I went to see my doctor after the demons came. It did not go well. I don't think he believed me. I told him what happened and he said it had to happen more frequently in order for him to do anything. I was dumbstruck. I took it to mean that I had to be utterly terrified on a weekly basis for him to help me. I tried to explain what I was feeling and he got mad at me. I started to cry. I told him that they were always there.
He said to me, "Now, I feel like you're being manipulative, first you tell me it only happened one time, now you're saying they are there all the time. What's the damn truth?!!" How does a person respond to that? Here I am telling my PSYCHIATRIST what's going on with me mentally and emotionally and I get scolded like some child!
I didn't say anything after that. I have no idea what he was talking about. How was I being manipulative? Because I cried? That happens a lot at a mental health office, I hate to tell you doc! What would have happened if I was being manipulative? Did he think I wanted more drugs? Yeah, right, like I need more pills. I don't want to be so drugged up that I become non-functional. I've been there before. It turned me into a 279 lb. sobbing mess. All I did was sleep and cry and eat. I had to go to the hospital to get weaned off all the drugs I was taking! Turns out they were at toxic levels to boot!
I talked to my fellow mental peers about it. I talked to my priest about it. I was feeling so distressed about the bad feelings I was having towards my doctor, that I felt I had to go to confession. I prayed over it. In the end, I forgave him for his harsh words, because the bitterness was beginning to fester. I talked to my therapist about it this week and she apologized on behalf of the practice. Get this, there is no mention of the encounter in that visits notes. He probably doesn't even remember.
I thought briefly about finding a new doctor, but good psychiatrists are hard to find in this area. He is good at what he does, even though his bedside manner sucks.
Anyway, I sleep with the lights on now. I pray every night, and ask God to send a band of angels to stand around my bed and to send the Archangel Michael to slay the demons if they do come. It's working. I haven't had a nightmare or anything since. I'd say it was a case of faith in God over faith in science.
I see him again on the 6th. I don't think I'll be bringing up the topic again, unless of course something happens between now and then. But, I don't think it will. I just got a couple of new books of daily and nightly devotions to read before I say my prayers. I constantly keep Jesus on my mind and in my heart. My faith is increasing all the time. Is it unshakable? Of course not. I expect things to come up to try and break me. But, I am a much stronger person than I was last year. Now that school has started again, I'm much too busy to fret over little things.
I submitted my first assignment today in one of my 2 classes. It's not due until midnight tomorrow but I wanted to get it done and out of the way. Besides, I have 3 articles and journal entries to make for my other class due next Tuesday. Plus, it's time for football!!! I'll do Adoration on Friday nights, mass on Saturday nights, and watch football on Sunday afternoons. I'll be doing homework during the week. I'm still not working, since I don't think I am strong enough yet. I've what you might say is semi-stable for all of 2 weeks. All in all this wasn't a good summer for me.
I'm hoping now that I have concrete things to focus on, I won't go into a depression, but I have to watch my anxiety levels as well. Too much anxiety and I'll have a panic attack, which then paralyzes me for the whole day. They last at least 2 hours, and then it's another 3 hours before I can function normally. The anxiety also sets my blood sugar out of whack. It's been running kind of low lately, so I have to make sure I eat healthy meals throughout the day, whether I'm really hungry or not. But, I also can't go over my calorie intake allowance for the day, because I am trying to lose more weight. I'm trying to get to 175 lbs. I am currently at 233 lbs. The days are getting cooler so I can finally get outside and walk consistently. As long as I'm not experiencing some anxiety driven agoraphobia, that is. Anyway, I continue to pray for humility, patience and strength of faith. I lay all my anxieties and fears at the feet of the Lord. If it is a case of faith over science, I am to be on the side of faith.
Peace, Joy, Love - B
No comments:
Post a Comment