Lost Girl

Sorry, if I've been away for a while.  My mind drifted off and I had to go find it.  Truth is, I've been in a depressed state for a while and I haven't been in the mood to write,  In fact, I haven't been in the mood to do anything.
I stay in my room all day with the blinds closed, trying to shut out the world.  I make trips to see my doctor, therapist and go to Walmart to pick up my medication.  Usually, if I'm not in my room, I'm on the porch smoking.  I'm still smoking and drinking coffee.  It's become a highlight of my day.
I do go to mass though.  Every Saturday night.  Church is the only place where I feel complete.  Otherwise, I feel like I'm made of paper.  I just kind of drift around.  I did try to go out and be social this week, the result was an anxiety attack.  I just don't feel in control of my emotions anymore.  It's ruining my life.  It's too hot to go out walking, even in the morning.  I know that I should get some exercise to release some endorphins, but I just don't care anymore.
Needless to say, my diet is an epic fail.  I'm eating healthier, but I've only lost 2 pounds.  Again, lack of exercise.  I am really disappointed in myself, so the negative talk is really messing with my head.
I feel pretty good some days, but it doesn't last.  I'm going to drop my summer course, so I can get ready for fall semester.  I'll use the refund to go see my dad.  I need him, he's not a complicated man. Plus, I get to see his dog, Falcor.  It would be good to get away for a few weeks.
Well, I guess that's all.  I hope I get to sleep tonight.
Peace Joy Love
Bev