I am fat. There I said it. I used to use words like overweight, heavy or chubby. But, I must simply state the real truth, I am a fat girl. I am not plus sized, or curvy. My curves faded away a long time ago. I have large breasts, that's true, but there is no perkiness left in them. They droop downwards, nipples facing the floor. I have no butt to speak of, I never did. My butt is flat. My belly is very large, with an apron that hangs low.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and discovered of the 65 lbs. I lost last year, I have put 50 lbs. back on. Lucky for me, I didn't get rid of all my fat clothes. I am wearing them again.
It's my own fault. Years of unhealthy food habits, no exercise and love of sweets has put me where I am. I eat very well during the day. I stay within the calories on my diet plan, but after 8 PM, I run into trouble. If I am feeling lonely, which is often, bored or unloved, I turn to food. It started when I was little. I was a skinny little kid. But then, I got molested, bullied and had no one to talk to. Nothing cures the blues like 4 slices of cinnamon toast and chocolate milk. There were also cookies, ice cream, pies and cakes. No one checked my eating. As for my fat, when I was younger I was told I would grow out of it. Then puberty hit.
I was 10 years old when I got my period. It was gross, embarrassing and painful. The sugar cravings were well established by then, so I would just eat until the pain went away. By the time I was twelve years old, I weighed 140 lbs.
All of my friends were still flat-chested and skinny. I had big boobs, a round belly and had to carry a purse. I hated myself. The self hatred never really left. Just this week, I was telling myself how ugly I was and that no one would ever want a short fat girl like me. But then I look around me and see some very big, unattractive women with a man. I usually end up thinking that it simply must be me. I mean if that fat girl has a boyfriend, why can't I?
Then I feel guilty for feeling that way, and think even more that it must just be me. I have a pretty face, and nice hair. It's just from the neck down that I hate. They say you can't love someone else until you love yourself. Well, I guess I won't because I don't.
I know that inside of me there is a pretty, desirable, 150 lbs. me clamoring to get out. She just can't find her way out from all the blubber.
So, I started a fitness program. I signed up on the the Supertracker on the USDA website. It tracks my caloric intake, daily food recommendations, and activity. Like I said I do well until bedtime. Then it's like I turn into a garbage disposal. I must have had 10 cookies last night, along with a piece of fried chicken.
Trying to balance all of this with my blood sugar isn't easy. Some mornings I don't do a reading because I know it will be high because of what I ate the night before. I am not doing a good job of taking care of my diabetes.
I hate exercise, but I know I have to do it, if I am going to reach my goal weight of 175lbs. So, I got up early and went for a walk. I walked for 45 minutes and hated every minute of it. I have a bad right leg from a car accident in 2012, so I can't really walk that fast, but I have to push my self to get my heart rate up. I also have to quit smoking. I need help with that. I thought I could do without cigarettes, and smoked my last one last night. But I caved later this morning and went and bought another pack. No wonder I got winded. I wish I was like my cousins, all of them are at a good weight. But, I can't wish myself thin, I have to work at it. I'm going to; I want to see my father this Christmas, and would love to see him as a size 14, with lots of luck and hard work maybe even a 12.
I need a car so I can go to Planet Fitness. I need a personal workout plan. I kind of know what to do, I just don't want to. I need a motivator. Maybe I'll pull out that little black dress I bought, that is way too small. It came from China, and a 2x in China is NOT the same as a 2x in the US.
I guess I must enlist the aid of God the Father Almighty. I think prayer is all that's going to help me.
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