Yesterday was Mother's Day. For a gift, I got my mom flowers, and some salon hair care products. I did her hair for her. She looked so pretty, he long soft curls cascading to her shoulders. I forgot to take a picture. Her hair is black and silver. Not the yellowy, gray kind, but the shining white hair tha to have when I get older. It is down to her shoulders for she inherited her hair from my grandmother, who had Native American blood on her side.
I didn't go to church with her and my aunt. I guess in hindsight I should have gone on Sunday morning, but I went to mass on Saturday night as usual. We did go out to eat for a late brunch at a place called The Epicurean Restaurant. I had two huge pancakes, turkey sausage, two scrambled eggs, and grits. Needless to say I didn't have to eat for the rest of the day. Mom had a chicken Caesar salad, which she didn't finish because it was so big. But, I've noticed she hasn't been finishing a lot of her meals lately. I am keeping an eye on it.
My brother and sister both called her, and my sister even sent a gift. I don't know what it is, I haven't looked in the box yet. My brother didn't send anything. He calls pretty regularly though, and my mom is happy that he is doing well.
I was my normal melancholy self. Mother's Day is a hard day for me, because I have always wanted children, but since I never married I don't have any. Now, I am perfectly aware that you don't have to be married to have children. Back before I was a Christian, I even tried to get pregnant on purpose but to no avail. I even went the artificial insemination route, but my ovaries were underachievers. Plus, the hormones put me right on the edge. So, I gave up trying to go it alone. So I began to shop for a husband and father type of guy. No luck.
I always wanted at least four children. I wanted a house full of laughter and chaos. I even named my children; Ellora Dannin, Jared Edward, Darius James, Aurora Rose. I have names for more if I had more. Now that I am catholic, I think I would have had eight kids. Laurel Louise, Vivien Marie, Eleazar Thomas, and Sixtus Stephen; those are the other four. We also would have had a dog named Rufus and a cat named Chaka Khan. Also, we would have had various fish and maybe a bunny. I'm telling you my house would have been a zoo! Kids all over the place, animals all around, plus the smell of fresh baked cookies and fresh flowers from my garden. You must understand, when I have these thoughts, I am usually manic, so I can do it all. Of course, I would have a housekeeper! I am not stupid. I don't know who my husband is, but he is wise, kind, funny, loves his children and me, coaches the soccer team and is very active at church.
But all this dreaming makes me sad now. Even if I did get married, there are no babies, unless God chooses to bless me in my old age as he did St. Elizabeth. I suppose we could adopt and/or foster but I don't think anyone would give me a child with my medical history. I'm just getting on my feet again financially. It's nice to think about every once in a while though.
I think I would have been a great mom. All my kids would gather around and I would read them my favorite books, I'd take piano lessons. There'd be fresh baked goods ever week, and I would have a Costco or Sam's Club membership to buy in bulk. We would live in a great big old house with a big yard and a garden. The kids would always be outside, no cellphones or Facebook for them. I want my kids to get dirty. They would be kind and courteous and know their manners.
Of course I know I would be exhausted all the time, but there would be moments of exhilarating joy too. I wish, I wish, I wish......
Don't get me wrong, I'm a great aunt. But I have always wanted to be, and always will want to be a MOTHER.
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