Ramblings of a Crazy Girl

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.  Do I tell him how I really feel? I suppose I should, but I don't want to go to the hospital.  You see, for the past 2 days I have been contemplating suicide.  I have been writing letters in my head and figuring out the best way to do it.  That, my friends, is a one way ticket to at least a 7 day stay in the local psychiatric facility.
I am all despair.  I have homework to do and can't seem to get my thoughts together.  I am having problems concentrating again.  I have an assignment due tomorrow night, but don't think I will make it to class.  The world has become a scary place.  Birds singing sounds like fingernails scraping a blackboard.  The TV gets on my nerves as well.  I can barely read in my bible, the concepts too hard to comprehend, even though I have a study bible.
I bought some string lights from Target, so I don't have to sleep with the lamp on all night.  It gives the right balance of darkness and light to my room. so I can sleep well.  I still wake up tired though, the dread of a day's activity falling over me like a cloak.
I can't talk to anyone without crying.  So, tomorrow's doctor visit should be fun.  The only thing keeping me going is my anticipated trip to my father in December.  I really need him now, but that is not possible unless I drop out of the semester. which I can't do.
There is a virus of fear eating me on the inside, and I don't know what to do.  So, I stay in my room, only coming out to go to the bathroom, eat and smoke.  I can go out onto the porch.  It is screened in, so it is still within my living space.  If I go outside the apartment, I feel eyes on me.
I wish I could laugh again.  I haven't laughed in a long time.  I feel like I am disappearing.  All that is left is a sack of depression.  I pray all the time.  I wonder if God ever gets tired of hearing from me.  I told him my name and address last night, just in case he forgot me.  Yesterday being a big day and all.  Mother Theresa became a saint, so maybe heaven has been busy getting ready.
I have to go now.  I need to go to the bathroom.  I didn't want to say anything important, sorry if I bothered you.  I know you have more important things to do than than read the rambling thoughts of some crazy girl.  Thanks for your time.  Peace, Joy, Love - B