but I feel I did well.  I am not putting any pressure on myself to get straight As.  It would just be nice to do it.
I am also feeling pretty good, because I feel I have found my calling in the nonprofit world.  I started a petition on Change.org.  It's called "Make animal abuse a felony".  I am trying to get the legislature to make animal cruelty offenses a felony and punishable by serious jail time, instead of misdemeanor charges and fines.  I am also calling for a animal abuse registry, to keep offenders from ever having an animal in their care again.  So take a look on www.change.org and look for my petition to help end animal abuse.
My brother is coming down for Thanksgiving.  I'm very excited about it. I haven't seen him in 3 years.  We don't talk a lot as we have a complicated history.  But I love him very much and am really looking forward to spending some time with him.  Then, on December 13th, it's off to Michigan to see my dad!!!  I will be there for 3 weeks.  I am beyond excited.
Well, I guess that's all for now.  You'll have to excuse me, I'm not used to being happy.  So, I'm not sure what to write about half the time.  Most of my life has been turmoil, so these are new feelings for me.  I'll talk to you soon.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Busy Girl

Oh! Where to start since my last post?  Well, I guess first off, I am still cramping.  My pap smear came back normal.  But, I made an appointment with a gynecologist anyway.  Pap smears can only tell you about your cervix.  I think there is something going on with my ovaries or uterus.  My appointment is November 9th.  I'm a new patient, so I have to wait. 

I have seen my psychiatrist and therapist twice since I last posted.  My psychiatrist changed my meds and I am feeling better already.  I have been in a depression for quite a while, and just wasn't seeing any improvement.  I was falling behind in school, not bathing or eating as I should.  I lost 5 lbs.  Which is a good thing.  I now weigh 222.5 lbs.  I am still a long way off from my goal, but every little bit helps.  I hope to get down to 175 lbs. by next year.  I started my eating program in May of this year, so I have time.  I really need to go walking.  I stopped walking this summer because it was just too darn hot.  Now that the temperature has dropped, and the days are crisp, I have no excuse.

My therapist, Mary, is simply the best.  She is proud of the way I have been able to recognize and deal with my symptoms.  I have dealt with most of my issues through prayer.  I was ready my bible everyday, and doing daily devotions.  I say was, because I have slacked off as late.  I don't know what happened.  Well, yes I do. Everytime I get depressed, I turn my back to God.  You would think that I would run to Him at those times. But instead, the old tapes play in my head that no one loves me, not even God.  So, I shut everybody out.

My mom was very ill last week.  I had to rush her to the ER. She was dizzy, nauseated, weak, slurring her speech and had terrible pain in her feet and legs.  At first, I thought she might be having a heart attack or stroke.  They did a Cat Scan, MRI, took x-rays, blood work, urinalysis.  Everything came back normal.  They didn't have a clue what was happening with her.  Anyway, they put her on fluids and pain meds, and a couple of days in the hospital she was better. She went in on Monday night and was home Wednesday afternoon.  She is almost back on her feet.  She has to use a walker, because her back is hurting from the hospital bed.

My favorite uncle was in the hospital last week too.  He has 2 lesions on his brain, and was in excruciating pain.  They wanted to operate but he is on a blood thinner for a heart condition, so they couldn't operate.  He is at home now and resting comfortably.  Both my mom and my uncle have home health care coming in.  My mom needs physical therapy and a nurse.  She had one before she got sick.  It will probably start up again after I take her to the doctor on Wednesday.  Did I forget to mention that while all this was going on, my aunt was out of town?  She went to California for 2 weeks, so I am my mom's sole caregiver right now.  I don't mind.  I asked God to give me the privilege of caring for my parents because I see it as a sacred duty.  It is exhausting though.  I've never been so tired.  Fortunately, I have been able to handle everything.  My issues became non-existing when my mom got sick.  I was just so focused on her, I forgot about my fears and depression.  I think I grew up a little bit during this time.  I am more mature.  I had to call the family, and explain calmly and clearly what was going on with mom.  I am a little proud of myself, if I do say so.  I give all thanks, praise and glory to God for helping me pass this test.  I did not panic, I did not cry and I did not take to my bed.   Things needed to be done and I did them.

School is going well, I got my midterm grades and I have a solid B in my online class and an A in my on campus class.  We have a project instead of a final paper or test in my on campus class.  We are helping out a nonprofit organization get better developed.  I took on the challenge of coming up with marketing strategies.  So far, so good.  The executive director of the organization is very happy with my work so far.  I like the organization so much I became a monthly donor.  It's called Speak for Animals.  They provide low to no cost spay/neuters to low income and disabled people in impoverished neighborhoods.  I am so excited about this project, it was just the thing I needed to get my creative juices flowing. 

I've got all my Christmas shopping done already.  I am waiting for one more thing to come in the mail, and then I will have everything wrapped packed and ready to mail.  I am spending this Christmas with my dad again this year, and got him a big screen TV for his birthday which is December 21st.  I got him a couple of little things for Christmas as well.  I only want one thing for Christmas; some lace handkerchiefs. Just a little feminine thing to dab my eyes or blow my nose. I can't think of anything else I want.  I'm a simple girl with simple tastes.  I like seeing the look on everyone's faces as they open their gifts.  That's the best part of Christmas for me.  I like to give.  Sometimes, people think I give too much, but that is how I show my love.  I pay attention to people, and listen for clues for what they might like or want.

Well, I guess that catches you up for now.  I am so tired of this election nonsense I can't stand it anymore. I have a doctor appointment on election day, but I will exercise my right and vote.  Then maybe all the ads will stop and we can get on with life.  No matter who wins, he/she will have a nation to repair in attitude and policy. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to live in another country, but then I think I would have to remain a US citizen.  No matter what, this is still the best country in the world.  Besides, I wouldn't know where to go.  Take Care.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I should be doing my homework right now.  But, I am not.  I have 3 assignments due tomorrow night by midnight.  I printed them up, but they remain safely nestled in my class folder sitting on my bed.  Why am I not doing them?  Because, quite frankly, I do not care.  I have other things on my mind.
About 2 weeks ago, I started having menstrual cramps.  But, I have not bled.  This is unusual, because I have not had a period for 4 years.  I let it go a week, then I called the doctor.  I had my appointment this past Tuesday.  They examined me, did a full pelvic exam and pap smear.  She also screened my urine for a possible urinary tract infection.  She said she should hear something by today, Thursday.  But, so far nothing.
I had to take my mom to her this morning.  She is having more debilitating pain in her left knee.  While I was there, I asked about my lab work.  Nothing back yet, I was told.  So, I called at at 3:45pm, right before they close.  Nothing back yet, the nurse said again.  Okay, I am freaking out now.  My doctor is not in tomorrow, so that means I have to wait until Monday.
I don't know if they know this, but you don't tell a person with an anxiety disorder to wait.  It is truly killing me.  The worst possible diagnosis has engraved in my brain.  Something bad came back with my pap smear.  I have cervical cancer.  I just know there is something wrong with me.  Otherwise, the tests would have come back already.
I am so wrapped up in this, I cannot concentrate on anything else.  Of course, I am worrying over nothing, right?  The lab is just slow.  They are backed up.  I am trying to convince myself that is the case.  But, in my heart, I know it's not true.  I just need it confirmed. What will I do if I have cancer?
First, I have to figure out a way to tell my mom, as I did not tell her about the cramping.  It's still going on by the way.  I bought some specialized medical insurance several months ago.  It covers heart attack, stroke and cancer.  So, I think I am okay financially.  It's the chemotherapy that scares me.  I don't want to be sick.  I want to finish school, go to church, visit my father and a million other things.  I know that cancer treatment has advanced, but I've always heard the cure is worse than the disease.
This is all my fault for not taking good care of myself.  If only...
But, I can't turn back time.  I can't change anything I've done.  I can change the future.  So, I have been praying for healing of an unknown illness, and strength to go through whatever God has planned for me.  I know, you are probably saying, she is blowing this way out of proportion.  It's true, I have a tendency to do that.  But, I know my body, I know when something isn't right.  There is something going on within me.  Besides, I had originally thought ovarian cancer.  I was one of those women who put baby powder in her underwear everyday.  Plus, both are rather difficult to diagnose.  So, how can I be sure?
So, I wait and worry, worry and wait.  I have a feeling I won't get my homework done this weekend.  I'll do it for tomorrow night, but it won't be my best effort.  How could it?  I don't really care.
I'll keep you posted on how everything goes.  In the meantime, you'll probably see a couple of more posts from me.  All I'll be doing is waiting and wondering and thinking too much.  Please pray for me.
Peace, Joy, Love
Bev

The Letter Never Sent

Dear Family and Friends,

If you are reading this, I am dead.  I have taken my own life by overdose.  I know you are shocked, dazed and confused.  I know you have questions.  But, let me assure you of one thing, this is NOT your fault.  It's no one's fault, except mine.  This has nothing to do with what anyone did or said.  Nor is it the fault of what you didn't do or say.  This was my choice.
The truth is, I simply couldn't handle it anymore.  Mental illness is not like they portray in the movies or on TV.  I did not make cute or funny remarks.  I did not fall in love with someone who broke my heart.  I was not the wacky neighbor next door.  No, I was very broken and living in a state of perpetual agony.  Death comes as a sweet release from all the pain.
I wish I could explain it better.  But, I lived my life in a constant panic.  What was I afraid of?  I was afraid of everything and nothing.  There were days where I could conquer the world.  There were days, too many, where the very sight of the sun filled me with dread.  I could not breathe, I could not see, and I could not hear all of the things that the wondrous works of God had set before me.
I know I have sinned by doing this, for I broke a commandment.  But it wasn't the first time.  The first time was when I allowed myself to believe the words of the enemy, and turned my back on God.  There are 3 other occasions when I attempted suicide, but God, in His wisdom, saved me from myself.  He told me that He loved me and had great blessings in store for me.  I believed Him.
But this time, the world got too big, and I could not hear Him with all the voices in my head.  They drowned out the Word of the Lord.  I could not find Him, and I was so tired of looking.  I cried out to Him, but I guess He did not hear me.  If He did, I was not there.  I was lost at sea, swept up in a hurricane and tossed about like sticks.  The waves were so high.  Believe me when I tell you I tried to hold on to something, anything.  But, finally it was just too much and I let the riptide pull me under.
What do I expect you to do now?  Nothing.  Just go on and live your lives as people do.  If you want to, light a candle and pray for my soul so I do not spend eternity in Purgatory.  I'm sorry if I've left a hole in your lives, but it cannot compare to the gaping cavern that was in mine.
I loved with my whole heart.  I felt too much.  I gave too much.  As a result, I hurt too much.  You cannot imagine greeting each day with fear.  Not knowing if you will be able to get out of bed.  Sometimes, it took me hours just to convince myself to shower.  I literally sat there talking to myself, trying to decide if standing under some cleansing water would be in my best interest.  Most of the time, I decided it wasn't and went back to bed.  The only really safe place in the world for me, besides my mother's arms, was my bed.  I snuggled under my covers to read and to dream.  There were no questions, no pitiful looks, no uh-oh there she goes again phrases.  No one told me to snap out of it, or get it together and no mirrors.
Believe me, if you thought I looked bad sometimes, you cannot imagine how I felt about myself.  I loathed myself.  To me, there was no one uglier, disfigured or more horrible to look at than me.  Sure, I could look normal, but on the inside there was a grotesque figure of a woman that deserved to be killed.
I ask that someone look after my mom.  She has been through too much with me.  She won't understand that this was necessary.  I was such a heavy burden.  She will miss me the most I think.  As for the rest of you, I ask you to keep your pity.  There was nothing you could have done.  I had once pulled suicide off the table.  But, this time it was the only option.  My heart was in so many pieces trampled on the ground, that no one could have put them back together.  So, with that, I say that I am sorry.  I'm sorry I left my family behind to deal with my mess.  I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way.  Maybe, I just wasn't supposed to be here in the first place.  Please do not be angry with me.
Just be happy for me.  The nightmare is finally over.  The demons said "come" and I went.  I couldn't fight anymore.  I've been fighting all my life.  It was time.  The deed is done.  Peace be with you all.  I loved you all more than you know.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Ramblings of a Crazy Girl

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.  Do I tell him how I really feel? I suppose I should, but I don't want to go to the hospital.  You see, for the past 2 days I have been contemplating suicide.  I have been writing letters in my head and figuring out the best way to do it.  That, my friends, is a one way ticket to at least a 7 day stay in the local psychiatric facility.
I am all despair.  I have homework to do and can't seem to get my thoughts together.  I am having problems concentrating again.  I have an assignment due tomorrow night, but don't think I will make it to class.  The world has become a scary place.  Birds singing sounds like fingernails scraping a blackboard.  The TV gets on my nerves as well.  I can barely read in my bible, the concepts too hard to comprehend, even though I have a study bible.
I bought some string lights from Target, so I don't have to sleep with the lamp on all night.  It gives the right balance of darkness and light to my room. so I can sleep well.  I still wake up tired though, the dread of a day's activity falling over me like a cloak.
I can't talk to anyone without crying.  So, tomorrow's doctor visit should be fun.  The only thing keeping me going is my anticipated trip to my father in December.  I really need him now, but that is not possible unless I drop out of the semester. which I can't do.
There is a virus of fear eating me on the inside, and I don't know what to do.  So, I stay in my room, only coming out to go to the bathroom, eat and smoke.  I can go out onto the porch.  It is screened in, so it is still within my living space.  If I go outside the apartment, I feel eyes on me.
I wish I could laugh again.  I haven't laughed in a long time.  I feel like I am disappearing.  All that is left is a sack of depression.  I pray all the time.  I wonder if God ever gets tired of hearing from me.  I told him my name and address last night, just in case he forgot me.  Yesterday being a big day and all.  Mother Theresa became a saint, so maybe heaven has been busy getting ready.
I have to go now.  I need to go to the bathroom.  I didn't want to say anything important, sorry if I bothered you.  I know you have more important things to do than than read the rambling thoughts of some crazy girl.  Thanks for your time.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

The Psychiatrist, the Demons, and Me All Walked into a Bar....

I went to see my doctor after the demons came.  It did not go well.  I don't think he believed me.  I told him what happened and he said it had to happen more frequently in order for him to do anything. I was dumbstruck.  I took it to mean that I had to be utterly terrified on a weekly basis for him to help me.  I tried to explain what I was feeling and he got mad at me.  I started to cry.  I told him that they were always there. 

He said to me, "Now, I feel like you're being manipulative, first you tell me it only happened one time, now you're saying they are there all the time.  What's the damn truth?!!"  How does a person respond to that?  Here I am telling my PSYCHIATRIST what's going on with me mentally and emotionally and I get scolded like some child!

I didn't say anything after that.  I have no idea what he was talking about. How was I being manipulative?  Because I cried?  That happens a lot at a mental health office, I hate to tell you doc! What would have happened if I was being manipulative?  Did he think I wanted more drugs?  Yeah, right, like I need more pills.  I don't want to be so drugged up that I become non-functional.  I've been there before.  It turned me into a 279 lb. sobbing mess.  All I did was sleep and cry and eat.  I had to go to the hospital to get weaned off all the drugs I was taking!  Turns out they were at toxic levels to boot!  

I talked to my fellow mental peers about it. I talked to my priest about it.  I was feeling so distressed about the bad feelings I was having towards my doctor, that I felt I had to go to confession.  I prayed over it.  In the end, I forgave him for his harsh words, because the bitterness was beginning to fester. I talked to my therapist about it this week and she apologized on behalf of the practice.  Get this, there is no mention of the encounter in that visits notes.  He probably doesn't even remember.

I thought briefly about finding a new doctor, but good psychiatrists are hard to find in this area.  He is good at what he does, even though his bedside manner sucks.  

Anyway, I sleep with the lights on now.  I pray every night, and ask God to send a band of angels to stand around my bed and to send the Archangel Michael to slay the demons if they do come.  It's working.  I haven't had a nightmare or anything since.  I'd say it was a case of faith in God over faith in science. 

I see him again on the 6th.  I don't think I'll be bringing up the topic again, unless of course something happens between now and then.  But, I don't think it will.  I just got a couple of new books of daily and nightly devotions to read before I say my prayers.  I constantly keep Jesus on my mind and in my heart.  My faith is increasing all the time.  Is it unshakable?  Of course not.  I expect things to come up to try and break me.  But, I am a much stronger person than I was last year.  Now that school has started again, I'm much too busy to fret over little things.

I submitted my first assignment today in one of my 2 classes.  It's not due until midnight tomorrow but I wanted to get it done and out of the way.  Besides, I have 3 articles and journal entries to make for my other class due next Tuesday.  Plus, it's time for football!!!  I'll do Adoration on Friday nights, mass on Saturday nights, and watch football on Sunday afternoons.  I'll be doing homework during the week.  I'm still not working, since I don't think I am strong enough yet.  I've what you might say is semi-stable for all of 2 weeks.  All in all this wasn't a good summer for me.  

I'm hoping now that I have concrete things to focus on, I won't go into a depression, but I have to watch my anxiety levels as well.  Too much anxiety and I'll have a panic attack, which then paralyzes me for the whole day.  They last at least 2 hours, and then it's another 3 hours before I can function normally.  The anxiety also sets my blood sugar out of whack.  It's been running kind of low lately, so I have to make sure I eat healthy meals throughout the day, whether I'm really hungry or not.  But, I also can't go over my calorie intake allowance for the day, because I am trying to lose more weight.  I'm trying to get to 175 lbs. I am currently at 233 lbs.  The days are getting cooler so I can finally get outside and walk consistently.  As long as I'm not experiencing some anxiety driven agoraphobia, that is.  Anyway, I continue to pray for humility, patience and strength of faith.  I lay all my anxieties and fears at the feet of the Lord.  If it is a case of faith over science, I am to be on the side of faith.

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

The Demons Came

They came for me in the wee hours of Sunday morning.  The Dark Man, the Old Crone, the Bald Man, the Black-toothed Man and the Witch, they are the Shadow People who normally come when I am in a deep depression.  I have not been depressed lately.  The past couple of weeks, I have been feeling pretty well.  But, they can anyway.

This time they called my name, waking me out of a deep sleep.  I saw them fully, and smelled them in their dirty stinking rags, their breath like death.  I saw the hands like bones, covered with a thin, oozing layer of skin.  The long broken yellowed nails with who know what kind of dirt under them.

"Come with us" the Dark Man said.  I did not go.  I pulled the covers over my head so they couldn't see me.  Like a child, I figured if they couldn't see me, they would go away.  They called my name again, then they went away.

When I woke up, they were no longer standing around my bed.  It was daylight. and they don't come out in the daylight.  When it's daylight, they linger in the corners.  If I look closely, I can see them in the corner of my eye.  They are demons, come to take me to the deep pits of the netherworld.  They hiss and whisper lies to convince me that God is not real, that there is only them.  I have been working to strengthen and increase my faith.  I recently signed up for an hour of Adoration of the Eucharist.  I have been praying the Holy Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary every night.  Is that why they came?  Did they come to shake my faith to the point of utter despair?  They wish me to turn my back on God, and go back to the way it was before I found the Church.

When they whispered to me before, I used to listen.  I would stay in bed, crying, feeling worthless believing that no one, especially God could love me.  I was lost in the storms of confusion, and lifelessness.  But, I am not that person anymore.  I think I made them angry.  That's why they came.

I am going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow because this was a new experience.  I never saw them all gathered together before, and they never called my name.

I went to my mother in the morning, and told her "they're back".  It had been such a long time since I heard them, and I was terrified.  I don't want to go on some horrible anti-psychotic medication, and I am definitely not going to the hospital again, unless I have no other option.  I made my mother cry.  I could hear her weeping to my aunt in the other room.  I hate it when my mother cries.  I hate causing her worry.  

My aunt convinced me to go to 12 noon mass with her and my mom.  So I did.  I took a clonazepam, and took a hot shower.  It was a different church than the one I attend, but it is a catholic church.  I received communion and felt replenished.  Something about Holy Communion makes me feel complete and gives me courage.  I guess it's because I feel that the Lord is truly inside of me.  I felt better after mass.  I called my dad later and told him what happened.  He wasn't home, so I left a message on his machine.  I called him today, and we talked about it.  He is going to call me on Wednesday to see how my doctor appointment goes.

Mental illness impacts not only the person with the disease, but all those around that person.  That's why it's so important to have a good support system in place.  I have a good one.  For that, I am truly thankful.  This only strengthens my resolve to follow in Christ's footsteps.  It did not break me.  I won't let it.  The Lord has work for me to do.  I intend to see it done.

Peace, Joy, Love - B

16 Days

In 16 days, I will be 51 years old.  I honestly don't know how I feel about it.  I guess in some ways I should be grateful, but in many ways I am not.  I look at other people and wonder how they got so lucky in life.  Why are they in love and I am not.  I am still single with no prospects in sight.  I have never been in a serious relationship.  I've never been told "I love you", except by family.  I have no children.  For goodness sake, I don't even have a pet anymore.
I am an old spinster living with my 76 year old mother and 74 year old aunt.  I don't have a job due to my bipolar illness, so I live on disability.  I am going to school part-time to get my BA, but I don't know what good it will do me.  It's just a personal goal anyway.
I guess I should be grateful for the things that God has blessed me with so far.  I have people that love me, I am back in school and I have a car now.  But somehow, I still feel an emptiness in my heart.  Part of me is still missing, and I cannot pinpoint what it is.  I just feel like there is a gaping hole in my soul that begs to be filled.
I had a pretty good week.  I made it to mass yesterday.  It was very inspiring.  It was all about storing up things in Heaven, instead of storing up things on earth.  Here I am today, whining for earthly things.  But, am I?  Love is not an earthly thing.  Is praying for financial help so I can take care of my family considered earthly?  I guess it is.  But, I only pray for it so I can make my family comfortable.  My father called me yesterday to ask me if I wanted his car.  I would just need to take over the payments.  I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that my father needs money.  He would never admit it to me, but that's what I feel in my heart is true.  As I now have a car, I don't need one.  I can't afford the payments anyway.
After I talked to him, I smoked a couple of cigarettes.  Then I wept.  I prayed the Rosary, and I wept.  I cried in frustration, fear and anger.  I begged God to help me.  I called on the intercession of the Blessed Mother and St. Gemma to petition God to hear my prayer.  I will continue to do so until I get an answer.  In the meantime, when I get my student loan money, I will send my father something.  It's the best I can do right now.
It is 16 days until my birthday.  I wonder what I will do?  Maybe I will take the family to the Cheesecake Factory and obliterate my diet that day.  I haven't had any of their vanilla bean cheesecake in 3 or 4 years.  Maybe I will take myself to the movies.  I don't know.  I'm not feeling very celebratory this year.  I guess I should just be thankful for not being in the hospital for the past 2 years.  I am not going back no matter what.  But a lot can happen in 16 days.

I love Jon Snow

I have a tremendous crush on Jon Snow.  If you don't watch Game of Thrones, then you don't know of whom I am speaking.  If you do watch the show, then you know him.  Never has a character captivated so much.  I am currently reading the first of the five books of The Songs of Fire and Ice series by George R.R. Martin.  I didn't watch the show when it first came on because we didn't have HBO.  But then I upgraded our cable package to get it and other channels.
I watch it On-Demand because I don't stay up that late.  I like to watch it alone, but my mom and aunt like it too. Understand, my crush is not on Kit Harrington, the actor.  I first loved Jon Snow from season one, when he first took the black.  He learned hard lessons on the Wall, but still had hope.  He never forgets who he is or from whence he came.  With his faithful, fearless direwolf, Ghost by his side, he learned to fear nothing.
He is a true born leader.  Jon Snow was raised as the bastard son of Eddard Stark, but we got a hint of his true parentage in season five.  I hope through my reading, that I discover the truth, and that what I think it is, is the truth.  If true, then Jon Snow is the son of Rhaegar Targaryen, the king of the Seven Kingdoms before Robert Baratheon took the throne. He is also the half brother of Daenarys Stormborn, Mother of Dragons.  Could you just imagine if those two got together?  I think it would be fabulous!!!
I also admire Jon Snow's sense of honor and courage.  The way he banded together the wildings to fight for Castle Black instead of against it, was awesome.  He, together with his sister, Sansa Stark defeated Ramsey Bolton in one of the greatest battle scenes I have ever seen on film.  Jon fought for his life, struggling against all odds to free himself from the crush of bodies falling on him threatening suffocation.  He took back Winterfell and let Sansa feed Ramsey to the dogs.  I don't know whose death I enjoyed more, Ramsey's or Joffrey's.
He is also handsome and valiant.  Being easy on the eyes is always a benefit, and Kit is certainly that.  Jon Snow does want is right for his men and his family.  Not that he is perfect, because he isn't.  He has made mistakes, but he learns from them.  He never forgets betrayals and he always pays his debts.  No wonder he was called the King of the North.  He is a Stark, afterall.  It turns out that his mother was Lyanna Stark, Eddard's sister.  This we saw from Bran's visions.
I hope Jon finds Arya and Bran soon.  Arya is now an assassin, and Bran is the three-eyed raven.  So far, the executive producers have stuck very close to the books.  I am not worried about how the last two seasons will turn out.  I am sure it will be great.  Unfortunately,  my concentration is still a little off, so the reading is going slowly.  Normally, I would be on the third book by now.  But, as I said, I am still on the first book, which I hope to finish this weekend.  I will complete the series, that I promise.  I will read, and learn more about my crush, Jon Snow.  I haven't felt this way about a character since Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  I hope it turns out just as well.
Peace, Joy, Love - B

Help Me O God!!

Woe is me!! How long, O God must I endure these afflictions!?  I seek comfort in you, but cannot find You.  I wish to take shelter, but can find no refuge.  I pray to You, but cannot find the words that You might hear me.  Look into my heart and see my despair.  Look into my mind and see the whirling dervish of doubt and confusion.  I only took my eyes off of You for a moment, and in that moment I became lost.  Please light my path back to You! Lord, you said a good shepherd will leave the 99 sheep in his flock to go and find the one that is lost.  I am right here! Come for me, I beseech Thee!
I am so tired of the ups and downs, the great peaks and deep valleys of bipolar.  Each day is unknown.  Each minute a question.  I beg of you to make it stop.  One moment, I am happy.  The next moment besieged by fears so deep it makes me question my existence.
I do not cry often, but when I do, it is like a river overflowing.  The voices of the demons tell me that you do not love me.  I know that they are lies and I rebuke them.  But, when they whisper day after day, I begin to doubt and my heart is filled with sorrow.
I want to live Your truth, O Lord!  I want to be filled with Your Spirit and everlasting love!  Help me, Father!  Remove these chains from my heart and lighten my burdens.  Let me know that you have heard my cries.  Help me!  Please Help me!!  I love You.
B

Confessions of a Grammar Snob

I need to go to confession.  What is my sin?  It is the sin of pride, which is one of the seven deadly sins.  You see, I feel the occasional twinge of contempt for people I feel are beneath me.  It's horrible, I know, but when some people speak, I cringe at their obvious lack of education.

I am not perfect, but in my opinion, a person should try to be eloquent and well-spoken when writing or opening their mouths.  Nothing grates me more than seeing a person on television, usually on the news, who speaks with incorrect grammar to the point where it is on par with the broken English of foreigners.  Sometimes, on Facebook, a person may write they're or there, when the needed word is their.  Do we no longer teach English in schools?  Does the average person know what a pronoun is?  Or the proper use of an adverb?

I remember, when I was growing up, there was Schoolhouse Rock.  It came on during the Saturday morning cartoons.  Those short programs were fun, easy to understand, and taught me a lot.  Who remembers Conjunction Junction? Lolly, lolly, lolly Get Your Adverbs Here? Interjections?  Those songs still ring in my brain.

I think we should bring back Schoolhouse Rock.  It can help both kids and adults, who live in areas where getting a quality education is difficult.  I realize that things have changed in schools over the years, but I truly believe in my heart that kids are still kids, and that learning can be fun.  Instead of video games and iPhones, kids need to get outside and play, explore their imaginations, and be encouraged to read.  Need someplace to take your kids for a couple of hours?  Go to the library, for goodness sake!!  Let your child find something that peaks her interest.  Let them discover the joys of books; the look, the feel, the smell.  Help them learn to retreat into those places in their brains where dreams do come true, and new worlds are discovered.

Teachers today are under a lot of pressure to get good performance scores instead of educating.  So many kids are being passed along, and cannot even put together a proper sentence.  When I hear that, it makes my skin crawl.  This is our future, America.  A generation that can't spell, write cursive, or speak in public.  We our sending our children to college, if they can even get in, ill-equipped in basic skills.

I must confess, I was raised in a neighborhood that has a very long history of being one of the best school districts in the country.  So, I guess I am prejudiced.  I realize that not everyone is so fortunate.  I feel bad for those who live in areas where a proper education is not possible.  Hence, my sin of pride.  I have prayed for forgiveness and asked for the grace of humility whenever I pray the Rosary.

So far, my pride has not been tempered.  I have little tolerance for the ill-bred, ill-mannered, and poorly educated.  I must purge myself of this sin, if I wish to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.  The Lord judges our hearts, as wells as our deeds.

I need to do better on both accounts.  I need to look at people with compassion instead of contempt.  I am sometimes ashamed for them, when I ought to be ashamed of myself.  If I had more patience, something I pray for, I could be a learning aid.  I have no valid excuse as to why I do not do more to help my fellow man.  I am so afraid of people, and have difficulty trusting.  However, that does not give me a free pass to not help.  There are so many things I could do to make a difference.  I just need to swallow my pride and do them.

News Of The Day? Thanks, But No

I do not watch the news, even the local news I ignore.  There is always a body found, someone shot, a building exploding, traffic accidents, and police violence.  I only watch the news to get the weather report.  Then, I retreat back to the confines of my room or to the porch.  Does this make me one of the uninformed, ignorant public?  I guess so, but watching the news fills me with anxiety, anger and sadness.

Quite frankly, I cannot wait for the election season to be over.  Watching Hillary and especially Donald, fills me with so much disgust, that I am thinking of doing a write-in vote.  We are the laughingstock of the world right now.  Do we really want a bullying, petulant, hate monger like Trump to be the leader of the free world?  Or should we vote for a more composed, professional, capable, but a liar like Hillary into office?  I would rather see Hillary.  She is a liar, but then so are all politicians.  They all bend the truth to suit their agenda.

Where are the Jefferson Smith's as so aptly portrayed by James Stewart in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington"?  Where are the spitfires who promise and do make real political change?  Everybody just makes promises to end hunger in America, help the homeless, cure cancer, protect our troops and secure our borders and end violence, but no one really does anything about it!  Our children are still going to school hungry, families are still trying to make ends meet, and Big Pharma is still doing a booming business.

Besides, I have other things to worry about.  For instance, my mom is in pain.  She has been in pain for over a week.  I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow as a walk-in because she can't get an appointment until next week.  I am worried that it may be something serious, like a blood clot.  Maybe it's my anxiety at work, but I keep on the lookout for signs of a stroke or heart attack.  I am also worried about my dad.  Here it is in the middle of summer and he is complaining that he sometimes feels a chill in the air.  Is he having difficulty regulating his body temperature?  I know that comes with age, but still I am worried.  I am going out to visit him in December to celebrate his birthday, Christmas and New Year's with him again.  I know he has people looking out for him, but I am his blood and would drop everything at once if he needed care.

I wish I could win the lottery, so I could build a house big enough for both of them.  One in a suite on one side of the house and the other in a suite on the other side.  I wish I could buy a whole street of houses to have all my family together, it would be like the Kennedy compound.  It's an old dream, fed by fear of abandonment.  I want to take care of everybody, so we could all be happy, and in turn I would have a real sense of security.

Oh well, there is a passage in the bible that says do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself.  I need to remember that, because tomorrow is not promised.  With my being fat, a diabetic, and a smoker, tomorrow is really not promised to me.  But, I have always seem my smoking as a slow form of suicide.  I know full well what I am doing to myself.  I am not stupid.  I am naive, but not stupid.  I know I should probably be outside walking right now.  It would improve my mood, aid in digestion, and get the blood pumping to my brain as well as burning calories.  But, at present, I am afraid of people and the outdoors.  You never know who's out there.

That's another reason I don't watch the news.  People getting ambushed on the street, beaten and robbed.  People just walking by, or worse yet, standing there filming it instead of trying to help.

I don't want to be a statistic, but I already am.  Yet, I don't want it on screen as breaking news.

So, do I live in ignorant bliss?  No, not really.  I can still hear the news through my bedroom door.

I just choose not to watch it.  If I really want to tune out, I plug into Pandora and listen to Christmas music.  That always make me feel better.  I takes me back to times more innocent and to a safer place.  Isn't that what we all want, to live in a safer place?  Call me naive again, but I believe the world can get there again.  Only by moving forward in love.

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Lost Girl

Sorry, if I've been away for a while.  My mind drifted off and I had to go find it.  Truth is, I've been in a depressed state for a while and I haven't been in the mood to write,  In fact, I haven't been in the mood to do anything.
I stay in my room all day with the blinds closed, trying to shut out the world.  I make trips to see my doctor, therapist and go to Walmart to pick up my medication.  Usually, if I'm not in my room, I'm on the porch smoking.  I'm still smoking and drinking coffee.  It's become a highlight of my day.
I do go to mass though.  Every Saturday night.  Church is the only place where I feel complete.  Otherwise, I feel like I'm made of paper.  I just kind of drift around.  I did try to go out and be social this week, the result was an anxiety attack.  I just don't feel in control of my emotions anymore.  It's ruining my life.  It's too hot to go out walking, even in the morning.  I know that I should get some exercise to release some endorphins, but I just don't care anymore.
Needless to say, my diet is an epic fail.  I'm eating healthier, but I've only lost 2 pounds.  Again, lack of exercise.  I am really disappointed in myself, so the negative talk is really messing with my head.
I feel pretty good some days, but it doesn't last.  I'm going to drop my summer course, so I can get ready for fall semester.  I'll use the refund to go see my dad.  I need him, he's not a complicated man. Plus, I get to see his dog, Falcor.  It would be good to get away for a few weeks.
Well, I guess that's all.  I hope I get to sleep tonight.
Peace Joy Love
Bev

Orlando

Today is Tuesday.  Two days ago it was Sunday.  I get up on Sunday morning to have breakfast and watch Sunday Morning.  Instead, I am watching breaking news on a mass shooting at an Orlando nightclub.  They had dead and wounded all over the inside of the club.  I saw some wounded being put into the back of trucks to be taken to the hospital.  All together, there are 49 dead and 53 wounded.  Some of the wounded are not expected to make it.
I can't describe my feelings on this news exactly.  I was shocked of course, but I can't say I was surprised.  I mean after all this has happened before.  Some madman with a gun goes into a place and kills a lot of people.  These people just happened to be part of the LGBT community.  That really doesn't matter to me.  It's the fact that so many people are dead that really upsets me.
I would hate to have the job of notifying families that their loved one had been killed.  Families are strange organisms.  What if some families didn't even know that their son or daughter was gay.  Some secrets are going to come out.  But mostly, it will be rivers of tears for the people that had jobs, lives, lovers, friends and families.  What will ease their pain?
I have learned the hard way that the old adage about time healing all wounds is not true.  It may lessen the pain, but you never truly forget.  I was able to, but not everyone can forgive.  But, I say this to the families of the victims, you must be strong and forgive who did this.  Otherwise, your lives will be consumed by bitterness and it will drive you to the brink.  To the survivors', guilt will be your companion for a while.  Seek help, then do what the killer tried to take away from you.  Live your life.  You will be happy again, you will fall in love and dance again.  Don't let this destroy you, if you do, the terrorist wins.
I can't watch the stories anymore.  It fills me with too much gloom and anxiety about the way the world is turning.  We are headed to a fiery destruction, filled with violence and hatred toward one another.  On Facebook, I posted the lyrics to Lenny Kravitz' Let Love Rule.  If we are going to survive, we need to learn to love each other.  Christ did not die on the Cross for us to destroy each other with hatred.  He wanted us to love each other.  Why is that so hard to do?
I'm not saying that we should like everyone we meet, you can't like everyone.  But we should be kind to one another and love each others as children of God.   It's called respect.  That is what everyone should get.  I know some people make it awfully hard to earn your respect, but at least try.  If they turn out to be mean, spiteful people, the let God deal with them, because he will.
One thing I don't understand is why it is so easy to buy an assault weapon.  Someone please explain to me why the average citizen needs an assault weapon.  Don't tell me it's for home defense, that's a crock.  There is no good reason why, and that's why I wrote my congressmen today asking them to ban the sale of military style weapons in this country.  You may disagree with me, but remember I too have the right to my opinion.
I did pray for the victims and their families, but frankly, I was disheartened.  I don't know what God's plan is for this world, but I think this is just the beginning.  Like it says in John, these are just the groanings of the earth, we will experience earthquakes, fires, floods, pestilence before the Lord comes again in Glory.  I think the earth is groaning pretty darn loud lately.  So, people you better prepare yourselves for the way of the Lord.  I don't know if he will be here tomorrow, or in this century, but He is definitely coming.  I am preparing my soul.  Are you ready?  I personally would rather know Jesus before the day of judgment than stand there and wonder where I'm going to end up.  I will pray to God tonight and the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary for peace in this world. It's the only thing I know to do.
Peace, Joy, Love - Bev

Sex and the single lady

I have not had sex in 9 years.  In March of 2017, it will be 10 years.  Does that make me an honorary virgin again?  I'm thinking yeah, it does.  What happened?  I don't even masturbate.  I used to.  That was until last year when I found out it was a sin.  I'm catholic now, so I can't do it anymore.  If I do, I have to go to confession so I can do my penance in order to receive Holy Communion.

The whole thing about sex, is that God meant sex to take place between a man and woman to unite their spirits in the image of the Holy Trinity.  Sure, he made it pleasurable too.  Sex is a good thing, but it was meant for procreation, not recreation.  If you take God out of sex then it is an abomination of the whole idea, making it a sin.

That's why masturbation is a sin, there is no God in it. Same for homosexuality.  God made man and women to complement each other.  One to give the seed of life, the other to receive it.  God did not make it for two men or women, again the idea is to procreate in the unity of the Holy Trinity.

I have nothing against homosexuals personally.  I don't care who you are having sex with, but if you are a God fearing Christian, you put your soul in danger every time you have sex.  I know that gay people did not chose to be gay, any more than I chose to have bipolar.  That's one of the reasons why it was once thought to be a mental illness.  It's not anymore. It just is.

The catholic Church is also against invitro-fertilization, because children are being created outside of the womb, again removing God from the process.  I know there are a lot of couples that struggle with fertility issues and this is often the way they go, but it is unnatural. I don't know if it's a sin or not.

I am 50 years old, my womb is closed.  What's the point of me getting married if I can't have children?  That's something I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Will I be having sex just for pleasure?  Is that allowed?  But, I guess if God can open the wombs of Sarah, Rachel and Elizabeth, he could do it for me.

Maybe, I'm not supposed to have a baby given all that's wrong with me.  The post-partum depression scares me the most.  What if it becomes so severe that I become psychotic.  No, I think adoption of some school aged siblings would be the way to go.

My medication and age have decreased my libido to such an extent that I find it difficult to get horny. When I had a period, I could always tell I was ovulating just by my sex drive.  It was insatiable.  I'd get wet at the slightest thing.  I had sex dreams. I masturbated a lot then.  

Some women get sex toys, but I never saw the need for one.  direct clitoral stimulation was all I needed.  Dildos and the like I didn't use.  I just needed one big orgasm, and I was satisfied.  Fell right to sleep.  I went out with one guy who just could understand that I didn't need multiple orgasms.  If you do it right, I explained I had one toe curling uterine contracting orgasm that would satisfy me just fine.

I guess if I ever meet the right guy, I'll talk to my doctor about the sexual side effects about my medication and try to get the juices flowing again.  In the meantime, I'll have to stick with prayer.

Hair Cuts, Diets and Panic

I got my hair cut off on Thursday.  I was not taking care of the hair I had and needed a change.  I saw a picture of this hair cut on Facebook and thought it was cute, so I thought "why not?"
I really like it. It means no more processed hair, no more flat iron, no more anything!  I just wet it in the shower, apply conditioner and gel and go.  Saves a lot of time and money.  Of course, I have nothing to do with all this extra time, but for now I don't dread taking a shower.  Last month was hard.  I have fallen into a depressive episode and I went days without bathing or combing my hair.
Most of my friends on Facebook seem to like it, and my mom and aunt like it.  My father just laughed and asked me why I did it.  He likes his women with hair.  Anyway, my hair grows about an inch a month, so if I want to I can grow it out again.  Besides, it's just hair.
Of course, now this makes me even less attractive to the average man.  Most men like at least shoulder length hair, especially black men.  Why do you think black women spend so much time and money getting hair weaves?  Because they like it? NO!!! Hair weaves are around $300 to start and they are painful.  I had one once.  I just ended up putting it in a ponytail anyway.  I also, did not attract any members of the opposite sex with a hair weave.  Short or long, I guess I am unattractive.  For the moment, I don't care about men.  Although I do still like the man I see in church.  I don't dare approach him now that I have very short hair.  My hair has always been one of my best features.
So why did I cut it off?  It was an act of defiance I guess.  It was kind of the way I want to look.  I've been thinking of going natural anyway, and I would have had to cut it off to do that.  I may grow it out, only if I can get the curls I want.  I want soft shiny hair, but lately it's been looking really dry. I also cut it off, because part of me just doesn't care anymore.  Most of the time, I wore a bandana around it.  Flat ironing just burned it and my fingers.  I think I am just going to focus on my diet and getting healthier.  This hair cut looks great on thin people.  I want to be the geeky girl with the leggings and the oversized sweatshirt.
My diet by the way is not going well.  I didn't weigh myself this week, because I knew I blew, plus I got no exercise.  So, I am still living on coffee and cigarettes.  I'm only supposed to eat 1060 calories a day to reach my goal weight.  But, that makes it difficult to eat the recommended daily nutritional values.  Plus, having diabetes, I have to keep my blood sugar levels from dropping to low.  It can cause dizziness, shaking, sweating and heart palpitations, which for me turns into an anxiety attack.
I had a panic attack on Friday.  I was sitting here minding my own business when suddenly the floor fell out from under me.  I couldn't breath, I couldn't focus, my heart started beating wildly, I started shaking and sweating and got disoriented.  I was alone when it happened and my therapist was out of town.  My mom and aunt weren't home and didn't pick up when I tried to phone.  I thought maybe it was my blood sugar so I had a piece of candy.  That didn't work.  When they got home 25 minutes later, I was crying hysterically.  It took 10 minutes for then to talk me down.  Then BAM!!!! Just like that it was over.  My mom made me half a turkey sandwich just to be on the safe side.  It took me 3 hours to fully recover.
I need to get a friend or someone to call if that happens again.  That was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.  I've had them before, but not like that.  I think it was triggered by the fact that I dropped my summer psychology class and was feeling pretty bad about myself.  I dropped it because I still can't read and comprehend anything without tremendous difficulty, and my attention span last for about an hour before I need a 20 minute break.  Writing this entry has been the longest task I've done in 2 weeks, and don't think I'm not taking a break afterward.  It took me a week to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy on DVD.  I bought the Game of Thrones book series but haven't even touched them yet, except to take them out of the box.  I can't watch a half hour TV show without getting up let alone a movie.  I tried watching the French Open Men's tennis championship game today, but the hitting of the ball back and forth was giving me the heebie jeebies.
This new medication the doctor has me on doesn't feel like it's doing anything.  I'll give it one more week.  He said it would take 6 to 8 weeks to show effects, but I don't know if I can wait that long.  I see Mary this week, we'll probably talk about my coping skills or lack thereof.  Right now I am hating my brain.  It's all out of whack and there is nothing I can do about it.  I may have to try ECT again if this keeps up.  I wonder if any of the hospitals around here have TMS?  That would be better than having to be sedated for ECT.  Same effect, different approach.  I'll have to ask about it.  Medicare should cover it the same as the shock treatments.  Well, it's medication time.  I have them all lined up and take them 2 by 2.  I think I have 7 or 8 medicines I take at night.  It's a wonder I can keep them all straight.  No more tying up my hair at night.  Yea!!!
Peace, Joy, Love - B

Lost Feelings: Please Advise If Found

I often look back on my life and wonder "what happened?"  When was the moment it all started to go so wrong?  I have survived my childhood as ugly as it was.  I look back on most of those years with a great deal of pleasure.  But, I think that is my selective memory.  There are lots of chunks of my life I simply don't remember.  Moments too traumatic for my mind to process.  I guess that's when I learned to become invisible. 

I remember a lot of rage in adolescence.  I would fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. I didn't get along with my siblings and had no respect for adults.  I told off one of my teachers.  It resulted in a one week in school suspension.  There was a lot going on at home, mainly with my mother.  She was in a full blown psychotic episode.  She was talking to herself and saw Jesus in our laundry room.   I hated her for being sick. I wasn't too crazy about my dad then either.  He was working all the time, and couldn't handle anything.  I know now, he did the best he could, but it wasn't enough.

All my sister did was have private dance parties.  The latest R & B music could be heard blaring from her room, her fingers snapping loudly.  My brother was a pot-head.  He listened to heavy metal and got stoned all the time.  Me?  I just stayed in my room, surrounded by the noise and did my homework.  Sometimes, I marvel that I got anything done.  I would tune everything out and disappear into my world of books.

I know now that it was all due to the bipolar.  The mood swings, the isolation, all the negative thoughts were because I was a kid desperately in trouble.  Most people think that's just normal teenage behaviour.  Some of it is, but normal teenagers don't scratch up their faces and arms, or burn themselves with cigarette lighters.

I was raped when I was 14.  I didn't say anything because I had lost my voice by then.  It was a family member.  He was stronger than me.  Not that I put up much of a fight, I mean that's all I was good for, right?  I can still feel his hands on me.  I just laid there, and disappeared.  I told my parents at the same time I told them about the molestations.  I felt ashamed, dirty and terribly afraid they wouldn't love me anymore.

I guess these are the moments that left so much wreckage in my life.  There have been some flowers along the pathway.  It hasn't all been bad.  It just seems like every time I'm doing well, I have a bipolar episode.  Right now, I am in a depression.  I cannot concentrate, I have no motivation, and I have isolated myself.  I have no feelings about anything.  I have not cried, laughed, screamed or expressed any emotion for six weeks.  I'd even settle for an anxiety attack.  At least I would be feeling something.  I am utterly numb.  I wonder when the feelings will come back. Perhaps, I have disappeared so often, that this time I can't come back.  Oh well, you know what they say, fake it 'til you make it.  I'll just pretend to be a real person for now.  

Rambling Thoughts

It's a terrible thing to not be able to concentrate.  I don't feel anxious about anything that I can think of, yet my brain does not seem able to hold a thought long enough to think about it.  My mind is a blur, thoughts whizzing all around. My reading comprehension is so horrible that it has been a few days since I picked up my bible with any real confidence,  I see the words but they make no sense.

It is the same when I watch TV.  I hear what they are saying, but it holds no interest, and makes no sense.  I am trying desperately to hold on to my words long enough to write this blog.  This is a new thing.  It's never happened like this before.  I am usually in an anxious state when I feel this.  I am not anxious, at least to my way of understanding. 

What I am is completely bored.  I have plenty to do.  I have my books from the library.  I have a Christmas ornament I can make. It just arrived in the mail the other day.  It's a beaded ornament, very intricate and pretty.

I am also quite possibly depressed.  I've been wearing my old worn out "depressed" clothes.  I haven't fixed my hair or worn earrings.  It took 2 hours for me to talk myself into bathing.  I have spent the majority of the last month in my room.  I take my medication around 7:30 just so I can bring an end to a tedious day.  OK, I am depressed.  At least I see my doctor on Thursday, we'll probably adjust something.  Hooray for the medicine go-around. 

I had been feeling good.  I started doing some exercise, got a little energy.  It didn't last long though.  I am good after exercising, but the next day would back to square one.  I saw my family doctor and she said that diet and exercise would be all I needed to feel better.  All my blood work came back normal.

I wanted to go for a walk today, but kept forgetting about it.  I have my nightgown on now, so forget it.  I will try again tomorrow.  I realize I always say that, but that's just how I am;  The Great Procrastinator!!  I used to act on ideas right away, but not anymore.  Now, everything takes days or weeks to prepare.  I wonder what happened to me.  It's Memorial Day weekend already, and I have only read 1 book out of 4 I had planned on reading.

I don't know how I am going to plan the family reunion next summer.  It shouldn't be too hard, but that's what I always say then find myself overwhelmed.  Maybe that's what I'm stressing about.  Already?  Hmm, when it comes to worrying, I don't play around.

I wish we had a cat.  A big soft black and white tuxedo that was laying next to me.  We would have to decide on a name, if he didn't come with one.  I heard my aunt mention it the other day.  Maybe she is softening up on the animal ban.

Speaking of animals, I signed my first petition on a issue concerning animals.  It's all about getting stiffer penalties for animal abusers.  I have a very strong opinion on the matter.  I feel that animal abuse should be a felony, with minimal jail time on 1 year and a $2500 fine, even for the first offense.

Abuse resulting in death of an animal should be 5-10 years and a $5000 fine depending on the nature of the offense.  All convicted offenders should go on a national registry so they could never own or have care of another animal.  It may seem harsh, but I feel that someone who would abuse an animal is demonstrating that he/she is unfit to live in civilized society and should be removed from society.  I hope it passes.

Talked to my dad today. Sent his dog a new bed and some foot wipes.  I truly adore my father and am in love with the dog.  I should have gone up there this month.  I still can, I just have to get school all set first.  

Sent away for a body donation package at one of the state's medical schools.  I just want a funeral, and then donate my body to science.  I'll see if it costs anything, and how they cremate the remains when they are done with the body.

Well, I guess that's it.  I've been watching The Hobbit for the past couple of nights.  Tonight is the last of the three;  The Battle of the Five Armies.  So far it's been pretty on par with the books, except there have been several elaborations.  But, I haven't read all of Tolkien's works on Middle earth, so I can't say for sure if they are true flights of fancy on the parts of the filmmakers, just the book.

 Until next time, Peace, Joy, Love -

Bev

Coffee, Cigarettes and Gandalf

I wrote several days ago about becoming smoke free.  So far it hasn't happened.  I went a whole day without cigarettes, only to find myself at the store buying a pack.  It will be my last pack I tell myself.  But then I run out of them, and it's back to the store.  I have prayed about it.  I have tried to talk myself out of it, but it's no use.  I have to have them with my coffee.  A day without coffee is just not going to happen.  I like smoking.  I like holding the cigarette in my hand.  I like inhaling and feeling the sting burn my tongue.

I am both physically and psychologically addicted.  I am also addicted to caffeine.  I love my coffee with cream and sweetener.  I use artificial sweetener because of the diabetes.  For that reason alone, I know I shouldn't smoke.  I'll probably end up with heart disease or having a heart attack or stroke.  What's my problem?  Why do I do this disgusting thing to myself? 

Frankly, smoking calms down my anxiety.  I would do anything to avoid an anxiety attack.  When I have one, I feel like I'm dying.  I have tried meditation, but I can't get my brain to stop whirling long enough to feel the effects.  That's one of the reasons I can't work right now.  I have the attention span of about an hour and a half.  That's why it's taking me so long to read a book.

I'm reading The Lord of the Rings; The Two Towers.  Ordinarily, I could polish that book off in 2 days.  It's been 2 weeks.  I want to read it now, but I am not in the right mood. I thought I was in the mood to exercise, but I could only do that for 10 minutes.  I got bored.  Right now, I would like some cheesecake, but can't for 2 reasons.  We don't have any, and I am on a low calorie diet. 

Great. I just got yelled at by my mom for ordering things from Publisher's Clearing house.  She yelled at me like I was 12.  It's my money, I spend it however I please.  I don't ask her for money for anything.  I pay my bills on time. WTF??I guess I will spend the rest of the day in my room with the door closed, because now I am ashamed and depressed.  Seems like no matter what I do there's no pleasing someone.  I'm always on somebodys nerves.  Just had to get some more coffee and a cigarette to get over that humiliation.  Why didn't I say anything?  What difference would it make.  I'm just a child in everyone's eyes. NO ONE in my family treats me like an adult.  I'll always be poor pitiful Bev, who must be looked after.  OK, fine! When I win my millions, don't look at me for help.  That's a lie.  The first thing I'll do if I win millions is share it with my family.  I guess I am a child.  A stupid little kid having a tantrum.  I'll open the packages some other time.  I mostly order gifts for other people anyway.  I guess I'm addicted to online shopping too.

I really hate shopping in stores.  Plus, when it's online it's nearly always available.  I ordered a Christmas ornament kit, and some books too.  It's not always stupid stuff.  I don't hear any complaints when I hand it out.  I am a giver.  I love to give things to people.  I like to see the looks on their faces when the open the box or hear reactions over the phone when they open the box.  OK, I guess I'll cut back on my shopping for now.

I miss my sister.  When she is around, I always feel good,  She is a good talker and listener.  She was here for my 50th birthday last year.  It was great.  She's an extrovert.  Not like me at all,  I kinda like to observe, she goes out and does. I have an overwhelming feeling to see my dad,  He doesn't judge me or criticize me.  I love being with him.  Maybe I should go see him.  Or is that just an escapism reaction to my mother's harsh words.  Father's Day is next month.  My summer classes are online so I could do the assignments up there.  It wouldn't be a big deal. 

I feel so stupid right now.  Guilt and shame have crept into my brain and I have a knot in my stomach.  I want to take my pills and go to bed.  I love bedtime.  Maybe I should pray the Rosary.  Maybe that will help me feel better.  Oh the glories of being bipolar!!!  Every minute a different mood.  Why do a few words cut me to the quick?  Why do I let them?  I wish I could talk to Mary.  Mary is my therapist.  She would put me to rights. I think I'll go to bed at 5 PM, it's only 3:25PM now.  The blog has me on pacific time.  I don't know how to change it.

I wrote a letter to my Uncle Steve this week.  He lives in Texas.  It wasn't much, just a check in since he doesn't call much.  Nobody calls anymore unless we are planning something or someone is sick.  OK, this is getting ridiculous.  I am about to start crying.  I think I'll end now, and read for a while.  Maybe Gandalf can take me away from myself for a while.  I don't think I'll be able to sleep now anyway.  Too much coffee and cigarettes.   

Peace, Love, Joy - Bev 

Groove Thang

I am not one for exercise.  If I was, I wouldn't be the fat girl I am today.  I hated gym class.  For reasons still unknown to me, I played field hockey and softball in middle school.  I also threw the javelin one year in high school, and 3 years in the marching band.  I got plenty of exercise, but I was still a size 14. Maybe I did it because all my friends were.  It also looked good on a college application.  Sometimes, I had fun, but most of the time not.  

I hated running with a passion.  I was slow and clunky.  In my mind, I was lithe and graceful.  But in reality I had all the grace of a lame horse.  At the end of track practice, the coach always made me run a mile.  I could never finish it without walking.  I remember I did do a very slow jog for the whole thing, the way he reacted was incredible.  You'd have thought I had broken an Olympic record.  I never really appreciated it until just this moment.  There was actually someone out there who was cheering me on, trying to get me to do my best.  I knew I was awful at the javelin.  I had no grace, no style, but I'm glad I tried it. 

One thing I was always good at was the dance workout classes.  I loved the way the music made me feel.  I took ballet one year, but it was too expensive so I had to stop.  Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't stopped.  Would I have a dancer's disciplined body?  Probably with my luck, I would have developed an eating disorder.  Bipolar, anxiety, eating disorder; sounds like the making of a TV movie.

Anyway, the reason I bring up dancing, is that that's what I've decided to do for exercise.  I found a Pandora station for dance cardio, and I am just going to spend some time in my room shaking my groove thang.  Of course, I'll need to warm it up and stretch it out; don't want to sprain my thang!

I have not been motivated to go walking or anything, and this I can do in my room, basically private. I can hardly wait until tomorrow!!  I'll let you know how it goes.  There's no routine yet, just me freestyle.  I weigh myself on Thursday, I hope I lost at least a pound.  The trumpet has sounded.  The battle of the bulge has officially begun!!!!!

Smoke Free

I stopped smoking today. As a matter of fact it's been 3 hours since my last cigarette.  I tried to quit on Wednesday, but gave in to the craving.  Tonight, even though it is only 7:21PM I have put on my jammies, tied up my hair, and brushed my teeth.  It would take a great deal of effort to go to the store now.  If I can make it through the night, I should be able to hold out until tomorrow morning.

That's the real test, coffee without a cigarette. I hope I can keep it together.  I really don't want to take another pill.  I've tried the patch, the lozenges, they all threw me into fits.

The only other time I quit cold turkey was after my car accident.  I was in the hospital for 10 days and in rehab for 10 days. I didn't have much choice but to quit.  Besides, I was on some very fine pain killers, so I didn't care.

I wonder how long this get healthy kick will last.  I hope I can keep it up, because I really do want to change my outside.  I've already been working on the inside, and that seems to be going well.  So, there you have it.  I have put it out there in the universe.  I am going smoke free,  I want white teeth, fresh breathe, and no stains on my fingers.  My hair will smell better, and I won't have to drive with all the windows open to smoke in the car. Maybe I can get back some stamina too.  

Good luck to me and may God have mercy upon me.

Peace, Love, Joy

Bev

Confessions of a Fat Girl

I am fat. There I said it. I used to use words like overweight, heavy or chubby.  But, I must simply state the real truth, I am a fat girl. I am not plus sized, or curvy.  My curves faded away a long time ago.  I have large breasts, that's true, but there is no perkiness left in them. They droop downwards, nipples facing the floor.  I have no butt to speak of, I never did.  My butt is flat.  My belly is very large, with an apron that hangs low.  

I went to the doctor on Thursday and discovered of the 65 lbs. I lost last year, I have put 50 lbs. back on.  Lucky for me, I didn't get rid of all my fat clothes. I am wearing them again.  

It's my own fault.  Years of unhealthy food habits, no exercise and love of sweets has put me where I am.  I eat very well during the day.  I stay within the calories on my diet plan, but after 8 PM, I run into trouble.  If I am feeling lonely, which is often, bored or unloved, I turn to food.  It started when I was little.  I was a skinny little kid.  But then, I got molested, bullied and had no one to talk to.  Nothing cures the blues like 4 slices of cinnamon toast and chocolate milk.  There were also cookies, ice cream, pies and cakes.  No one checked my eating. As for my fat, when I was younger I was told I would grow out of it.  Then puberty hit.  

I was 10 years old when I got my period.  It was gross, embarrassing and painful.  The sugar cravings were well established by then, so I would just eat until the pain went away.  By the time I was twelve years old, I weighed 140 lbs.  

All of my friends were still flat-chested and skinny.  I had big boobs, a round belly and had to carry a purse.  I hated myself.  The self hatred never really left.  Just this week, I was telling myself how ugly I was and that no one would ever want a short fat girl like me.  But then I look around me and see some very big, unattractive women with a man.  I usually end up thinking that it simply must be me.  I mean if that fat girl has a boyfriend, why can't I?

Then I feel guilty for feeling that way, and think even more that it must just be me. I have a pretty face, and nice hair.  It's just from the neck down that I hate.  They say you can't love someone else until you love yourself.  Well, I guess I won't because I don't.

I know that inside of me there is a pretty, desirable, 150 lbs. me clamoring to get out.  She just can't find her way out from all the blubber.

So, I started a fitness program.  I signed up on the the Supertracker on the USDA website. It tracks my caloric intake, daily food recommendations, and activity.  Like I said I do well until bedtime.  Then it's like I turn into a garbage disposal.  I must have had 10 cookies last night, along with a piece of fried chicken.  

Trying to balance all of this with my blood sugar isn't easy.  Some mornings I don't do a reading because I know it will be high because of what I ate the night before.  I am not doing a good job of taking care of my diabetes.

I hate exercise, but I know I have to do it, if I am going to reach my goal weight of 175lbs.  So, I got up early and went for a walk. I walked for 45 minutes and hated every minute of it.  I have a bad right leg from a car accident in 2012, so I can't really walk that fast, but I have to push my self to get my heart rate up.  I also have to quit smoking.  I need help with that.  I thought I could do without cigarettes, and smoked my last one last night.  But I caved later this morning and went and bought another pack. No wonder I got winded.  I wish I was like my cousins, all of them are at a good weight.  But, I can't wish myself thin, I have to work at it.  I'm going to; I want to see my father this Christmas, and would love to see him as a size 14, with lots of luck and hard work maybe even a 12.

I need a car so I can go to Planet Fitness.  I need a personal workout plan.  I kind of know what to do, I just don't want to.  I need a motivator.  Maybe I'll pull out that little black dress I bought, that is way too small.  It came from China, and a 2x in China is NOT the same as a 2x in the US. 

I guess I must enlist the aid of God the Father Almighty.  I think prayer is all that's going to help me.

I wish I was a Mother

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  For a gift, I got my mom flowers, and some salon hair care products.  I did her hair for her.  She looked so pretty, he long soft curls cascading to her shoulders.  I forgot to take a picture.  Her hair is black and silver.  Not the yellowy, gray kind, but the shining white hair tha to have when I get older.  It is down to her shoulders for she inherited her hair from my grandmother, who had Native American blood on her side.

I didn't go to church with her and my aunt.  I guess in hindsight I should have gone on Sunday morning, but I went to mass on Saturday night as usual.  We did go out to eat for a late brunch at a place called The Epicurean Restaurant.  I had two huge pancakes, turkey sausage, two scrambled eggs, and grits.  Needless to say I didn't have to eat for the rest of the day.  Mom had a chicken Caesar salad, which she didn't finish because it was so big.  But, I've noticed she hasn't been finishing a lot of her meals lately.  I am keeping an eye on it. 

My brother and sister both called her, and my sister even sent a gift.  I don't know what it is, I haven't looked in the box yet.  My brother didn't send anything.  He calls pretty regularly though, and my mom is happy that he is doing well.

I was my normal melancholy self.  Mother's Day is a hard day for me, because I have always wanted children, but since I never married I don't have any.  Now, I am perfectly aware that you don't have to be married to have children.  Back before I was a Christian, I even tried to get pregnant on purpose but to no avail. I even went the artificial insemination route, but my ovaries were underachievers. Plus, the hormones put me right on the edge. So, I gave up trying to go it alone.  So I began to shop for a husband and father type of guy.  No luck.  

I always wanted at least four children.  I wanted a house full of laughter and chaos. I even named my children;  Ellora Dannin, Jared Edward, Darius James, Aurora Rose.  I have names for more if I had more.  Now that I am catholic, I think I would have had eight kids. Laurel Louise, Vivien Marie, Eleazar Thomas, and Sixtus Stephen; those are the other four.  We also would have had a dog named Rufus and a cat named Chaka Khan. Also, we would have had various fish and maybe a bunny.  I'm telling you my house would have been a zoo! Kids all over the place, animals all around, plus the smell of fresh baked cookies and fresh flowers from my garden.  You must understand, when I have these thoughts, I am usually manic, so I can do it all.  Of course, I would have a housekeeper! I am not stupid.  I don't know who my husband is, but he is wise, kind, funny, loves his children and me, coaches the soccer team and is very active at church.  

But all this dreaming makes me sad now.  Even if I did get married, there are no babies, unless God chooses to bless me in my old age as he did St. Elizabeth.  I suppose we could adopt and/or foster but I don't think anyone would give me a child with my medical history.  I'm just getting on my feet again financially.  It's nice to think about every once in a while though.

I think I would have been a great mom.  All my kids would gather around and I would read them my favorite books, I'd take piano lessons.  There'd be fresh baked goods ever week, and I would have a Costco or Sam's Club membership to buy in bulk.  We would live in a great big old house with a big yard and a garden.  The kids would always be outside, no cellphones or Facebook for them.  I want my kids to get dirty.  They would be kind and courteous and know their manners.  

Of course I know I would be exhausted all the time, but there would be moments of exhilarating joy too.  I wish, I wish, I wish......

Don't get me wrong, I'm a great aunt.  But I have always wanted to be, and always will want to be a MOTHER.