I got my hair cut off on Thursday. I was not taking care of the hair I had and needed a change. I saw a picture of this hair cut on Facebook and thought it was cute, so I thought "why not?"
I really like it. It means no more processed hair, no more flat iron, no more anything! I just wet it in the shower, apply conditioner and gel and go. Saves a lot of time and money. Of course, I have nothing to do with all this extra time, but for now I don't dread taking a shower. Last month was hard. I have fallen into a depressive episode and I went days without bathing or combing my hair.
Most of my friends on Facebook seem to like it, and my mom and aunt like it. My father just laughed and asked me why I did it. He likes his women with hair. Anyway, my hair grows about an inch a month, so if I want to I can grow it out again. Besides, it's just hair.
Of course, now this makes me even less attractive to the average man. Most men like at least shoulder length hair, especially black men. Why do you think black women spend so much time and money getting hair weaves? Because they like it? NO!!! Hair weaves are around $300 to start and they are painful. I had one once. I just ended up putting it in a ponytail anyway. I also, did not attract any members of the opposite sex with a hair weave. Short or long, I guess I am unattractive. For the moment, I don't care about men. Although I do still like the man I see in church. I don't dare approach him now that I have very short hair. My hair has always been one of my best features.
So why did I cut it off? It was an act of defiance I guess. It was kind of the way I want to look. I've been thinking of going natural anyway, and I would have had to cut it off to do that. I may grow it out, only if I can get the curls I want. I want soft shiny hair, but lately it's been looking really dry. I also cut it off, because part of me just doesn't care anymore. Most of the time, I wore a bandana around it. Flat ironing just burned it and my fingers. I think I am just going to focus on my diet and getting healthier. This hair cut looks great on thin people. I want to be the geeky girl with the leggings and the oversized sweatshirt.
My diet by the way is not going well. I didn't weigh myself this week, because I knew I blew, plus I got no exercise. So, I am still living on coffee and cigarettes. I'm only supposed to eat 1060 calories a day to reach my goal weight. But, that makes it difficult to eat the recommended daily nutritional values. Plus, having diabetes, I have to keep my blood sugar levels from dropping to low. It can cause dizziness, shaking, sweating and heart palpitations, which for me turns into an anxiety attack.
I had a panic attack on Friday. I was sitting here minding my own business when suddenly the floor fell out from under me. I couldn't breath, I couldn't focus, my heart started beating wildly, I started shaking and sweating and got disoriented. I was alone when it happened and my therapist was out of town. My mom and aunt weren't home and didn't pick up when I tried to phone. I thought maybe it was my blood sugar so I had a piece of candy. That didn't work. When they got home 25 minutes later, I was crying hysterically. It took 10 minutes for then to talk me down. Then BAM!!!! Just like that it was over. My mom made me half a turkey sandwich just to be on the safe side. It took me 3 hours to fully recover.
I need to get a friend or someone to call if that happens again. That was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I've had them before, but not like that. I think it was triggered by the fact that I dropped my summer psychology class and was feeling pretty bad about myself. I dropped it because I still can't read and comprehend anything without tremendous difficulty, and my attention span last for about an hour before I need a 20 minute break. Writing this entry has been the longest task I've done in 2 weeks, and don't think I'm not taking a break afterward. It took me a week to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy on DVD. I bought the Game of Thrones book series but haven't even touched them yet, except to take them out of the box. I can't watch a half hour TV show without getting up let alone a movie. I tried watching the French Open Men's tennis championship game today, but the hitting of the ball back and forth was giving me the heebie jeebies.
This new medication the doctor has me on doesn't feel like it's doing anything. I'll give it one more week. He said it would take 6 to 8 weeks to show effects, but I don't know if I can wait that long. I see Mary this week, we'll probably talk about my coping skills or lack thereof. Right now I am hating my brain. It's all out of whack and there is nothing I can do about it. I may have to try ECT again if this keeps up. I wonder if any of the hospitals around here have TMS? That would be better than having to be sedated for ECT. Same effect, different approach. I'll have to ask about it. Medicare should cover it the same as the shock treatments. Well, it's medication time. I have them all lined up and take them 2 by 2. I think I have 7 or 8 medicines I take at night. It's a wonder I can keep them all straight. No more tying up my hair at night. Yea!!!
Peace, Joy, Love - B
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