16 Days

In 16 days, I will be 51 years old.  I honestly don't know how I feel about it.  I guess in some ways I should be grateful, but in many ways I am not.  I look at other people and wonder how they got so lucky in life.  Why are they in love and I am not.  I am still single with no prospects in sight.  I have never been in a serious relationship.  I've never been told "I love you", except by family.  I have no children.  For goodness sake, I don't even have a pet anymore.
I am an old spinster living with my 76 year old mother and 74 year old aunt.  I don't have a job due to my bipolar illness, so I live on disability.  I am going to school part-time to get my BA, but I don't know what good it will do me.  It's just a personal goal anyway.
I guess I should be grateful for the things that God has blessed me with so far.  I have people that love me, I am back in school and I have a car now.  But somehow, I still feel an emptiness in my heart.  Part of me is still missing, and I cannot pinpoint what it is.  I just feel like there is a gaping hole in my soul that begs to be filled.
I had a pretty good week.  I made it to mass yesterday.  It was very inspiring.  It was all about storing up things in Heaven, instead of storing up things on earth.  Here I am today, whining for earthly things.  But, am I?  Love is not an earthly thing.  Is praying for financial help so I can take care of my family considered earthly?  I guess it is.  But, I only pray for it so I can make my family comfortable.  My father called me yesterday to ask me if I wanted his car.  I would just need to take over the payments.  I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that my father needs money.  He would never admit it to me, but that's what I feel in my heart is true.  As I now have a car, I don't need one.  I can't afford the payments anyway.
After I talked to him, I smoked a couple of cigarettes.  Then I wept.  I prayed the Rosary, and I wept.  I cried in frustration, fear and anger.  I begged God to help me.  I called on the intercession of the Blessed Mother and St. Gemma to petition God to hear my prayer.  I will continue to do so until I get an answer.  In the meantime, when I get my student loan money, I will send my father something.  It's the best I can do right now.
It is 16 days until my birthday.  I wonder what I will do?  Maybe I will take the family to the Cheesecake Factory and obliterate my diet that day.  I haven't had any of their vanilla bean cheesecake in 3 or 4 years.  Maybe I will take myself to the movies.  I don't know.  I'm not feeling very celebratory this year.  I guess I should just be thankful for not being in the hospital for the past 2 years.  I am not going back no matter what.  But a lot can happen in 16 days.