I wrote several days ago about becoming smoke free. So far it hasn't happened. I went a whole day without cigarettes, only to find myself at the store buying a pack. It will be my last pack I tell myself. But then I run out of them, and it's back to the store. I have prayed about it. I have tried to talk myself out of it, but it's no use. I have to have them with my coffee. A day without coffee is just not going to happen. I like smoking. I like holding the cigarette in my hand. I like inhaling and feeling the sting burn my tongue.
I am both physically and psychologically addicted. I am also addicted to caffeine. I love my coffee with cream and sweetener. I use artificial sweetener because of the diabetes. For that reason alone, I know I shouldn't smoke. I'll probably end up with heart disease or having a heart attack or stroke. What's my problem? Why do I do this disgusting thing to myself?
Frankly, smoking calms down my anxiety. I would do anything to avoid an anxiety attack. When I have one, I feel like I'm dying. I have tried meditation, but I can't get my brain to stop whirling long enough to feel the effects. That's one of the reasons I can't work right now. I have the attention span of about an hour and a half. That's why it's taking me so long to read a book.
I'm reading The Lord of the Rings; The Two Towers. Ordinarily, I could polish that book off in 2 days. It's been 2 weeks. I want to read it now, but I am not in the right mood. I thought I was in the mood to exercise, but I could only do that for 10 minutes. I got bored. Right now, I would like some cheesecake, but can't for 2 reasons. We don't have any, and I am on a low calorie diet.
Great. I just got yelled at by my mom for ordering things from Publisher's Clearing house. She yelled at me like I was 12. It's my money, I spend it however I please. I don't ask her for money for anything. I pay my bills on time. WTF??I guess I will spend the rest of the day in my room with the door closed, because now I am ashamed and depressed. Seems like no matter what I do there's no pleasing someone. I'm always on somebodys nerves. Just had to get some more coffee and a cigarette to get over that humiliation. Why didn't I say anything? What difference would it make. I'm just a child in everyone's eyes. NO ONE in my family treats me like an adult. I'll always be poor pitiful Bev, who must be looked after. OK, fine! When I win my millions, don't look at me for help. That's a lie. The first thing I'll do if I win millions is share it with my family. I guess I am a child. A stupid little kid having a tantrum. I'll open the packages some other time. I mostly order gifts for other people anyway. I guess I'm addicted to online shopping too.
I really hate shopping in stores. Plus, when it's online it's nearly always available. I ordered a Christmas ornament kit, and some books too. It's not always stupid stuff. I don't hear any complaints when I hand it out. I am a giver. I love to give things to people. I like to see the looks on their faces when the open the box or hear reactions over the phone when they open the box. OK, I guess I'll cut back on my shopping for now.
I miss my sister. When she is around, I always feel good, She is a good talker and listener. She was here for my 50th birthday last year. It was great. She's an extrovert. Not like me at all, I kinda like to observe, she goes out and does. I have an overwhelming feeling to see my dad, He doesn't judge me or criticize me. I love being with him. Maybe I should go see him. Or is that just an escapism reaction to my mother's harsh words. Father's Day is next month. My summer classes are online so I could do the assignments up there. It wouldn't be a big deal.
I feel so stupid right now. Guilt and shame have crept into my brain and I have a knot in my stomach. I want to take my pills and go to bed. I love bedtime. Maybe I should pray the Rosary. Maybe that will help me feel better. Oh the glories of being bipolar!!! Every minute a different mood. Why do a few words cut me to the quick? Why do I let them? I wish I could talk to Mary. Mary is my therapist. She would put me to rights. I think I'll go to bed at 5 PM, it's only 3:25PM now. The blog has me on pacific time. I don't know how to change it.
I wrote a letter to my Uncle Steve this week. He lives in Texas. It wasn't much, just a check in since he doesn't call much. Nobody calls anymore unless we are planning something or someone is sick. OK, this is getting ridiculous. I am about to start crying. I think I'll end now, and read for a while. Maybe Gandalf can take me away from myself for a while. I don't think I'll be able to sleep now anyway. Too much coffee and cigarettes.
Peace, Love, Joy - Bev
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