Shiny Happy People

Sometimes, well, a lot of times I look at people, and I wonder what their lives are like.  I see them with their happy faces, watch them with animated conversations, or just walking along.  I wonder where their going, where they've been, what their thinking about.  I don't judge them, but I often wonder what's beneath the surface.

Are they as unhappy as I am?  Is there pain and longing in their lives too?  I'm certain that the answers to these questions is yes, but what makes them go on with their lives?  What's the secret?  I read the posts of my Facebook friends, and I get so jealous.  Why does she have a love and I don't?  What gives that person a right to be so happy and have children and pets and a good job, when I know some of the darkest deeds they have committed?  When is it going to be my turn to find such fulfillment?

Am I undeserving of love?  Am I so undesirable, that no one can look at me?  Am I invisible?  I like to think that I am a good person.  Yet, day after day, I end up alone in my room pondering the mistakes that I've made, and listening to the voices in my head.  I have told myself that these voices are liars.  I know that I am not an ugly, stupid person with nothing to give.  I can feel my heart overflowing with the emotions that rage inside me.  I would be a wonderful wife, friend and lover.  I have something to give.  

But, what if I am just fooling myself and the voices are true.  Will I die alone?  Am I destined to be untouched by the warmth of a hand in mind or kissed with tenderness?  I honestly don't know.  I have tried to be friendly and courteous to people I meet.  I have shared smiles and flirted when I see an attractive man.  I have made casual conversation to other people in hopes of making a friendship connection.  But, nothing has come of it.

Sometimes, I think to myself, I will just go to a bar and pick up some stranger like a whore.  But, that's not what I want.  Besides, I am limited on what I can drink, and I don't really like bars.  Maybe I will go to a sports bar for the Superbowl.  I like football a lot, even though there are somethings I don't understand.  I could meet some people that way.  I could try one of those meet up sites where you find a group of people who share common interests.  

Sometimes, I think about going back to partial hospitalization just so I could have some people to talk to.  Yes, that's how lonely I am.  I have been spending a lot of my days living in my fantasy world.  It passes the time.  In my daydreams, I am beautiful, I am brilliant and I have a husband and six children.  My first pregnancy was quadruplets, twin girls and twin boys.  My second pregnancy resulted in twins also, a girl and a boy.  My husband and I want a very large family, so we are going to get pregnant again.  My name is Primrose, and my husband is Henry.  

Henry is tall, gentle, kind, athletic, funny, smart and loyal.  He thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world.  We have fabulous sex.  It is tender, passionate and spontaneous.  We often get lost in each others eyes, tuning out the whole world.  Most people comment that they have never seen two people so in love.  Our children are very gifted and polite.  Victoria loves music. Lorelai loves to dance.  Jared likes to build things, and Darius just wants to fly.  The two youngest, Skylark and Sebastian love to paint and read.

Henry is a world renowned cardiothoracic surgeon, and Primrose is an astrophysicist.  She has been nominated for a Nobel Prize, and has worked with Stephen Hawking.  While they are very busy people, both enjoy spending as much time with the family as possible.  The do have two nannies and a housekeeper, and live in a 12 bedroom estate in the country.  There is a lake, a fountain and a glorious garden.  There is also a stable and barnyard.  They have 2 dogs, 2 cats and a bird.  

Sounds perfect doesn't it?  Well, it is.  That's why I spend so much time there.  I'd rather be there than here.  My world is cold, lonely and dark.  There, everyone is shiny and happy.  Sure, Primrose and Henry have disagreements, and the children misbehave, but it always works out in the end.  Not like real life where things can fall apart around you and your left standing by yourself feeling like a complete fool.

I've never told anyone about my fantasy life before.  I don't know why I am telling you now, except for the fact that I so want it to be true.  Is it the Cinderella complex?  I don't think so.  My other world is not magical, it's just happier and full of the things that I desire .   They say is you believe in a thing you can achieve it.  Well, I believe in love.  How long do I have to wait to achieve it?  Oh well, I guess I'll step into the real world for a moment.  I have to pee.  After that, a little time on the porch with Henry and the children as I have my cigarette.  I leave you all to lead your own lives, where ever they may be.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Depressive Episode #500

The past week has been a nightmare.  I am in a full blown depressive episode.  I sleep all the time, and when I am not sleeping, I am crying.  My mom says it's just post-holiday blues, but it's bigger than that.  I don't want to be here.  I wish I had never been born.

I am in physical pain as well as mental.  Every muscle in my body hurts.  My joints ache.  I wish I could just make the pain go away.  The only good thing is that I am not hallucinating.  I had to miss the first class of the new semester at school because I am basically non-functional.  I finally took a bath last night after 5 days of not bathing or brushing my teeth.  I have worn the same clothes for a week.  It just takes too much effort.

I am isolating like crazy.  I spend most of my time in my darkened room.  I have ventured out for meals and to talk and cry to my mom.  Other than that, I am alone.  I hate myself right now.  There is a group on Facebook for people with bipolar, so I've been posting there.  I have seen my therapist this week, and my doctor today.  There has been a medication change.  I go back to my therapist next week and my doctor in 2 weeks.  So much for being stable.

I saw my medical doctor this week also.  My diabetes is well managed, but I have an eye infection on top of everything else. So, I am on antibiotics until that clears up.  This downward spiral began at the end of November, and has just gotten worse.  There wasn't anything I could do about it because I was broke.  That's 3 months in a row I have mismanaged my money.  It's so stressing that it's making me sick.  I had a panic attack yesterday.  It took my mom a half hour to talk me down.  My aunt doesn't get it, so she's no comfort.

There are some days that I actually feel good.  But, they are few and far between.  I had wanted 2017 to start out on a really positive note, but that didn't happen.  Even when I visited my father, I was so depressed.  I isolated from him too.  I feel a lot of guilt about that.  All I did most of the time is sleep.

Once in a while, we went out to the store.  Mostly, we just stayed in because Michigan is so cold and windy, and we got snow.  The snow was nice.  

I applied for 2 part-time jobs online the other day.  I don't know why I did it, as I am in no way ready to work and go to school.  I have an assignment due tomorrow for my online class, but I don't have the book yet.  I had to order it.  I have no motivation to get it done anyway.  I really don't care at this point if I get a zero on it.  I'm too busy fighting for my life.

I haven't been to mass in 6 weeks.  I just feel like my spirit is dying.  I pray all the time, but I don't think God is listening to me right now.  I guess I am being punished.  I'll do my best to make it to Adoration tomorrow night, and mass this week.  I have to go to confession. I did commit a sin. I stole a bottle of laxatives from the store.  I wonder what my penance will be.  

I'm tired.  Just bone tired.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Suicide is not an option, but I think about it lately, which is never a good sign.  I'm not going to the hospital, that's all I know.  I've been here too many times to count, and have weathered the storms.  I guess I'll get through this one too. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Diamonds on the Ground

The ground is sparkling

The air is still, except for the occasional rustling of the wind

The musical glass chimes sing their song

A song of winter and ice

The streets are quiet, noises cancelled by a blanket of white

People are still snuggled deep under the covers

Not stirring from the warmth of their beds

Breathing the soft air of sleep

The birds will be out soon

pecking the ground for signs of seed

A lucky few will find nourishment at the hands of humans

Bird feeders full to the brim

With the sun, comes the drip of melting ice

Plop, plop, plop on the ground outside the window

Some people will rise with the sun

Coffee brewing as they clean off their cars

The world will awaken and trod on the virgin snow

Dirty slush where the white purity used to be

The diamonds on the ground will fade

Melting away and leaving damp earth behind.

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Smoke-filled Hazy Days and Charlie

Okay, the quitting smoking thing is hard.  I say that because I couldn't overcome my anxiety and went to buy a pack on my last day in Michigan.  My father, bless his heart, bought a whole carton for me.

I know  I could have said no thanks, but I couldn't. So, now I am just trying to limit myself to 6 cigarettes a day.  So far, I am not doing very well.  I feel a little bad about it, but at the same time I am relieved.  I will quit, I just don't know when.  I had announced my quit date as Jan. 3rd, but here it is the 5th and I am still puffing away.

Yesterday was a depressive day, so all I did was sleep and smoke.  Today, I feel much better, and am not so anxious.  I think, no I know I will be leaving the house this afternoon.  I have to get gas and go to Walmart to pick up some meds.  I may even actually comb my hair.  I know, big deal right?  Well considering I haven't washed my hair in 3 weeks it is a big deal.  Which reminds me, I need to call the salon for a cut.

I ran out of testing strips for my diabetes, so I haven't tested since yesterday morning. My sugar levels have been good, so I am not too concerned.  I need laxatives too.  I must confess, I am dependent on them.  I take 5 or 6 at night.  It does give me diarrhea the next morning, but it makes me feel so much lighter.  I hate feeling bloated.  I know I am probably doing damage to my colon, but I had a colonoscopy last January, and everything was normal.

I am going to try a chiropractor this month.  Hopefully, they have massage therapy too.  I could really use a deep tissue massage. I used to get them all the time, when I went to a chiropractor back in the '90s.  I would get a massage, drink a lot of water and take a hot shower.  I could feel all the toxins flushing out of my body.  My adjustments made me feel better too.  I carry all my tension in my shoulders and thoracic region of my back.  I think one good crack would do me quite well.

Oh well, that's all that's on my mind right now.  That and Keanu Reeves.  In my dreams, we meet on The View when I am a guest co-host because of my best selling book.  We really click, and he asks me to lunch.  Only problem is, I can't call him Keanu.  It makes me feel all starstruck, so I call him Charlie, since Charles is his middle name.  Anyway, he totally gets me.  He is gentle, kind, funny, doesn't freak out because of my bipolar, and really listens and talks to me.  Naturally, we fall in love and get married after a 2 year relationship.  We adopt 3 biracial siblings, have 2 dogs and a cat and live in Malibu and Michigan.  We are fixing up a Victorian townhouse in New York to be our main home.  The Malibu house was his, and the Michigan cottage was mine. Both of us are deliriously happy because we have been waiting so long to find someone special.  Stupid, isn't it?  But that's the dream that puts me to sleep at night.  It doesn't hurt anyone, so I'll just keep dreaming.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

New Year's Day 2017

Well, it is the first day of a new year. I give a warm welcome to 2017, and a kick in the ass to 2016.  Not that I regret 2016. It just didn't start very well (depression) or end very well (depression).  Today, however, I woke up in a great mood and a ball of energy in my belly. Ah, the joys of being bipolar.  I don't know how the rest of the day will go, but I am determined to make it a good one.

I will not rehash the bad times of 2016, but will instead focus on the good things. Number 1, I lost 55 pounds!! Number 2, out of 4 courses I took in college this year, I got 3 A's and a C+.  The C+  was a computer science course. I would have done better, but all the tests were timed, and I don't do well in those situations.  Number 3, I became a card carrying catholic.  My faith is a little shaky right now, but I am praying for strength and guidance.  Number 4, I am now working with a volunteer organization called Speak for Animals.  I've been working with them on some marketing stuff. So far, it's very exciting and interesting.

As for 2017, there are a couple of big things I want to happen. I want to get on a stable medication regime.  I was feeling really normal for a while, but  things have started to get unsteady again.  I can't concentrate like I want to, and all I really want to do is sleep most of the time. I have a new semester starting on the 9th, so I need to get it together. Next thing I'd like to do is get a job so I can move out on my own.  This would enable me to get a pet and live my life the way I want. Maybe, I will make a few good friends, and even meet Mr. Right.  Of course, I know the last 2 things aren't really anything I can do to facilitate them.  I just have to do the best I can.  I will continue to do the best I can in school, and not strive for perfection.  I am taking 2 courses again, Nonprofit Admin: Human Resource Management, and an online course; Introduction to Art.  I hope both courses are interesting and that I do well.

Anyway, that is all for now.  Aside from the usual resolutions to get healthier and quit smoking, I have nothing else to report. I am still smoking, but I only have one pack left,and I think that will be it.

I'll let you know how everything goes. I am going to try to post more regularly to help clear my head.  I think I'll go take a shower now and get all squeaky clean. Peace, Joy, Love - B

Holiday Blues

It's been a while since my last blog.  I've been feeling a little lost.  My classes are over and I did well.  I got an A in both classes. I'm in Michigan at my dad's house. I thought I would feel better once I got out of South Carolina for a while, but I don't.  I've been sleeping a lot and isolating myself in the guest room.  Even the dog has failed to pick up my spirits.

I wrote out a proposal for my mom and aunt to get a cat and left it for them to read while I'm gone.  I attached articles about the benefit of having a pet, especially for the mentally ill.  I hope it gets approved.  Anyway,  I guess you're wondering why I had to go to such lengths.  I really don't know.  All I know is that I need something to love. I need to give affection and love to another living thing.  I've already given in to having a dog.  But a cat doesn't need to be walked. Don't get me wrong, I know a cat is just as much responsibility as a dog. But, a cat can pretty much entertain himself.  

I am looking for an older cat, loving,affectionate, and likes to cuddle. Plus, I want it to sleep with me. She/he will have access to the main living area during the day, but the litter box, food and water would be in my room.  That way she won't have to wander around the apartment at night.

All in all, I'd have to say 2016 was a successful year.  I completed a year of school, lost 55 pounds, and joined the catholic church. There are somethings that didn't happen;  I didn't find any friends to hang out with, I didn't meet my special someone. I guess there is just something about me that sends out a desperation pheromone. I have my family, but it is not enough. I am lonely. I am hungry for companionship. I don't know what to do. I am looking forward to next year, maybe things will be different. Maybe, I will make friends, and go on a date. Maybe my classes will be exciting. I will continue my healthy eating plan, and lose another 35 pounds.  I wish I loved myself today. Right now, I am full of self doubt, and anxiety. Maybe I will feel better after lunch, anyway that's all for now. I wish I had something more exciting to talk about. Until then, Peace, Joy, Love - B

Overdrawn...again

I'm overdrawn at the bank again.  This is only the second time in 3 years, but still I was overdrawn $161.00.  That is a big chunk of money for a person on disability.  That could have paid off one of my medical bills. or I could have used that money to by my medication.  I was out of almost everything, so I paid $107 for my medications today.  My insulin alone cost $56.  

Can someone please explain to me why medication costs so much?!  It's not like the drugs I take are new or somehow magical.  The patents on them are long expired, and all my drugs are generic because that's how my insurance works.   

So, I did get my check today, and I paid my bills.  I couldn't make my usual payments, and have to make sure I have enough money to get by until next month.  I may need to put out a may-day call to my dad for $100 to get by until then.  I'm maxed out on my MasterCard and Visa, too.  I had a couple of manic days and did some online shopping.  I had a lot of fun, and got some really nice stuff at a good sale price.  I don't regret any of my purchases, presents are bought, and I am set for fall and winter.  I bought clothes that will take me season to season without a problem and can be considered classic pieces.

I guess I'm just making excuses, trying to justify my bad judgment in handling my money.  I really need to find a part-time job when I get back from Michigan.  I don't know what to do.  I should try to get a job with a nonprofit, as that is my education major.  It can only be part-time, because I am very uncertain about my mental stability as far as trying to balance everything.  

I guess I should run it by my therapist, see what she thinks.  I've only been on my new medication cocktail for a month now.  I don't want to do too much too soon.  I'll have to think on it some more.

We should be getting a cost of living increase in 2017 for disability payments.  But, I am getting a supplemental medical policy that will cost me $45 a month.  It will pay for the co-pays etc., that Medicare doesn't pay.  Hopefully, it will be worth the money. 

I went to the OB/GYN last Wednesday about my cramping.  I was convinced something was happening to me, like I had uterine cancer.  Fortunately, everything turned out normal.  I may be cramping due to low back problems.  I have been having some sciatic nerve pain, but I didn't know the pains were related.  I will wait until January to see an orthopaedic doctor.  I've had 2 back surgeries, so I know how it's going to go. First, physical therapy, if that doesn't work cortisone shots, then after all that I'm back in the operating room.  I hope that medicine has advanced enough since 2001, that all this can be done on an outpatient basis.

What I really need is to win the sweepstakes.  Just $10,000 would help me out beyond measure.  Of course, I want to win the multi-million dollar prize.  But, I am trying to remain slightly realistic.

Oh well, I'll count my pennies and say my prayers.  God is my provider, so He'll make sure I have everything I need.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Cigarettes

Okay, this time I mean it.  I am going smokeless.  I know I've said it before, and I've tried it before.  This time I have no choice.  It's quite simple, really.  I am flat broke.  I have no money until Wednesday.  That's when I get my disability check.  I'm already overdrawn at the bank.  I had to ask my mom for money today so I could get 2 of my medications.  I would be ashamed to ask her for cigarette money.
It's my own fault.  I went a little nuts this month with my spending.  I had a couple of manic days, and I like to shop online.  Everything was on sale, but still, I should have known better.  I have to be extra careful this month, because I even spent my savings.  I have nothing in reserve, and my credit cards are maxed out.  I feel so stupid.
I smoke Pall Mall menthol 100s at $4.31 a pack.  I smoke a pack a day, so that's around $25 a week. That means I could be saving $100 a month!!  I could use that money to buy something worth while, or put it in an emergency fund.  I am also trying to raise money for charity, so I think I should make the sacrifice.  Sure, I will be kind of crabby for a week or so, and my coffee won't taste as good.  But, I need to cut back on my caffeine as well.  Lately, I've been drinking 3 to 4 large cups a day.
My biggest problem is what to do when I'm bored.  I used to eat, now I smoke.  I'm down to 217 lbs, from a high in May of 265 lbs.  I still have a way to go to reach my goal weight of 175 lbs.  but I don't want to blow it.  I guess I'll have to break down and exercise.  I really hate exercise.  I like walking enough, but it's much better with someone else.  But, I don't have a dog or any friends still, so I guess I'll have to put on some tunes and hit the pavement.
I'm down to my last pack. There's about 16 cigarettes left.  Maybe I could ration them out.  Maybe I should try the patch again.  I'd try Chantix, but with my mental health I don't want to risk it.  I'm finally at a place where I feel so well.  I have been feeling great for the past 3 weeks.  At my last appointment, my psychiatrist made a medication change.  That, along with an attitude adjustment, has me feeling like a regular person.  I haven't had any panic attacks, or depression for a while.  It feels kind of weird but I like it.
My classes are going very well also.  I am sure I am getting an A in one class, and I have a strong B in the other as of midterms.  We just had a test last week, but it hasn't been graded yet, but I feel I did well.  I am not putting any pressure on myself to get straight As.  It would just be nice to do it.
I am also feeling pretty good, because I feel I have found my calling in the nonprofit world.  I started a petition on Change.org.  It's called "Make animal abuse a felony".  I am trying to get the legislature to make animal cruelty offenses a felony and punishable by serious jail time, instead of misdemeanor charges and fines.  I am also calling for a animal abuse registry, to keep offenders from ever having an animal in their care again.  So take a look on www.change.org and look for my petition to help end animal abuse.
My brother is coming down for Thanksgiving.  I'm very excited about it. I haven't seen him in 3 years.  We don't talk a lot as we have a complicated history.  But I love him very much and am really looking forward to spending some time with him.  Then, on December 13th, it's off to Michigan to see my dad!!!  I will be there for 3 weeks.  I am beyond excited.
Well, I guess that's all for now.  You'll have to excuse me, I'm not used to being happy.  So, I'm not sure what to write about half the time.  Most of my life has been turmoil, so these are new feelings for me.  I'll talk to you soon.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Busy Girl

Oh! Where to start since my last post?  Well, I guess first off, I am still cramping.  My pap smear came back normal.  But, I made an appointment with a gynecologist anyway.  Pap smears can only tell you about your cervix.  I think there is something going on with my ovaries or uterus.  My appointment is November 9th.  I'm a new patient, so I have to wait. 

I have seen my psychiatrist and therapist twice since I last posted.  My psychiatrist changed my meds and I am feeling better already.  I have been in a depression for quite a while, and just wasn't seeing any improvement.  I was falling behind in school, not bathing or eating as I should.  I lost 5 lbs.  Which is a good thing.  I now weigh 222.5 lbs.  I am still a long way off from my goal, but every little bit helps.  I hope to get down to 175 lbs. by next year.  I started my eating program in May of this year, so I have time.  I really need to go walking.  I stopped walking this summer because it was just too darn hot.  Now that the temperature has dropped, and the days are crisp, I have no excuse.

My therapist, Mary, is simply the best.  She is proud of the way I have been able to recognize and deal with my symptoms.  I have dealt with most of my issues through prayer.  I was ready my bible everyday, and doing daily devotions.  I say was, because I have slacked off as late.  I don't know what happened.  Well, yes I do. Everytime I get depressed, I turn my back to God.  You would think that I would run to Him at those times. But instead, the old tapes play in my head that no one loves me, not even God.  So, I shut everybody out.

My mom was very ill last week.  I had to rush her to the ER. She was dizzy, nauseated, weak, slurring her speech and had terrible pain in her feet and legs.  At first, I thought she might be having a heart attack or stroke.  They did a Cat Scan, MRI, took x-rays, blood work, urinalysis.  Everything came back normal.  They didn't have a clue what was happening with her.  Anyway, they put her on fluids and pain meds, and a couple of days in the hospital she was better. She went in on Monday night and was home Wednesday afternoon.  She is almost back on her feet.  She has to use a walker, because her back is hurting from the hospital bed.

My favorite uncle was in the hospital last week too.  He has 2 lesions on his brain, and was in excruciating pain.  They wanted to operate but he is on a blood thinner for a heart condition, so they couldn't operate.  He is at home now and resting comfortably.  Both my mom and my uncle have home health care coming in.  My mom needs physical therapy and a nurse.  She had one before she got sick.  It will probably start up again after I take her to the doctor on Wednesday.  Did I forget to mention that while all this was going on, my aunt was out of town?  She went to California for 2 weeks, so I am my mom's sole caregiver right now.  I don't mind.  I asked God to give me the privilege of caring for my parents because I see it as a sacred duty.  It is exhausting though.  I've never been so tired.  Fortunately, I have been able to handle everything.  My issues became non-existing when my mom got sick.  I was just so focused on her, I forgot about my fears and depression.  I think I grew up a little bit during this time.  I am more mature.  I had to call the family, and explain calmly and clearly what was going on with mom.  I am a little proud of myself, if I do say so.  I give all thanks, praise and glory to God for helping me pass this test.  I did not panic, I did not cry and I did not take to my bed.   Things needed to be done and I did them.

School is going well, I got my midterm grades and I have a solid B in my online class and an A in my on campus class.  We have a project instead of a final paper or test in my on campus class.  We are helping out a nonprofit organization get better developed.  I took on the challenge of coming up with marketing strategies.  So far, so good.  The executive director of the organization is very happy with my work so far.  I like the organization so much I became a monthly donor.  It's called Speak for Animals.  They provide low to no cost spay/neuters to low income and disabled people in impoverished neighborhoods.  I am so excited about this project, it was just the thing I needed to get my creative juices flowing. 

I've got all my Christmas shopping done already.  I am waiting for one more thing to come in the mail, and then I will have everything wrapped packed and ready to mail.  I am spending this Christmas with my dad again this year, and got him a big screen TV for his birthday which is December 21st.  I got him a couple of little things for Christmas as well.  I only want one thing for Christmas; some lace handkerchiefs. Just a little feminine thing to dab my eyes or blow my nose. I can't think of anything else I want.  I'm a simple girl with simple tastes.  I like seeing the look on everyone's faces as they open their gifts.  That's the best part of Christmas for me.  I like to give.  Sometimes, people think I give too much, but that is how I show my love.  I pay attention to people, and listen for clues for what they might like or want.

Well, I guess that catches you up for now.  I am so tired of this election nonsense I can't stand it anymore. I have a doctor appointment on election day, but I will exercise my right and vote.  Then maybe all the ads will stop and we can get on with life.  No matter who wins, he/she will have a nation to repair in attitude and policy. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to live in another country, but then I think I would have to remain a US citizen.  No matter what, this is still the best country in the world.  Besides, I wouldn't know where to go.  Take Care.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I should be doing my homework right now.  But, I am not.  I have 3 assignments due tomorrow night by midnight.  I printed them up, but they remain safely nestled in my class folder sitting on my bed.  Why am I not doing them?  Because, quite frankly, I do not care.  I have other things on my mind.
About 2 weeks ago, I started having menstrual cramps.  But, I have not bled.  This is unusual, because I have not had a period for 4 years.  I let it go a week, then I called the doctor.  I had my appointment this past Tuesday.  They examined me, did a full pelvic exam and pap smear.  She also screened my urine for a possible urinary tract infection.  She said she should hear something by today, Thursday.  But, so far nothing.
I had to take my mom to her this morning.  She is having more debilitating pain in her left knee.  While I was there, I asked about my lab work.  Nothing back yet, I was told.  So, I called at at 3:45pm, right before they close.  Nothing back yet, the nurse said again.  Okay, I am freaking out now.  My doctor is not in tomorrow, so that means I have to wait until Monday.
I don't know if they know this, but you don't tell a person with an anxiety disorder to wait.  It is truly killing me.  The worst possible diagnosis has engraved in my brain.  Something bad came back with my pap smear.  I have cervical cancer.  I just know there is something wrong with me.  Otherwise, the tests would have come back already.
I am so wrapped up in this, I cannot concentrate on anything else.  Of course, I am worrying over nothing, right?  The lab is just slow.  They are backed up.  I am trying to convince myself that is the case.  But, in my heart, I know it's not true.  I just need it confirmed. What will I do if I have cancer?
First, I have to figure out a way to tell my mom, as I did not tell her about the cramping.  It's still going on by the way.  I bought some specialized medical insurance several months ago.  It covers heart attack, stroke and cancer.  So, I think I am okay financially.  It's the chemotherapy that scares me.  I don't want to be sick.  I want to finish school, go to church, visit my father and a million other things.  I know that cancer treatment has advanced, but I've always heard the cure is worse than the disease.
This is all my fault for not taking good care of myself.  If only...
But, I can't turn back time.  I can't change anything I've done.  I can change the future.  So, I have been praying for healing of an unknown illness, and strength to go through whatever God has planned for me.  I know, you are probably saying, she is blowing this way out of proportion.  It's true, I have a tendency to do that.  But, I know my body, I know when something isn't right.  There is something going on within me.  Besides, I had originally thought ovarian cancer.  I was one of those women who put baby powder in her underwear everyday.  Plus, both are rather difficult to diagnose.  So, how can I be sure?
So, I wait and worry, worry and wait.  I have a feeling I won't get my homework done this weekend.  I'll do it for tomorrow night, but it won't be my best effort.  How could it?  I don't really care.
I'll keep you posted on how everything goes.  In the meantime, you'll probably see a couple of more posts from me.  All I'll be doing is waiting and wondering and thinking too much.  Please pray for me.
Peace, Joy, Love
Bev

The Letter Never Sent

Dear Family and Friends,

If you are reading this, I am dead.  I have taken my own life by overdose.  I know you are shocked, dazed and confused.  I know you have questions.  But, let me assure you of one thing, this is NOT your fault.  It's no one's fault, except mine.  This has nothing to do with what anyone did or said.  Nor is it the fault of what you didn't do or say.  This was my choice.
The truth is, I simply couldn't handle it anymore.  Mental illness is not like they portray in the movies or on TV.  I did not make cute or funny remarks.  I did not fall in love with someone who broke my heart.  I was not the wacky neighbor next door.  No, I was very broken and living in a state of perpetual agony.  Death comes as a sweet release from all the pain.
I wish I could explain it better.  But, I lived my life in a constant panic.  What was I afraid of?  I was afraid of everything and nothing.  There were days where I could conquer the world.  There were days, too many, where the very sight of the sun filled me with dread.  I could not breathe, I could not see, and I could not hear all of the things that the wondrous works of God had set before me.
I know I have sinned by doing this, for I broke a commandment.  But it wasn't the first time.  The first time was when I allowed myself to believe the words of the enemy, and turned my back on God.  There are 3 other occasions when I attempted suicide, but God, in His wisdom, saved me from myself.  He told me that He loved me and had great blessings in store for me.  I believed Him.
But this time, the world got too big, and I could not hear Him with all the voices in my head.  They drowned out the Word of the Lord.  I could not find Him, and I was so tired of looking.  I cried out to Him, but I guess He did not hear me.  If He did, I was not there.  I was lost at sea, swept up in a hurricane and tossed about like sticks.  The waves were so high.  Believe me when I tell you I tried to hold on to something, anything.  But, finally it was just too much and I let the riptide pull me under.
What do I expect you to do now?  Nothing.  Just go on and live your lives as people do.  If you want to, light a candle and pray for my soul so I do not spend eternity in Purgatory.  I'm sorry if I've left a hole in your lives, but it cannot compare to the gaping cavern that was in mine.
I loved with my whole heart.  I felt too much.  I gave too much.  As a result, I hurt too much.  You cannot imagine greeting each day with fear.  Not knowing if you will be able to get out of bed.  Sometimes, it took me hours just to convince myself to shower.  I literally sat there talking to myself, trying to decide if standing under some cleansing water would be in my best interest.  Most of the time, I decided it wasn't and went back to bed.  The only really safe place in the world for me, besides my mother's arms, was my bed.  I snuggled under my covers to read and to dream.  There were no questions, no pitiful looks, no uh-oh there she goes again phrases.  No one told me to snap out of it, or get it together and no mirrors.
Believe me, if you thought I looked bad sometimes, you cannot imagine how I felt about myself.  I loathed myself.  To me, there was no one uglier, disfigured or more horrible to look at than me.  Sure, I could look normal, but on the inside there was a grotesque figure of a woman that deserved to be killed.
I ask that someone look after my mom.  She has been through too much with me.  She won't understand that this was necessary.  I was such a heavy burden.  She will miss me the most I think.  As for the rest of you, I ask you to keep your pity.  There was nothing you could have done.  I had once pulled suicide off the table.  But, this time it was the only option.  My heart was in so many pieces trampled on the ground, that no one could have put them back together.  So, with that, I say that I am sorry.  I'm sorry I left my family behind to deal with my mess.  I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way.  Maybe, I just wasn't supposed to be here in the first place.  Please do not be angry with me.
Just be happy for me.  The nightmare is finally over.  The demons said "come" and I went.  I couldn't fight anymore.  I've been fighting all my life.  It was time.  The deed is done.  Peace be with you all.  I loved you all more than you know.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Ramblings of a Crazy Girl

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.  Do I tell him how I really feel? I suppose I should, but I don't want to go to the hospital.  You see, for the past 2 days I have been contemplating suicide.  I have been writing letters in my head and figuring out the best way to do it.  That, my friends, is a one way ticket to at least a 7 day stay in the local psychiatric facility.
I am all despair.  I have homework to do and can't seem to get my thoughts together.  I am having problems concentrating again.  I have an assignment due tomorrow night, but don't think I will make it to class.  The world has become a scary place.  Birds singing sounds like fingernails scraping a blackboard.  The TV gets on my nerves as well.  I can barely read in my bible, the concepts too hard to comprehend, even though I have a study bible.
I bought some string lights from Target, so I don't have to sleep with the lamp on all night.  It gives the right balance of darkness and light to my room. so I can sleep well.  I still wake up tired though, the dread of a day's activity falling over me like a cloak.
I can't talk to anyone without crying.  So, tomorrow's doctor visit should be fun.  The only thing keeping me going is my anticipated trip to my father in December.  I really need him now, but that is not possible unless I drop out of the semester. which I can't do.
There is a virus of fear eating me on the inside, and I don't know what to do.  So, I stay in my room, only coming out to go to the bathroom, eat and smoke.  I can go out onto the porch.  It is screened in, so it is still within my living space.  If I go outside the apartment, I feel eyes on me.
I wish I could laugh again.  I haven't laughed in a long time.  I feel like I am disappearing.  All that is left is a sack of depression.  I pray all the time.  I wonder if God ever gets tired of hearing from me.  I told him my name and address last night, just in case he forgot me.  Yesterday being a big day and all.  Mother Theresa became a saint, so maybe heaven has been busy getting ready.
I have to go now.  I need to go to the bathroom.  I didn't want to say anything important, sorry if I bothered you.  I know you have more important things to do than than read the rambling thoughts of some crazy girl.  Thanks for your time.  Peace, Joy, Love - B