Dear God

Dear God,

It's me, again.  Something is wrong with me.  I feel forlorn. I don't know what to do.  I talked to my dad yesterday and that normally makes me happy.  This time it didn't.  I'm thinking of going to visit him before classes start again.  Maybe I would feel something then.  I don't feel anxious, I don't feel sad really.  I am just here, breathing in and out. I know I should thank you with every breath I take, but I don't.  My first thought when I wake up is not "Thank You, Jesus!!"  It's more like " NOOO, it can't be morning already!"

If I didn't have to pee right away, I probably wouldn't get up until noon.  I do look forward to our bible time together.  I enjoy reading your Word.  It nourishes me. But after that the day is kind of boring. I have no local friends here.  I have my Facebook friends and a few phone numbers, but I never call.  My niece and nephew only seem to call when they need something.  Other than that I don't hear from them.  My sister never calls me.  Neither does my brother.  He calls my mom.  I guess that's good.  I guess I could write a couple of letters tomorrow.  I have to type them since my handwriting is so bad.

Sometimes, I really wish I had a job, so at least I could have some work friends.  Really, God, I think it's just me.  I have become so wrapped up in avoiding pain that I have blocked out love too.  I prayed to you about it, on several occasions.  I cried on your shoulder, but I didn't hear what you said to do. 

You did not create man to be alone.  If it weren't for mom and Aunt Berta, I would be alone.  Then what?  I would probably become one of those people who talks to themselves.  I used to talk to myself.  That was when I was actually pretending to be someone else.  Imagining the conversations I would have with my husband or lover at the time.  I've had so many lovers in my imagined life.  None of them were perfect.  They all possessed a fatal flaw.  

I wonder why even in my dreams I am unhappy.  Seems rather pointless to dream, if the dream ends so badly doesn't it? I guess you know the answer to that riddle.  When I finally let Christ into my heart, the dreams ended better.  I wish there was some way to hug Jesus.  I guess I could hug myself, but that doesn't bring much relief.  I've tried it.

I need a massage. A nice long deep tissue massage to get out all of the toxins in my body.  Followed by a big bottle of ice cold water and a hot shower.  That would really feel good.  Maybe I'll get one with my next check.  That and find a chiropractor.  I need to find a dentist too.  I can finally afford dental insurance.  It's been 4 years since my last cleaning.  Guess, I better start flossing better.  I also bought some life insurance.  Now, in case or when I die, I don't have to worry about my bills or anything.  I made my sister my beneficiary.  Yeah, the one who doesn't call.  She works 2 jobs, so I guess I can't blame her.  She's busy during the week and on weekends.  

I've decided to leave my body to scientific research, so after the funeral mass, it's off I go.  I'd like to have my brain studied, as well as my liver and kidneys to see what if any the affects of the drugs have had on these organs.  The is a medical school not far from here.  I'll inquire about a donor package tomorrow.  

God, I pray to you all the time, and I know you hear me.  So, please just listen for one minute.  I do not want to outlive my parents.  I couldn't take losing either one especially my mom.  I adore my father and even though he is 80, let him live to 100, so I can go first.  I'm sure something will happen to me anyway.  I live on coffee and cigarettes.  I'm too fat and have diabetes type 2.  I'll probably have a stroke or heart attack.  I'll try to lose weight and get some exercise if you'll help me. Maybe it's not too late.  I don't know. 

Anyway, if you could make tomorrow a good day for me I would appreciate it.  I love You.  In Jesus's Holy Name I pray, Amen.  Good Night God, please watch over me as I sleep.  Thank You.

Peace Love Joy

Bev